I am boycotting sleep
Which is an imprudent decision considering that I’m tired and have school tomorrow
But I’m not doing it in spite of the exhaustion, I’m doing it because of the exhaustion
And I have this theory that we all just crave our own demise
That we take so much pride in the little choices we have
When we eat, when we sleep, when we hurt ourselves, when we hurt others
It’s why eating disorders develop
It’s why I perpetually have the thought of slitting my wrists in the back of my mind
But I don’t do it
Because turns out, I have control over that too
And maybe not making the choice gives me just as much power as if I made it
I’m tired
But I’m forcing myself to stay awake
Maybe to prove to myself than I can
Maybe because I just want to wake up in the morning and hate myself for my idiotic decision
Maybe because I want to see just how dark my thoughts can get and see if I can actually do those things I said I’d never do
Whatever the reason, I sit here
Tired and angry
At myself, at the world, at every living thing within a 10 mile radius
I’m so tired
But I can’t give up control just yet
Because it’s all I have
And I’m scared that it’s all I’ll ever have