I’d rather stay in his navy blue sheets than move on.
I know every stain.
I know the rhythm of his breathing.
His smell calms my spirit.
He knows where I want his hands.
My sweat and his.
My hand in his.
My heart in his.
I’d rather be in his
Navy Blue sheets

But I can’t change them.

You’re gone
I still think about you every day
I have to stop
Letting my mind wander back
In all my free moments
It’s not healthy
But I’m not ready
I know that you’re not coming back
I’m not crazy
I’m just not ready
It’s been 6 years
That’s probably too long
But what is a year anyway
I blinked and my hair was grey
I’ll stop when your voice fades in my memory
But for now
I’m not ready

You make everything else fade away
And then I am sick for days
You are my pills
You are my addiction
Maybe I would be yours if you found me first
Or if I was easier to swallow
Easy to crush up and easy to digest
I would be lying if I said I didn’t wish I was

It was in front of my face
But I couldn’t see it through the wounds in my eyes
You showed me your heart and you begged me to take it
But my hands were weighted down with things I couldn’t say out loud
You walked towards me and held me in your arms but my skin was too thick with the scars you didn’t create
You told me I was beautiful but I couldn’t hear you over the demons I let scream in my ears
You told me the truth and I covered your mouth with lies
I still pray for forgiveness when you are between my thighs
As the thoughts in my head surround themselves with no escape
There is this question in the center
Who am I?
It crawls down my throat and burns as the answer crosses my lips.
No one. Nothing. Alone.

I fell in love with you sideways
Stumbling through
Blurry vision
But I saw you
I couldn’t walk
so I crawled to you
Into your arms
I was drawn to you
The only place where time moved fast
I tried to keep steady
I clawed into you
Covered my face in your chest
But I saw you
It took all my strength
I gave into you
Shattered to pieces
Picked them up for you
Stood up straight
Got back on my knees for you
Couldn’t face myself
But I saw you

Come
Come lay with me
Tell me it will be okay
Like it was supposed to be
Come to me
Tell me you love me
It’s not a memory
It’s a meant to be
Put your hand in my hand
Let me put my face in your neck
Feel what you made of me
Limb on limb
Wrapped up in me
Like it was supposed to be
Pain for pain
Truth for truth
Marry me
I want to float you here
Next to me
Wrap up in you
Come to me
Ear on your chest
Your heart beat comforts me
If you can breathe I can breathe
Even if I can’t feel it on me
I know why you had to leave
But it doesn’t make sense to me
I just wanted it to be something that wasn’t meant for me
But it won’t stop me from imagining what it could be
If you’d just come to me

The love stayed
But the tone changed
I loved you anyways
I just loved you anyways

You see the parts of me
No one was meant to see
I can’t stop you
You see through me
Into the darkness and you still dwell
On me
Watch me flop on the floor
You lay next to me
The time moves too fast
When your next me
The room is always warm
When you look at me
You make me believe
I feel the honesty
The way you fit next to me
Every curve
Every finger tip
Feels like poetry
I circle the thoughts of your mystery
You mystify me
When I push you away
Your still close to me
When you push me away
I wait patiently
There’s no stopping
This pull
It’s our gravity
Made my heart beat again
Naturally
This gratitude has left your
Mark on me
For all to see
This you and me
Is the part of me
I never thought there’d be
And yet fits perfectly
And beautifully
With the worst of me and best of me
And was the missing piece
To make it all worth every ounce of misery
That brought you to me

I’m not *****
You’re not worth seeing
I love you
You don’t know what love is
I love you
listen you dumb *****
I love you
You are a *****
I love you
I don’t want no lying *** ****
I love you
You’re a ***** nasty disgusting ****
I love you

broken plus broken
The pieces felt perfect
And natural and beautiful
They kept falling apart
We tried so ******* hard
But we couldn’t make us sturdy
And we would crumble when the foundation shook slightly
The pieces scattered
Reflecting the light
We couldn’t keep still
Long enough to see
Through our darkness
We shattered beautifully  
You made a mess of me
You got the best of me
We shattered so ******* beautifully

consequences
Inevitable
Unbearable
My choices
Brought them here
My heart is breaking
I knew it was coming
All that’s left here is nothing
Just consequences

Baby it’s natural
Touch me slow
**** the room
Make me cheer for you
It’s natural
When the tempo slows
Heart beats faster
All my hairs stand on end
Touch me again
**** me again
Make me dream again
Tell me I’m me again
Baby it’s natural

Take the walls and break them
She wants you to
Hold her down
She’s asking you
Just listen
Maybe she’s a little broken
But not begging you
you can Stay awhile
If you could
Just listen
She just wants to be understood
Her language
Learn it
Her body
Take a minute to unearth it
Her heart wants to be in it
She’s ready
Just listen

Everyone leaves
Everyone dies
Every heart breaks
One at a time

Lay down baby
Cut
Don’t worry honey
Stab
I am not going anywhere darling
Slice
I love you beautiful
Mutilate

We don’t see the world different
You just stopped seeing me
When I strained myself to hear you
You weren’t listening
When I made self feel your feelings
You lost feeling for me
If for just one second while you were shaming me
I wish you would have heard me
Saw what I see
Instead you pushed your own on me
I dealt with your insecurity
And smoothed it
You didn’t trust me
So I proved it
We made this mountain
Let’s move it
Nothings right without you
Come back to me
You turned your back on me
I let you into the places no else sees
And you abandoned me
I trusted you
Stupidly
Not going anywhere?
You were just using me
You were my best friend
Why can’t you even tell the truth to me?
That’s where are difference lies
In honesty

Truth always comes to light
Just give it a minute
No one is faithful
Loyalty drought
You need to understand what I
Am about
I will flip that switch
That’s it
I’m a bad *****
You are gone now
Never get it back
Block and delete
And I look good doing it
And I feel good doing it
They always try to come back to a good thing
You know I am just gonna let it ring

When there’s a million screams
Surrounding you
When you hold it in
Until it’s drowning you
Just one quick slice to
Come back to you
Don’t judge the scars
Of the cutter
Emotions are just like
One another
Forgiveness and shame
**** each other

Yes it’s confusing
And I don’t know where are going
But can we just get naked?
I miss your hands on me
I know we both should move on
but I can’t think with all these clothes on
So can we just get naked?
Baby I will always melt for you
The way you move
How about we just get naked?

This passion
Makes me new again
Helps me learn some things
This love
Keeps my head right
Makes the pain light
This peace
Feels so bright
Seeing with new sight
Let it stay for a minute
Let me just keep this for a while
Lay back here
Chill and smile

Impossible love
I want you
I know you do too
Impossible,  love
the impossible pain
the impossible pleasure
I pray to the gods we end up together
I am your prayer
I am your forgiveness
You are my paradise
You are my sin
Take a minute
Let that sink in
Impossible love
It’s possible, love
Hell or high-water
We are in the storm again
We can drowned for strangers
We can lie to ourselves
We can give into clay forms
Or carve our own names
We are one
And the same
Tell me it’s possible, love
I just want possible, love

Left in the road
Slow like honey
She wants to stay
The thought is a spirit
Ethereal
A fine form in body
I run my fingers on my lip
And it takes me
Breathing slows
Fire in the gut
Moves down low
My hand where your hand was
I want you to know
As you slide and swirl your finger
I *** in your hand
My bones leave
Like you leave
If you want me come get me
If I fight to stand
If I lick your hand
She will linger on your toungue
She will linger in your sleeve
Slow like honey
She wants to stay

When they let you go
Go
When they won’t fight
Put it down
When they walk away
Don’t look
Look up
That big sky has a million stars
See the light
The darkness never lasts
Just like lovers
So deep in love with you
Say they would die for you
The words fly away
In the dust clouds in their footsteps walking away
And back up into the sky
Let your heart break a little
But not for too long
The sun goes down again
The stars come out again
The heart keeps beating
It’s all a circle
Round and round
But if you focus
You won’t fall
And if your lucky
You will find your way home

Slowly
Finger tips tracing
down my hip
Teasing
Pull my hand behind my back
Bend me
Grab my hair and force my head back
Every inch comes alive
Run your toungue along my spine
Sweet agony
You take me
You savor me
I am your favorite flavor
Don’t stop tasting me
Prey on me
I pray for you
Honey
Sweet
Slow motion earthquake

Raw
You saw me
You stripped the skin off my body
Down to the floor
Skin blood muscles veins
Stripped down to the floor
Crawling back to you
This mind is mine
This mind is yours
Thoughts of you like viens
Strangle my brain
Slowly driven insane
This mind is yours
Squeeze them out again
These walls
These pictures
Your skin is still in the dust
And they are back again
Infest my mind
All you left here is bones
Blood viens
On the floor
Stained the carpet
No matter how long I lay here
Scabs don’t form
Raw
No eyes to see me
No fingers to fix me
Just your shadow teasing me
Plaster therapist
Spits my words back in echoes
And fades
Back to the floor

Finger trap
You wrap me
Smack.
You make me exactlly
Burn.
This passion inside me
React.
Cut me and Blinde me
Take it Back.
Finger running down my toungue
Say it Again.
Slide it all the way down inside me
Forgive me.

Lies
The lies are killing me
The secrets
Take the best of me
Keep them buried with the rest of me
You see the worst
That’s what you want to see
Hidden behind ego
You are afraid of me
You know the power lies in me
And I can make them see
Your secrets
My secrets
I would tell you they are safe with me
But the strain in your veins
Makes you feel like me
So I will just sit here quietly
Sighing quietly
Looking up at me

He left me
Where they held me
On the floor
I woke up and threw up all over
Where they held me
The pain, indescribable
Still less than
When he told me he loved her
My insides torn
Blood on the floor
But I would take that pain
A million times more
Than hearing him say he doesn’t love me anymore
They held my neck and put a foot on my chest
Where my heart lived before he wouldn’t come home
“Shut the **** up”
Was I talking? Was I screaming?
Was I talking to them?
Was I screaming for him?
Your a crying little girl
Go cry to someone else
And then it went black.
I woke up on my back.
Burning red. Pounding head.
Spinning room. Be quiet, crying little girl.
No one is going to save you.
You are alone.
Where he left me.
But I still love him.
Putting my shirt between my legs.
I still love him.
Crawling to my car.
I still love him.
Crying for him.
He never came for me.
I still love him.
Holding her
While they held me down
I still love him.
Every broken inch by broken inch.
He left me.
Where they held me.

There’s a vision here
crossed eyed nervous
gut feeling heavy
the level stays built up
carrying the moments up each
step
Into your bed
And undress
There’s a mess here
never really cleaned up
shuffled around to make it different
more pleasing to this eye
there’s something missing here
half in half out
and the hole I can’t fill
I try and I try to pretend it’s not there
But I want him
But I want you
Can’t have him
Can’t have you
The options are void
Turn into myself and I can’t give it to anyone
Find the door and run
Into nothing
Can’t be alone
Can’t go home
Can’t survive here
Can’t survive in this moment or the one coming
Let the rain hit the roof and think
What am I doing here?
What am I doing here?

Copious amounts in my mouth
Right now
This natural upheaval
Pushes back and forth
To sea level
Into the rush of the
Undercurrent
I scrape my back against flat
Sand castles
I’m dancing
This was my one chance
I’m not fighting
I’m floating
Pain feels nothing
Free feeling
I’m not leaving
I’m receiving
Peace is kneeling
Right now

Pin me
Take me
Bend twist and break me
Make me take the old theme
Destroy it and destroy me
Show me that I’m ready
**** me nice and steady
Hold me into the position
Shut me up and make me listen
Don’t make this a decision
I want to bathe inside your prison
**** the voice of my own description
Break me out of my indecision
Boundaries left in pieces as
Your mouth makes brand new vices
Defensive moves are pointless
I return to you defenseless
I’m restless
Don’t try to read the message
Just let this mess get messy
Into the craving
This is lust worth saving

I would crawl through fields of glass forever for one night when I was yours and you were mine

You can break my bones one by one
Just to have one more night

Slice my skin up and down
Just to feel you inside

The pain doesn’t scare me
I invite it
A distraction from what’s inside me
Anything is better than lying on this floor
Writhing

Screaming your name until my voice breaks
Replaying every moment until
I am there like hallucinations
I have cut off communications
It’s not you
And if it’s not you it's nothing

So run my fingers down the cracks
Tell you I love you take me back
There’s only that

When you touch me
you feel me
Dig deep
to the real me
See what others cannot see
Press your body against me
Given over completely
and sweetly
into the depths and uniquely
If you need a rhythm to keep time to
Leave tomorrow... and I’ll find you
Melt from the center
Kept in line too
I won’t use your power against you
I will find a new feeling... to dig into
I knew from the moment I cling to
That this is a rhythm to keep time to
Slow underwater vibe to sing to
Too good
Still true

-

Yeah I like the rush
The pain behind your touch
Barb wire spikes scraping down my spine
Makes the hairs on my arms rise
Show me the scars and carve new ones to cover them
Take me so high I won’t come down again
Your adrenaline
My adrenaline
****** together
Keep in time
Keeps my heading spinning
Keeps my hips moving
It’s those shivers that keeps the blood pumping
Feel the burn from the inside
And know we’re on to something
Don’t stop oh God don’t stop
Roller coaster stomachs drop
There is no higher
We’re on top
Grab my hair wrap it in your fingers and pull straight back
Pull tighter hand to throat
Straight back
tie the ropes tighter no slack
Down to the places we are told not to go
These are the best kind
No safety inside
**** the beware sign
We can’t get past it fast enough
We like it slow and we like it rough

Your beauty is purgery
Night is my destiny
Sit still
Take a rest in me
Lie to the best of me
Your beauty is purgery
Fine lines for your sugery
Cut out time and insert energy
For waste of space and pleasure erase what you want to be
This distance is growing 180 degrees
What you can clearly see
Never is a promise of complacency
Your beauty is purgery

I miss you
I want you
I need you
I know what I'm good at
I know how to touch you
I know how to tease you
We have been together countless times
I could please you in the dark with my hands tied
But you don't want me anymore
Yet I still try
So I pulled some tricks and I saw another side
Gone was gentle
Gone was sweet
I saw your darkness and it made me cry
You take off yours clothes
Is this what you want?
In my head I'm terrified
What have I done
I just wanted to feel you one more time
But not like this
This isn't you
Your lips once soft are crushing me
Your eyes once filled with desire are burning an angry fire
Your hands once exploring are pushing and pulling me
I can't stop you
I miss you but this isn't you
I want you but your not here
I need you but this isn't fair
Your a stranger and you don't seem to care

I sit, shaking
Wanting to run
I know the answers to the questions on your clipboard
But the words won't come
This is the vessel to better
They said
But how do I give form to the demons and ghosts that live in my head?
How I yearn to die
But I have to survive
For them
Your words swirl and vibrate the floor
I tell you something but you want more
The abuse and feeling small
And how I went years without feeling at all
I did things to push everyone away
I knew when they knew the truth they would just look at me in that way
Pity and fake understanding
And when you see true darkness it makes itself stay
Like the stain on this carpet that never really goes away.

Tree tops
Are you lonely?
Do you long for someone to climb high enough to touch you?
You see things no one else can
You feel the heat and take the brunt of every rain drop
The wind thrashes you wildly
Yet your so beautiful
You look just as strong
Yet the first to be cut down
Where do you get your strength?