i don’t understand
where all of this pain is coming from

pain i can’t contain
flowing through me

pure hurt
i feel inside me

my heart is heavy
and i feel weighed down

having never cried over someone,
why now?
why you?

you, who has left me with nothing but pain
you, who has me feeling like refuse
you, who has shattered my worth

why are you so different?
moreover, why have i changed?

me, who knew my self worth
me, who knew the right thing to do
me, who was playing it safe

yet this happens
shattering every part of my being

i’ve left me feeling empty,
i’ve left me judging myself,
i’ve left me feeling hatred for myself,

you made me hate myself
you made me hurt myself

you make me wish i never met you.

We're fragile
Just like glass

Every time we break
I'm left to pick up the pieces

Every time I share my joy
You say I'm acting like a child

When I share my troubles
You say I'm being ungrateful

I do something wrong
And you raise your voice

I do something nice
And it goes by ignored

Now I lie here
In a pool of my own blood

Will this go unnoticed too?
Will you finally see my pain?

But don't you worry amor

A place far from you
Is a place where I can finally be at peace

You ask me why I stopped talking to you
You ask me what's wrong

How do you not realize
I can't do this with you
You're not for me

We're so alike
And yet so different, don't you think?

You would never leave to start an adventure in a new city with just your backpack on your shoulders
But I would.

You think dancing together at a party is embarrassing
But I've been dying to do that.

You think museums are boring
But I could spend hours getting lost in it.

You don't like meeting new people
But I find it fascinating.

And I need to be with someone,
Who gets me,
Who wants to do things I love,
Who laughs at my stupidest jokes,
Who I can spend hours with and it feels like minutes.

I'm sorry but I have to let you go
It's not you
It was never you.

Those words you say
Gives temporary happiness

But your actions
Make me hate love

I can't remember anything, my memories don’t make sense.
My mind is crowded with no space for another tenant.
Unarranged thoughts take most of the space
Random sounds, noises, images, and videos keep playing
And I have no control over them
My dreams are trying to speak to me
But I hate them
Waking up feeling anxious
While the sun shines too bright in my room
The late summer heat starting to fill the space
Everything seems too bright
Like I'm not meant to be here right now
Maybe it's not my life, this one
But death doesn’t seem like a peaceful place either
It seems cold and dark and monstrous
But is anything more monstrous than the life we’re living in?
I can't remember

Running out of time
I think we’re running out of time
You’re not real
I’m not real
You’re a fool
If you think this is real
I despise you
If you’re taking this seriously
We’re not real
Get it in your head
It doesn’t matter
Nothing does
So I’m telling you
You’re free now
Go.

Love is a bunch of *******
I don't want to feel
Yet I feel
And I block it
It's not true, I tell myself.
Don't trust your feelings.
They'll ******* up.
Yet I care
And I can't stop caring.
I'll always care
But I don't want to
Everything can't be fixed by me
Yet I try
To fix it all.

We're still living in
The prelude of our lives

Darling isn't it time,
We start our story

So one day
Even the stars

Will be telling the story of tonight

"Everything happens for a reason" they say.
But that's only what they want to believe.

WhOoP De DoOp

tHeRe GoEs My LaSt BraIn CeLL

I stare at the stars at night
And I think about you
About your smile
And how you played with me

You were a lovely person
You made me happy
You helped me hide while playing
A game of hide and seek

But you were sick
You had breathing troubles they said
They kept you in a room
Connected to machines and tubes

I visited you once
You didn't recognize me
You couldn't speak
You just stared

And then one day
You left us
And joined the stars
But I still love you

And I know
You're watching over me
And I'm sorry
If I've ever disappointed you

But I know you love me
And I love you too grandpa
I love you so much
You have no idea

Sleep.
A word I dislike.
Something I don't do.
A word for cowards.

For the people,
That are afraid
Of the dark
And dislike the truth.

They sleep,
When others,
Others who I like to call
Warriors

These warriors
They wait for nightfall
To chase their dreams
And to be who they want to be

And cowards sleep
While the warriors scream
And cry in desperate
Struggling to win their war.

And when dawn arrives,
And shines light on the world,
The cowards wake
While the warriors hide

Why do I cut?
To remind myself that I'm still alive and breathing.

The moon shines radiantly
On the ocean,
As she takes her step towards it
And lets the waves
Carry her home.

It was a day full of rain
A gloomy one
A depressing day

But once the rain went away,
I saw it
The most beautiful rainbow ever

All seven colors
Shining brightly
My eyes were pleased

I wondered,
What it would be like,
To bite into that rainbow

What would the colors taste like
Exploding in my mouth
And leaving my tongue colored

Ah, but I can only imagine

I'm still breathing
For what reason,
I do not know.

Life is temporary

So do whatever the **** you want

I never thought I'd matter
To anyone

Until you
Came along

And changed my perspective
Of the universe

You made me feel
Like I matter

And I'm grateful
For you.

Quick question:
Do the demons ever leave you alone?

Today I smiled at stranger
And they smiled back

I felt warm inside.

Some say that
People who read books
Live in a fantasy
And know nothing of the real world

But books have taught me
More than anyone ever could
They've taught me
The difference between good and evil

They've taught me
What is real and what is fake
They taught me
How to escape this world

They've taught me
That all humans aren't alike
And everybody is beautiful
In their own way.

Books have taught me
More than anyone ever could.

Whispers
Noises
Sirens
Gunshots
Cries
Shouts
Laughter
I hear all of this
In my head

Am I going insane?

Isn't it ironic,
That people who hang themselves
Struggle to breathe
When their feet no longer touches the ground
They're struggling to breathe,
To live,
When their intention,
Is just the opposite.

I wish I were dead.
I wouldn't cause any more troubles.
I wouldn't be a burden.
I wouldn't be missed.
Please take me away.
Into the darkness.
Take my life.
I don't care anymore.
Everything would be so much easier.
It's better this way.
Oh, how I wish I were dead.

A normal day
Walking through the park
When suddenly grabbed by the waist

You throw me over your shoulder
And run
To your van

You throw me in the backseat
And tape my hands and mouth
And start driving

I'm mesmerized
By everything
That just happened

You drive fast,
And reckless,
A really long distance

When we finally arrive
At your house
You push me into a room

You look at me now,
And laugh,
Menacingly

You punch my face
And kick me hard
You spit on me

I don't even scream
Or cry
But just stare at you

Every time you touch me
And hit me
I start liking you even more

Somehow, the way your touch
Makes me feel,
Is a feeling of home

As each day passes
Your hits grow worse
My body is bruised and broken

But my love for you isn't.
I long for your hand ******* my face
And your spit on my body

I'm not a victim of kidnap and abuse,
But rather, one of Stockholm Syndrome.

Silly tadpole
Swimming in his tank
Keeping races with his friends
And enjoying while he can

Silly tadpole
Suddenly with the urge to jump
Up an  out of the tank
To go discover the world outside

Silly tadpole
Bidding goodbye to his friends
And taking a breath
And finally the big leap

Silly tadpole
Lying on the floor
Suffocating and dying
Wishing he never did that

Silly tadpole
Wriggling on the floor
Taking his last breath and realizing
He wasn't ready for the world yet.

Voices in my head
Shadows everywhere

I'm curled up all alone
In the darkness of my room

I can feel the demons next to me.
They keep chanting

The same words until I give in
"Die" "Die" "DIE" "DIE"

"Okay"
I finally whisper.

I've given up.
They've won.

The tallest of them stands up
And comes near me

He smiles all creepy and whispers,
"Ready?"

I nod
While tears run down my face uncontrollably

He lifts his hand up
The one holding the knife

And brings it down
And stabs me in the heart.

I whisper
"Thank you"

Before falling over
And my heart stops beating.

I'm sorry
I've done it again.

They forced me to,
The voices in my head

Telling me I'm not enough
Worthless and a burden

No one's going to love me
And there isn't any point in trying.

They told me to
Go back to my blade

And seek comfort in the pain.
And that's what I did.

As I held my blade in my hand,
I felt the beautiful feeling of home.

Old memories fogged my mind,
The beauty of carving my skin and the pain that followed

It's an addiction
And also a hard one to get over.

When I tell people that I used to self harm,
They ask to look at my scars.

They examine my arm,
Like I'm an artifact at a museum

They pretend to understand
But they never will

They will never know,
The true history behind this artifact.

They will never understand It's worth,
Until one day,

It's stolen.
Snatched away from this world forever.

The sun shines bright
And so does the moon.

But the sun hides behind the moon,
And helps in shining light on the dark

They work together,
To keep us in light

To never let us experience darkness.
Because they know,

They've seen things,
Felt things.

But whatever it is that they saw,
They do not wish for us to experience it.

Because they think we deserve light,
And not the dead dark.

I'm sorry.
For the way I've been.
Like you said, I'm a sailboat in the middle of an ocean.
Water surrounding me on all sides.
Knowing, there is no way out.
I watch the days turn to nights, and nights to days.
The cycle goes on forever.
Sometimes the moons light gives me hope.
But the clouds cover over it,
Just as I was beginning to get hopeful.
Sometimes I like to curl up in my little boat,
and count the stars at night.
But I never make it to the end,
Just like how I won't in this world.
But I see you,
In the distance,
Coming towards me in your strong ship.
You're coming to rescue me.
But the waves are too strong,
And they take you away from me.
So I sit back down once again,
And stare at the night sky,
Waiting for the clouds to shift.

"You need help"
"I know"

"Then why don't you ask for it?"
"Because they wouldn't understand"

"How do you know that if you haven't tried?"
"Because they are society. They never understand"

We are made up of stardust
Or so they say

I look down at my hands
And see they are glittering

Is it glitter?
But no, It' not coming off

Shining radiantly
Almost as if It's a dream

But It's not possible
My mind says so

But the voice in my head
Tells me

To stop for a while
And let my imagination run wild.

I keep writing
But I can't find the right words
To get out this feeling in my chest
I feel sick
And I cannot think straight
Oh, how I wish everything would go
Back to the way it was.
I wish I was happy
I wish I could at least fix it.
But I'm broken now
Like you, and everybody else
And we can't be fixed anymore.

I'm screaming
Out loud
In my head

But I look around and smile
I don't want people
To think I've lost my mind.

I'm not me anymore
Something else is controlling me
It's not me anymore.

Everything is a joke to me
Nothing makes sense
Like me.

I hate this
And at the same time
I love it.

1 2 3  stars
Fixed in the sky

Some twinkling
Some still

Reminds me of the time
The world was a happy place

When people,
Actually wanted to live here

When society didn't judge us
When were free to be us

When there was only
Joy and love around

But now,
All I see is

Fire, death, anger
Families torn apart

I see people
Losing their minds

People holed up in their houses
Afraid of society judging them

The world was a beautiful place
Now it just *****.

Sweaty
Running
Panting

Pass
Catch
Turn

Shoot
Swish
Goes in

Turn around
Looks at you
You don't care

Swish
Once again
Still no word from you

Substitute
Catch breath
And promise
To never look at you again.

They tell me I'm pretty
That my smile is the best-
They've ever seen

They tell me I've got lovely hair
They say they're jealous
And ask me the secret to such beauty

But they wouldn't be jealous
If they saw,
What was inside this pretty girl.

They wouldn't be jealous
If they saw she was losing her mind
And her smile disappeared when left alone

They wouldn't be jealous
If they knew she pulled her pretty hair
From anger and frustration

They wouldn't be jealous
If they looked more closely.

Ever losing sanity
Mind crumbling to pieces
Heart pumping for the last time

This is how it ends
There will be no sequel
This is it

Mind filled with noises
It's never quiet
Can't wait for this to end

Bruises on my body
Pain spreading everywhere
All of it

Will end
Tonight
Can't wait.

Hey boy
Remember me?

We were great friends
And talked everyday.

I thought we would grow closer
Like two clouds in the sky.

You made me laugh,
And made me feel like someone cared

But then I told you something
It changed your mind.

Summer passed
And you still have't texted me

Maybe I was wrong,
Maybe we were not meant to be.

I just miss you making me laugh
And talk about myself

But It''s not like I
Liked you anyways.

I am afraid
Very afraid

There is something inside me
That is controlling me

The people around me,
They are conspiring against me

They whisper behind my back
And watch me from all sides

They are planning traps for me
To change me into one of them.

All I do is watch.
I feel helpless.

And afraid,
Very afraid.

People,
I don't like them

They're of two kinds,
The smart ones and the stupid ones.

Smart ones know how to think
And act appropriately.

They understand you
And know better than to mock you for fun.

The stupid ones,
They don't think

Their source of joy,
Comes from mocking and harassing.

But in any case,
I would rather be alone,

Than spend time
With my own species.

People
Are like
Teacups

Some are pretty
Some are plain

Some have a saucer
Some don't

Some carry warmth within them
Some turn cold in a blink

Some are the favorites
That we see everyday

But some are lost in the dark
Without their existence being known


But in the end,
They're just teacups

Life isn't always
What they say it is.

Childhoods aren't always the best
Adulthood isn't always so hard

Depression isn't always just a phase
Happiness doesn't last forever

Heartbreak isn't always something you can get over
Love isn't everlasting.


Life isn't always good
Not for everyone.

I can end it all
Right here
Right now.

The demons
They're chanting
For me to swallow the bottle of pills

Looking out through the window
I see the moon
And the night sky

I could be with them
A star in the sky
More than a star I'll ever be here

The voices in my head
They're telling me I don't have a purpose
That I'm a waste of space

But maybe
They're right
They know the truth.

And maybe
I should just end it
Right now
While I can.

Stuck in a void,
I accept the fact,
That I won't be coming back.

Stuck forever,
Lost forever,
Till the judgment day

But I like it,
Being stuck
And surrounded by emptiness

It feels like
The home
I wish I had

Stuck and lost in a void,
May feel frightening to some
But it feels like a bliss to me

Too much like a bliss
That it makes me
Want to never come back

Everyone says
That their childhood was the happiest
And as they got older
Things got difficult

But for me
My childhood and
Present
Are the same

I was abused
I was forced to fear
I was yelled and spat at
For things that were not my fault

I was never given the same love
Given to my brothers
I never even felt love
Like they did

I was forced to lie
So I don't get beaten
I was forced to withhold my screams
That would get me in trouble

I learnt not to share my opinion
Because I knew
That they
Would insult me on it

I was never allowed
To express myself
My feelings
My ideas

My childhood wasn't a happy one
But I've learnt to survive.

They say life is good
But I don't believe it.

What is good
In millions of people dying every year

What is good
In global warming

What is good
In school shootings

What is good
In floods, earthquakes, tsunamis

What is good
In being diagnosed with a chronic illness

What is good
In divorce

What is good
In your home being destroyed by a fire

Maybe there is no good
Maybe they're just lying.