Someone once told me
Just because I have an opinion
Doesn’t mean anyone needs to hear it

If people didn’t share opinions with me
I couldn’t be free to speak eloquently
And maybe disagree but get back on
Track and shake hands at the end
And feel my mind bend at new information
It’s the best way to learn and a
Human connection
As long as my input is true and kind
I often feel it necessary to speak my mind.

~kb

Carry me gently to the moon
My heart hurts darkness makes me swoon
I need to be rid of this intense guilt
Let me curve like a cat on the moon’s tilt
Let me touch tips of stars
Feel their heat heal my scars
When shadow comes I’ll travel home
A new energy fills my bones
I tingle with stars the moon on my back
And no longer feel dark’s vicious attack

~kb

My never has come
The day I succumb
That thing that I’d never do
Just became a deceitful truth
Here I am talking to my mom
Telling her nothing's really wrong
Just some nights without sleep
The stars have been holding me
A hammock of lights in the night sky
But the atmosphere inside my mind
Makes me unable to meet eyes
You’d see through hazel iris lies
You know how to read me
You'll predict all I’ll do
But because I’ve failed you
I failed me too
But only I can live with it
Keep it down deep
Trying hard to pretend
I won’t fall to my knees
God wasn’t there when it happened
Because it was in my head in my voice
And my own voice scares me more than God
When I make a shameful choice
As much as I want to I don’t let God in
And he shakes his head as I bathe in sin

~kb

In a world of seven billion perceptions
I can’t wrap my head around
Someone telling me
I misunderstood them.
I understood in my head just fine,
didn’t miss a thing.
If I don’t understand as you do
Who are you to
Call me wrong?

~kb

I’m sorry I can’t be more positive for you
My life just seems like it’s coming unglued
For a woman of strength and fortitude
My mind seems to have an attitude
I’m not ungrateful,
I’ve carried my crosses
I’ve made my gains but keep
Comin’ up with losses
And it might seem strange
But I kind of like it here
I like to reflect on
the girl in the mirror
She’s hopelessly hopeful
And tries to be vocal
The pain she endures
They don’t understand but ensure
That it’ll all be ok
Knowing that’s just what they say
When nobody knows
My subconscious grows
And I take it all back
Now I know all the facts
This isn’t my fault it’s a
Brain assault and I’m
Not sorry
Anymore
This brain is more
Than who I am
And if I can stand what
The darkness pushes out
You can stand the occasional pout
Just don’t ever tell me to smile
It’s pandering and just not my style


~kb

My mind’s eye has cataracts
I’m remembering facts that haven’t happened yet
Like a dog understanding it can’t understand the human’s command
I turn my head to see better
Watching invisible words
play out in visual verbs
Clouded and disturbed
Starting to match incompatible feelings
with compatible meanings
Based on what I’m seeing
But that ****** fog
A chemical atmosphere inside my skull
it’s way too full
and it’s emptying me
Eye is blackening
Pull the plug in back of me
so I can finally see
this fog leave
and the wreckage I have left to clean

~kb

My soul was so bright
now my face is pastel
Everything turns fuzzy
and I’m unwell

Hard teeth crack
on harder truth

Lungs’ branches
grow flowers of cancer
just hit with the answer
to how I’m gonna die

Run outside
Start to drive
Try not to cry
Reach for my smokes

And stop

Been busy filling lungs with tar
to match my heart
slow down this beat a bit
until I’ve beaten it
Now I’m beating fists
against my head as I
hold the dread
in my very hand
contraband
and I’m sick

I’ve never really looked
the same at flowers
I count their falling petals
like I count the hours


~kb

Falling apart together
Simultaneously destructive
Infecting one another
In the many places love lives
The start was stars and stripes
Then the stars began to fall
Your lined verbal assaults
Have me clutching at the wall
Clutched once a time before
By hands engulfed in passion
That flame no longer burns
The clutch has lost its traction
With a pile of soot and ashes
Laid at our feet across the floor
We can paint our shoes in black
Or leave no footprints toward the door
A last look at one another
And present becomes past
You know that I still love you
But the fire burned too fast

~kb

Close my eyes
and mouth with tape let me
hear the torment
within my head
without distraction
Always distracted
focus compromised by
emotional eyes
and an empty heart
sleep to destroy
the art of darkness
Slow step wake up
yesterday’s makeup
spilled on the tile
emotions run wild
like fenced in dogs
never touching their paws
to pavement
just chain link
filed teeth and angry
Arranging my next
movements in order
to save me
the door or
the window
cause you know
I’m not staying here
that’s very clear
no need for the drama
just call my mama
she’ll take me home
Mouth foams
dog bites
bigger dogs now attack
now I’m ******* my back
hands collapse under straps
And of course the beautiful syringe
tinged pale neurons singed
Bring me down the hall
this is what I call
home
Light fades sleep settles
and I’m not even through
day one

~kb

I want to show everyone
I can be light too
I just need to get some
Energy from you
Just enough for a day
I’d appreciate it greatly
You’re the only person
I haven’t taken it from lately

~kb

wingspan wide flies over
soft forest cries from
fires that turn family to embers
this cold december
branches cut off leaves no
hiding a polyfil frost over
ponds in dead woods
branches wet crack slow under
footsteps
each snowflake holding its own
clumped with cousins but
unique as me
and I cling tightly to
your exposed tree
cover your bark
hang tightly to your trunk
wait until I dissipate
from your sap wounds healed to
spring’s tune wanting nothing to do
with a lonely melted crystal
I need it to be winter a while
so I have your smile
and I walk the miles
trudging through snow
to find what I know
that tempered tall tree is
waiting for me
to remind me
winter ended
and as one single flake I could’ve never
defended my tree territory
to the urging of the sun
it’s number one
tree takes care of self pushes me to a
puddle
and grows in good health
and now the trees look the same
and I play a frustrating game of
finding my tree they all look alike
with friends and flowers
you purposefully hide yourself
and I’m left wandering
a drop of water alone just
waiting for the cold.

~kb

Where’s the research
on this physiological attack
that sends me back
Proof our brain changes in these moments
but no one
can wrap a ******* shred
of their head around it
yet it’s the very thing
that gives them
intellect to begin with
I’m sick of it
Don’t lower me to not meet your
unattainable standards
you haven’t met them either
Work on you
This work on me though
Suicide’s taboo
I’m suicidal too but
pretend I was quiet and gentle as
snow hitting rooftops when I spoke that
White face and blue lips you
had to see in the reflection of the
frost glow window
just to believe
there was a part of me
all along that I told you about
causes me to shout
Life isn’t fair
don’t want to see breath
in cold air means
I’m still alive
driving toward hope that
keeps speeding too far past
for me to catch up
and I stop the chase because
I can’t afford the ticket
Can’t stand living
in this body with a brain
that doesn’t work
it keeps turning on and off
And if this is all a dream
I wish I never fell asleep

~kb

*** is now an expectation
A first date kiss long gone
If I don’t decide to go in
Any relationship will be forgone
And if I do decide
To go against better judgement
I become a *****
You become the incumbent
Holding reign over texts
And new meet up dates
I cross my legs
And patiently wait
To be treated like ****
Because I gave it up too soon
But if that makes me such trash
What does that make you?
I’d rather be alone
Than play this game
Show some respect
I’ll do the same.

~kb

Black chair floats
Rolls over fractured fabric
Dots of blood on pin pricked fingers
Gulps of water from faded plastic
An unkept landfill of cancer
Fills the black ashtray on the table
Empty it and fill it again
That’s when I might be able
To peel off my clothes
Flinch hard from hot water
Scrub the sin
Then scrub a little harder
Don’t even bother
The mirror is the same
As it was the day before
Just reflections of shame
Brush hair curl up
Blankets cover the violence
Cry until they stop
Faded eyes in silence
Just a short small break
From the deafening sound
That blares in my brain
When I just walk around.

~kb

Everybody wants their purpose
Like there’s only one
Like circumstances don’t change
And purpose remains on the run
Five years ago
I knew what my purpose was
And today I still know
What my purpose does
It shifts to the time
To the here and now
Then was different
The future is a blind somehow
If I know my purpose changes
To the place I now sit
I can sit still in peace
Knowing I finally found it

~kb

An angel and demon
Sit on each shoulder
They’ve grown to be friends
As I’ve gotten older
The proverbial good and bad
Have intermixed their beliefs
The devil’s on his knees
The angel becomes a thief
So I no longer have
That beside ear calm
Just arguing opinions
No sideline psalm
I’m even more confused
Than I was before they came
Darkness now matched with light
I’ll never be the same

~kb

I wanna
cry, cut, smoke, sleep,
drink, run, ****, breathe,
live, love, kiss, scream.
Anything but this.

~kb

I’ve tried every box,
every brand, every store.
It’s 2018;
We make technological advances galore.
We make phones that recognize
people's faces.
There’s cars that drive
On their own to places.
We have implants for hearing
to give those in silence some sound.
And I bet we hold some of the best work
in a secret lab somewhere underground.
With all of that said,
there’s something way out of order
if I can still never rip the cellophane
without destroying the cardboard corner.

~kb

One of the most intricate organs
in the body, we give so much credit to,
but can’t use it to acknowledge
it can be sick, too.

~kb

Imagine climbing a mountain
With stairs built into it
There’s more than one path
But only one person can use it
You can meet your friends at the top
Where all the stairs converge
Share your triumph and exhaustion
But you won’t know when you’ll emerge
Each pathway up is different
They take various amounts of time
The obstacles within them
Will either help or hurt the climb
You’re alone on this journey
No one to help you maintain
Battle wounds will grace your body
Part of your mind will go insane
So pay attention closely
To each step your foot finds
Prepare yourself from within
To meet at the top with mankind

~kb

Sullen face
Faded eyes
Pointed up
Midnight skies

Light stars
Heavy heart
True love
Lies apart

Shattered glass
Broken dreams
Tattered souls
Ripped seams

Moon glows
Sun’s mirror
Thoughts slow
Mind clearer

Now living
With stars
Moon love
No scars

No darkness
Just light
No you
In sight

~kb

Seeking my mind
Hoping to find
A shred of dim light
Get me through one more night
The run and hide game
Played by my brain
Has me crawling in pain
Seeking light once again
Just a glimmer of hope
Ankles bent and broke
Outstretched arms on the floor
Graze demons’ dark gore
This shadow touching
Is usually nothing
But this night feels eerie
And I’m far too weary
To take them on
Their hiding places gone
They’ve woken up
I’m on the floor curled up
Tonight won’t be a night
When I can reach the light
So I’m prepared their long
Drawn out deafening song
And my eyes won’t close
Until the sun shows

~kb

Let me be who you compare yourself to
and feel better because I’m less than you
Let me be who you get angry at
and feel better because I shy away from that
Let me be who you talk about
and feel better because your
mind blanks out
Let me be your personal self-help book
and you can feel better
knowing your own brain’s a crook.
Let me be your honesty:
You’re falling apart, honestly.

~kb

I’m writing this letter
to tell you today
that your black and white existence
has now become grey
The rose petals have worn
down to thorn brittled branches
I’ve gathered every trinket in a locked wooden box, taking no chances
Douse the box in kerosene
vibrantly watch the pyre
until all that remains
are the ashes of a liar
I’m not writing you this
to give you some kind of rise
I just want to tell you
after thousands of tries
You have finally become grey
a neutral position
Neither hate nor love
steps up to position
I am rid of your physical
and the emotional lessened
thoughts finally followed
and I’ve learned my lesson
You’re finally gone
and I’m in heaven.

~kb

Sometimes
when I’m talking to someone
I ask them if they like
music
They say yes, and maybe
name a few artists
Then I ask them
if they like
poetry
and they say
not really
never got into it
And I silently laugh to myself
yet break a little, too

~kb

Meet me at the blue stairs
at Little Lake Park.
Just dress normal.
1AM sharp.
You said we should do this,
it’ll all be okay.
I have what we need
and I’m on board all the way.
Love you.

I shuffle in my pockets
and stare at the clock.
1:20AM. She’s late,
what a shock.
As the twenty ticks to fifty,
I’m one hundred percent sure.
She’s not coming.
She wants to stay in this world.
I text one last time
just to try.
I guess I’ll go home
If she wants to live, so do I.
I thought we could leave
this awful world together.
But maybe she has plans
to make our lives much better.

I haven’t gotten any messages
but I’m here at the park.
This blue slide looks black
when the night is so dark.
I’ve waited for almost
an hour at least.
I just want to ****
our minds’ biggest beasts.
Maybe you had
a change of heart.
But I can’t continue to live
in a world so dark.
I’m sorry we couldn’t
do this together.
Maybe you had false thoughts
that this would some day get better.
Love you.

I thought he was with me
we were on the same page.
This world was pure nothing
and our lives a big stage.
Or maybe he doesn’t
want to die with me.
He’s hoping some day
he can be set free.
But the world doesn’t offer
much to people like us.
So we suffer so greatly
and feel shame for an illness.
The mental anguish
is just too much abuse
I hope the wild doesn’t get me
before the noose.

~kb

You don’t have to know
The ways the body runs round
To know the soul gives the heart life
It’s what makes the sound
Of love just beginning
Or making an end
Or a dream coming true
A relationship on the mend
The soul makes the heart beat
Faster or slower
When you feel on top of the world
Or couldn’t get any lower

~kb

Sometimes I feel like
I take others’ pain
The things they can’t handle
I take the remains
I want to believe this
As my pain is so deep
But if one who suffers like me
Can get a night’s sleep
Then I’ll take their pain all night
And stay up to the sun
And if it works
I’ll take suffering from everyone
Because I’m far too gone
Suffering is my norm
Give me all of your rain
And I’ll weather your storm.

~kb

When do I know it’s a choice?
There’s so much darkness inside
Yet I still have a voice.
But, when is the voice mine?
Is it really me,
Or the evil’s disguise?
When is the choice
Between strength and that voice?
The illness says I’m weak
The choices I make will always be bleak.
So even if I had a choice
It can never beat that evil voice.


~kb

My life’s metaphor
from the forest floor
I creep lazily and silent
my pupils poisoned with color
The crunch beneath my Keds
becomes a gradient holler
And life seems endless
like the branch of the tree
The beauty of the moments
captured solely by me
Curiosity has me
sinking in deeper
The branches get closer
and dusk gets nearer
And I’m left with a choice
on whether to go back
or stay on this off grid
darkening track
But then like a cat
I have to know
what if anything
beyond this darkness grows
While you maybe already
have turned back by now
something has my head
and turning back’s not allowed
I climb through the brush
the broken stems and branches
Constantly cut
by sharp thorn lancets
It’s way past dark
and I can hardly breathe
The foliage entangles me
and shows no reprieve
Now stuck in the pain
and frustrating life choices
I succumb to the darkness
Only sounds of the voices
The ones trapped in my head
and torment me in this place
But it’s become comfortable here
the thorn-tipped branches my warmest embrace.

~kb

The world has no eyes on me
at 3AM
I don’t have to engage
or entertain them
It’s the the most peaceful calamity
that I’ve ever known
A tranquility of silence
and darkness my mind’s chaperone

~kb

There was a light in her
like I’ve never seen before.
That purity in a person,
the kind you can’t ignore.
She’d call me from
her bedroom floor
to talk about life,
what we're here for.
But I knew all along
a monster played in her head.
We tried to keep it tamed,
but she was hanging by a thread.
You seemed so content
when you called me those days.
I felt ok for you,
you’d find your way through the haze.
But the next call from you
wasn’t your voice.
It was someone else’s
telling me of your choice.
I cried and fell weak
to the unforgiving floor.
I wouldn’t be hearing
your voice anymore.
I know that you suffered
so greatly, my love.
Just know that I know
you’re smiling down from above.

~kb

One of people’s biggest fears
is being afraid to die.
They’re not afraid of death,
they’re afraid of losing life.
So if you ask me if I’m afraid of death
I’ll have to tell you no,
because I’d have to be afraid
of losing something I don’t know.

~kb

Don’t tell me I don’t love you
It couldn’t be further from true
It’s just when I look at you
You aren’t the you that I thought I knew
I no longer have myself a space
Or a horse in this race
Or any adoring look on your face
I haven’t fallen out of love
I’ve simply
fallen out of place.

~kb

There’s far too much left to discover
Stop playing undercover
Let’s be real
Let’s be lovers

~kb

When I said I hate you,
I meant I love you and please
tell me you do, too.

When I said I was fine,
I meant I’m breaking down
a bit. Just hold me close.

When I didn’t speak to you,
I meant I’m so sorry, I was wrong
I just, don’t know how to
tell you.

When I looked you in the eyes,
I meant tell me what to do
because you’re pushing away.

When I said we can’t communicate,
I meant, you don’t seem to know
what love is, you don’t know
how I need to be loved.

When I said goodbye,
I meant goodbye.

~kb

The world can get so dark.
And then a stranger tells you
you’re beautiful,
and you realize
they meant it.

And for a brief moment,
I actually felt a part of this world.

~kb

It’s like
the whole world
went silent,
yet it’s so deafening here.

~kb

A person dies from cancer
They say he’s probably better off
A woman kills herself
And the whole world comes to scoff
At the possible selfishness
This woman had in her
To just leave everyone empty
And broken, a blatant sinner
But it was probably for the better
If you look at it the same
Hers was a mental cancer
That she could never tame.

~kb

I clamor with the words
to simply ask you how you’re doing.
I’ve loved you from afar
And I sit here simply viewing
what you do, who you are,
what you like, and what you hate.
I’ve shattered all relationships
to acquire my perfect mate.
Yet you don’t know I exist
and I’m almost quite sure
you have yourself another
that you care deeply for.
Well let me tell you, brother
she ain’t as good as me.
I will take care of you
to the highest degree.
You don’t know what you’re missing,
so I’ll sent you a note,
of my dying love for you,
with a blackness in my throat.

~kb

And my life has become
one long horror feature.

In the church of bad decisions,
I’d be the preacher.

~kb

I looked down at my hands
and they weren’t trembling.
My face was dry,
no tears were assembling.
I told you goodbye and
this is my reaction.
A looked deep in your eyes and
saw no attraction,
no fondness of me,
just your usual scowl.
And a peace fills my chest
like the night calms the owl.
I turn away, bag in hand and
get into my car.
I look up once more
to see your face from afar.
That’s when I finally
settled in my peace,
and drove off in the night;
a caged owl’s been released.

~kb

There’s this nerve occurrence
That happens in the brain
When you think of something
And at the same time feel pain
Or pleasure or love or
Complete distain
Emotion touches thought
At the very same time
And your body can feel
The brain to body rhyme
Like when you think it might be cold
And feel a chill on your back
A simultaneous attack
Leaves you racked with feeling
Or when you stare up at the ceiling
From your bed and covers
Imagining lovers entwined
And at the same time
Your body shudders
An ****** sensation
The same time as the thought
Has you caught and overcome
Tongue lips lips in a
Cry for someone
And I wonder what becomes
Of the thoughts I have
And you
I mean
Do you feel them too
When I think them at you
And is it true
Can our bodies’ synapses
Become adaptable
Is it practical to think
That you can feel
In real time when I think it
Because if so
Then you know
What I think about you
And then we can finally
prove telepathy true
And if you feel that love
That I think when I see you
Then I can’t help but wonder
Why I don’t feel yours too.

~kb

My soul is a cannibal.
Eats my words,
spits them out on a page
in such a delicate way
that I don’t even
know
the words aren’t mine.
They belong to the cannibal,
not my intelligent mind.
I regurgitate its’ feast
in slowly played rhymes.
And every shot at my soul
creates a hole
in my brain.
I’ve tried
to become
linguistically anorexic
to starve the monster
and no longer write
so it has nothing to
bite.
But the clamoring thoughts,
like a symphony of bells,
calls my soul to dinner,
and keeps my words
spilling
out of it’s ugly mouth.
I just hope someone hears
me in the writings
before hell drives me south
and the soul’s mouth
reaches up
for my heart.
The end will
be my start.

~kb

I thought we could
                          Be
but your love is a lie.
Your words weren’t
                          True
mouth open, glazed eyes.
I’ll send you
                          To
the landfill of my heart.
You protect
                          Yourself
yet tear me apart.
I look at you
                          And
find myself learning more.
You weren’t
                          The
one, and I won’t settle for
another day without
                          Rest
not another sleepless night.
This testing of
                          Will
I’ve lost this fight.
I can no longer
                         Follow
you into the dark.
I will walk in the light,
and find a new spark.

~kb

I’m almost invisible
like a blind hem stitch.
Like the world is deaf
but I sing in perfect pitch.
A girl without arms
yet I hold on to everything.
A lover for a lifetime
with no wedding ring.
An exquisite ballerina
without any toes.
A runway model
without any clothes.
I’m standing in front of you
but you move right through me.
A tormented ghost
with no haunting ability.
Undetectable, unseen,
like ultraviolet light.
In daytime I sleep
and appear in twilight.
The only person able
to create shadows at night.
Silently choking on black,
face a sickly pale white.
With the thinnest of instruments
I thicken the plot.
A partial lobotomy
and I’m full of free thought.
My darkened grey matter gone,
color returns to my face.
The invisible girl
has been visibly erased.

~kb