i play the same melancholy songs
that I do when we fight
sit with my legs crossed
or pace in the pretty light

i don't want to be the wounded wife
the small smile sly im fine
i look in the mirror to see her
smiling back at me, she tells me
its fine
you learn to swallow the pain
instead of fighting back

i loathe my fight
the roar of my emotions unchained
but without it
i look empty
devoid of emotion and passion

is that what I'm destined for?
stuck with a man grey,
structured, solid, un-movable
when i'm expressive as the sky
in all her beauty

how do I breathe when we are so different
I crumble while you stand tall and fine
even if you did crumble you wouldn't want me there
a signature of we
are not a team

i could send you my words
explain to you through them
how i feel
the way i do best
but you'd be just as blank
just as confused

so maybe
i swallow my hurt
give a small smile
and say im fine

and you make me want to write poetry again
not the good kind
I find myself back here every once in a while to find
we’re still gone
you and I aren’t who we used to be and yeah
its great being friends but it hurts to see you happier
with the better version of me
because we like the same music and have the same wants
but she has you now and I’m lost and forgot
what it was like to hold your hand
its been a year my dear
and I'm happier too
with the boy I left you in the dust for
I will never forgive my course of actions
though approved of and signed by you
I should’ve seen the signs of your unhappiness
and discontent
when you sat on the rock instead of dancing with her
though she wanted you
we ****** that night under the stars but
I don’t think you wanted to mean it
and I dont think you ever forgot but how could you
how could I
see past the love I had to chase a dream of mine that ultimately
crushed us too
selfish wants and selfish ways you say
you forgive me
but that can’t be true when I watched you cry in anger
and 3 months later
we screamed in each others faces while I packed up my stuff
and moved back out to the place id finally escaped from
into your arms because you were better than the death I had planning
because it was you or the ocean and you knew that
and I sit back here and im still in this place
and she hasn’t changed and I lost you
and I lost your family that once was our family
and I lost my nieces and I lost my sanity
once again but you aren’t to blame
no
I am the one who tore our love to shreds
I am the one who needed more
I am the one who burnt the bridges that saved me
back on my deserted island of
‘home’
but you know home is *******

I love him.

but you
you taught me how to love
you taught me it was okay to be vulnerable
you taught me that for once
love didn’t have to be violent
that it could be soft like summer rain
the thunderstorms we’d cuddle up in
rearranging our room to be a little cubby just for us
love could be
okay
it could be okay

and you said you had me and I trusted that because you did
and then I ****** it up
and you sit at parties of our mutual friends telling me that’s not what happened and it was, M, it was what happened
I threw out the loving family I finally had and christmases that were joy and not manipulation
I threw out what I treasured most and ****
you’ve changed
you’re not the same person I fell in love with so why
is it so ******* hard
to actually let you go
why is it so hard to watch you turn your back
to walk into her arms
call her perfect
beautiful

I wish I could say I dont know where I went wrong

do the things I wanted with you with her and
that hurts too
long hair and **** watching ****** movies and you planning dates
and she gets that

cool

you say I taught you things like that
but did I
or was it when you finally found someone that would make your heart spin thats when she deserved that
you have a job now so you pay
and I always did but she loves you better so thats just that isn’t it

we both know im not the one running though
and my inner demons begin to show
and I cant state my point without yelling
and you cant yell back
and I thought I needed that

its been a year.

how

how have I not gotten over you yet
how am I so content yet so
destroyed by the thought of you

I listen to our song
the one we recorded for each other before you left
without knowing we both had
and I sit here with tears in my eyes because its been a year and hey there Delilah still makes me cry thinking about your voice crack
when you cried
for me

maybe in another year ill be fine
and I dont know why im not
this site feels like our place
I miss you

I miss you like summer rain
and I miss being your winter girl
but I miss who you were
not who you are now

I still look at you like you put stars in the sky
I swore to myself that this would be easy
But I sit here in another’s bed asking why
I feel queasy and ****** and not at all breezy

he used to be my everything
bright like summer rain
he has a new girl now and
things just aren’t the same

she says that she loves him
utterly and truely she swore
and it hurts to watch him love her
as if it wasn’t you before