Tainted perspective
Mother led you astray
With her venomous games
You had no choice but to play.

I often wonder, how you are.

An unanswered phone call
No reply to text
Silence  hurts more
Than any verbal flex.

I often wonder, if you're ok.

She has what she wants
To manifest her prediction
Just so she can say
She was right.

I often wonder, who you are.

She has taken all my money
To try to break me
But, the love in my heart
Makes me the richest man alive.

I often wonder, if you're still my daughter.

I can only bide my time
In hope you will see through the lies
Which you had no choice but to believe
You'll understand why I had to leave.

I often wonder, if I'll see you again.

Breaking into bits and pieces
Parts and chunks
Flakes and mist
I am always missed

Every division
Requires description
But I am too far gone
To muster words you'll believe in

Auto pilot life
Wait until last minute
To act
To complete the puzzle

No intent
Didn't mean what I may have meant
Depending on your response
Smoke bomb! Disappear

There is only so much of me
To share
This angst so bitter and obelisk
Only time will shift

Bloodless stone
No moss every grows
As I can only stay still
When I'm gaming

I'm killing them all
With every day of absence
Which has altered to months
Which has evolved to years

The love, now coarse and abrasive
To touch, only to lose layers of skin
Which I have taken so long
To fit within

I'll apologise when I die
For becoming that guy in your life
Till I fade into flakes and mist
I am always missed.

Amongst walls
My pet hate
The screens glow warm
Up the ante.
Familiar nuance
Crippling addiction
Habitual ritual
Fool in tradies clothing.
Identity dying
Unique fades
As weekly expenditures
Folds into days.
Hide the losses
Ignore the demon
Just to feel
Its grasp over again.
Fleeting luck
Pick a corner
Where will it end?
Once every coin is spent.

I will not apologise
And this suicide
Will not pay penance
For my wrongdoings.
At my eulogy
Speak lowly of me
Tell them of the *******
I truly was.
Destroy all memory
So I can rest anonymous
The price paid
Outweighed the cost.

I miss them
That is all
I just want the opportunity
To be their father

She twists my words
Confuses my focus
Belittles my strength
And diffuses my light

She tells them things
That we have spoken of
Adult conversation
Fed to children

It is killing me.

This loneliness
Has teeth and wings and muscle
It compresses and crushes
Filters and flushes.

I hope time heals this
I assume it will
Just flatten the line with poisons divine
When they arrive, ensure you're alive.

You work at the mines mate?
You must be raking it in?!

"Awake at 5, sometimes before
Hivis and boots then out the door
No one to kiss goodbye
Just go.

Give a nod and half smile to nightshift
Sleep still in the eyes
Roll on in for prestart
A dingy container powered by a loud generator
Say g'day to the boys and the supervisor.

Get in trouble, for not being clean shaved
Apologies, forgot, all good, here's a razor
Dry shave, water lubricant
Try to complain but the money's too good.

8 more days, just push through the heat
Worn out boots and swollen feet
Paperwork galore, but wait, there's more
There's been an incident and my feet are sore.

The misso didn't text
The kids are a handful
She's 2 flights away so carry on
Just stay strong.

Head in the game, eyes on the job
We must prevent complacency
With reiterating the same thing
Over and over and over again.

We all dress the same
"King Gee" orange overalls
We all smell the same
Except for the supervisors.

Sulpher and acids and alarms and things
Risks and controls and signatures
Old mate forgot to sign on
He won't last, cos he forgot to sign on.

Eyes on task, line of fire, rah rah rah
Just get the job done
With an itchy face
And an idiot that won't shut up.

12hours of push
Crib breaks with strangers
The misso still hasn't touched base
Miss her touch and beautiful face.

Just realised, the shift is over
As the sun sets over the smelter
Pack up, *******, couple beers at the mess
Too tired to realise, she still hasn't text.

Boots and hivis left by the door
(**** my feet are sore)
Fast asleep before my head hits the bed
Awake at 5, do it again."

Yeah mate, it's not too bad...

I stand here before you all
As a friend, an associate,
A ***** relative, a co worker
An influence, a blood line
And a cool memory,
To solidify an actual fact...

I am, in fact, in love.

I didn't see it coming
Nor did she,
You didn't see it coming...
But, that is why we are here.

For love...
Not yours, mine.
Ours.

Needless to say, it is our honour
To share this pivotal moment in our lives
With such beautiful people
With such awesome haircuts.

You have all been a part of our timeline
And no one would have ever guessed
This girl, that I first kissed, when I was 10
Would meet me in the future
And be awesome enough to be my wife.

Lucky duck.

And she is...
She is fkn awesome.

So, good luck to us,
Because after all this ****,
It will be just us.

Going to work and cooking dinner,
Dishes and bills and dog **** to pick up,
Family stuff, you know what I mean,
Life **** but we just say...
We're living the fkn dream.

Those in earshot,
That made the effort,
To be here, in this moment
We thank you.

Thank you all.

For those who don't know the story...

I had a girlfriend when I was 10 years old
We held hands, as 10 years olds do
She was my first kiss
In a little SA town called Two Wells.

We wrote letters to eachother
I made her mixed tapes
She was so beautiful
But, unfortunately, she moved away.

She moved to QLD, with her family
And lived her life
And I lived mine...

She had 3 kids
And so did I
And we just, lived our lives...

30 years later,
I got a happy birthday message
From a girl I knew
When I was 10.

Back and forth, we messaged eachother
Explaining our lives and what happened
A spark soon developed
Which ignited soon after,
Into a ****** raging bonfire.

Months went by, we finally met
She flew to me, back to where it all began
And this bonfire, fukn exploded
Into a mother fukn forrest fire.

Back and forth, we flew to eachother
We counted the days between visits
We met one anothers family
Until one day, I told her I loved her.

There were no brakes on this train of love.

Sometime in this story, I dropped a knee
Devoting my heart to her
I cant remember exactly what I said
But, I'm pretty sure she said yes.

She packed up her entire life
Her kids, her memories, everything
She threw caution to the wind
All for me.

She moved from QLD
And moved her entire life to Roxby
She followed her heart
All for me.

We have made a life now
We are making our own memories
And this forrest fire...
Brings new life and new beginnings.

This girl that I first kissed
Will be the woman that I last kiss
She has saved my life
And I will be forever grateful.

Love ya darlin x

2 days of 14
Is all I get
To see my kids.

48 days of a year
They grow up so quick
I miss everything.

My daughter doesn't stay anymore
But she messages me
When she wants money.

I've always worked
Start early, finish late
Until love went to ****
I had to vacate.

So, I pay child support
To my ex, to my kids
But, I am too poor
To do anything when I see them.

The system is flawed
I am lonesome and poor
Because of my decisions
To be a work horse.

I thought, if I worked
I would get in front
But, the system is broken
Like this silly old ****.

I started again
Got married, fell in love
I adopted her kids
A daughter, and 2 sons.

I keep working, everyday
In hope, it will all work out
But I am broken and poor
And in constant self doubt.

Life is not fair
The system is ******
This is mine, and for yours...

Good luck.

She awakes at 4am
Tiptoes around the house
Just to allow the sleeping babes
To continue dreaming
Takeaway tea, crib sorted the night before
There she goes
Out the door.
Extras this swing
Perhaps 16 days all up
She grinds against the world
A woman in a mine.
Oranges on, PPE off her hip
Prestart, handover, warm tea to sip
Always smiling, even if defeated
Crib in the fridge, hopefully has time to eat.
Incidents, meetings, head up girl
The perceived pressure weighs heavy
On your sweat soaked shoulders
You've got this kid.
She gets home, shopping under arm
Straight to the kitchen
Cooking up a storm
Weary and worn, still smiling
She deals with kids issues
Alert, focused and attentive
Giving her all until she gets cold
Ready to rest her unbrushed head.

And there I am
In awe.

Goodnight my love
I will sort what you could not
Look after yourself tomorrow
Be safe, sweet dreams.

Christmas lights are tangled
This may take a while
I may need silence
I may need space

It's all too much sometimes.

To the furthest point
Deep in the cave
You'll find me
Untangling lights

She comes hunting
Venturing, cautious
Torch lit, tread carefully
I'm back there somewhere

As the light piercers the darkness
I am crounched, head down
Lights entwined and draped
Look up in fear and curiosity

I see her

She understands

She grabs a bunch of cable

And she helps with the unravelling.

The sobs can be heard
From the entrance
The beautiful pain
We share and heal together.

We'll have tinsel this year.

Red light.

Breathe broken breaths
Clench tighter than before
Blink twice, just to hold back
Nuisance tears.

Disconnect eye contact
Take the deep breath slowly
To deter detection
Of the emptiness within.

Missed calls
Unanswered texts
Notifications mount
Too much for the weak angels.

Responsibility wolves
Gnashing their jowls
Drooling their expectation
Dog food breath on the back of neck.

Tiny frame tightening
Plastic teeth clenched
Eyes, now as bitter slits
Crumpled paper expression...

Green light,

Foot down.

This smile that I fake
Every day...

The mask slips aside
I cannot hide
The silly angst
Behind.

I want the best
For everyone
But let myself die
With thumbs up.

This life
Is not mine
This home
Is alone.

Hopelessly in love
Destroying all of the above.

Dinner's ready honey
Thanks babydoll.

I've seen a strong man cry
Break down in my arms like a child
Then **** it up like all is fine
Beaten down by this cruel world.
The system is broken
And so are the men
We toil just to numb the pain
Drink and smoke to forget.
No annual leave left
To sleep in and organise life
No sick leave to watch a movie
Knock off and fall asleep.

The kids don't call
Nor do I
I miss being in their life
It kills me inside.

I'm a good liar
Showing a strong exterior
But I am breaking
It has taken some time.

Laziness and poor sleep
Turn off the car, almost weep
Take a breath, go inside
Say hello to the wife.

The pressure mounts
I feel it within
Not long now
Not long now.

Close the eyes of the heart
Let it rest
Pull the blinds of the mind
That will do for today

Allow the dream to suffocate
Push aside the real
Alone in an overcast sky
Assume the stars still shine

Bleed the stone
Betray the clone
Ignore the phone
Silent in gold

Tomorrow will arrive
Today will die
The aches will subside
If only for a while

Try again when you wake.

I saw her, for the first time
On the other side of the glass
Patiently, I sat crossed legged
To feel the first embrace

The touch of her skin
The feel of the kiss on her face
I waited there
Fireworks within

I held her close and tight
Her scent of strawberry and sweets
As she wrapped her arms around me
I felt as I was home and safe

Hometown pains and wonders
Photos of postcodes
The proudest chauffeur
Holding hands at 110

Admitting our faults
Our horrible histories
Our defects and additions
To our now naked bodies

Endless banter, factual and humour
Bouncing off of walls and eachother
Beers and ***** and pizza
We talked as if weve known eachother forever
Falling asleep naked
In the middle of the day
Eggs Benedict and pear cider
Come in, we're awesome

Hot tubs and expensive reds
Fruchocs, dark chocolate with mint
Dressed to the nines
Is where I made her mine

No TV, just music and squeezes
Sensual ******* passions
Climbed trees in the rain
Tested beds in showrooms
Spilled drinks and kicked over *** plants
Sang songs of our playlist
And her kiss
Was that of an angel I once knew

I will not defer
It is all for her
I will cherish this twin flame
Under the same star
No matter how far away we are.

I have never had a memory so pure
So I am sure
That she is mine
And I am hers

X

Typical bloke.
Flanny, wife beater, blue jeans, work boots
Rough around the edges
12 hour shifts on the daily.

Split with the missus
A while ago now
Misses the kids
Works like a machine.

Knocks off at dusk
Sits out the back
Punchin darts and sippn bevs
It's all he knows.

He doesn't eat as well as he should
Microwaved feeds and barbecues
Saves on dishes, doesn't mind fishn
Pays his child support as required.

All he knows is work
Cutla mates he doesn't often see
He gets choked up but swallows the pain
Just to get through his work day.

He doesn't ring his kids
As he doesn't know where they're at
So, he punches darts and sips bevs
Out the back.

He reeks of loneliness
He doesn't have much to say
He just asks us questions
To which we reply, vaguely.

He tries...
But he is so disconnected
So broken and out of touch
I miss who he used to be so much.

Always on his own
With the blade to his wrist
Fate tempting the twist
But always ends up clenched fist.

He built this nest
The same place he *****
Akin to his demons
Typical bloke.

Sundee
Lazy arv
Everything
In its right place

Make the time
To help future me
Do it now
Later is too late

Keep moving
Organise small futures
Tiny goals
Baby fireworks wins

Pub for dinner
Alone.

Take the time
To get dressed up
To smell delectable
Even though I'm on my own.

Be nice
Smile and listen
Retort in my own way
To incite thought and emotion.

Eat my *******
In the dining room
With families and friends
On my own, table 46.

Cheers, hoo roo.

Take the bins out
Calm the lounge fire
Prep work clothes for tomorrow
Curl up in the silence.

Lazy eve
Sundee.

Go to work
Get paid
Play sport
Get laid
Pay bills
Socialise
Alarm is set
For tomorrow.

Stay in touch
Moving forward
100 percent
Living the dream.

Full time
Annual leave
Happy Friday
*******.

It never ends
Until your end
This system we're in
You'd best hold on.

I never know what to write
Confronting the blank page
Many thoughts dance and swirl
I could write what I think, or what I feel.

It's up to me.

The freedom imprisons me
Locked up in my own wings...

Sometimes...

I just don't know what to write.

There are so many angles
So many feelings
So many thoughts
Just being an average human...

But if I write it to let it out
To inspire or perhaps incite
What right or wrong will be achieved
I'll just charge my phone goodnight.

Now
Is so different
So oblique
So new... still, after all this time .

Just realised
That I
Just realised.

Rich poor man
Still can...

Week to week
There is no weakness

Which bruises easily,
Has chalky bones

Calm chaos,
Welcome to
Door mat and exit light
Confuse, engulf, exhale.

If you lived in my mind
You'd be home by now.

Young man
You ok?

Everything's on top of you
I'm sorry to say
It gets worse as you get older
Middle class front liner

Just save money
Don't spend it on ****
Moderate your vices
Or they will own you

Be your own boss
Buy a house early
Invest wisely
Educate your world

Don't marry early
Travel, see the world
Fall in love
With a million girls

Be a gentleman
Be honest, don't steal
Do what you say
Say what you feel

Life is hard
Unrewarding and mean
No one gives a **** about you
Not even me

You're on your own
It's all in your hands
You ok?
Young man?

She cries when we part
The weakness in my heart
Is incomparable
To any pain ever felt.

At best, I am a ghost
Haunting the world
Then disappearing
Without notice or warning.

I remember, our faces pushed
Her out of focus green eyes
Looking deep into mine
On bedding strewn.

I remember, holding her in my arms
Feeding her my calm
Making her mine
And allowing myself to be hers.

She cries when I'm not there
Knowing, what she has is afar
Out there, in the world, somewhere
Living, without her.

I stay silent
As to not sway the tide
Yet I have a boiling ocean of angst
Inside.

The weakness in my heart
Is incomparable
To any pain ever felt.

She cries when we part.

Haikus are stupid,
And sometimes, they don't make sense...
Refrigerator.

Take a breath
Leave for the weekend
Find an enemy
In a friend.
Float to the surface
Like the crud you are
Become sediment
And sink.

See another side
Saw in myself
Dislike the resemblance
Mask up.
Just sleep
Roll over
Go cold
Become reborn tomorrow.

Your pulse will calm
Emotion will exhale
Try again another day
Just get ****** up to refocus.

Move
Crawl
Slither
Digest.

With ruthless adoration
And violent embrace
You will be loved
You have no choice.

My curious insanity
Will make heads tilt
Hate will be spilt
To make room for affection.

Silly womble
No need to be troubled.

Explosive caress
Wings in full bloom
Right now is the reason
Never soon.

Soar and scream
Life and dream
Will finally entwine
With our life combined.

I was once young
Tomorrow I'll be 41
What have I done
With all this time?

I have regrets
Choices I wish I changed
Decisions hastily made
Rushing to live.

I have felt the things
You have all felt
I have worked the hours
And slept in.

I will spend this birthday alone
Perhaps a drink or four
I will blow out no candles
Nor make a wish.

This life is not done with me yet
I wish to die at 84
Happy birthday kid
You'll never be 40 again.

This write
Is about you.

You're still young
You have time
We all see the strength
In the lightening from your eyes.

Life is a fickle arrangement of sweets
Sometimes you gotta eat the licorice.

This love in your heart
Combined with
Those things you didn't say
This is not how it has to be.

Don't mix your thought
With feeling
It will leave you unsure
Follow your heart OR your head.

People love you
Our circles are small
But the love we project
Embraces us all.

I fuckn believe in you
So dig fukn deep

Find the light which defines who you are
You've got this.