My parents are just people.
All the things I felt they should have been
Maybe they should
But they were people
And they weren’t

I needed what they didn’t know to give

And now I, a person,
Have failed to give my children so much that I should have.

And the best way to reach forgiveness for your parents
Is to be a parent.

There are plenty of people in my world
From whom I have to hide my tears.

If you love me
You will let me show you my pain.

If you are my friend
I can tell you my truth.

It's been one year since I lost you.

You went so fast.  Just 18 days and you were gone.

If I needed advice,  you were the one I called.
When I was hurt,  I talked with you.
Nobody has ever understood me like you did.
Even when we disagreed--and we did, strongly sometimes--you were on my side.

I want my daddy back.

We are all accessories
In your story.

None of us exist
Except as we augment you.

That is why
We will all be outdated and discarded
When next year's model
Of you
Features a new charging port.

Why do I still love you?
I'm not sure.
You don't actually want me.

If you did

all these excuses of loyalty,  of duty,
Would be reasons why you still talk to her
Reasons for picking up the occasional gallon of milk,
Not reasons for staying.

I'm not interested in being the other woman
So your very presence hurts me.
But you don't understand why.

You want me to have only smiles for you,
Never make you uncomfortable.

I am a person.  I feel.

If you don't want to know my feelings,  why do you ask?

I can only come to this conclusion:

You want to be loved by me.  
You love knowing that I think of you,
Want you,
Dream of you.
But only to the extent that it doesn't inconvenience you.

For you,  I am an accessory.


Don't you know that if you fail to adequately charge your accessories,  the batteries are permanently damaged?  

You are killing my love,  one conversation at a time.

It's raining
And I'm outside
Waiting for you
Because you asked.

Why?

you took every minute particle of my love
each molecule of energy
I ceased to exist
except in relation to you
and I was happier than I had ever been.

so when I knew that your brother
was growing inside me
I thought there would be no love
no me
to share with him.

but some time, some how
entire new universes of love
of existence
exploded into being

for him,

for you

for us.

the stream of melting snow
I hear it all night long
and all day.

white disappears, and reveals the

broken chair
fallen branches
lost glove
and abandoned rake


that the first snowfall blanketed
and accumulation hid from view
since December.

the falling snow didn't remove it
and the stream of melting snow
doesn't wash it away.

I have to clean up my mess
myself.

I am the universe
I am the love
I am the power
I am the wisdom

I am the pain
I am the loss
I am the broken
I am the death

I am the recovery
I am the new growth
I am the fruit
I am the abundance

So are you.

You think that you have beaten me
with your scheming and lies
blame me for your mistakes
take credit for my successes.

I am reduced, you are increased
so you think that I am defeated.

But I am fierce.

I am unbreakable.

When you bend me I gather force
to return and knock you down.

More evil than you have tried to break me
They are gone and I grow strong.

More devious than you have not outsmarted me
you are nothing compared to me.

You think that you have beaten me,
but you have empowered me
to break free from your sphere
and soar.

You'll be here so soon
Our house will be home again.

I 'm sure you think of home
like I used to think about my parents' house:
It's always there, home, to go back to.

But that's not how it is.

When you're away it's just a house

It's you inside it that makes it home.

snow
slush
rain
hail
freeze
slip
melt
drip
repeat

your voice rumbles deep in my being
i feel its low growl in my belly
i draw out our conversation
to feel you resonate inside me

you notice that i have no idea what you were saying
that you have repeated yourself and i didn't respond
so you politely finish and walk away
and i can't even protest

please don't talk to me about your faith

don't tell me about your god or your truth

show me

if your god is worth knowing, you will be too.

if your god is loving, you will love the unlovable.

if your god is almighty, you will exercise her power on the behalf of the powerless.

if your god is all knowing, you will live in compassion and shun condemnation.

if your god is real, you will never need to tell me about her.

I will see her in you.

Almost having love is worse than being alone. "Alone" I can handle. I have been doing "alone" for a long, long time.

I know lonely, and loneliness is my familiar friend.

But almost having a confidante, almost being loved, almost having someone to depend on, is unendurable. "Almost" means I was not quite lovable. Not quite interesting. Just a bit less than you wanted.

When I was alone, I was lonely alone. No one knew.

Now I am lonely exposed. You have hurt me more with your "almost" than "never" could have ever done. Never couldn't touch me, but "almost" has broken me.


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