penciling these poems
writing down my fears
is like shouting
my deepest, darkest
best hid secrets

love is messy
detrimental
sometimes deadly

too frail
emotionally
to endure
another

barely
holding on
mending
protecting
a broken heart

to put myself
in harm’s way

a lover’s gambit
of present pain
for future pleasure

love is vulnerable
showing partners
flaws and all

a damclean sword hanging over our heads
today the coronavirus
tomorrow climate change

tears yet to dry
for a dream
that has died
laying at your feet
shards and pieces

cherished kisses
slowly fading
your heart
growing cold
brown brittle
fragile
as an autumn leave

walking among the living
searching for the dead
living with a ghost
demons screaming
in your head

lay down
rest forever
in peace
my love

i experienced love
it was painful, pointless, and overrated
yet i need, crave, and wished i had it my life

over wrought and overwhelmed
by this virus and pandemic

channel it
express it
keep writing baby girl
because i feel it

your voice so sweet and soft
a feminine lullaby
to tame the beast within
with girly girl ways
and doe eyes

mother maiden crone
waxing waning full
salt and iron
writings in a grimoire
alas, I shall kiss
the witch queen

defeated by life
i walk towards Death
slowly
methodically
willingly
no longer afraid
as He reaches out
and embraces me
i sob in relief
as my fears
anxieties
and life
slowly fade away

a ****** of ravens on a hill
cawing as night approaches
a warning of things to come
beware all hallow's eve
be scared of the jack-o-lantern

how do you do it
tame the beast within me
with a hand on my cheek
you ground me
center of my world
i’ll hold up the sky for you
my sweet soft doe-eyed girl

summer love
delicate and fleeting
evaporating like dew
on a september morning

last soldier of a forgotten war
exiled from returning home
fading into the ether
cultural jetsam of national guilt

how can i open up and trust
and make myself vulnerable
in this dangerous game of love
when the stakes are high
and lust is ephemeral as a day fading into night
how long will love last when everyone is disposable
and a replacement a swipe away
how much value do I have in your eyes
before and after we say, “i love you”

i am a broken thing
a misfit in a lost land
having yet whispered
the secrets in my heart

kissing during gloaming
I cried through out vespers
knowing, soon
it would be
the dominion of the moon

love is a lie, a fool’s errand, a lost cause of being burned and churned; chewed up and spat out; of hate and bitterness. teenage veterans traumatized by the senseless romantic violence of the endless ****** wars.

of ****** prostituting themselves out to Chads and Tyrones, eating like pigs at an unlimited buffet, using, abusing, and abandoning, when they’ve had their fill.

of simps acting like dancing monkeys entertaining and quenching thirsty Stacies, who string them along, placeholders until a Tyrone pays attention to them.

the lost dreams, the last dream, of unmet expectations, unfulfilled needs, when i withdraw into my head, hide from the world, shutting downing  emotionally, sexually, when the anhedonia becomes dysthymia, everything turns gray, all becomes bland, and i am left jaded, cynical, and blasé

how bittersweet it is
knowing from the first kiss
one day you’ll leave

it depresses me to realize that i’ve become one of the zombies shopping late at night in bleak, overly fluorescently lit, dingy yellow dollar store on the outskirt of small texas town.

i watch them shuffle around, talking to themselves, looking lost, swiveling their heads frantically, searching for cheap store brands to match their coupons and save what little social security money they live on so they can buy tobacco and alcohol.

who the **** am i to judge what makes a person happy when it’s hard to find and so temporary.

how do i live without you
without love
when it’s all that i crave
i miss the tenderness
the soft embraces
of you in my bed

it is getting to me, the social distancing, the lack of intimacy, the isolation, being locked down, in my cell, in solitary confinement.

i hunger for your touch, it tells me so much, the way you slowly, softly, run your nails down my arm to my finger tips.

i thirst for your kiss, the softness of your lips, touching ever so slightly, against mine, tasting your sweetness, feeling your tongue, penetrating, exploring, expressing your love and lust.

i crave your whispers in my ear, your nubile voice, the heat of your breath upon my neck, listening, empathizing to secrets and fears, wishing i could do more, to soothe your anxieties.

i wake at night, spooning the pillow, as i would, if you were here, an arm underneath cradling your head, the other over, cupping your breast, feeling your body firmly pressed against mine, no longer two but one, smelling your hair, your scent, giving me comfort, relieving my fears.  

i hurt, at being apart, my soul ripped, my mood sullen, like a cold spring day. i whither, without you, gone is the warmth of your smile, the glow in your eyes. how long can i last without your touch , without your tenderness, before i curl up and die.

i didn’t think i would, but when you came into view, i started to sob.

your hand held high, holding the light of freedom and safety.

all i could do through my sobs, was to recite,

"one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

over and over and over again

wishing, hoping, it stays true

you care for her
as tender as a child
as she holds on the handles of a shopping cart
small and petite and as still as a mouse
trembling from cold or fear
staring into space
eyes white and blind from age
you were once strapping
and have weakened and bent with age
shuffling the aisle
gathering goods
the first time i saw you
and realized the dynamics
and saw the tenderness between you
i teared up and walked away
only to start to sob uncontrollably halfway down the aisle
envious of a such a love
wishing i had just a little bit of it

when i realized
you were worse than better
and was being played
i let go and violently crashed
out of heaven and into hell
full of my worst fears and nightmares
to suffer the emotional savagery and carnage
wreaked upon my heart and soul
there aren’t enough tears to wash away the pain
screams loud enough to express my suffering
but lay curled up, shivering in a pool of blood and feces
and wait for Time to heal anguish and sorrow

****** if i do or don’t
you ****** with my head and heart
you’re BPD, fear-avoidant, and don’t even know it
you’re hormonal, emotional
feelings whipsawing all over the place
i’m tired, exhausted, depleted
i’m sad it ended this way
but i had to walk away
to maintain my sanity

in the cold and dreary twilight
a vicious wind blows
do i hear a howl or scream
coming far from the isle of sky
fata morganna, banshee or spry
i pull my tartan tight around
samhain night has fallen
i fear the fae appear

when i touched you
for the first time
held you gently
respectful and kind

pulled you near
face to face
feeling your breath
your body against mine

i brushed your hair
caressed your lips
you felt safe
that someone cared

the siege is lifting,  the viral apocalypse fading. i am a lucky one, weary, ready to move on, wanting normal, of days gone by.

everything i knew, every belief i had, is about to change, i am not ready, for the brave new world of animal farm.

i am tuned in, nothing is important, time a blur, sober is depressing, nothing turns me on, leave me alone, so i can drop out.

living the nightmare of behavioral sink, pathologically withdrawn, suffering the indifference of the beautiful ones, how do i survive, the asocial haze of universe 25.

love and ***
not during the pandemic
sad and lonely
wishing for company
a touch a kiss
some form of connection

i’m tired of the false hopes and mirages of love and happy endings
disillusioned and disgusted with the the lies and manipulations
i am numb, have given up, and disassociated
i don’t see any hope and feel helpless in an unbearable situation
how do others do it, haven normal relationships
am i broken or just don’t know how to communicate
with all the therapy, am i still sick, still choosing the damaged ones
i need to stop, take a break, re-evaluate
or accept my fate

i am tired
fed up
stuck in a rut
i want change
something new
novel and exciting

i  want to burn it all down
start fresh
rise from the ashes
like a phoenix

holding out hope
that the 9th
is not the last and final life

there are days i dread writing, to get into my characters’ heads, and live their lives full of  passion and violence

it gets to me, changes my mood, i feel it, intensely, as if it were happening to me, and i can’t escape without trauma, collateral damage for the day

so i procrastinate, avoid and ignore it, distracting myself in the mundane and minutia

sweetness of summer
the gentle caress of a fading sun
on lazy afternoons and balmy nights
listening to the serenade of cicadas
savoring the smell of sun-baked hay
while leaves gently rustle in the wind

an orange sun sets on the horizon
as you lay your head upon my lap
sipping fruited wine
your cheeks lightly blushing

we watch the lantern show of fireflies
twilight falling, the stars reflected in your eyes
our first kiss which blew my mind
that was the summer of 2009

i write
you edit, suggest
re-writing my poem

i loved you
you were my creation
come to life
off my pages
i was dumbfounded
when we met
you were her
in every way
the coincidences and serendipity
scared me
i studied you
as we dated
fascinated
what ecstasy
to hold and kiss
my protagonist
the four months
that we dated
were euphoric
then it ended
abruptly
still infatuated
i hurt so bad
i cried so much
the excruciating pain
tearing up my heart
of Pygmalion losing Galatea
of me losing Laura

we are going through exceptional circumstances
with very unexceptional leaders

you dropped my hand, walked away, never said a word, heartless, ghosted, in a land of the living, as a rising sun, in a cloudless sky, dried my soul, barren, without child, aged out of hope, forlorn, the bus never stops, tears streak down my cheeks, i scream and shout, in an empty bed.

complex
emotional
moody
capricious
volatile
hard to please
no, not you
me

05-09
you hurt me
broke my heart
made me cry
abandoned
left me high
and dry
unsure
insecure
spun
out of control
i crashed
cratered
burned to ashes

I want to spread melted chocolate across your lips and gently kiss it off kiss by kiss as you moan and sigh

I want to pour warm cream on your ******* and **** on them till you beg for me to stop.

I want to drizzle honey on your ***** and slowly lick it off, inch by inch, as you whimper and shudder with pleasure.

hunkered down in my bunker
******* my thumb in a corner
fearful of breathing the air
afraid of a lady called corona

another shot, at the bottom of a bottle, drunken words hurdled, to your only love, ripping through my emotional flesh, lodging in my psyche, festering away my ego, too afraid to walk away, with more tears to cry, i am dying to be loved.

we love so differently
you and me
what is that you need
safety or fantasy
a list of unmet wants
recanted endlessly
oblivious of your needs
sabotaging us
as you fluctuate hormonally
i’m exhausted
i close the door
and leave

why do i keep choosing non productive, destructive relationships, replaying fatal mistakes like a *******. am i drawn to the familiar, the comfort of my original wound. do i want to fix it, re-shape it, or just except and wallow in it.  

i needed to be loved, wanted to be loved, craved to be loved, yet was, abandoned, tossed aside, and rejected, to die alone, in the wilderness, ostracized by my tribe, my primary care giver.

social rejection diminished my worth, destroying my self-esteem, my confidence crushed by a string of failures, i fell into the black hole of suicidal ideation and depression.

i seeked my mother’s acceptance, so i chose you, the cliché, of a man marrying his mother, i recreated all the conditions, insuring the lethality of constant rejection.

i struggled to uncover the source of my neurotic behavior, finally i regained the strength, the confidence to push away the she-devils who were dangerous.

i chose a new path, made different choices, recognized, avoided the irresistible succubus. now i see, endless possibilities, none of which are fated.

i yearn when you are gone
ache to hold you in my arms
feel your body soft and warm
pressed firmly against mine
i miss your voice, your hair, the look in your eyes
as we kiss softly in the crisp winter’s night

i can never return home, a place lost to time, ghosts in dark forest, memories sunk in deep waters, my heart has grown cold, my passion extinguish, my soul cynical from experience.

to continue is a lost cause, well beyond the point of no return, i run to escape, knowing those who stay are forsaken.  

my end is near, but i will die in the place and way of my choosing.

too much trouble
too much pain
life will be easier
if i swipe left

it is sad that the anticipation is often better than the real thing, the moment before a kiss, as eyes close, lips move and touch

remembering the glow of youth, when i was sixteen, before i entered adulthood, and tears started streaming down my cheeks

i'd lost my childhood and innocence