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I miss you.

Though I've never felt your touch,
or heard your laugh,
or seen you cry,
or had a deep talk late into the night.

My chest literally aches physically
as I'm longing to be the one
you call when you need someone
and the one you know as your own.

How can a heart miss someone
it's never even known?
you have reshaped my ideas
and become my definition of love.

I miss you so
though you would never know
how my soul yearns for you
because you are not my reality.

I miss you so much.
12/24/13
You say that
everything I do is wrong.
                                                  
You tell me that
no one loves me.

You reiterate that
I will end up alone.

You remind me that
I am worthless.

You make me think that
I am not good at anything.

But

You were supposed to be the one to tell me that
I am special.

You were supposed to
love me unconditionally.

That was supposed to be your job,
but you failed.

YOU
**are the failure.
One of the saddest things to me
Is how my generation
Has been deceived to believe
That there are rules
To poetry

That thought is absurd and profane
I’d even take another step
And call it inhumane

Poetry is an expression of being
A way to be free

I finished writing this poem
When I realized something
This doesn’t just apply to poetry
But to all writing

Essays and poems and stories
If we all wrote the same way
We would be so boring

Write different
Write about what you want
Not what they say
Do the complete opposite
Of their way

But it’s not just about writing different
It’s how your pencil
Or other writing utensil
Moves across the paper
It’s about the breath you take
Right before you pour
Your heart on the white sheet
It’s about the way you see

So don’t just write things differently
Write in your own way
Create a new style
And then you’ll know
You’ve gone the extra mile

I finished this poem again
Thought now would be a great time to end
And then I realized something more
This isn’t just about writing
This is life
Break those rules
Don’t conform

It’s not just about breaking rules
Or being some kind of lawless hipster
It’s about being yourself

It’s not always about where you go
No, sometimes it’s about how you flow

There’s something special
Buried deep inside
It’s chained down
Release it
And it will give you life

Yes
I guess you can follow
The rules and regulations
If you enjoy being assimilated
Into a system
That was better
Before it existed

You have two options
Pretend you never saw this
And stay hopeless
Or stand up
And become righteous
I highly suggest the second
But of course
I’m biased
Because I hate the idea
Of being hopeless

You have the ability
To be something
Wonderfully crazy
Something that no one else can be
Because you are you
Different than me
So be your own
Not some societal clone
Be you and you alone

I urge you
Stand against conformity
Don’t be he or she or me
Be something completely unique
11/18/2012
I run with all my might
Can’t put up a fight
Whether I run left or right
I can never find the light
Consistently sprinting into the night

Never gaining ground
Always fallin’ down
I feel like I’m gonna drown
In my own helplessness
Reverse exodus
Is this my personal pestilence?

How did I become so broken?
With all this burning emotion
Broken spirit
Broken heart
Broken person

I need somebody to save me
Pull me from the fire
Wash away my blood
Show me love

But where can I find this someone?

All I desire is healing
Nothing else is even appealing
Here I am kneeling
Begging to be free
Savior, unbreak me.
9/15/2012

Old poem that's actually a verse in one of my songs now.. But I wanted to post it regardless.
i am in love
with every little bit of you.
to the outline
of your collarbones,
to every freckle
on your back,
to the intricate pattern
your veins make
under your skin,
to the cute dimples
that form on your cheeks
when you smile at something dumb i say,
to the sparkle in your eyes
when you talk about your passions,
to that one habit
only i have noticed,
to the way you hum
that one song
under your warm breath,
to the way you love me back
for all of my little things.

                      (s.a.z)
fave ♡
I don't want to lie with you
I just long to be with you
making love isn't even on my mind
I just need to feel you breathe

even if only our elbows
lightly press against each other
while I sit beside you
I am content

Your presence is enough.
12/14/13
War
You took my hand and lead me down
to the deepest depths of my soul
You showed me who I really am
And the things I'm capable of

You forced me to see
Just how hard I could fight
To silence your demons
That hold me so tight

I fight to stay focused
I fight to stay calm
I fight to keep myself sane
I fight to trust people, including myself
And I fight to forget your name

I'll never forget the day I found out
That everything you said was a lie
I'll never forget the feeling I had
Of wanting to curl up and die

The childish games you played with my heart
Left it a broken mess
I fight to forget you ever existed
And release the pain from my chest

I fight to be trusting
I fight to be fair
I fight to forget the pain
I fight for the chance to let myself feel
And I fight to forget your name

Help me to see
Why you did this to me
What about me led you here
I don't understand,
Forgiveness be ******,
Why you worked for all my tears

Maybe some day you'll meet a sweet girl
And she'll make you feel happy and whole
I hope, if you do, she rips your heart out
And shows you the depths of your soul

Then you'll see why the battle I fight
Is a painful and exhausting ordeal
You'll see how numb the pain can make you
And you'll fight just to be able to feel

You'll fight to feel normal
You'll fight to stay calm
You'll fight to keep yourself sane
You'll fight to know why this happened to you
And you'll fight to forget her name
When all of my words are said
and there's nothing left to say
from the long nights of decisions
neither of us were ready to face
or the early mornings i sat and thought
and tried to contemplate
whether or not I should end it
If the sunset had something else to say.
Should I just wait for the stars to convince me we're right
if i know the sun will convince me otherwise?
You held my hand
and gave me space
told me you'd wait if waiting
is something I'd fake
And I won't lie
I'll probably miss you every night
But by the time the sun comes up
and burns my eyes
I'll remember why I decided we aren't right.
Either way, I'll push what i want aside
because its not fair to you
that I can't make up my mind.
So I'll end it now
while I still can
tell you that I feel nothing
not even when you're squeezing my hand
And when the sun goes down
and all that I'm left with are the stars
I'll hold myself back from calling you
Because I've seen how this all ends
And I'm not ready to watch it begin
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