I am afraid
Very afraid

There is something inside me
That is controlling me

The people around me,
They are conspiring against me

They whisper behind my back
And watch me from all sides

They are planning traps for me
To change me into one of them.

All I do is watch.
I feel helpless.

And afraid,
Very afraid.

They ask me how I am, so I put on a fake smile, pretend like everything's all right and say " I'm doing great, how about you?"

If I switched the letter, my name was Air.
I thought it might be a great thing to be the air.
I could be something and nothing at the same time. I could be necessary and also invisible. Everyone would need me and no one would be able to see me.

-Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the Universe.
Author: Benjamin Alire Saenz.

Some say that
People who read books
Live in a fantasy
And know nothing of the real world

But books have taught me
More than anyone ever could
They've taught me
The difference between good and evil

They've taught me
What is real and what is fake
They taught me
How to escape this world

They've taught me
That all humans aren't alike
And everybody is beautiful
In their own way.

Books have taught me
More than anyone ever could.

Why do all colors have a description to them?

Red- For strength or anger
Yellow- For sunshine and happiness
Pink- For all girls
Blue- For the boys and for when you're sad
Black- For hate and fear
Purple- For luxury and ambition
Green- For nature and energy

We force people to be someone by giving them a label.
Should we do that to colors too?

Why should black be the evil one?
Why can't yellow be a way to express sadness?
Why is pink for girls?
Just why?

The demons in my head
They're mine
Mine to fight

I don't need your help
You don't understand
You never will

The demons
They're multiplying day by day
And growing stronger

They're slowly eating my soul
Until I have none left
They're destroying my feelings

They're going to take over me one day
But until then,
I'm going to keep fighting

Fighting until they're out of my head
And somewhere else instead

It's late at night
I'm in bed

I hear sounds that aren't there
I see shadows shifting around

Then there they are
The demons in my head

They force me to get up
And make my way to my desk

They tell me to grab my blade
And bring it my wrist

'One cut' they say
'And the pain will be gone'

And I give in
As I bring the blade to my wrist

And I  realise they were right
One cut and no more pain.

I can end it all
Right here
Right now.

The demons
They're chanting
For me to swallow the bottle of pills

Looking out through the window
I see the moon
And the night sky

I could be with them
A star in the sky
More than a star I'll ever be here

The voices in my head
They're telling me I don't have a purpose
That I'm a waste of space

But maybe
They're right
They know the truth.

And maybe
I should just end it
Right now
While I can.

Love is a bunch of *******
I don't want to feel
Yet I feel
And I block it
It's not true, I tell myself.
Don't trust your feelings.
They'll ******* up.
Yet I care
And I can't stop caring.
I'll always care
But I don't want to
Everything can't be fixed by me
Yet I try
To fix it all.

WhOoP De DoOp

tHeRe GoEs My LaSt BraIn CeLL

You are brighter than the stars
The sun, even

And I won't let anybody take away that brightness from you
Not even him

In this battle
Against you and him,
I'm on your side

I'm rooting for you
I will always be rooting for you

I'm angry
At him

For taking you away
Away from everything

But I know now,
That in this battle
There will only be one winner
And I'm sure it will be you

Running out of time
I think we’re running out of time
You’re not real
I’m not real
You’re a fool
If you think this is real
I despise you
If you’re taking this seriously
We’re not real
Get it in your head
It doesn’t matter
Nothing does
So I’m telling you
You’re free now
Go.

The moon shines radiantly
On the ocean,
As she takes her step towards it
And lets the waves
Carry her home.

Those words you say
Gives temporary happiness

But your actions
Make me hate love

Sometimes she lays there wanting to feel something. Anything
No one cares about her anymore.
Not her friends, her family.

Her life is behind a shut door.
She is surrounded by walls, plain walls.
Walls that hold secrets

Her pains, her cries, her dead memories.
She is forgotten but she doesn't forget.
She has no role in this world

Or so she thinks.
Her thoughts flow like black waters,
spreading through her body, her veins.

Her memories almost dead.
Her heart broken into a million glass pieces
that stab her with every thought of you.

Because you should have been there for her,
when she was alive, when she needed you.

Hey boy
Remember me?

We were great friends
And talked everyday.

I thought we would grow closer
Like two clouds in the sky.

You made me laugh,
And made me feel like someone cared

But then I told you something
It changed your mind.

Summer passed
And you still have't texted me

Maybe I was wrong,
Maybe we were not meant to be.

I just miss you making me laugh
And talk about myself

But It''s not like I
Liked you anyways.

I can't remember anything, my memories don’t make sense.
My mind is crowded with no space for another tenant.
Unarranged thoughts take most of the space
Random sounds, noises, images, and videos keep playing
And I have no control over them
My dreams are trying to speak to me
But I hate them
Waking up feeling anxious
While the sun shines too bright in my room
The late summer heat starting to fill the space
Everything seems too bright
Like I'm not meant to be here right now
Maybe it's not my life, this one
But death doesn’t seem like a peaceful place either
It seems cold and dark and monstrous
But is anything more monstrous than the life we’re living in?
I can't remember

When I tell people that I used to self harm,
They ask to look at my scars.

They examine my arm,
Like I'm an artifact at a museum

They pretend to understand
But they never will

They will never know,
The true history behind this artifact.

They will never understand It's worth,
Until one day,

It's stolen.
Snatched away from this world forever.

I'm sorry
I can't

I'm sorry
I won't

I'm sorry
I couldn't

I'm sorry
I should've

i don’t understand
where all of this pain is coming from

pain i can’t contain
flowing through me

pure hurt
i feel inside me

my heart is heavy
and i feel weighed down

having never cried over someone,
why now?
why you?

you, who has left me with nothing but pain
you, who has me feeling like refuse
you, who has shattered my worth

why are you so different?
moreover, why have i changed?

me, who knew my self worth
me, who knew the right thing to do
me, who was playing it safe

yet this happens
shattering every part of my being

i’ve left me feeling empty,
i’ve left me judging myself,
i’ve left me feeling hatred for myself,

you made me hate myself
you made me hurt myself

you make me wish i never met you.

Whispers
Noises
Sirens
Gunshots
Cries
Shouts
Laughter
I hear all of this
In my head

Am I going insane?

I talk to myself
A lot

Maybe It's because I know,
That I'm the only one
Who will talk to me

Only I understand what I'm saying

You ask me why I stopped talking to you
You ask me what's wrong

How do you not realize
I can't do this with you
You're not for me

We're so alike
And yet so different, don't you think?

You would never leave to start an adventure in a new city with just your backpack on your shoulders
But I would.

You think dancing together at a party is embarrassing
But I've been dying to do that.

You think museums are boring
But I could spend hours getting lost in it.

You don't like meeting new people
But I find it fascinating.

And I need to be with someone,
Who gets me,
Who wants to do things I love,
Who laughs at my stupidest jokes,
Who I can spend hours with and it feels like minutes.

I'm sorry but I have to let you go
It's not you
It was never you.

We're fragile
Just like glass

Every time we break
I'm left to pick up the pieces

Every time I share my joy
You say I'm acting like a child

When I share my troubles
You say I'm being ungrateful

I do something wrong
And you raise your voice

I do something nice
And it goes by ignored

Now I lie here
In a pool of my own blood

Will this go unnoticed too?
Will you finally see my pain?

But don't you worry amor

A place far from you
Is a place where I can finally be at peace

We're still living in
The prelude of our lives

Darling isn't it time,
We start our story

So one day
Even the stars

Will be telling the story of tonight

Life isn't always
What they say it is.

Childhoods aren't always the best
Adulthood isn't always so hard

Depression isn't always just a phase
Happiness doesn't last forever

Heartbreak isn't always something you can get over
Love isn't everlasting.


Life isn't always good
Not for everyone.

I'm losing my mind
Slowly,
I don't know what's real anymore

Who are you?
Who am I?
Where am I?

Will I ever be back to normal again?
I don't understand myself
So I don't expect you to either

I wish I could find my senses
And be normal again
So I don't hurt myself
Because I want to feel something

I've lost everything
I don't know what to live for anymore
I'm done. So goodbye.

I hate the feeling of missing someone
It shows how weak you are

I hate the pain in my chest
when I think of the times I'm not going to be there with you.

I hate this feeling
The feeling of missing someone.

Everyone says
That their childhood was the happiest
And as they got older
Things got difficult

But for me
My childhood and
Present
Are the same

I was abused
I was forced to fear
I was yelled and spat at
For things that were not my fault

I was never given the same love
Given to my brothers
I never even felt love
Like they did

I was forced to lie
So I don't get beaten
I was forced to withhold my screams
That would get me in trouble

I learnt not to share my opinion
Because I knew
That they
Would insult me on it

I was never allowed
To express myself
My feelings
My ideas

My childhood wasn't a happy one
But I've learnt to survive.

My pillow
An inanimate object
Yet

He knows more secrets than my best friend
He has seen me in states that no one else has

He holds my secrets
He is soaked with my tears
My screams are held within him

He understands me in a way no one else will
He listens to my endless cries
He never complains

He is ready to hold me
When I'm tired and ready to switch off

My pillow is one who loves me
Endlessly and without complain

Voices in my head
Shadows everywhere

I'm curled up all alone
In the darkness of my room

I can feel the demons next to me.
They keep chanting

The same words until I give in
"Die" "Die" "DIE" "DIE"

"Okay"
I finally whisper.

I've given up.
They've won.

The tallest of them stands up
And comes near me

He smiles all creepy and whispers,
"Ready?"

I nod
While tears run down my face uncontrollably

He lifts his hand up
The one holding the knife

And brings it down
And stabs me in the heart.

I whisper
"Thank you"

Before falling over
And my heart stops beating.

People,
I don't like them

They're of two kinds,
The smart ones and the stupid ones.

Smart ones know how to think
And act appropriately.

They understand you
And know better than to mock you for fun.

The stupid ones,
They don't think

Their source of joy,
Comes from mocking and harassing.

But in any case,
I would rather be alone,

Than spend time
With my own species.

I'm a young girl with her entire life still ahead of her
But it's my moods that are holding me back

One day I'm on top of the world and the next day I'm at the bottom of the ocean

Nobody understands this
They think I'm just another spoilt kid from the city

But I'm not and I just want to make them understand
Just for once in my while entire life,
I just want someone to understand me

Just for once

They tell me I'm pretty
That my smile is the best-
They've ever seen

They tell me I've got lovely hair
They say they're jealous
And ask me the secret to such beauty

But they wouldn't be jealous
If they saw,
What was inside this pretty girl.

They wouldn't be jealous
If they saw she was losing her mind
And her smile disappeared when left alone

They wouldn't be jealous
If they knew she pulled her pretty hair
From anger and frustration

They wouldn't be jealous
If they looked more closely.

Punch my fist on the wall
Hear my knuckles crack

Keep punching
Till they start bleeding

Punch again
Till I don't feel the pain anymore

Draw my hand back
And feel the sting

I punch the wall
One last time

My knuckles are broken
And can't be fixed

Just like how
I'm broken and can't be fixed

I'm sorry
I've done it again.

They forced me to,
The voices in my head

Telling me I'm not enough
Worthless and a burden

No one's going to love me
And there isn't any point in trying.

They told me to
Go back to my blade

And seek comfort in the pain.
And that's what I did.

As I held my blade in my hand,
I felt the beautiful feeling of home.

Old memories fogged my mind,
The beauty of carving my skin and the pain that followed

It's an addiction
And also a hard one to get over.

I stare at the stars at night
And I think about you
About your smile
And how you played with me

You were a lovely person
You made me happy
You helped me hide while playing
A game of hide and seek

But you were sick
You had breathing troubles they said
They kept you in a room
Connected to machines and tubes

I visited you once
You didn't recognize me
You couldn't speak
You just stared

And then one day
You left us
And joined the stars
But I still love you

And I know
You're watching over me
And I'm sorry
If I've ever disappointed you

But I know you love me
And I love you too grandpa
I love you so much
You have no idea

Silly tadpole
Swimming in his tank
Keeping races with his friends
And enjoying while he can

Silly tadpole
Suddenly with the urge to jump
Up an  out of the tank
To go discover the world outside

Silly tadpole
Bidding goodbye to his friends
And taking a breath
And finally the big leap

Silly tadpole
Lying on the floor
Suffocating and dying
Wishing he never did that

Silly tadpole
Wriggling on the floor
Taking his last breath and realizing
He wasn't ready for the world yet.

Sleep.
A word I dislike.
Something I don't do.
A word for cowards.

For the people,
That are afraid
Of the dark
And dislike the truth.

They sleep,
When others,
Others who I like to call
Warriors

These warriors
They wait for nightfall
To chase their dreams
And to be who they want to be

And cowards sleep
While the warriors scream
And cry in desperate
Struggling to win their war.

And when dawn arrives,
And shines light on the world,
The cowards wake
While the warriors hide

Smile at a stranger
Make them think why

Make their day
Stop them from doing something terrible

One smile
It's all it takes
To change a life.

Today I smiled at stranger
And they smiled back

I felt warm inside.

"You need help"
"I know"

"Then why don't you ask for it?"
"Because they wouldn't understand"

"How do you know that if you haven't tried?"
"Because they are society. They never understand"

Sometimes I feel nothing, and other times I feel everything.
There is no in between.

Sweaty
Running
Panting

Pass
Catch
Turn

Shoot
Swish
Goes in

Turn around
Looks at you
You don't care

Swish
Once again
Still no word from you

Substitute
Catch breath
And promise
To never look at you again.

I wish I had the courage to say goodbye.
But I don't.
So I'm still here.
Eating away the days.
And never asking for a second helping
At night,
I celebrate my victory
For having survived yet another day,
In this stupid world, with stupid people.

A normal day
Walking through the park
When suddenly grabbed by the waist

You throw me over your shoulder
And run
To your van

You throw me in the backseat
And tape my hands and mouth
And start driving

I'm mesmerized
By everything
That just happened

You drive fast,
And reckless,
A really long distance

When we finally arrive
At your house
You push me into a room

You look at me now,
And laugh,
Menacingly

You punch my face
And kick me hard
You spit on me

I don't even scream
Or cry
But just stare at you

Every time you touch me
And hit me
I start liking you even more

Somehow, the way your touch
Makes me feel,
Is a feeling of home

As each day passes
Your hits grow worse
My body is bruised and broken

But my love for you isn't.
I long for your hand ******* my face
And your spit on my body

I'm not a victim of kidnap and abuse,
But rather, one of Stockholm Syndrome.

Everytime I look at my own picture
It feel like I'm looking at a stranger

It takes me a moment
To realise that's me

I've changed
In ways I don't know

I'm not my old self
I'm a stranger to myself

I'm a stranger
Who I'll never get used to

Im stuck
Inside my head

There doesn't seem to be a way
For me to get out

I'm scared
And lonely

Stuck with my demons
It's my nightmare come to life

I can't see
Or think

My words are stuck
I can't make a sound

My cries
They're held within me

I'm stuck and afraid
For ever and always.