when she falls
into herself

she can’t sleep
she can’t wake

all the cycles end
she is alone

I am alone
we are alone

I feel the earth
lose its strength

and I know
it is bigger

than me when

her tears break
even god’s heart

a boy
can’t say

she feels
safe

almost
asleep

almost
in my arms

a boy
can’t say

a secret
escapes
her lips

her whisper
is a cage

I taste
salt

I will
preserve
this

this will
preserve
me

a boy
can’t say

roses are
red

crushes
are blue

the smell
of sweat

lingers

like a
panther

extinguishing
light

penetrating
night

another
victim­

succumbs
to desire

the deadly
sweet

the ever
lasting

there are
no drugs

strong as
this addiction

she said hold
my hand and jump
it only stings a little
fall with me
into another land
where everyone floats
and changes shapes
we can see whatever we want
trust me
there is no bottom
there is only forever and
we can discover it together
she always knew more than me
so I followed

early morning

rain is not falling
but I stay inside

take a long shower
and imagine I am

falling forming
drops not flakes

in the middle
we are all the same

one step from
what came before

one step from
what comes after

I do not dry myself
letting the air

absorb me
pull me into

the cycle that
creates rain

the one we learned
about in middle school

what came before
is part of what is

and what is will be
part of what comes

he was cold
the kind that gets
deep inside your body
only you know it’s there
a slight sensation
of emptiness that
starts to grow like
something is slowly
removing you
from yourself
you start to shake
you can’t seem to
stop yourself
nothing gives you warmth
still no one notices
his presence
but you
and you can’t
explain him to anyone
and he won’t
leave you alone
or maybe he did

I caught you
waiting

the room
was mystical

diseased spirits
haunting

it was never
quiet

or still

everyone moved
but got nowhere

the girl
with no bones

collapsed on
the floor

no one helped
her

so she slept

the people in
masks

danced in the
corners

making sure

not to touch
each other

the babies in
the bellies

tried to remain
in place
they checked on us
but never checked

us in so

we all waited
past dawn and

while time passed

the dates on
our bracelets

never changed

I do not love
like the angels

where everything
is white

and we all
have wings

to escape
when things

go bad

I do not live
in the sterile

world where
everyone is clean

and pain takes
her pills

to sleep soundly

I live on the
outside where

lines are always
crossed

and the picture
is never quite

complete

found myself in
a dream

lost myself in
a thought

we are signals
messages

communicating
chemicals

learning to cooperate

we are formed
in liquid

a puddle of
nutrients
feeding us

giving us shape
and substance

at some point
we become
something

that can
be grasped

and named

and if we survive
we become

the beginning
of something

bigger

I missed you yesterday
something soft was missing

the air changed its formula

the room was not as vulnerable
the room was not as breakable

there was not the gentleness

of yellow butterflies flying
to their quiet death

there was not the gentleness

of ***** dandelions spreading
from a quiet breath

I missed you yesterday
something soft was missing

watching you curl yourself
into a medicine ball
in the chair with two arms

squeezing your inches
together tightly

looking like you either
want to swallow yourself

or are preparing to be swallowed
by something else

even to you
I lie a little

hold something
back

I need something
to protect me

you probably
sense it

you’ve probably
heard it all before

and still you
forgive me

give me your
blessing

so I can feel
forgiven

thanks mom

I asked her
everyday

to make me want

I just know I
can get

everything I want

but I lost
my want

so I don’t
get anything

pulled her
from peace

to a place
of violence

she served
her time

faithfully

and gave
her life

honorably

but it wasn’t
enough for them

they couldn’t
live without her

convinced they
were doing good

for her

instead they
brought her back

for them
and broke her heart

I

This long, dark winter night
extends her reach around me
and pulls me into her
whispering her clichés
into my ears
and I am enthralled;
frozen by my utter belief in her;
as if there is no other way.

II

The front window of my apartment,
like a spiritually starved man,
does not quite fit its frame
leaving space for
a cold breeze to sneak in
and rob the room of warmth.

The broken heater is a small dog
barking incessantly.

III

They say every snowflake is unique
but piled one on top of the
other and all of them
on top of me
they carry
the same
significant weight.

another night.  another dream.  of being lost.  in a building.  some building.  in some land.  a building.  that seems.  to contain the world.  we are (whoever we are) moving.  from one place.  to another.  in the building.  people are living.  working.  and playing.  in this building.

we are lost.  in that.  we don’t know. where we are.  or where we are going.  but we don’t feel.  lost.  in the sense.  of not belonging.  to this place.  and want to leave.  

we are lost.  in a way.  that we enjoy.  the random search.  the atomistic movement.  the momentary discovery.  of something.  we can’t name.  and then quickly.  moving to something else.

I’m sorry
trump family

I live in a
democracy

I do not need
an enemy

another side
is like a coin

which does
not exist

without
another side

conflict is
the path to

truth

we are all
simple
creatures

with biased
beliefs

needing to be
challenged

to understand
ourselves

they congregate
close to each other

on the top of
a building

citizens or
soldiers

black winged birds
pulled together

by a force I
don’t understand

they stay there
all night

whispering to
each other

in their huddle

and

in the morning
I wake to their

loud conversations
and watch them go

their separate ways
not knowing if

they settled anything

the orange man
had a wish

he spoke words
he wanted others

to wish with him
if we all just believe

it will come true

we will wake up
in 15 days

and everything will
be great again

at first she
sang in a church

the sound she
created was

of a prayer

a wanting for
something more

but she was
a creator herself

and her voice
was leading a

revolution for
the longing

like me to
listen to her

and pray

taste in the
deepest place

at the source
the impulse

that spreads
into every cell

there is no
resistance

there is no
desire to resist

more than in you
I am part of you

deeper than
blood and breath

I am inside

the program that
controls blood

and breath

there is no you
there is no me

there is only us

an incessant itch
in my brain

it can smell
it can taste
it can touch

it sends signals
down my spine

extends itself
everywhere

it is looking for
something but

it can’t tell me what

it has a voice but
it has no words

it just grows and
takes over

everything until
it is satiated

but I don’t know
what it wants

so I try everything

We were at the same place, on the very same night.

When we bumped into each other she blamed it on the faulty lighting.
I should have known better, it was more like a brush than a bounce, a lingering brush, that titillated not irritated.

I can laugh now, the crazy, crazy glue, she was.

The burning bulbs flickered ghostly shadows against the hallway walls.  Hallway, now that’s funny, the club itself was nothing more than a hallway.  They were portending, ghostly shadows, pretending to dance.  The lead singer of the band was a screamer who made better love to his microphone than I ever made to a girl.  It was a hot night, shirts were more like skin; even the shadows sweat profusely.  

I left her just for a moment…to find an empty stall.

Redundant fluorescent letters covered the bathroom walls, “Red only plays with the darkest knights, Red only plays with the darkest knights, Red only plays with the darkest knights.”

I waded through the waves of wanton youth to her still body.  The night only started when she leaned into me and said, “Whisper something sinister.”

Her voice filled my body, filled my body with thrilling chills of anticipation, but only for a moment.  And I would do anything to get that moment back, but when it’s gone.

It is gone.

And no one remembers what came after.

life is messier
than birth

belly buttons
are only the

first scars
and no one

is afraid to
show them

there are many
more cords

that get cut and
in much nastier

ways

leaving marks
on our bodies

minds and souls
some heal

while others are
infected open

wounds we
try to hide

we walk at night.  street lights.  and knuckle fights.  blood splatters.  and nothing matters.  we keep our distance.  from the educated.  from the edified.  we are calcified.  parts.  of other civilizations.  the leftovers.  the artifacts.  addicts of the past.  not memories.  you want to forget us.  you want us to forget.  we are bugs.  that itch.  you don’t scratch.  for fear.  of what it is.  of what it says.  about you.

we disappear.  and you think.  we are gone.  but you know.  better.  so enjoy these.  few moments.  of calm.  

the night is long.

the grass is tall.
around this tree.

with its thick trunk.
and hungry roots.

with its confused branches.
competing for space.

we lay out our blanket.

spread cheese on crackers.
drink wine and other spirits.

we feel the conflict of love.

the month and more.
of separation.

the feeling of difference.
and change.

the feeling of hope.
and regret.

we rub our naked.
limbs together.  

trying to make.  
the sound a cricket.

makes.

the moment a belief dies suddenly
a foundation
of your structure collapses
something you held tightly
and defended fiercely disappears
it was one of those nights
the day was emotional
and I was by myself
buried in blankets
trying to create warmth
and comfort
something to hold onto
my mind was crushing itself
tearing like paper
into so many pieces
becoming confetti
I could not digest anything
the words would not stay down
I was learning to speak
a new language
that I did not understand

the wait for
an opening

seems like
we died

and this is
eternity

the city cries
it is so lonely

it could handle
the weight of

hustle and bustle

but it is feeling
crushed by all

this wait

the light at the end
flames at the beginning

banging stars together
creating chaos

the fire starter owned
the first world

containing chemicals
controlling reactions

weaving a tapestry
that became life

and then releasing
the creation

to bang against itself
creating chaos

waiting for the owner
of the second world

long before
me she

settled for you

so when I
arrived I

already didn’t
belong

to anyone

the first girl
was a mystic

a gust of wind
a thunder clap

her hair was black
her heart was open

she asked me
to religion

we crossed
our arms

and prayed
to our past

the mothers and
fathers of our

fathers and mothers

asking forgiveness
for what was to come

she never told me
she was made of glass

if I had known

I would have never let
her slip through

my fingers

nosing into
everything

eyes wide

searching
behind every
crack and
crevice

finding the
dirt

hidden
for years

whiskers
twitch

antennae
hearing
starlight

messages
from the past

and I realize

there is not
enough
deep in me
to bury

everything

I live
in the dark

a panther and
a pounce

with sharp teeth
and the taste

of fresh meat
I want you

to bleed

I am shaped
like you

I speak like you
I want to be you

but I am not
alive because

I cannot die
so I

cannot be
with you

so I

live in the dark
and wait for you

to come

he drank to
disinfect his soul

he felt corrupt
hearing voices

from the past
generations of

drink calling
to him

zombies on
the same path

dead before
they were alive

killing the spirit
of all who

loved them

I held the
words she spoke

paper flowers

pressed into
the palm
of my
right hand

and then
I heard
her speak
two words
describing
these
paper flowers

so prettily

describing
how
they bloomed

and I
held
those two
words

so prettily

next to
the paper
flowers

and I imagined
tulips

two red lips

and her
words

so prettily

became
flames
in my brain

so that
when
I breathed
into my
palm

the paper
flowers
turned to
ash

and

so prettily

I placed
them
into my
pants
pocket

to save
them

hoping
that she
could
speak
those words
again

so prettily

through
her two
red
lips

giving
life
back
to those
paper
flowers

and those
tulips

would rise
again

and press
against the
palm of my
right hand

so prettily

I don’t see it
but something

must be wrong
with me

I am

a leaking pen
leaving dark spots

everywhere I go

in the dark room

the wordless
music repeats

a beat incessantly

it enters my body
I feel it like a heart

I move in a circle
I dance in a trance

you enter the room
we stare at our forms

as if shadows

you are one
of those girls

blessed and cursed

with

big soulful eyes
that can scream

and whisper in
the same breath

we do not speak
words have not

yet been invented

there is so
much hope

in the strength of
pointed toes

the movement
of nature

so pure

as it prepares
itself for

a spring
toward the sky

she bends herself
into new shapes

and then leaps
freeing the

energy of the sun

turning nature
into art

let him dip you
don’t worry

he will not drop you
he is not evil

he is lost and
looking for a home

he is the other
side of human

like the dark side
of the moon

don’t be sacred of
what you can’t see

remember the moon
is whole

because it has
two sides

I was raised
in a wild field

where colors clash
and everything grows

rain floods and
no one drowns

bees feed sting
and die

to be reborn every spring

weeds are beautiful
and grass is free

we live every day
we are alive

we are bounded only

by both stages
of the dandelion

bright sunshine
and silver dust

blowing free
in the wind

to land and
grow in another

wild field

pale blue eyes
I can see

through you

to the bottom
where you

really live

your white skin
is paper thin

appearing
fragile

but I know
you are

stronger than
that

you have been
broken beyond

any bones
and survived

you have
dandelion’s

breath

spreading life
wherever

you land

we bit the apple
it was juicy

we let it drip
all over us

licking up
every drop

on that day

everything
came alive

in us and
around us

on that day

everything alive
could die

that day

was the
first day

we wanted
to live

I know I belong
to those with

a life in which
dark came early

and light was
at best a shooting

star

appearing suddenly
then fading back

into the dark
slowly

so you can
imagine you

still see the
pieces of light

and you hold
onto those pieces

as long as you can

go ahead

shove your
fingers deep

into my heart
feel my first scar

the moon is full

the stars are
singing a
rock anthem

the earth is
deep and dark

and I am changing
so fast

surviving
everything

I taste thunder
on my lips

I spit lightning
from my eyes

nothing is
bigger than me

I outlive everything

you paint
beyond your

place and
time

reaching into
souls you will

never meet
making us see

more than ourselves
more in ourselves

is that what
it means to

be eternal

she called me
soft names
like the first name

like a dove
whispering love
songs

and I was
an angel
with unbreakable
wings

until
she left me

and I slowly
lost my little
mind

I fell to earth
with a thud
it was not far

to fall

but it felt
like a new
planet

a dry planet
without flowers

jump
jump
jump

they scream

jump

I am on
the edge

with weak
knees

and no
words
on my
tongue

I cannot
feel my
skin

the heat
is melting
me

and I
want
to faint

and fall

so it
will
appear

that I
jumped

maybe I
will hit
my head

on the way
down

and bleed
out

and sink

so I don’t
have to

lose face

our go to
position

the place
we start

everyday

or the place
we go

to start over

so long ago
I was simple

I trusted

when I had
no reason

I knew darkness
almost from

the beginning

but I didn’t
begin there

everyday

I was soft
and open

I had scars
but they were

beautiful like
tattoos

not painful
to every touch

I need to reset
my default position

life is honest
it has no layers

nothing to peel through
nothing to analyze

it just is

we create all our
confusion and chaos

and give it to each other
creating layers of

languages

a virus
a dis-ease

we need all this mess
to be human

and so

once again I ask
you who is more

human than me