Today I can't breathe.
I can't escape.
I can't heal.
I can't nurture.
I can't comfort or soothe.

I just sit with each nerve like the end of a firework
Burning.
Cackling.
Sizzling.
until it hits the girth of it and everything explodes.

That is today
when my superpower is my kryptonite.

I crave to feel less.
I have such a burning desire to radiate minimal emotion.
I cringe at the pain that my insides feel
EVERY.
SINGLE.
DAY.

Not the muscle pulling, stomach cramping, head pounding type of pain.
Not the open wound, burning, and itching type of pain.

The pain where your heart hurts, the kind where you bully yourself to tears. The kind of pain where you convince yourself that you are worth nothing.

That type of pain is anxiety.
When one fear turns into such a numbing sensation and one mistake becomes a viral failure ruminating the body.
Both shutting down what feels like every inch, ***** by *****.
That pain is when my anxiety is my kryptonite.

The craving and so called desire to be busy.
It digs in its heel and makes me dizzy.

The debilitating fear of constant alone time.
Because that is when my soul commits a dangerous crime.

Like I'm trapped in myself with no way out, it builds, the sadness, the anger, the humility, the doubt.

It's always these days that I feel the most alone.
When I repeatedly tell myself I need to stand
on my own.

When I try the support I feel for a stranger,
it's like my words immediately twist to danger.

"Liar, liar" I shout. The hate so embodied it can't get out.

The sincere words too buoyant for my deep soul. The need too far down, so instead I continue to bury a hole.

The ugly dirt falling on me like a grave.
When I fear it becomes too late for me to be saved.

At the end of the day, no one is left for me,
except me.
And how can I overcome if the darkness buries me until I cannot see.

-iamgoodenough