She awakes at 4am
Tiptoes around the house
Just to allow the sleeping babes
To continue dreaming
Takeaway tea, crib sorted the night before
There she goes
Out the door.
Extras this swing
Perhaps 16 days all up
She grinds against the world
A woman in a mine.
Oranges on, PPE off her hip
Prestart, handover, warm tea to sip
Always smiling, even if defeated
Crib in the fridge, hopefully has time to eat.
Incidents, meetings, head up girl
The perceived pressure weighs heavy
On your sweat soaked shoulders
You've got this kid.
She gets home, shopping under arm
Straight to the kitchen
Cooking up a storm
Weary and worn, still smiling
She deals with kids issues
Alert, focused and attentive
Giving her all until she gets cold
Ready to rest her unbrushed head.

And there I am
In awe.

Goodnight my love
I will sort what you could not
Look after yourself tomorrow
Be safe, sweet dreams.

Words that pass my lips
Spoken from the reverberations
That my throat makes
For some reason.





Converse with another mechanism
From within my mechanism
My comfortable prison
Close eyelids to pull the blinds

We are all ****** up
In our own lil cute way
And I pull the levers
To act the socially acceptable way

But, the other day
I pressed a button
Perhaps, I shouldn't have
But, I did

It has triggered proximity switches
24volt control
Fed through inverters and now
There ain't no brakes

Not with this plc installation
Outputs all closed...

**** it.

Awake guilty
Against my will
I miss them, I do
The unity and history
New, bizarre characters
New, bizarre old world
If truth be told
I don't yet fit here.

I am a broken man
My worst enemy, my biggest fan
I know that I can
But, can I?

I adore her endlessly
Her beautiful particularities
Little fingers locked tight
Pinky swear.

My love will complicate
As times continues to breathe
But it will always, always
Remain.

Finding my place
We aint even kin
But the pain from the distance
Still resides within.

As the lights dim
And eyelids grow weight
Demons within
Continue the spate
There is enough love in me
To devour over a lifetime
Go to sleep guilty
Against my will.

I hear him through passing
Cries of a teenage boy
I barge in to find him
Slumped over his bed, phone in hand
Hunched in the position
Of a deeply engrossed Android user
Tears and snot drip from his face
I take a knee, and adorn my embrace.

It doesn't matter why
It doesn't matter who
Not to me
My only concern is his sadness.

Social ******* media
Is a poison.

I never had it as a kid
So, it's a hard one to relate to.

To him, I am just a lame old man
Past his prime, no one wants to hear.

To me, he is how I used to be
When I was 14...

But that doesn't matter to the 14.

And it wont matter, perhaps until the 20s.

I sit out the back, in the shed, and write this
While he, questions his place and his sanity
My lil man, my boy, my son
Cope as you will...

Dinner will be ready soon.

For those who don't know the story...

I had a girlfriend when I was 10 years old
We held hands, as 10 years olds do
She was my first kiss
In a little SA town called Two Wells.

We wrote letters to eachother
I made her mixed tapes
She was so beautiful
But, unfortunately, she moved away.

She moved to QLD, with her family
And lived her life
And I lived mine...

She had 3 kids
And so did I
And we just, lived our lives...

30 years later,
I got a happy birthday message
From a girl I knew
When I was 10.

Back and forth, we messaged eachother
Explaining our lives and what happened
A spark soon developed
Which ignited soon after,
Into a ****** raging bonfire.

Months went by, we finally met
She flew to me, back to where it all began
And this bonfire, fukn exploded
Into a mother fukn forrest fire.

Back and forth, we flew to eachother
We counted the days between visits
We met one anothers family
Until one day, I told her I loved her.

There were no brakes on this train of love.

Sometime in this story, I dropped a knee
Devoting my heart to her
I cant remember exactly what I said
But, I'm pretty sure she said yes.

She packed up her entire life
Her kids, her memories, everything
She threw caution to the wind
All for me.

She moved from QLD
And moved her entire life to Roxby
She followed her heart
All for me.

We have made a life now
We are making our own memories
And this forrest fire...
Brings new life and new beginnings.

This girl that I first kissed
Will be the woman that I last kiss
She has saved my life
And I will be forever grateful.

Love ya darlin x

I was once young
Tomorrow I'll be 41
What have I done
With all this time?

I have regrets
Choices I wish I changed
Decisions hastily made
Rushing to live.

I have felt the things
You have all felt
I have worked the hours
And slept in.

I will spend this birthday alone
Perhaps a drink or four
I will blow out no candles
Nor make a wish.

This life is not done with me yet
I wish to die at 84
Happy birthday kid
You'll never be 40 again.

Our little dream
Is ours alone
From a long distance relationship
To making a home
If it wasn't for the chaos
If it wasn't for the strain
This beautiful life
Would be but a dream.

She takes the time
To show her love
As tired as she is
She still manages a smile
I am fickle at best
She dotes at my being
But I am far from the man
I wish to be.

I pour my heart on her
To give her the strength
With my long nailed demons
Scratching within my head
I calm them with toxins
I sedate them with love
I comatose them with dreams
And all the above.

Where will this end?
With enemy or friend?
Only time will tell
Whether this dream is ours
Or it belongs to them.

This moment in time,
Right now,

Is what we have.

How will you cope
With now?

Smiles are coming.

You have my word.

I don't want to go to work
I just want to sleep
I don't care what needs to be done
I detest responsibility

Bring me food
In my bed
Let me watch tv
All day

Let me stink
Let me snack
All day long
On my back

Brush the crumbs
From my chin
The phone keeps ringing
But I'm not listening

Just one day
Is all I require
To regather my motivation
Tomorrow I'll try again

Off the grid
In my bed
Is all I need
Just leave me be.

Gettn older
Eyes take longer to focus
Rust between knees
Cobwebs muster in my mind
Patience thins
Years seems quicker
The habits I still have
Are full blown addictions
Bones once tender
Now withered and chalk
Time is now an issue
And is fleeting
Crows feet smile
Plastic teeth
Still a child inside
But the outer is fragile and weak
Awake to an aching spine
Short of breath
I just need a minute
But I am running out if time.

Gettn older.

Love is no longer an issue.

Now, others things must take precedence.

This is the go...

I left a destructive relationship,
I started again, and I chose wisely,
But, my children, left to go wild
Somehow, still love me.

Now, I reside in a household of 9
A broken family, we are the ties
We cook and clean and tend to them
We expect money for bills and rent.
Common areas are tidied
The dog is fed
We got them all jobs
To expose them to the cruelty of life.
Kids from 25 to 14
We have set them on a path
And we are there, to guide and confide
As long as they use their manners.

But, I left 3 behind...
It burns my heart and soul
As they are left to their own devices
Without me to shield from the cold.
So, with my love, we have a plan
To build a home for all
For freedom and growth and mistakes
To learn from and evolve.

It pains me, but, this is life
It is cold, and mean and unforgiving
Time will tell if these wounds heal
And this, is the point of living.

Pent up rage
Spitting as he curses
What ever is close
Is destroyed

He is chaos personified
Testosterone screams
And he digs deep
To spray his wicked hate

The world is to blame
For his angst
His eyes, so shallow
To his own actions

It hurts
But I allow it to pass
As he is 15
And his words are not his

He screamed at me
And advised me
Never to call him my son
For the things I've done

He must be destroyed
To be rebuilt
He must find himself
In the blood he has spilt

I fight tears and fear
In seeing him in such a state
He is my son, my boy
My 15 year old mate

Just let me sleep
To heal my hurts
To muffle the demons
Screaming within,
Just let me sleep
To recharge my core
To refocus my mind
To forgive my sins.

It doesnt matter
That my eyes are open
Just let me sleep.

Today I am not ok.

The demons within
Are getting their way,

They gouge and claw
Scratch and score
Embrace and adore
My beautiful pain,
I hear their screams
From beneathe paper skin
I turn up the music
In an attempt to muffle them.

I stop my day
To renounce their rein
With this wee poem
In hope it will slay,
Vent their angst
Through dancing word
It is my only defence
Against the hate they incur.

This anguish in time
Silences at last
Until next time they grow strength
And run rampant within.

Today, I'll be ok.

This write
Is about you.

You're still young
You have time
We all see the strength
In the lightening from your eyes.

Life is a fickle arrangement of sweets
Sometimes you gotta eat the licorice.

This love in your heart
Combined with
Those things you didn't say
This is not how it has to be.

Don't mix your thought
With feeling
It will leave you unsure
Follow your heart OR your head.

People love you
Our circles are small
But the love we project
Embraces us all.

I fuckn believe in you
So dig fukn deep

Find the light which defines who you are
You've got this.

Go to work
Get paid
Play sport
Get laid
Pay bills
Socialise
Alarm is set
For tomorrow.

Stay in touch
Moving forward
100 percent
Living the dream.

Full time
Annual leave
Happy Friday
*******.

It never ends
Until your end
This system we're in
You'd best hold on.

Amongst walls
My pet hate
The screens glow warm
Up the ante.
Familiar nuance
Crippling addiction
Habitual ritual
Fool in tradies clothing.
Identity dying
Unique fades
As weekly expenditures
Folds into days.
Hide the losses
Ignore the demon
Just to feel
Its grasp over again.
Fleeting luck
Pick a corner
Where will it end?
Once every coin is spent.

I will not apologise
And this suicide
Will not pay penance
For my wrongdoings.
At my eulogy
Speak lowly of me
Tell them of the *******
I truly was.
Destroy all memory
So I can rest anonymous
The price paid
Outweighed the cost.

She cries when we part
The weakness in my heart
Is incomparable
To any pain ever felt.

At best, I am a ghost
Haunting the world
Then disappearing
Without notice or warning.

I remember, our faces pushed
Her out of focus green eyes
Looking deep into mine
On bedding strewn.

I remember, holding her in my arms
Feeding her my calm
Making her mine
And allowing myself to be hers.

She cries when I'm not there
Knowing, what she has is afar
Out there, in the world, somewhere
Living, without her.

I stay silent
As to not sway the tide
Yet I have a boiling ocean of angst
Inside.

The weakness in my heart
Is incomparable
To any pain ever felt.

She cries when we part.

If you leave me
Please **** me
As life is nothing
Without you

If I leave you
Please **** me
As life is nothing
Without you

If I die
With you in my life
I will die smiling

If you die
With me in your life
I will live smiling

Without my best friend
Life has no meaning
So, lets never die
Ok?

If the pain you feel is deep
Eat and sleep.

Refuel.
Swich off.

Disconnect
To reconnect.

Vegetate.
We are mammals.

Things can wait
This is only one day
**** the world
Do you.

Music
Poetry
Draw
Paint

Do nothing.

Life will wait.

Eat.

Don't forget to eat.

Your future you will thank you.

Dream sweet.

I want it all
Yet nothing at all
I want to reach the highest peak
And fall
All at once
Yet not even a taste
I want to be left alone
In your warm embrace.

If you let me
I will show you
Who we can be
Together
I will show you love
And give you my all
If you catch me
After this fall.

These buckled knees
These broken dreams
This rusted cage
Around my heart
This tiny frame
This twisted brain
Unbeknownst to me
Was yours from the start.

I never knew
How I was able to feel
Until I felt something
For you
I cannot wait
Nor resist
To lose myself
In your touch and your kiss.

It is 5am
My alarm, as always chimes
The theme from Lion King
I reach over and down and swipe.

Reach over and kiss your brow
You are always awake
You advise that I have a good day
And from that moment, I do.

You tell me you love me
As I close the door ajar
Pack smoko and knock off sweetener
Be careful with the creaky screen door.

I go to work
I do my thing
I text and snap you
And you do the same.

Work does not matter
But, the money does
It helps fuel our future
So we can focus on us.

These family ties
These oddities and trials
Are a drop in the ocean
Of this beautiful life.

These pressures and perceived aches
Are beneath you
You're better than this
You just have to believe it.

My work day ends
But work is still to be done
Sort dinner, improvise
Give kisses and gaze into your sweet pixie eyes.

You get home later
I am a few beers deep
As per usual
You're used to it.

All the ****
But it's all good
Goodnight my love
I'll see you in the morn.

I apologise
For the things I may say
For the lack of ***** I have
On the average day
I love you.

For the ******* I give
We're just trying to live
For the animosity you sieve
I can be an *******
But, I love you.

For the tension I bring
For that uncomfortable feeling
For that squirmish *******
I dont mean it

I will come back around
And smother you with rose petals
That I stole or I "found"
Just to to show you
I adore you

I will prove that you're wrong
Do a dance, sing a song
Gloat and be a *****
For no reason

Then I'll subside and regret
Letting my trigger finger sweat
When I see the angst
That I've caused you

I apologise in advance
For ripping off your pants
And dancing around
Like the fool I am

Just know it's not me
Just an intoxicated fool
Wavering my ego
Like a caveman

I'm a ****
I'm a tool

But, **** me,  I love you
And I'll show you I do,

Just bare with me.

I promise my love
Will never grow rust
This is stainless
Gimme ten years, and I'll show you.

Down.

Lines of communication blur
I can't be sure
Of my ****** expression
Or body language
My silence says it all
The disinterest
The cold response
The fatigue.

With tender touch
She prys at my shell
Searching for cracks
Or a subtle tell
Tender within
I convulse and sin
I let no love out
I let no love in.

The pain is all I want
This twisted front
It's all I've known
It has help me grow,
Perhaps not
I don't know what
It is to be loved
By another so pure.

She won't let me die
Without a fight
And the tears from her heart
Fall upon mine
My poor brittle ego
Exhales all this angst
And I fall hopelessly
In her embrace.

Hope to nest, just to weave a web,
Outstretched digits
To memories 6foot in the head,
Caught in baby talons, rose thorns;

Ripped to shreds.

Hindsight too late,
Cherubs on shoulders mute,
Strategic management of emotion,
To be filed amongst John Doe.

All dollars and sense.

Loneliness fleeting,
Months trickle to days,
How does one cope,
Amongst the phase of the days layers?

Eat the elephant...
One
Day
At
A
Time.

Calm on the outside
Trembling within
Strength of a man
Heart of a child

Why didn't they teach me
About life in school
Why didn't they advise
It could be so cruel

Just grow up and realise
You're on your own
Fumbling with emotion
Swim or drown

They all seem in control
Like they have it all
While I smile and struggle
With no idea what to do

Life, may just be
Pay bills and die.

Christmas lights are tangled
This may take a while
I may need silence
I may need space

It's all too much sometimes.

To the furthest point
Deep in the cave
You'll find me
Untangling lights

She comes hunting
Venturing, cautious
Torch lit, tread carefully
I'm back there somewhere

As the light piercers the darkness
I am crounched, head down
Lights entwined and draped
Look up in fear and curiosity

I see her

She understands

She grabs a bunch of cable

And she helps with the unravelling.

The sobs can be heard
From the entrance
The beautiful pain
We share and heal together.

We'll have tinsel this year.

From everyday, endless and boundless,
To nothing.

I chose this.

It kills me,
To be unable to love
Her.

I wait, for a sign
But, she has so much respect
And so do I.

I want to reconnect
But the flame will reignite
And we will get burnt.

Maybe, it's not our time
Maybe, our time is to come
Maybe we missed our chance.

Maybe, it was my big fat stupid fault.

Trapped by my own decisions
To do the "right" thing
I will break every heart I love
If I manifest this.

I am unsure
What hurts more
The fact I can't love her
Or the silence.

I chose this.

Be prepared.

That's what they taught me
In scouts.

Be prepared.

This beautiful catastrophe
Can be sorted
With preparation,
And accurate action.

Time is of the essence,
Not getting any younger,
For forty ******* years
I've been getting my **** together.

Just keep trying

Keep swimming

Accept the **** ups

Carry on.

As long as you try to try
I spose that's what matters,
All you need is love
And all of the above.

Oh, and be prepared.

Anything could ******* happen.

I was once like you
Wild and untamed
Music, drugs, no plan.

Concerts, mosh pits
Ripped jeans
Bad hair
Thinking I was the ****.

Living from week to week
Live like a king on payday
Almost homeless 6 days later
Microwaved meal diet.

**** school
Just a social gathering
Girlfriends and gossip
Popularity and talking ****.

**** and acid
Alcohol and cigarettes
Music, love and ***
Lets get ****** up.

Then, the hangovers hung on
And the drugs made me ill
I'd lose my edge, my intensity
I was aging... ******.

Get a job, get a haircut, comply
Every day, just get up and go
Save the money, buy a house
Wise investments.

Get married, have kids
Go to work, every ******* day
Just to support these kids
I helped to make.

So, these kids I made
Bad hair, attitude
All they want is music and drugs
Little devious homeless thugs.

It didn't matter
The wrong they did
I was just like them once
A thoughtless little kid.

So, it has all gone full circle
I am an old bloke now
And these kids, not giving a ****
Come to me when they need me.

It's not all bad
I see my kids happy sometimes
And I see who I used to be
With my kids, who were just like me.

God speed.

I was there first
So I get the room with the ensuite.

Dave soon moves in
1 of the other 3 rooms
He is clean, he is loud
We find a common ground.

He does the same job I do
But he's coordinating the civil crew
He drinks his Jameson neat
He is a broken man, finding his feet.

Youngy, the concreter moves in
He is simple, and pure and giving
He often tends to the garden
Straight after work, with a pint.

We share a fridge
He likes lego, and toys and things
The rubber egg trick
Will forever be in my memory.

The young lad Shannon, takes the last room,
A chippy, who knows his ****,
And he tells us this
And doesn't shut up.

A sweet kid, slightly annoying
He knows it all, so,
We changed his name to Google,
You can't choose your nickname.

We all work for the same company
Dave wakes up at dawns crack
Google showers at night
Youngy is always home first.

Dave cooks every night
Google meal preps and microwaves
Me and Youngy... well...
We get by.

All of us away from family
12 to 14 hour days
We are at work
More than we are at home.

All from different worlds,
We make it work
Google moves out next week,
Due to upsetting the herd.

We are here for the money
We are here for our family
Dealing with our own ****
And sharing it occasionally.

I wish them success,
As I know this is temporary
All the best
To Dave and Google and Youngy.

Ignoring little scenarios
That will one day explode
Into epic sagas

Calm in my cage
They can't get me
Time will heal all wounds
I'm hopefully sure

Break my own secret rules
Ignore consequence
At this moment in time
It made sense

I love you, but
*******.

Pieces of my puzzle
I cut to size
So they fit
To suit my mind

Create chances
Jump fences
Alter instructions
Open book inductions

Ignore epic sagas
That will one day explode
Into little scenarios

Alone we sit, in stillness
On my shoulders you rest your weight
My sweet sorrow, my bitter tears
Endure this present state.

We talk of pasts and futures
Of nows and thens and ifs
Me mumble and stammer
But understand every word.

You cure my ills with confidence
Caress my soul with your aches
I commit to now and every day forward
Until the bow it breaks.

As days surpass into eves
I yearn for your warmth, your glow
As chaos decides which path to ****
Hold hands tight, my sweet sorrow.

Bitter little vices
We see as breaths of fresh air
Takes pieces of my identity
And settle there
Grind away at the every day
We're on, we're off
We have a vague plan
And we're vaguely sticking to it.

Circling winds
Stand within
Remnants of adoration
Unsure footing.

Movement where there was once none
It all twists and becomes
A life once wished upon
Unfortunate for some.

Blending worlds
Through ebb and flow
It is what it is
What will be will be, you'll see.

Luxury of love
The silk and the scent and the humble
The angst and the crush and the crumble
Privileged to be involved.

Blessed with morning kiss
Caring head on chest
Someone to assist with mess
A friend to miss.

It will all make sense
After the storm
For now, just stand within
Circling winds.

When ever you're ready
Im ready.

We'll figure it out
We'll make it work.

This tangled web
Has become knotted
Uncomfortable and confusing
But, it is ours.

I've got something
To tell you
You may embrace
You may repel.

I can't contain
This emotion within
I will decide that tact
Is not required.

Open book
**** the consequences
As you will only feel them
If you choose to.

I'm gonna marry her
You're gonna have a step Mum
There is this new family
That is keen to meet you.

You don't have to choose
You can have both
And why wouldn't you decide
Both sides?

When ever you're ready
I'm ready.

This spare room
Is yours.

Who would have thought
When I was 10
My first kiss
Would be my wife.

We are experiencing life
Its highs and lows
Blended family
Chaos and serenity.

The photos she shows me
I acknowledge and accept
As a time she wasn't mine
But would be.

Her memories in boxes
And in data on her phone
She shares with such passion
Of a time without me in them.

But, as we grow together
Her memories do too
And I get a place
In her data.

I see in her eyes
The beautiful girl
I kissed first in this life
I made her my wife.

Her strength and frailty
Her wisdom and idiocy
Are all beautiful traits
That I will be in awe forever more.

She projects her love
Like no other before
But she was the first
That I would adore.

I miss her after hours
Of not seeing her face
She has the most comfortable heart
And I have the most comfortable space.

There is no concern
Nor past instances of mistrust
Who would have thought
My first kiss would be my last.

Ive been here 3 weeks
And this pain in my head
Wont cease

I eat ok
And the drinking has slowed
Perhaps this pressure
Is due to work load

I awake at 5
I must sleep at 9
In order to get
The sleep I require

To awake at 5.

My kids don't miss me
My ex fukn hates me
Or maybe she doesn't
It's hard to tell...

My new love is all I have
We have plans I intend to keep
She is the first thing I think of
And the last before I go to sleep.

When I get home
I sit in my empty house
With nothing to do
For 2 days.

I sleep on the plane
I eat at the pub
I eat in my office
I eat in my car.

I have all this money
But no time
For love
Or life.

This is not living
This is an existence.

The buzz of the front bar
Ignites the senses
I am here
For the noise and movement.

This pain in my head
Still wont cease
And I've only been here
For 3 weeks.

Wandering ghost
Cellophane happiness
Anxious bites and nibbles
Of exhausted duress

Spinning in spirals
Cartwheels up hills
Reality nipping
At worn cardboard heels

Hilarious funerals
Darkness glows to a tint
Poverty clown shoes
Without spending a cent

Reek of the stains
Splintered in the veins
There ain't no brakes
On this backwards train

Feed the deluge
With experience and growth
Caged in a carcass
Wandering ghost

Found love
There she is
On the other side
Of my phone

Screen shots
Texts and snaps
Messenger messages
Phone calls and face time

She is so far
Or is it me?

I will marry her
As, she is my queen
And I cannot be king
Without her

This torrid affair
Was not our intent
The heart wants
What the heart wants

Regardless

The pieces fit
So perfectly snug
Til when, til whenever
This is love.

I miss them
That is all
I just want the opportunity
To be their father

She twists my words
Confuses my focus
Belittles my strength
And diffuses my light

She tells them things
That we have spoken of
Adult conversation
Fed to children

It is killing me.

This loneliness
Has teeth and wings and muscle
It compresses and crushes
Filters and flushes.

I hope time heals this
I assume it will
Just flatten the line with poisons divine
When they arrive, ensure you're alive.

3 kids and a dog
20 years of pleasure and pain
I look up from my hole
Which took 20 years to excavate
Happiness is fleeting
Demons I've been feeding
Have gorged on the pains
A banquet of self hate.

I apologize for the lack of love
For the self isolation
For the dishonesty
And no communication
It doesn't matter now
I can't un-say what I've said
Nor undo what I've done
This love is dead

She allows me to stay
To sleep on the couch
To be a ghost of a man
Still visible
I hunt for a house
A place just to sleep
3 kids and a dog
Just a fading memory.

From what everything once was,
To what everything is now.

Prickles from baby plant talons,
Paper cuts with a hint of sting
Under skin, now paper thin,
ESP now inevitably seen.
Warmth from lost souls,
Misery loves company,
They always have to leave,
Collectable core memories.

Electricity and water
Lessen the resistivity,
Flow over scars as tar feathered,
Healing as they go,
As they glow.
Stalemate black and white affection,
Gloves off, butterfly acceptance,
Just let it bee...
Naked flame of you and me.

Calm water mirror reflections,
No stones thrown today,
Ripples stay in past skims of stones
In other streams, perhaps dreams.
For the now, in this small present,
Give cheese to the skies,
Relect from far away clouds and stars
To reserved hearts.

From what everything is now,
To what everything will be.

She's younger than me maybe
She likes me, no conditions apply
I fall deep and stay deep
When I see her smile from her eyes.
Shes been through the ringer
A life many would've given up
But she pushed through, maybe for her kids
Maybe for the hope of true love.
I've made promises I intend to keep
A life we've chosen to live
I will love and adore, cherish and more
Than I ever will or have done before.
There are complications to endure
Issues to sift and sort
Movements to make, risks to take
And furniture to be bought.

Fuckn bring it.

I have made an ode to be the man
She has needed, never to forget
To share a life one hundred percent
And bring home the milk and bread.