I shall leave you
if you do not stop
acting like a child
he shouts.

She stops and thinks
and then doubles
her efforts
to act like a child.

it does not matter
what they say

if they say
you are crazy
smile

if they say
you are a dreamer
smile

if they say
you have lost touch with reality
smile

if they say
you cannot write
let your words flow

every argument
increases
the distance
between
you and me
and reminds me
how wrong I am
to believe
that there will be
a happy end
for you and me

going home tonight
overcrowded train
outside windy, dark and cold
inside just the same

What is age
the little girl asks.

Age is an empty number
until you fill it with
experience
dreams
ideas
and happiness
her mother responds.

I want age
I want age
the little girl sings
and hugs
her mother.

I sit here amongst all the noisy people
Feeling very still
Very empty
Very sad
I can hear chatter and laughter all around me
But my heart is quiet and full of pain
Longing to have you here chatting and laughing with me

I can feel
your anger
creeping up on me
Slowly, slowly
like the mist
in the morning
I cannot escape
because
to you
I am her

She likes to talk to him
but he does not listen.

She has so much to tell him
but he does not want to know.

She now decides to write
because he might prefer reading.

I can see love and desire
In your eyes
As you look at me
From a distance

You move slowly and cautiously
Calming your burning heart
Not wanting to miss the moment

I know the moment
Will come soon
And smile at you
In anticipation

I want to run away to
a place
where nobody knows me
a place
where everybody is kind
and understanding
a place
where nobody is concerned
about difference
a place
where I can be me.

SHE
looking into the distance
dreaming of happiness
and love

HE
looking at her
not understanding
her silence

ME
sensing
the end

do not be afraid
go for it
determined
with power
and joy

do not be afraid
it is your life
your choice

do not be afraid
take it
you deserve it
just smile
it is easy

she sits on the floor
crosslegged
trying to calm
her mind
as she cannot decide
whether she really
is a poet
or just imagining
to be a poet

what present would you like?
grandmother asks
a model railway
the little girl says

not a train!
grandmother shakes her head
you are a little girl
what about a doll?

Tim left Anne for a younger woman
Pete left Chris for a younger man
Eve left Louise for a younger woman
Sue left Joe for a younger man
You left me for a younger woman

Why?

Ping pong
the words are flying
he is shouting
and she is crying.

Ping pong
he is lying
pretending to care
but even not trying.

Ping pong
I am spying
watching their hatred
and their denying.

she sits
at the window
watching the birds
fly past

why can I not be
as free as a bird
she sighs
longing to spread out
her wings
and leave all
her sorrows
behind

smile
she said
and picked up
the broken cup
a  smile can mend
whatever is broken

days are getting short
trees are changing colour
cosy is my home

red leaves
yellow leaves
gently swaying
in the wind
dark blue sky
golden sunshine
a perfect
autumn painting

she watched
the people in the room
clapping when a winner
was announced

what a grey
and well connected
group they are
she thought
and left the room

this is  my gift for you
she said and gave him
a white sheet of paper

he looked at the paper
and was surprised
as there was nothing
written on it

it is empty
she explained
so that you can fill it
with the memories
of the happy times
we shall spend together

we have to go back
to normal
he says

do you mean
my normal or your normal
she asks

Before I came
I was sad
as I knew
I would never be able
to come again.

Now that I have come
I feel no sadness
as I have realised
that there is nothing here
I still want to have.

it is my birthday today
she says
and wonders
what that means

a white blanket of snow
covers the cobbled street
there are no cars
there are no people
only stillness and serenity

she looks at the books
on her bookshelf
and begins to cry
as every book
represents one of
her unfulfilled desires

she wanted to travel
but did not have time
she loves the idea of cooking
but hates her kitchen
she likes gardening
but lives in a flat
she dreams of being an artist
but does not have courage
she yearns to be happy
but can never achieve it

the books on her bookshelf
tell a story of failure
of a life wasted
and dreams not lived
she therefore decides
to throw out the books
and begin afresh

You want me
to be your soul mate
your friend
who is always there
when you are
in trouble

But you do not want me
to be your lover
your muse
who gives you joy
when you are
happy and relaxed

Why can I not be both

try these brambles
she said
I picked them
this morning
when I went for
a walk

I looked at the
black berries
in her hand
hesitant
as I had never eaten
such berries before

when I saw her smile
I could not resist
I ate a bramble
and to my surprise
it tasted like spring
and fresh air

she looks
at the
broken cup

just like
my life
she sighs

she picks
up the
pieces

undecided
what
to do next

I will send you
a photograph
of the love of my life
her mother said
but the photograph
never arrived

You did not believe me
When I said
cyberspace is a dangerous place
You asked
how does it differ from writing a letter
I did not know the answer
and followed you
Now we are both bruised - me badly

I was told
that if a person is kind
others will appreciate
their kindness

I therefore cannot understand
why the response to my kindness
is not appreciation
but unkind bullying

I wonder what I am doing wrong

she picks up
her phone
and reads
his message:
darling,
arrived in Shanghai,
hot and rainy,
busy schedule,
can’t call every day,
see you
next week

she sighs
and wipes
a tear
from her cheek
as she remembers
smelling
the other woman’s
perfume
when he kissed her
on his return
from Shanghai

you will never catch me
the butterfly says
opens her wings
and flies away
leaving him behind
disappointed and sad

You need calmness
she says
and smiles.

How can I be calm
I ask
when I have
so much to do.

You need calmness
she explains
to decide
what you need to do
so that you can reduce
what you have to do.

I like sipping
camomile tea.

The smell reminds me
of happy days
in my grandmother’s house
when I was free
of worries and fear
and full of joy and hope.

Drinking camomile tea
reminds me
that anything is possible.

I can hear the awe in your voice
when you say to me:
"You are a career woman."
I can see the pride on your face
that I have made it,
that I have achieved something
you have always dreamt of.
And I can see envy slowly creeping up
and mixing with disbelieve
when you ask me:
"Why are you not happy?"

the sound of your cello
touches me
and sends shivers
down my spine
it is electrifying
and promises so much
and increases my desire
to rest in your arms

I need to change
but I do not know how

I need to change
but I have no courage

I need to change
but I have no vision

I need to change
as I am not happy

she looks
at the letter
confirming
the change
of her name
and smiles
as she is
delighted
to be herself
again

I am changing
my life
she said
with a smile
and left
the house

I want to change
my life
she says
but I do not know
where to begin

so she takes
a deep breath
and decides
to continue
with her old life

I watch him
choosing flowers.

He concentrates
on the task
as he has decided
to express
his love for her
by choosing
the right flowers.

I am deeply worried
that he might fail.

I am alone
in the big, pulsating city.
Walking through the crowded streets
I watch the faces
of the people rushing past:
so many stories,
so many questions
and no answers.