Close the eyes of the heart
Let it rest
Pull the blinds of the mind
That will do for today

Allow the dream to suffocate
Push aside the real
Alone in an overcast sky
Assume the stars still shine

Bleed the stone
Betray the clone
Ignore the phone
Silent in gold

Tomorrow will arrive
Today will die
The aches will subside
If only for a while

Try again when you wake.

Be prepared.

That's what they taught me
In scouts.

Be prepared.

This beautiful catastrophe
Can be sorted
With preparation,
And accurate action.

Time is of the essence,
Not getting any younger,
For forty ******* years
I've been getting my **** together.

Just keep trying

Keep swimming

Accept the **** ups

Carry on.

As long as you try to try
I spose that's what matters,
All you need is love
And all of the above.

Oh, and be prepared.

Anything could ******* happen.

We rekindled on a leap year
Through phone guise
I saw her
Beautiful pixie eyes

With ebb and flow
Over distance
Kindred flames
Soaked in similar essence

Her in her world
Me in mine
Our only focus
Was eachothers time

We want to test the waters
With bated breath
She booked a flight
And so, we met

We found it
What we all crave
The effortless love
I think it was a Wednesday

We will be wed
We are a team
As scary as it is
This is our dream

To find that happiness
Is truly a blessing
If you buy me a beer
You'll get an invite to the wedding.

On my own
I think, alone
Dreams and situations
Try my hand at foresight

It always turns out
Different.

My charm and wit
My charismatic influence
All gos to ****
On my own.

I was once
More than I am
Once, I felt
More alive.

On my own.

The poems I wrote
You didn't read.

I was trying
To communicate.

The threats you dished out
The compliance you required
The more you wanted
Just bottled me up.

Now, you are someone else
Someone I wouldn't bother with
A memory that pains me
A topic I try to avoid.

I tried
Pieces within have died
I have no choice but to use my voice
To try and regain some pride.

I have built myself up
I have a beautiful friend by my side
I have recreated myself in such a way
The old me wouldn't recognise.

This is the last one I write
The last one you won't read.

It doesn't matter what you think
Or how you feel
I have cut ties...

Tell the kids, Dad says Hi.

When ever you're ready
Im ready.

We'll figure it out
We'll make it work.

This tangled web
Has become knotted
Uncomfortable and confusing
But, it is ours.

I've got something
To tell you
You may embrace
You may repel.

I can't contain
This emotion within
I will decide that tact
Is not required.

Open book
**** the consequences
As you will only feel them
If you choose to.

I'm gonna marry her
You're gonna have a step Mum
There is this new family
That is keen to meet you.

You don't have to choose
You can have both
And why wouldn't you decide
Both sides?

When ever you're ready
I'm ready.

This spare room
Is yours.

She's younger than me maybe
She likes me, no conditions apply
I fall deep and stay deep
When I see her smile from her eyes.
Shes been through the ringer
A life many would've given up
But she pushed through, maybe for her kids
Maybe for the hope of true love.
I've made promises I intend to keep
A life we've chosen to live
I will love and adore, cherish and more
Than I ever will or have done before.
There are complications to endure
Issues to sift and sort
Movements to make, risks to take
And furniture to be bought.

Fuckn bring it.

I have made an ode to be the man
She has needed, never to forget
To share a life one hundred percent
And bring home the milk and bread.

Ive been here 3 weeks
And this pain in my head
Wont cease

I eat ok
And the drinking has slowed
Perhaps this pressure
Is due to work load

I awake at 5
I must sleep at 9
In order to get
The sleep I require

To awake at 5.

My kids don't miss me
My ex fukn hates me
Or maybe she doesn't
It's hard to tell...

My new love is all I have
We have plans I intend to keep
She is the first thing I think of
And the last before I go to sleep.

When I get home
I sit in my empty house
With nothing to do
For 2 days.

I sleep on the plane
I eat at the pub
I eat in my office
I eat in my car.

I have all this money
But no time
For love
Or life.

This is not living
This is an existence.

The buzz of the front bar
Ignites the senses
I am here
For the noise and movement.

This pain in my head
Still wont cease
And I've only been here
For 3 weeks.

Found love
There she is
On the other side
Of my phone

Screen shots
Texts and snaps
Messenger messages
Phone calls and face time

She is so far
Or is it me?

I will marry her
As, she is my queen
And I cannot be king
Without her

This torrid affair
Was not our intent
The heart wants
What the heart wants

Regardless

The pieces fit
So perfectly snug
Til when, til whenever
This is love.

Red light.

Breathe broken breaths
Clench tighter than before
Blink twice, just to hold back
Nuisance tears.

Disconnect eye contact
Take the deep breath slowly
To deter detection
Of the emptiness within.

Missed calls
Unanswered texts
Notifications mount
Too much for the weak angels.

Responsibility wolves
Gnashing their jowls
Drooling their expectation
Dog food breath on the back of neck.

Tiny frame tightening
Plastic teeth clenched
Eyes, now as bitter slits
Crumpled paper expression...

Green light,

Foot down.

Alone we sit, in stillness
On my shoulders you rest your weight
My sweet sorrow, my bitter tears
Endure this present state.

We talk of pasts and futures
Of nows and thens and ifs
Me mumble and stammer
But understand every word.

You cure my ills with confidence
Caress my soul with your aches
I commit to now and every day forward
Until the bow it breaks.

As days surpass into eves
I yearn for your warmth, your glow
As chaos decides which path to ****
Hold hands tight, my sweet sorrow.

I used to be ten
I had my first kiss then
Then I blinked
And I was forty.

I remembered her
But we drifted away
She remembered me
From so far away.

We lived our own lives
Trauma, pain and angst
Breaking and rebuilding
Finding our way.

We fell in love with others
We started our own families
But somewhere, out there
She still breathed and thought of me.

As fate would have it
I kissed her again
Sometime in July.

As destiny would have it
I loved her again
Sometime in August.

As my choices would have it
A decision is made
In my hearts mind
I'm hers, she's mine.

Christmas lights are tangled
This may take a while
I may need silence
I may need space

It's all too much sometimes.

To the furthest point
Deep in the cave
You'll find me
Untangling lights

She comes hunting
Venturing, cautious
Torch lit, tread carefully
I'm back there somewhere

As the light piercers the darkness
I am crounched, head down
Lights entwined and draped
Look up in fear and curiosity

I see her

She understands

She grabs a bunch of cable

And she helps with the unravelling.

The sobs can be heard
From the entrance
The beautiful pain
We share and heal together.

We'll have tinsel this year.

From what everything once was,
To what everything is now.

Prickles from baby plant talons,
Paper cuts with a hint of sting
Under skin, now paper thin,
ESP now inevitably seen.
Warmth from lost souls,
Misery loves company,
They always have to leave,
Collectable core memories.

Electricity and water
Lessen the resistivity,
Flow over scars as tar feathered,
Healing as they go,
As they glow.
Stalemate black and white affection,
Gloves off, butterfly acceptance,
Just let it bee...
Naked flame of you and me.

Calm water mirror reflections,
No stones thrown today,
Ripples stay in past skims of stones
In other streams, perhaps dreams.
For the now, in this small present,
Give cheese to the skies,
Relect from far away clouds and stars
To reserved hearts.

From what everything is now,
To what everything will be.

Rose coloured eyes
From across the room
Fate not yet
But soon

Our time is coming

You diamond
I'll see you later

Chauffeured home
Bodies alone

Our time is coming

(B)
Collecting memories
Of us and you and me
Open skies and gestured eyes
Every day and all the nights

Our time is here.

She talks a lot
And sometimes, not at all
She is always tired
But finds it hard to sleep
She has the weight of the world
On her little shoulders
And scars from decisions
She made in her youth.

She has a torrid past
Vague and complicated
Scared of going out alone
Because the world is a scary place
She has been used
She has been abused
Broken, distorted
And treated as a fool.

This dark haired fragile angel
Is my world
Her strength gives me strength
And I give her mine
We have allowed eachother
To finally exhale
After so many years
Of holding our breath.

She is not perfect
But, to me, she is
She makes me feel again
Like art should.

Found you
I wont let go
This dream
Shared by two
You got me
And, I want you to
Get me
As you do.

The only light
In this dark
The only truth
I want to hear.
Early days
But it feels like decades
And I wouldn't change
A thing.

In her
I see
Myself
As me

In me
I see
Her
Eternally

I found her
As she found me
Her beautiful soul
And perspective beauty
She got me
And I wouldn't have it
Any
Other
Way

Sundee
Lazy arv
Everything
In its right place

Make the time
To help future me
Do it now
Later is too late

Keep moving
Organise small futures
Tiny goals
Baby fireworks wins

Pub for dinner
Alone.

Take the time
To get dressed up
To smell delectable
Even though I'm on my own.

Be nice
Smile and listen
Retort in my own way
To incite thought and emotion.

Eat my *******
In the dining room
With families and friends
On my own, table 46.

Cheers, hoo roo.

Take the bins out
Calm the lounge fire
Prep work clothes for tomorrow
Curl up in the silence.

Lazy eve
Sundee.

The storm is calming finally
To a calm exhale breeze
There was times
I had dust
In my eyes
But now
The well is full (both of them)
And, I am
Content and safe.

Lightening, horizon bound
As I've found
This twisted reflection
Smiles back.

The pain is always temporary
You too, will look back
And smile your beautiful smile
The beautiful inside smile you always hide.

As a human, hunting happiness
And finding it,
It is my duty
To hope you find yours.

I believe in you
Good luck.

I saw her, for the first time
On the other side of the glass
Patiently, I sat crossed legged
To feel the first embrace

The touch of her skin
The feel of the kiss on her face
I waited there
Fireworks within

I held her close and tight
Her scent of strawberry and sweets
As she wrapped her arms around me
I felt as I was home and safe

Hometown pains and wonders
Photos of postcodes
The proudest chauffeur
Holding hands at 110

Admitting our faults
Our horrible histories
Our defects and additions
To our now naked bodies

Endless banter, factual and humour
Bouncing off of walls and eachother
Beers and ***** and pizza
We talked as if weve known eachother forever
Falling asleep naked
In the middle of the day
Eggs Benedict and pear cider
Come in, we're awesome

Hot tubs and expensive reds
Fruchocs, dark chocolate with mint
Dressed to the nines
Is where I made her mine

No TV, just music and squeezes
Sensual ******* passions
Climbed trees in the rain
Tested beds in showrooms
Spilled drinks and kicked over *** plants
Sang songs of our playlist
And her kiss
Was that of an angel I once knew

I will not defer
It is all for her
I will cherish this twin flame
Under the same star
No matter how far away we are.

I have never had a memory so pure
So I am sure
That she is mine
And I am hers

X

Just before
We were saying good morning
Sharing meals
Laughing at jokes we made

Just before
We had our own language
Her stories took ages to tell
I still listened

Just before
She held me goodbye
Longer than usual
Marshmallows by fires

Just before
She wrapped her legs
Around mine and smiled
Just passing time

Waiting for Mum
To pick her up.

Nerves rattle
Like an old fridge
Shudder and spasm
**** water from beneathe.

Concentration evades
Yet I am see-through
Crumpled cellophane
In a ****** church window.

You know all of me
Better than I.

All these edges
Cigs, ****, ****, love
I have become
A square.

Every vice
Is crushing my soul.

Tensions build
Erupt on the inside
I crush up my fists
Like paper cups.

Conclusion a distant illusion
Salted with confusion
I asked for well done
Only ever get blue

It must get worse
Before it gets beautiful.

3 kids and a dog
20 years of pleasure and pain
I look up from my hole
Which took 20 years to excavate
Happiness is fleeting
Demons I've been feeding
Have gorged on the pains
A banquet of self hate.

I apologize for the lack of love
For the self isolation
For the dishonesty
And no communication
It doesn't matter now
I can't un-say what I've said
Nor undo what I've done
This love is dead

She allows me to stay
To sleep on the couch
To be a ghost of a man
Still visible
I hunt for a house
A place just to sleep
3 kids and a dog
Just a fading memory.

I want it all
Yet nothing at all
I want to reach the highest peak
And fall
All at once
Yet not even a taste
I want to be left alone
In your warm embrace.

If you let me
I will show you
Who we can be
Together
I will show you love
And give you my all
If you catch me
After this fall.

These buckled knees
These broken dreams
This rusted cage
Around my heart
This tiny frame
This twisted brain
Unbeknownst to me
Was yours from the start.

I never knew
How I was able to feel
Until I felt something
For you
I cannot wait
Nor resist
To lose myself
In your touch and your kiss.

Just let me sleep
To heal my hurts
To muffle the demons
Screaming within,
Just let me sleep
To recharge my core
To refocus my mind
To forgive my sins.

It doesnt matter
That my eyes are open
Just let me sleep.

Caught in a web
Woven by me.

She loves me
I dont.

She loves me
I do.

Silly backwards fish.

Collect pros and cons
It will hurt either way
Cant quite remember
A single word said.

Think with heart
Think with head
These dreams
Engulf all.

It doesn't matter
This life
Is predestined
As is yours.

This web will age
Its adherence will slack
Freedom will be found
If only temporary.

Been swimmin in gutters
Finding the darkest corners
To crawl toward

In the silence
The screams are louder
And the breaths
Seem deeper

Reaching out
To pedestrians
Watching the different colour socks
Walk past

Not dead
Just dying
Drownin
In gutters

As a husk
As my heart
Is elsewhere
I swear

As a ghost
As my flesh
Is elsewhere
I swear

Existing
Hardly here
And it will hurt
When I disappear

As a husk
As a ghost.

From everyday, endless and boundless,
To nothing.

I chose this.

It kills me,
To be unable to love
Her.

I wait, for a sign
But, she has so much respect
And so do I.

I want to reconnect
But the flame will reignite
And we will get burnt.

Maybe, it's not our time
Maybe, our time is to come
Maybe we missed our chance.

Maybe, it was my big fat stupid fault.

Trapped by my own decisions
To do the "right" thing
I will break every heart I love
If I manifest this.

I am unsure
What hurts more
The fact I can't love her
Or the silence.

I chose this.

One day you'll understand
Why I am the way I am
How I came to be this man
One day you'll understand.

Dad comes home and cooks our tea
Still in his work clothes
He stinks of effort
Cigarettes and beer

He doesn't kiss Mum anymore
He doesn't eat with us anymore
He does the dishes
And he sings to himself

Then he just disappears
Out to his shed
We see him, from the house
Sitting and smoking and drinking.

I hear them from here
The arguments and the laughter
The conversation and cursing
I hear them from here

This poor loveless man
Perched alone in his shed
Fighting demons on his own
Fighting demons in his head.

We say goodnight from the back door
We just yell it out
He screams back that he loves us
And to sleep well

He doesn't know of our problems
He doesn't care for our pain
He is the ghost that covers all the bills
He is a broken man, my Dad.

I wish I had the strength
To be what they require
But, the love is gone
And so have I.

One day you'll understand
How I came to be this man
One day you'll understand
Why I am the way I am.

Me lad.
He's 14.
And, hes been in ****
At school.

Now, we have his back
And all that.
He's my boy
Me lad.

It has come to light
At such recent time
That his forgery skills
Have been paying his bills
To freedom.

"Uncle Matt"
Has a note for you teacher.

You must do
What Uncle Matt wrote.

As per Uncle Matts last note,
Here is another,
Signed...

Uncle Matt.

The signature said
Uncle (fukn) Matt.

They accepted this
And off he went
To where ever he desired...

Good ol Uncle Matt.

Me lad,
He's 14.
And he's playing the fools
For the fools they are.

We had a meeting.

Me, the missus and me lad,
It didn't turn out too bad
But, then it did
And we had to take a step back.

Me ol mate.
Me lad.
He's got demons in his head,
That I can't slay...

Cos he's in his room most of the time,
Figuring out his identity.

So, from outside looking in,
I just let him breathe...

Cos he's me lad
An I'm his Dad.

This write
Is about you.

You're still young
You have time
We all see the strength
In the lightening from your eyes.

Life is a fickle arrangement of sweets
Sometimes you gotta eat the licorice.

This love in your heart
Combined with
Those things you didn't say
This is not how it has to be.

Don't mix your thought
With feeling
It will leave you unsure
Follow your heart OR your head.

People love you
Our circles are small
But the love we project
Embraces us all.

I fuckn believe in you
So dig fukn deep

Find the light which defines who you are
You've got this.

I hear him through passing
Cries of a teenage boy
I barge in to find him
Slumped over his bed, phone in hand
Hunched in the position
Of a deeply engrossed Android user
Tears and snot drip from his face
I take a knee, and adorn my embrace.

It doesn't matter why
It doesn't matter who
Not to me
My only concern is his sadness.

Social ******* media
Is a poison.

I never had it as a kid
So, it's a hard one to relate to.

To him, I am just a lame old man
Past his prime, no one wants to hear.

To me, he is how I used to be
When I was 14...

But that doesn't matter to the 14.

And it wont matter, perhaps until the 20s.

I sit out the back, in the shed, and write this
While he, questions his place and his sanity
My lil man, my boy, my son
Cope as you will...

Dinner will be ready soon.

Words that pass my lips
Spoken from the reverberations
That my throat makes
For some reason.





Converse with another mechanism
From within my mechanism
My comfortable prison
Close eyelids to pull the blinds

We are all ****** up
In our own lil cute way
And I pull the levers
To act the socially acceptable way

But, the other day
I pressed a button
Perhaps, I shouldn't have
But, I did

It has triggered proximity switches
24volt control
Fed through inverters and now
There ain't no brakes

Not with this plc installation
Outputs all closed...

**** it.

This isn't a real job
The lines are crossed and confused
Scope of works sometimes so vague
It shortens my poor bosses fuse.

When the job's on, the job's fukn on
We sweat bullets, amongst all the banter
Beers at the yard, lines off of tynes
And doobies to trigger the laughter.

We travel to places, serene and surreal
But also, vile, uninhabitable and ****
Our cars get a flogging, as do our livers
I don't really know, I just rocked up here.

We have seen many leave and given the flick
Jobs so *******, we didn't give a ****
Just do as we're told, take the money and fold
That's what I like about you, **** all.

Rub shoulders with corporate
Just play the fukn game
Remember old mate? What's his fukn name?
Yeah, he got fired, carry on old mate.

So we, the remaining few, represent the crew
Getting kicked out of a pub, maybe two
Sky fireworks, twerking locals and trannies
Mugs away, closest to bulls, play for serves.

As we encounter and share more scenarios
Breathe the ******* out and the good times in
Seeya on Mondee ya pregnant bitumen ****
If not, I'll see ya in the bottom of the bin.