I am lying here with tears running down my face, contemplating which of the masks to wear. Whenever I decided to shut my door and be with myself, I still wasn't encountering the real me. I still wore a mask that I had believed was me. Oh, I became the mask that was only meant for the world to see.

Maybe I wanted to be her, the girl whose mask I wore. Maybe I envied her smile and wanted to become her, maybe I liked how she didn't care about what people thought of her. I loved how she walked like there was no war inside of her and faced life and its challenges with the greatest ease.

I am lying here today, with no mask. I am here today starring at the masks everyone has mistaken to be me, the masks that everyone confuses to be me or maybe it was how I presented them to the world, disguising them as me. The truth is I am only starting to learn about the girl beneath the mask. The world will have to wait a little longer, the world will have to bear with the masks, the world will have to wait until I know her before they could ever know her.

But I can say this, she is like a puzzle. All you see is different pieces that are difficult to understand but if you take time to sit, focus and look thoroughly at her edges, you will see her. You will finally put a picture of her together. You will see that all the pieces that you know her as, are all part of her.

I can feel it
I can feel the cry
The cry to know more
The cry to understand
The cry to live
The cry to be free

I can feel it moving in
I can feel it looking for space
Space inside of me
Space to become part of me
Space to make a home with me

I am trying to fight it
I am trying to wrestle with it
But the war is too tight
I know less about my opponent
But he knows much about me
He knows where to hit the hardest
Its a warfare
But who has the upper hand?

I seem to be on the losing end
I seem to be dancing to his game
Who is in control, really?
How can a battle become so tight,
How can a battle become so unfair?
Oh we ask,
Is it even a fight?
But do we ever really know?
Do we ever truly know?

Some days are harder than others.
Those are the days encounter feelings that we buried down deep.
They come knocking to get attention from us.
They come because they feel lonely,.
They come because they want healing.

Some days we wake up feeling confined and stuck.
We hold everything in, only for it to eventually burst.
And that's why in those days tears become inevitable.
We wake up with our eyes saggy because we cried ourself to sleep.
We wake up with more tears wanting to flow.

Some days it's not easy to hold on to the hope.
We wake up wondering if it's all worth it.
Depression comes knocking on our doors with an invitation.
Everythings seems to be consuming every bit of our breath.
And those days pushing through seems to be so much work.

But it is those days where we can choose to face it all.
We can choose to face the rejection.
We can choose to face those feelings we buried down.
We can face them to heal them.
We can face depression and shut the door back at it.
It is those days where we choose ourselves.

We grew up watching movies about love.
We read books about love.
We fell in love with the idea of love,
But we grew and encountered the kind we never read about.
It is not as smooth as page 4, 7, 18 and 21.
Is love hoping the bruises won't show next day?
Is love making up a story about why the arm is broken?
Is love hoping that you get stuck in traffic on your way to see me?
Is love hoping you won't meet a new girl today?
Is love hoping that ya'll are just friends?
Is love hoping that you at least used protection?
Is love meeting your new kids every other year?
But perhaps what we encountered is not love
Perhaps there is a love waiting.
Perhaps there is a love waiting for you.
Perhaps there is a love waiting for you to be patient.
Perhaps there is a love waiting for you to love yourself.
Perhaps love is within you.
Perhaps love starts with you.

There is a deep cry in all of us longing for truth, absolute truth.
We bumb into many messages clothed in truth but are not.
What is truth?We ask ourselves daily.
We make up our own version of truth.
How do we recognize truth?
Truth meets the deep cry inside of us and they dance.
Truth touches places that are empty and fills them.
Truth makes a new melody in our hearts.
Truth brings joy deep down.
Truth is love.
Truth is all beautiful things.
Oh But that's my version of truth.
What is truth? We ask ourselves daily.
I choose my truth to be love.

You were born with a garden of flowers reigning in your heart
Every flower bloomed at the right season
You caltivated your garden
You pruned your flowers
You watered your flowers
You loved your flowers and couldn't wait to share them
You gave the key to your garden to wrong people
They stole your flowers
They didn't help you water your flowers
They cut your flowers
Your garden was now ruined
What am I gonna do now? You asked yourself
You covered your head with blankets crying.
Your flowers are in ruins
You have fresh seeds now
Seeds to start a new garden
With tears running on your face , you revive the old flowers and plant new
You patiently build your garden again
The dead flowers are on the outskirts
The new flowers are hidden where no one can see them
You love your new garden more than before
More intensely that you are hidding it away
You dont want people to see your flowers
You don't want to give them the keys
You show them the old dead flowers when they come to view
Knowing very well that no one likes dead flowers

I am going down memory lane
I see pictures of her smiling
But none of her laughing
Do you remember her laughter?
I page through her photos and she seems to be so far away
So far away from the world around her
I wish I  could remember more
But I remember her looking out for everyone but herself
And tried to become whatever she needed to be
She cried when the lights went off
But smiled when the lights went up
You could see all the brokeness even with a smile on
She was quite guarded by walls around her heart
Walls she put up one brick after another
One rejection led to one brick up
One broken heart led to one brick up
Now and again I saw her kicking a few bricks
I  would see her opening up
Another rejection would hit her
She would close up again
Where is she?
Did she ever heal?
Did she ever open?
Did she ever learn to love?
Let me know if you see her
I would like to know how she is doing
I would like to know if she has overcome