In my darkest times I yearn to bleed,
It’s what I need for this hate to be freed,
One slow gentle cut just enough to shut -
Out the pressure inside from which I’m desperate to hide.
Just a trickle of blood that feels like a flood,
A tsunami of hymns bleeding my sins,
It’s a silent addiction,
A poetic affliction,
Just a nick here and there,
It’s not like anyone cares,
One slow gentle cut just enough to shut-
out the voices I hear that fill me with fear,
Just to feel the release of that beautiful peace,
Just the smallest of cuts,
Just to deal with this crux.
I’ve tried and I’ve prayed but these feelings won’t fade,
I’ve ran out of options all I’ve left is this blade,
Don’t judge me don’t sneer,
Unless you’ve been here your won’t know what it’s like,
It’s a hopeless fight,
One slow gentle cut just enough to free -
        all this hate inside that’s killing me.

If you ******* madness you’ll choke on my fears,
Acidic black is the hue of my tears,
My will is a parasite that burrows deep,
And if it finds your soul then It’s mine to keep.
Don’t play with me you insolent child,
My mood is neither gentle nor mild,
6-6-6 is the mark of my number,
Speak it thrice and I’ll awake from my slumber,
If you dare they’ll be no turning back,
All that you are will be riddled with black,
You’ll feed on animosity from within the air,
And live the atrocity I perpetuate there,
There is no hiding if you waken me,
There’s no where to run because no one will see,
I’ll hunt in your mind in your senses and dreams,
They’ll be no sign of me but for that of your screams,
Be warned here and now Child of the light,
Before you commit to an endless night,
Before you turn to the hordes of the mad,
Ask yourself,
Is life really that bad.

I watched an old man plant a tree,
Then describe how beautiful it would be,
Knowing he wouldn’t be alive to see,
And that resonated with me,
Because it was such a selfless act,
It really was as simple as that,
Nothing more than a matter of fact,
I wasn’t sure how to react,
The peace that he had found,
I found it stunningly profound,
He looked at me and frowned,
And said “It’s just a seed I’ve put to ground”
In that moment it was clear,
It put into context why we’re here,
His words were genuinely sincere,
So much so I leaked a tear,
But that simple act it taught me such,
That we use life like a crutch,
Like measured time we dare not touch
Of what remains we fear too much,
He wasn’t bothered by what’s to come
It would be like worrying about the sun,
Which will rise and set when the day is done,
Regardless of what we may become,
So from the old man I took this
Life is short and livings bliss,
Don’t worry about the things you’ll miss,
Or you lose the chance to enjoy all this,
What is true will come to pass,
So enjoy life to the last,
Because too soon becomes the past,
Our time on earth goes by so fast.

The fear of acceptance is my greatest denial,
It weighs down on me like an anchor of hesitance,
Yet my face is the epitome of self confidence,
I’m the one they think has no care’s,
It’s me that they say they wish they were more like,
But I wouldn’t wish these feelings on any of them,
I’m a hypocrite hidden in plain sight,
I affirm the strength that others should have,
And promote self belief,
I even champion confidence,
When all along my chants are my own solitary cries,
Screaming out in desperation to shun this weight I carry,
I replay every encounter in my head,
Analyse each conversation,
And obsess on every possible outcome,
But my camouflage of illusion means no one can tell.
I’m continuously assessing opinions,
I’m a student of expression,
Looking for the smallest signs,
Reading every response and extracting a multitude of meanings,
Trying to tell what everyone thinks of me,
I’ve worn this mask so long,
So long that even I no longer know what I look like,
Im scared to remove it,
I don’t think I can,
My mask has become part of me,
As I’ve become masked in my secret,
If only I could be on the inside,
That which you see on the outside,
Then I wouldn’t have to hide.
I want to be more confident,
Maybe not care so much what others think,
Is this today’s obsession,
Aren’t we all pretending about something,
At least trying to pretend,
Or is it that we’re just pretending to try .......?

Looking around our old apartment,
Is like visiting a place from my childhood,
Familiarity hanging on the remnants of a memory,
Your favourite seat by the window,
Where the sun would refract off the glass,
And kiss across your eyelids turning them gold and red,
Now it’s just a space,
Frustratingly vacant,
Everything here reminds me of you,
And it hurts,
A deep aching hollow pain,
It’s endless,
The memory’s taunt me,
I don’t want to be like this,
To wallow in self pity,
I don’t want your death to be all about me,
Because you made me so happy,
Now I feel like I’m betraying that,
Live life you used to tell me,
The tattoo on your shoulder -
“Love is living life to the full.”
Now your not here,
Your nowhere,
And I’d rather be no where with you,
Than anywhere without you.

I’m scared of the voice in the pulpit,
Not the frowns shining through the stained glass,
The gargoyles smirk at the secrets that lurk,
Of the brazen that preach through a mask,
I live in the care of this chapel,
This place that once I adored,
But I pay dearly when everyone’s gone,
I’m told it’s a penance I owe to the lord,
Safety calls out from the crypt,
The one place where I won’t be found,
Hidden here my sins can’t be stripped,
As long as I don’t make a sound,
I’ve surrendered myself to my fate,
To the fumbling sweaty ordained,
Because this is all that I have,
A sanctuary to which I am chained.

Maybe one day you’ll achieve everything,
But today be happy with something,
So many people have nothing,
And some have no one,
At least you have someone,
So whilst you focus on wanting everything,
That someone is waiting for something,
And maybe that something is everything in the someone who thinks they have nothing.