she only came when a full moon rose over the bleak and desolate highlands of northern scotland.

i’d see her walking down the moonlit mountain towards my cabin. slowly walking, approaching, through the thickening haze.

i’d open the door, she’d walk through, and sit at my small wooden table.

she was always ****, never wore clothes. her skin, milky white, perfect and flawless. her red hair windswept, tossed, strands in her eyes and lips. her piercing green eyes staring straight into space.

i’d wrap her up in furs. go to the kettle in the fireplace, ladle up a bowl of stew and place it in front of her with a thick slice of warm bread. i’d leave her be, to eat in silence, to eat in peace.

i’d go, sit in my rocking chair by the fireplace, lighting, smoking my pipe, and drinking mead.

after she’d finish, i’d place a sheepskin on the floor. she’d come sit at my feet, place her head on my lap. i’d caress, comb out the leaves and sprigs from her hair.

she’d crawl into my lap, laying her head on my shoulder, as i wrapped my arms around her, rocking her gentle, humming soft.

never a word was spoken, she just wanted to be held, to remember what it was like to be a loved child.  

she’d stare into the dancing, crackling fire till just before dawn, then stand up and slowly walk out the door into the mist and disappear into the early morning fog.

i knew she'd be back, next full moon, as even a fay, needs touch and affection.

you are the perfect mix
of sweet and ****
now hush up
and kiss me

i remember
the first time
you fell asleep
in my arms
head on chest
you drooled
that is when
i knew
you loved
me

listen, and listen well
the secret to fame and fortune
is not who you know
but who knows you

when i realized
you were worse than better
and was being played
i let go and violently crashed
out of heaven and into hell
full of my worst fears and nightmares
to suffer the emotional savagery and carnage
wreaked upon my heart and soul
there aren’t enough tears to wash away the pain
screams loud enough to express my suffering
but lay curled up, shivering in a pool of blood and feces
and wait for Time to heal anguish and sorrow

i write
create
elaborate
romantic
love stories

i am a coward
afraid of real girls
live through my words
terrified of being hurt…, again

we love so differently
you and me
what is that you need
safety or fantasy
a list of unmet wants
recanted endlessly
oblivious of your needs
sabotaging us
as you fluctuate hormonally
i’m exhausted
i close the door
and leave

the pain
is unbearable

the loneliness
overwhelming

my soul
is screaming in agony

it’s too hard

i can’t
won’t

do this anymore

i’m not going survive
this time

losing
living

existing
without you

i yearn when you are gone
ache to hold you in my arms
feel your body soft and warm
pressed firmly against mine
i miss your voice, your hair, the look in your eyes
as we kiss softly in the crisp winter’s night

in the gloaming light
when the wind stills
and the moon shines
my heart slows
as stars turn white

this too shall pass
the fear and anxiety
clouding your mind
emptying your heart
isolating your soul
the sun will rise
and all
will be well

how many times
must i run away

blaming others
for my pain

i see the truth
every morning
reflected
in the mirror

it’s not them
but me

a midnight kiss
from a boy
to a girl
tender sighs
under a starry sky

swetha, pure, and white, why did i cry when i heard your soft, sweet feminine voice for the first time.

you stirred up emotions that i’d suppressed, afraid to express, for the longest time.

your voice is a soft lullaby that disarms me, a siren’s call to remove my battle scarred armor.

to admit to myself, that i am vulnerable, a man with emotions, who needs and wants  a woman’s touch.

reeling from grief
realizing my
God is dead
how do i make sense
find meaning
tell me please
what is the purpose
how do i escape
the bleak
lonely reality
other than in
the bliss of ******

i have not come to take
but give

endure wait
it shall pass

find the shrine
of your youth

desolate soul
yearning for rebirth

why is it
when you touch me
with such tenderness
i cry

a ****** of ravens on a hill
cawing as night approaches
a warning of things to come
beware all hallow's eve
be scared of the jack-o-lantern

between
black and
white
is gray

in the cold and dreary twilight
a vicious wind blows
do i hear a howl or scream
coming far from the isle of sky
fata morganna, banshee or spry
i pull my tartan tight around
samhain night has fallen
i fear the fae appear

so beautiful
passionate
you cry
not know why
something stirs
resonates
welling up
from your subconscious
seeking connection
any intimacy
physical emotional
so as not to feel
alone
vulnerable
inwardly pleading
rescue me

a damclean sword hanging over our heads
today the coronavirus
tomorrow climate change

how pure
how white
do i have to be
for you to forgive me

it is getting to me, the social distancing, the lack of intimacy, the isolation, being locked down, in my cell, in solitary confinement.

i hunger for your touch, it tells me so much, the way you slowly, softly, run your nails down my arm to my finger tips.

i thirst for your kiss, the softness of your lips, touching ever so slightly, against mine, tasting your sweetness, feeling your tongue, penetrating, exploring, expressing your love and lust.

i crave your whispers in my ear, your nubile voice, the heat of your breath upon my neck, listening, empathizing to secrets and fears, wishing i could do more, to soothe your anxieties.

i wake at night, spooning the pillow, as i would, if you were here, an arm underneath cradling your head, the other over, cupping your breast, feeling your body firmly pressed against mine, no longer two but one, smelling your hair, your scent, giving me comfort, relieving my fears.  

i hurt, at being apart, my soul ripped, my mood sullen, like a cold spring day. i whither, without you, gone is the warmth of your smile, the glow in your eyes. how long can i last without your touch , without your tenderness, before i curl up and die.

sweetness of summer
the gentle caress of a fading sun
on lazy afternoons and balmy nights
listening to the serenade of cicadas
savoring the smell of sun-baked hay
while leaves gently rustle in the wind

an orange sun sets on the horizon
as you lay your head upon my lap
sipping fruited wine
your cheeks lightly blushing

we watch the lantern show of fireflies
twilight falling, the stars reflected in your eyes
our first kiss which blew my mind
that was the summer of 2009

your voice so sweet and soft
a feminine lullaby
to tame the beast within
with girly girl ways
and doe eyes

we were full
of big plans
high hopes
but we were too young
and dumb
to know
how hard
it was going to be
we shattered
when confronted
with the reality

summer love
delicate and fleeting
evaporating like dew
on a september morning

how do you do it
tame the beast within me
with a hand on my cheek
you ground me
center of my world
i’ll hold up the sky for you
my sweet soft doe-eyed girl

east of the sun
west of the moon
blueing of the night
stars shine

passing pleasures
of bygone lovers
lasting memories
of forgotten kisses

a tender touch
kindles love
healing a broken heart

complex
emotional
moody
capricious
volatile
hard to please
no, not you
me

tears yet to dry
for a dream
that has died
laying at your feet
shards and pieces

cherished kisses
slowly fading
your heart
growing cold
brown brittle
fragile
as an autumn leave

walking among the living
searching for the dead
living with a ghost
demons screaming
in your head

lay down
rest forever
in peace
my love

channel it
express it
keep writing baby girl
because i feel it

last soldier of a forgotten war
exiled from returning home
fading into the ether
cultural jetsam of national guilt

love is messy
detrimental
sometimes deadly

too frail
emotionally
to endure
another

barely
holding on
mending
protecting
a broken heart

to put myself
in harm’s way

a lover’s gambit
of present pain
for future pleasure

love is vulnerable
showing partners
flaws and all

when i touched you
for the first time
held you gently
respectful and kind

pulled you near
face to face
feeling your breath
your body against mine

i brushed your hair
caressed your lips
you felt safe
that someone cared

another shot, at the bottom of a bottle, drunken words hurdled, to your only love, ripping through my emotional flesh, lodging in my psyche, festering away my ego, too afraid to walk away, with more tears to cry, i am dying to be loved.

the lost dreams, the last dream, of unmet expectations, unfulfilled needs, when i withdraw into my head, hide from the world, shutting downing  emotionally, sexually, when the anhedonia becomes dysthymia, everything turns gray, all becomes bland, and i am left jaded, cynical, and blasé

i didn’t think i would, but when you came into view, i started to sob.

your hand held high, holding the light of freedom and safety.

all i could do through my sobs, was to recite,

"one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

over and over and over again

wishing, hoping, it stays true

we are going through exceptional circumstances
with very unexceptional leaders

love and ***
not during the pandemic
sad and lonely
wishing for company
a touch a kiss
some form of connection

05-09
you hurt me
broke my heart
made me cry
abandoned
left me high
and dry
unsure
insecure
spun
out of control
i crashed
cratered
burned to ashes

i am tired
fed up
stuck in a rut
i want change
something new
novel and exciting

i  want to burn it all down
start fresh
rise from the ashes
like a phoenix

tired of fighting, of swimming upstream, for what purpose, to what end. is there a meaning, a vision to this haphazard existence. there is order in chaos, intricate fractals, when seen afar, but none exists in quantum world.

the cruelty to be given self awareness, told of free will, knowing it is an illusion. nudged along the way, by unseen forces. do you exist in this bubble of eternal expansion, in this realm of known physics. are you a vibration, a collection of strings, interacting subtly, in ten dimensions.

given a blank canvas, brushes, and paints, to draw anything, paralyzed by infinite choices, over come with fear, at the bifurcating possibilities,  how frightening, at events made permanent, mind blowing, the last refugee is in psychosis

when the horror is realized, a candle’s flame, when it dies, there is only darkness, hoping the soul is a drop, falling into a welcoming ocean

i write
you edit, suggest
re-writing my poem

holding out hope
that the 9th
is not the last and final life

why do i keep choosing non productive, destructive relationships, replaying fatal mistakes like a *******. am i drawn to the familiar, the comfort of my original wound. do i want to fix it, re-shape it, or just except and wallow in it.  

i needed to be loved, wanted to be loved, craved to be loved, yet was, abandoned, tossed aside, and rejected, to die alone, in the wilderness, ostracized by my tribe, my primary care giver.

social rejection diminished my worth, destroying my self-esteem, my confidence crushed by a string of failures, i fell into the black hole of suicidal ideation and depression.

i seeked my mother’s acceptance, so i chose you, the cliché, of a man marrying his mother, i recreated all the conditions, insuring the lethality of constant rejection.

i struggled to uncover the source of my neurotic behavior, finally i regained the strength, the confidence to push away the she-devils who were dangerous.

i chose a new path, made different choices, recognized, avoided the irresistible succubus. now i see, endless possibilities, none of which are fated.

hunkered down in my bunker
******* my thumb in a corner
fearful of breathing the air
afraid of a lady called corona

too much trouble
too much pain
life will be easier
if i swipe left

i can never return home, a place lost to time, ghosts in dark forest, memories sunk in deep waters, my heart has grown cold, my passion extinguish, my soul cynical from experience.

to continue is a lost cause, well beyond the point of no return, i run to escape, knowing those who stay are forsaken.  

my end is near, but i will die in the place and way of my choosing.