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Dakota May 2021
I wonder if you feel the way I do after our conversations.
I wonder if you feel like your chest was torn open and your heart was stolen.
I wonder if you feel the same collapse of your chest into that void.
I wonder if you feel as heartbroken and exposed as I do.
I wonder If you also feel like you poured out all your heart and love, just to have it stomped on and be told you're wrong.
I wonder if your love feels the same as mine.
I wonder if you still love me the way you did before, or if you keep me around to take care of you.
I wonder if you're trying to push me away.
Dakota May 2021
I think my sense of self is changing.
Becoming less dependent,
More supportive.
But in that I've lost part of myself.
My old ways battle my new.
Struggling to adjust and adapt.
I've been through worse.
I know I'll make it out alive,
but which "me" will make it?

The kind caring one?
He used to be so prominent.
Now, I feel him slipping away.

The *******, emotionless one?
He used to only come around sometimes.
Now, he sticks around.
The farthest he drifts is the corners of my mind.

The anger fuelled, revenge seeking one?
He never truly fades.
He waits just around the corner,
Ready to spring into action.

Or will it be the sorrowful, lost, lonely one?
He sits, muttering quietly.
Always in the shadows, not wanting to be seen.
He pushes everyone away and blames them when they leave.

I try to hold on to the kind me.
He really is the best version of myself.
But the world spins around my like a tornado.
I lose my grip.

The angry one takes over.
It's difficult to take back any control,
Especially when you don't truly want to.
Hard not to let him take over.
To let me rest.
I'm so very tired of fighting him,
But who am I?
Dakota May 2021
I'm sorry I can be a **** boyfriend.
I'm sorry I sometimes give others more attention.
I'm sorry I make so many excuses.
I'm sorry that I say sorry so much
but don't change.
I'm sorry I don't try hard enough to make you happy.
I recognize these things
I don't do enough about them.
For that, my love, I am sorry.

I will change these things.
but I will.
I'm still learning how to love,
Or rather how to love in a healthy way.
I want to be better for you.
You deserve the best, my love.
Dakota May 2021
I'm 16 and doing well.
I've got my learners,
I've got friends who I can trust,
I'm trying to get a job.
I have the most amazing partners in the world!
I've got a family who loves and supports me!

So WHY do I feel like a failure!?
I've got all these things going for me but
STILL, feel like I'm going NOWHERE!

I don't Have a job,
I have No future plans,
and I'm SO **** afraid everyone leaving me.

My mom says "You've got time. Look at me, I'm still figuring it out"
My aunt and my teacher have both said "none of your marks really matter until grade 12"
My friends have said they won't leave me,

My dad wants me to get a job,
My other teachers think I should have my career figured out by now,
and I've been left by so many who have said the same.

None of them really think I'll get anywhere,
None of them think I'm putting in enough effort.
Nobody sees how hard I'm trying.

I'm 16 and scared as hell.
I wrote this a while ago. I'm doing much better now, but at the time, the contradictory expectations others had for me left me feeling lost and alone.
Dakota May 2021
Struggling to stay awake.
Understanding words is impossible.
They're all a blur as my eyes try to close.
Forcing myself up in my seat,
almost collapsing on my binder.
The low hum of sleep calls to me.
I slowly drift towards it.
pulled back by a loud
as the heavy door closes.
I wish only to rest my head,
but I am unable.
Exhausted, I struggle through the day.
tonight will be the night my eyes stay shut
and my mind quiets.
Dakota May 2021
I never realized it was possible to miss someone's eyes
Til' I noticed myself missing yours
I miss our gaze meeting
Holding each other for seconds that I wish could last forever

It was always fleeting moments
A glance as we caught each other staring
Debating a kiss with a good morning hug
A flash of pink that swept across our faces
Fingers entangled beneath the desks

None of this happened often
And when it did it wasn't for long
But I miss those moments
And I miss being close enough that those moments were possible
Dakota Feb 2019
I am trapped in a red hot box of anger
Trapped! Away from the calm cooling air
I am trapped in this place I am not myself
Trapped! It's getting harder to breathe
Trapped! If I don't get out I might explode
But it wouldn't matter no one would hear
I am trapped in my head
Trapped here

— The End —