when I was young

I had

those little things
inside me

a billion
magical sprites
dancing

igniting sparks off
each other

creating other
magical

creatures

connecting to
each other

creating one
big magical
creature

and I thought
if I thought

hard enough

I would explode
and become

a star

I

she is no one
she is someone

all of she is one

one of she is
everyone

II

I try to understand her
through her words

I try to understand
through her words

she is not just her to me
she is me to me

something about me to me

I try to understand me
through her words

III

she speaks but
she does not speak to me

she speaks into a circle
where everything

eventually comes
back to her

IV

she has a mind that
overworks

she has a heart that
overfeels

she has a soul
that overdies

she has nine lives
that never change

V

I want to be a word
something that can be defined

something that has a meaning

I enter the collective
without a soul
it was missing
since early childhood
when neglect
blew out the
first light
and it was
never replaced
the collective
promises to
replace it with
something living
beyond the voices
in my head with
something living
beyond the stars
in the sky
it only asks that
I give up questions
I give up thought
I give up doubt
and I tried but
in the end it
was too much
to ask for
sometimes I
wonder if I
made the right
choice

a community
of soft white

extensions of
the earth

gifts for
the eyes

and the nose
maybe the

tongue

a mixture of
ingredients

water
seed
soil
light

who owns
the recipe

I don’t want
to know

They woke me when I was still
dreaming.  

I have about three months of sanity left in me; I don’t think it will be enough to carry me to the end.

I can feel myself fading in and out.  Images (more like flashes of images) I can’t explain appear then disappear just as quickly.  They seem to be set to a timer.

The slightest, most sudden, sounds become as a cross-fire inside my shell; like bullets pinging off of my plastic helmet.  

The front lines were never meant for men like me.  They say I am weak and fragile; a feeble man.  I am yelled at frequently.  

They do not understand, I can not allow things that enter me to just pass through me.  I hold them tightly; it is more like I am inside of them than they are inside of me.

They were born armadillos; protected by their inner armor.

I was born a jelly fish; found far from the water of my birth.

I look up at the star-like creatures fading in and out of the dark matter and I realize there is no logical defense against the senseless.

remember those
two times I smiled

once in the morning
when we found

that sunflower
filled with seeds

once late at night
when we found

that wild field
filled with fireflies

mostly I feel
too many things

to feel anything

sometimes I feel
a lot of one thing

then I smile

his soul breaks.
each night he sings.
we **** and slurp.
his soul like soup.
thick and salty.
we live for days.
off his life.

dreams breathe
without air

focus is low
energy flows
there is no
stopping now

I paint her naked nails
with red flowers

tulips

asking questions
of power

stirring things up
making others

answer for actions

not saying what is
right or wrong

that is for others
to decide

just asking the questions

because honesty has
straight answers

it is clear water

it cannot be shaken
or stirred

I am living alone
in the outpost
standing watch

hearing the hungry
creatures plotting

over who
gets the taste
of flesh
and who gets
the bones

the distance
from all sides
is white

infinity takes
no sides

I feel this pressing down on me
the expanding weight of
ghosts and shadows

write me a letter maybe two

o  k

tell me
a story about
the other side

tell me there is always
another side

I think I still need
your permission
to be happy

it was a month ago
I saw you

face to face

the day you ate
a cheesesteak

with onions

I remember
your breath

time doesn’t fly
but it does progress

memories fade
but they don’t
disappear

I hope

I am alone
in this house

and the walls
haven’t moved

yet

I am not hearing
voices not even

my own

maybe I should
get a pet

after we expel
all the words

silence settles nothing

leftover feelings
are piranhas

each one too small
to matter

but together they
devour all that matters

last night

there was not
enough blankets

you didn’t take them
I just felt colder

than usual

I countdown time with

the astronauts,

in seconds

not in years.

We’ve visited

eternity

and returned

with stories

of foreign creatures

and unseen colors

and blackest

nights.

I haVen’t given you

much thought lately.

You’ve been more than

a day away from

my veins.

We’re attached to our machines,

the astronauts and I.

They won’t let us

float in space

anymore.

almost the
perfect word

nothing is perfect
it conjures

innocence and
freedom in me

a time before
questions and

answers and
words were

for playing

when gardens
were free

and full of
birds and bees

and beautiful weeds

I am not real

I have learned
the secrets of
the slinky

the chameleon
blends into
each and every
situation

wanting nothing
but survival
nothing but
another day

the chameleon
has a name
but in the moment

you cannot see it
you cannot hear it
you cannot remember it

I have learned
the secrets of
the ghost

how to say yes
and disappear

I think these are
the most important
words for this world

at the center of
every soul is

this seed
the need

to forgive
and be forgiven

please open it
and let it grow

let it spread
let it be a virus
let it be a ****

anything that spreads
easily into others

and across the world

there is no
perfection

there is
trying and

learning
changing

to adapt
to truth

the reality
we all face

if we are
honest

with
ourselves

the tall grass

in the wild field
was filled with

tiny stars
creating a

dance of light
and singers

creating sounds
with their legs

it was a free
performance

as long as I
kept quiet

which was
fine because

I had nothing
to add

her words
are needles

understanding
pressure

points
she can

give or
release pain

excruciating
or ecstasy

I am at
her mercy

water laced
with lavender

warm as a teacup

flames flicker
the only light

her favorite
glass is drunk

she sinks slowly
as the day ends

it is her time
to disappear

to be clever
to make god laugh

and tell me I
never thought

of that

but making
you laugh

is enough
for now

we met each other

in an age
of distance

our hearts leaped

and our limbs were
made of dreams

thin but strong
we did not resist

the wind or
the times

we extended
ourselves

as far as we
were allowed

and shadow
danced

our first dance
waiting for the

wind or the times
to change

we must pull it together

these disparate pieces
of human civilization
we are humans

a species

but mostly we are
left-overs – left-out
of the actual race

search the memory of an angel
or the memory of the earth

for what was
long before what is

search deep inside of what is
for the seeds of what was

those vast empires of human energy
the knowledge of human life
when it was still young but
advancing in rapids

oh, the humanity
the beginning of
humanity

what is history?
who defines history?

and what is definition anyway?
but creating...boundaries

the captured
the contained
the caged
the constrained

so who defines us?

and the big question
the only question that matters

when will [us] ever be a big
enough word to contain everyone?

we never
asked for

each other
we each

prayed for
another type

this was
never meant

to be (in
some grand
scheme)

but it wouldn’t stop

no one
can resist

the pull of
the opposite

pole of a magnet

I asked her
where she
was going

I asked her
where she
was from

if we are open

each day is
a new world

nothing is
predictable

everything is
discoverable

waiting for
our experiments

to tease out
their little secrets

that make us
giggle with

surprise

if we are
not careful

we close our minds

so we only
see what

we saw

I’m just trying
to see if it fits

the experience
the experiment
the expression

each day
trying to paint
with simple
words

there are only
a few colors

but infinite
combinations

to create

an experience
an experiment
an expression

an explanation
for what I do

she could
fold herself

become a box
with a lock

and swallow
the key

so no one
could access

her secrets
she was scared

what would
happen if

they got out
I wasn’t afraid

but the risk
was too great

for her to trust me

I dream of a desert
the cold nights

when life hides
and death is

exposed as needy
pleading for

satisfaction

the history of
christianity

is buried in a desert

the memory of
the night death

was found wanting

the super
model

modeling life
as it passes

grasping
not in desperation

but in aspiration
for what can be

for us all

she is always
honest

with us

as she searches
for herself

who could want
to be more

super than that

you said

the stars are silent
tonight

each one knows
it might fall

but they come
out anyway

maybe they talk
to each other

in their language
or maybe they don’t

you said I was
silent tonight

but I came out
anyway

and then you
held my hand

ubiquitous

I feel like
the robot is

always looking over

my shoulder
trying to learn

my job
I say

you don’t have
to hide

I am always
happy to share

my knowledge
with anyone

I close my eyes
and move inside

wake up my senses
touching every nerve

feel them connect
to each other

intimacy

the beauty of
their simple language

they can’t see the
bigger picture

how they are
connected

to everything

they wouldn’t
care anyway

it is only the
closeness they crave

intimacy

I have always
had an uneasy

relationship
with you

knowing I
needed you

but not wanting
to know that

when I didn’t
have you

I wanted you

when I had you
I didn’t want you

shadows are
happy when

we dance
they are

no longer
foreboding

specters of
what follows us

but dreams of
what we can be

when we let
ourselves dance

we were outside children
playing in the rain

leaving the house early
returning late

no one was watching us
no one checked on us

friends were people
you touched (and punched)

we learned from each other
making our own mistakes

some of us survived
and some of us didn’t

but that was life

I like to think
even if we had

personal phones and
personal computers

we still would have been
outside children

playing in the rain

but I may be naïve
to think so

I can see in the dark
I can see without light

an old gray shadow
shaped like me
follows me
as I walk
through the night

he dances around me
teasing me like a
cool breeze against my skin

he whispers in my ears
almost singing to me

something about a
black cat and a crossed path

I was a boy once
with a future

but the shadow was
born before me

given to me as
my birthright

so there was always this great
distance in me

a vacancy

I stop walking for a moment
look up into an empty sky

and I think the other side
of the earth moon is vacant

and I think
I could live there

I still have that dream where

one morning I will wake
the shadow will have died
sometime during the night

there will be a sun in the sky
and I will think a happy thought

I watch her dance

her movement
is singular
she trained
every cell to be
in synch
it is communication
in its purest form
internally and
externally

I understand
something about

eternity when

I watch her dance

he is not
a country

no one is

no matter
what they

tell you

we are
people

real people
mixing with

real people
with real

needs and
desires

that is a
country

we can
disagree

with each
other and

still live
together

as a country

no matter
what they

tell you

climb the wild
don’t hold on

to shadows
they will fall

if you let them go

they can’t
follow you here

reach up
punch with
your mighty fists

break the glass
the past is sand

that dissolves
in water and

can’t keep time

don’t worry
about the blood

or scars you
are stronger

than you know
trust me no

trust yourself

1.  little monsters

there are things inside of me.  pre-historic things.   lizard kings.  things that cannot become words.  some have been buried there for years.  others came alive.  recently.  on their own.  rose from the swamps without intent.  I enter the depths of this unexplored world.  but I am lost without my words.  I have not developed the skills to survive.  amongst these little monsters.

2.  it rains here

her hair.  like her mind.  was scattered.  made of all things deep and muddy.  made me think of the earth.  before corruption.  nature’s reign. she has a soul.  I don’t think.  she always had one. I am possessed by her.  obsessed with her.  she is too young to be ancient.  she is too old to be modern.  she is finishing her sentence.  I will wait for her.  no matter how long it takes.  

3.  awareness

I sit in a corner.  folded hands.  a mild child.  I scream into the lead-paint walls.  and watch my skin peel.  a wild child.  I reach the edges.  consciousness implodes. in my brain.  she wraps herself around me.  thinking I will calm.  eventually.  believing I can be calm. eventually.  I am a snake.  biting myself.  squeezing myself.  shedding my skin.

4.  after math

she escapes.  first she exploded.  inside.  then a year later.  she died.  poison invaded her walls.  poison as a solid can be removed.  poison as a liquid.  or a gas.  spreads everywhere.  inside.  slowly a solid grows again.  and overtakes everything.  good.  and clean.  and then she was no longer.  a name.  or a number.  she could make no payment.  she could not be charged.  anymore.

I love her sharp tongue
especially when it cuts me

she makes my brain hurt
working so hard to keep up

I am scared to ask her questions
but the fear energizes me

I don’t just want to keep up
I want to pass her

but she is not a dictionary
and she is not an encyclopedia

she is the internet
a network that never

stops learning
and I am merely mortal

every day and night
I try to **** my shadows

my mind is
the constant beat

of midnight rain
and vampire bats

they want to tell
all my secrets
to everyone

I am so rich
I am on all the lists

so numbers have
more power than

words

but I will use
my words to

hide my numbers
in the shadows

and then I will
continue to try to

**** my shadows
so they can never speak

is how I
want to feel

uncivilized
uncultured
undeveloped
immature

a screaming
banshee
ravaging
woods

reaching back
and grabbing
time by
the throat

no one has yet
cursed me
with potential

I cannot
be polished

I will never
shine

so when you
describe me
to another

use the word
raw

and feel
red meat

between your teeth
sliding past your tongue
and down your throat

our pants rolled up

bare feet dangling
in a cold lake

touch each other
a little at first

blood flows and
goose pimples grow

each foot has a mind
of its own

slow dancing beneath
the surface

whispering to each other

“the longer we stay
the warmer we get”

another night.  another dream.  of being lost.  in a building.  some building.  in some land.  a building.  that seems.  to contain the world.  we are (whoever we are) moving.  from one place.  to another.  in the building.  people are living.  working.  and playing.  in this building.

we are lost.  in that.  we don’t know. where we are.  or where we are going.  but we don’t feel.  lost.  in the sense.  of not belonging.  to this place.  and want to leave.  

we are lost.  in a way.  that we enjoy.  the random search.  the atomistic movement.  the momentary discovery.  of something.  we can’t name.  and then quickly.  moving to something else.

I am pretty,
like a sunflower

picked clean
by the ravens,

starving for attention.
They shriek when they see

I am naked,
but I will not wilt.

I will stand proud
and they will see

I am pretty
when I am naked

and starving
for attention.

she exposed
herself so

many times
singing her

pains and pleasures
helping you

to feel your own
helping you come

to come to terms
with yourself

it is her body
leave her out

of your mean words

she already
exposed her

most important parts
so many times

night angel
with demon teeth

**** me
save me

make me
bleed

make me
breathe

ride the circle
make it fast

from life to
death to

life again

I am a fly
with a billion
eyes

I see futures
for everyone

there is more
than one future

there is no
straight path

to eternity

I am.  trying to decipher.  the source of everything.  around me.  but.

all I could think.  is.  I could not think.  all these pieces.  nothing fit.  every shape.  was misshapen.  or warped.  how could I come.  to know.  anything.  

so I hibernate.  my brain.  let it rest.  no input.  no output.  let everything.  settle.  into place.  

I hope.  this works.