we live as numbers
waiting to be counted

to become part of a
formula

that tells us what to do

we do not want to be
a remainder

a leftover
a piece of pi

that no one can
remember

I cannot speak to you

so I will send you something
that contains my words

I will send you words
that contain my feelings

for you

I wake
at night
the stars dance
to god’s hum
nature plays
her tunes
that blend
so easily
everything
knows it
part by heart
there is no
stopping to
think
there are no
streams into
or out of
this place
you have to
get here alone
through silence

we are small and
powerful

more than beings
we are

principles

hovering above
over and around

I am sound

wailing
gnashing
teeth

deep as
nails

pulsating
particles
penetrating
brains

collapsing
wall­s

she is light

thin
sharp
and angular

striking
bolts
of energy

hot waves
of explosions

only ever
momentarily
contained

released into
pain and
pleasure

together
we explode

creating senses

we give and
we take

life

with us
you come

to understand

money is not
everything

with us
you come

to understand

money is not
anything

huddled in the
white corner

tomorrows wait

little golden hearts
breaking without love

like flightless wings
aching for meaning

will the young
lose their memory

in their machines
can their machines

forget or is erased
the same as forgetting

is the nature of
knowing changing

what is the source
of an idea

and where is it located
will we all be implanted

or have we always
been implanted

is innovation alchemy
and what are the

ingredients

do we know our
own recipes

can we recreate
ourselves

and become our
own young

lavish me
in yellow

and orange

don’t be
greedy

let it loose

wash away
my years

make me
feel young

I want to
shine again

I want to
be the sun

rising
everyday

he was a soft
part of the world

so easily damaged

at night
before dreams

he escaped

into his tears
the puddles

on his pillow
he did not

make sounds
it was not in

his nature so
no one knew

he was drowning

on one house
on one street

on that house
on this street

they wait

biding their time
watching me
as I walk by

slowly

everyday I walk
by slowly

I don’t want
to startle them

I don’t want
to alarm them

I don’t want
to be the one

who awakens them

they already
live in my dreams

I rode a
nightmare

into the
mountains

to meet my maker

a creature
calling my name

I followed
the deep bellow

an echo of
the ancient past

I knew I
would find

life or death

either way
our war will

finally be settled

swallow hollow hallucinogenic
colors are manufactured

I walk white walls
and speak with a
red mouth

my arms are
contained in
artificial skin

there are more
mysteries in
this strings of
words

pouring the *****
into the machine

the biology of
plastic dreams

small *****
of black magic

mashed together
creating their own
connections

we control
the dimensions
not the relationships

I wake to print
in three

now you can see

the silver strands of a
splitting cell

she prints a blue
bleeding heart

mixing metaphors

we race to be
the first to
make the future real

she called me
soft names
like the first name

like a dove
whispering love
songs

and I was
an angel
with unbreakable
wings

until
she left me

and I slowly
lost my little
mind

I fell to earth
with a thud
it was not far

to fall

but it felt
like a new
planet

a dry planet
without flowers

you are fire
deep heat
an ocean
of flames
you take breath
from me
suffocate me
in love and
lust
your skin is
fine china
delicate
vulnerable
I would not
expose you
to the elements
I save you
for those
special days
those days
we are together

we had joy
we had fun
we had seasons
in the sun

daddy at the bar
living in the dark
ages since he seen
light in his eyes

it is always night

in the jungle
the mighty jungle
the lion sleeps tonight

daddy on the toilet
head slumped over
snoring
as if not a worry

ben
the two of us
will be no more

daddy in the gutter
crying for
one more chance

And I know a father
who had a son
He longed to tell him
all the reasons
for the things he’d done

I walk alone
to feel

the city is heavy
tonight

I am shaky or
the ground is
speaking

in a muffled tone

the sky sneaks
between tall buildings

carrying weight
changing colors

blue to gray
like the eyes

of a boy I knew

and I whisper
to no one
in particular

tonight

I will shed
everything

I will walk naked
under the crying sky

tonight

I will drown in
nature’s tears

tonight

I will
make peace
with the earth

before we die

tonight

I can’t look up
when you come near

for fear
I’ll drown

wanting for
something more

I don’t want
all the words

to behave

I want them
all to mean

something
but not always

what I had
in mind

they can dance
to their own

beat

create a new
sound

tell a story
I never heard

I try to give
them the space

to grow

she speaks in a way
that speaks to me

she steals pieces of my soul
and hides them in her little secrets

everything she says
is an ocean

and I want to drown
I want to drown
falling into the deepest

parts

knowing that in her words
I cannot swim
I don’t want to swim
I don’t want to float

I want to lie at
the bottom of the
deepest parts

and lose my breath
give up my breath

I want to get eaten by
something with

sharp teeth and
a sharper mind

so I no longer exist
outside of her

and when she whispers
those wishes she wishes

they will be my wishes

she does not know me
but she gets me

what is silk?

skin like
creamy milk

whole
bodied
white

ghosts
envy

my eyes
whisper

sweet nothings

my voice
tears up

wanting more

than what is
possible

my heart
is a balloon

eventually

popped or
deflated

there is a
loneliness

in truth

the path to get
there is hidden

and not easily found

and once found
it is jagged and

difficult to hold
onto and share

in any known
language

I was in a church

I was in a school
created by a church

there were teachers
and preachers
and books

everything was certain

the beginning and
the end
were certain

nothing was gray

black and white
never kissed

and then there was her

she was mathematic
she was the differential

and after we kissed

she said
angels die

so matter
of factly

that it must
be true

I was afraid the day
you said

I did not understand
I do listen

I hear words and
their meaning

I see words as
they are spoken

as if they are real
and have substance

I do not hear
what you meant

to say

those are other
words that I

can’t hear or see
unless you say them

my fingers
cannot draw

but my soul is
made of art

so I organize
words to express

the desperate
longing to belong

to a world
I know

I can add
value to

I have lived deep
inside the earth
I ache to the core
expose the heat
from my mind’s eye
to weaken each layer
and break through
one-by-one
searching for the surface
where I imagine
meaning lives
never considering
that the surface
may be imaginary
and there is no
final destination
and this is my
destiny to spend
forever burning
through all the truths

nature is so
easily buried

beneath the
artifacts of man

their rules are
my structure

and I walk in
straight lines

and I step on
no cracks

but I know
when I meet you

you will change me
you will set me free

we will have a
relationship

like the wolf
and the moon

I moved north
hoping the leaves
would fall;

changing reasons
for living again.

I met a ******* a lark
laughing at the trees.

She said “I’ve been
searching for you
sand man.”

She really meant sad
but she was too happy
to say that word.

She said, “I will wait
for the weight to fall from
your shoulders.

You will be my shiny, red balloon
I can ride to the
moon.”

I took off my overcoat.

a dancer
dreams

of becoming
light

leaping
and lifting

through the
clouds

towards the
promises of

heaven
lighting

the darkness
that covers

everyone

becoming
a star

when the fairy
tale ends

I follow her
into the woods

she was happy
as the moment

called for but
I knew she was

more than a role
and while this

ending could
be happy

I knew this
was not

the end

I knew she
had more

to say

so I followed
her into

the woods

I: Impressions

I want to
love you
I want to
feel so many
things
that I don’t
instead of just this
one thing this
one jumbled
unidentifiable
thing, this…this…
monster on the inside
made from
the unfelt
parts of
emotions;
leftovers
of moments
not one of
which was fully
experienced.

II. Explosions

All was quiet
at the beginning
of time
the big bang
made no noise
a startling spectacle
of suddenness
it was all sight
and no sound
color was its
afterbirth;
a by-product
of chemicals mating
and procreating.

III. Inventions

the universe
was seeded by sounds
the wush
of a hand moving
quickly
through a dark cloud
the tiny fingers that
crack
as they grasp
for a meaning, any meaning
and a stiff drink to
glug
glug

I know something
out there has to resonate
something has to be
real

Doesn’t it?
Doesn’t it?

my little
blue heart
aches

it can’t speak

has feelings
but no words

to express them

so I take a walk
into a dark field

and lie down

surrounded by
yellow petals

I fell asleep in
the land of

the sunflower
and pray for

some of their
brightness

to leak into
my little blue

heart

speak a treatise
on belonging

I thought
existence

into

the being
part of

human

birth is a
pressure

to escape
stillness

and peace
and every

day after
just continues

that path
a pattern

the longing
to return

at war with

the need
to move on

if I shave a
bit off my brain

will I be normal
will I see less

will I be shallow

and be satisfied
with small talk

will I carry less
weight

and ask less
questions

sprayed by her water
scared by coronavirus
I still say bless you

Like a tall, thick tree
struck by lightning
I am shocked
at how quickly I fall
and how quiet
the forest can be
when I am alone

everything breaks

healing does not
mean the pain
disappears

memories
clench into
the present

like fingers
and teeth

bleeding all
over the future

the thought never occurred to me at least not in its complete form fragments maybe at best come to me at times I am not ready and then quickly abate into confusion I do not like sentences more to the point I hate punctuation I would rather throw words together and let you figure out the starts and stops because where you want to stop may not be where I feel like pausing and this way we can both figure it out on our own there are no obligations for us to ride this thing out together but if I look over one night and find you on the same trail that would be great not saying that it is meant to be just that at that moment it is and then I will know we are both honest living our own lives close to the same spot on this planet if I am near you because you are you not because I am me there is something wrong with that inherently the daily interactions of our simple lives should bring us together so put in your own pauses or let it continue without stops until it burns out whichever way you like is right and when I want to stop and pause or start all over or elaborate I will do that

she sits in the back
swallowing her words

she knows the answers
to some questions

she has questions
about some answers

she has a voice
inside her

telling her to be quiet
it is not hers

it was given to her
as a birthright

and she doesn’t
know how to give

it back

you see me
I can feel it

a disturbance
growing

like a ****

creating a
new form

you see me
I can feel it

a desire
growing

like a flower

wanting to
change me

making me
want to change

energy I do not expend
eats me

unexpressed expressions
are so hungry

they smell my
every weak scent

like a pack
of rabid dogs

digging wet teeth
and disease
into me

I fight trying
to hold in
just one piece

that piece I
never want
you to see

tonight I will
try to sleep

counting
electrified
sheep

I think about
the people I love

more concepts
than flesh

like me

they are creatures
creating creatures

I trace his
twisted extensions

with my fingertips

furrowed brow
neck contorted
arms reaching
then disappearing

legs pressed
together concealing

toes up and
pointing leftward

he pressed his
hand to paper

never intending
to complete
himself

allowing me to
finish his thought

when I meet
a mind

I want to enter
there is a

mystery
I detect

a labyrinth
a laboratory

experimenting
sensorially

doesn’t matter
the sense

it is all
a natural

explosion
a big bang

ushering in
a new universe

nosing into
everything

eyes wide

searching
behind every
crack and
crevice

finding the
dirt

hidden
for years

whiskers
twitch

antennae
hearing
starlight

messages
from the past

and I realize

there is not
enough
deep in me
to bury

everything

We hold our arms out
as if we are
airplanes
and fly around
the yard.

Bumping into each other,
we understand
the excitement
of mid-air collisions;
the sudden explosion
and the heat
of new flames.

Then rolling around
we quickly
become alligators
our arms become
mouths
fighting over
a piece of fresh meat.

Then we turn into
professional
wrestlers
and I lift you
in my arms
and act as if
I am
going to body
slam your
body
slam your
body
to the ground.

The grass is freshly-cut,
loose blades
gather together
waiting to be raked,
we make it rain
green
and huddle
together,
my hands
become
your umbrella.

It smells like
summer;
it smells like
strawberries,

***** blond
strawberries

and my hands
become
your brush

and your arms
become
my belt.

I love words
when they are

handled with care
to nourish and grow

…empowerment

I hate words
when they are

used as weapons
to crush and destroy

…enslavement

in the corner
legs crossed

hands folded
head bowed

avoiding eyes

she thinks she
does not exist

she thinks she is
not noticed

but she does not
know her power

the potential she
can never allow

herself to see

the way she
holds the world

together with
her quiet ways

the dragon is
without anger

it breathes
as any living creature

exhaling flames
without direction

it is unaware that
it lives within
a larger purpose

like cleaning the
floor of a forest
of the dead things

the things that will
not leave on their own

like the dead things
within us that
create a clutter and

refuse to disappear

sometimes we need
a dragon within us

to breathe without
anger or purpose

taking from us
those dead things
we don’t know

still exist

the sound of
explosion

like big bang

the sound of
creation

immediacy
no space to

think

don’t wait
don’t hold back

crash smash
splish splash

silly or serious
the world is

your oyster
eat the pearl

Death was before me, lying still
the way he would sleep in his old
wooden rocker

I put my hand on his hand
the way I would when he was asleep
in his old wooden rocker

but this time it was cold

like last winter
when the heater broke

my brother stole
the blankets and
wouldn’t give them back

I couldn’t stop shivering

like pieces of
broken glass

minds are
sharp

they cut your
insides

and shred
your skin

you bleed and
you cry

shedding
liquid

staining
material

things

meaning is
a solid and

a liquid

when I
spent too

much time
alone

with my
thoughts

they called
it suicide

I am long legs and big feet.

She is lady-like,
legs crossed
and curled
under a skirt,
under a swing.

I push her away from me
knowing she will return.

I watch loose black strands
escape from the butterfly clip
and dance
ritualistically
across her neck,
frenzied and forbidden.

When she is alone
her eyes cry
but she doesn’t

yet know why.

My body is mechanical
like this swing
her body is natural
like the wind.

I can hear them calling my name
the older boys
the men
for softball softball
church softball

but I ignore them.

I can’t touch her yet
but I can talk to her
like I am.