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Today I am so high,
I swear I can touch the sky,
So close to Heaven,
I want to die.
So close to God,
I see the light.
I have a friend,
She jumps hurdles.
For me,
She seems quiet,
In her zone,
Eyes focused on what's ahead,
I stand at one end of the stadium,
pretending to read a book,
But with eyes behind dark glasses,
I enjoy watching her in a different realm.
She runs up and down the field,
And stops to chat with different people,
Which I find encouraging,
Because she seems to not care who those people are,
Or that they have a past,
That may be filled with secrets as dark as my t shirt.
When its her turn to run,
She stands at the blocks,
The man says "ready"
But she treats it as if its a question
Because she goes down on one knee
And flips her hair over her left shoulder,
Pulls each leg of her spandex down,
As if it'll make them grow in length,
Which I find amusing.
The man with the gun says "set"
And she rises in the air before it goes off
And as it does,
She explodes outward like ocean mist
Hitting black cliffsides
And I wonder how she seems to bring her own sunset
Becasue as she runs,
The colors never leave her face
Even when she crosses the finish line.
The other runners must see it too,
Becasue they seem to slow their step
To watch her set out in front of them
Which I think is funny,
Because they don't even get to watch the clouds break
When she smiles after ******* In a few gusts of wind.
I like to watch all people do the things they love,
But maybe it means more when you're watching someone
you truly wish to be happy
No matter the cost of yourself.
I was Sitting underneath a tree
That was raining pieces of bark down around me
Maybe to try an make the scene more poetic
As if it could change itself into water.
I was deep in thought,
Which annoys me sometimes
Cause I think too much,
But anyways,
I was thinking about how the hurdler
Doesn't just run races
On harmless school fields,
Jumping tiny tables laid out for her.
She also jumps hurdles in her own life,
Which are usually much bigger,
and scarier.
But just like the start,
She seems to crouch down at the sight of the people and their guns,
And springs forward,
Pushing against the ground, not running away,
But conquering everything before her.
And when she gets done with her race,
I can't help but swell with pride,
Because even her running,
seems to create poems of her life.
She handles each hurdle with such grace,
And respect,
a sort of beauty.
My eyes seem to always smile,
When I stand where I always am,
At the finish.
Waiting.
I stand at the end and not the start
Because just like in life,
I can't wait to see her conquer each hurdle
And meet me at the finish line
where ill always be,
With a smile,
Waiting for the hurdler.
Waiting,
For her to win.
If you wonder why I only stay for hours,
and pull out of your drive at midnight..
Its because I don't want you to see me
pulling at my skin and
clawing at my face.
I don't want you to see me
snap rubber bands on my wrists to
hide the lines the next morning.
I don't want you to see me,
Tear streaked,
Red faced,
Screaming out at everything inside of me,
Trying to cut the broken pieces out of myself,
Tongue black from the smoke
and sluggish from the bottle.
Have you ever noticed that you've necer seen me cry?
You've never seen me bleed?
No.
Because once I start, I can't stop.
I'm going from bad to worse,
and I refuse to take you with me.
I can feel my heart strings baby,
And I think I'm dying..


of a broken heart.
When I say that I want to die,
I don't mean that I want to leave
My friends and family.
I mean I want all the bad parts of myself to be killed.
I'm tired of the nightmares,
The confusion.
The loneliness,
The depression,
The anger...

I want all of it gone.
I can put it away,
I can hold it inside,
I can pretend to be good
And happy
And sane.
But when it comes down to it,
I'm all bad things underneath.
And even though I try to make myself
Good...
The bad things always come right back to the surface,
I can't escape,
And oh my god.
I want to die
I may be a thousand different puzzle pieces,
Trying to smash together.
I may be a little bit of sun,
a little bit of rain,
and a whole lot of stormy weather.
I may be a million broken truths,
a thousand ragged scars,
and have a heart that's black and blue.
But now I have an unchained smile,
A sense of self worth..
All of it thanks to you.
Wake up, bake it.
Give no *****, fake it.
Days spent, nothing.
Nights dreamt, loving.
Kids home, screams start.
MTV, Mario cart.
Big sis, no heart.
Big sis, love art.
Paints herself, always red.
Wishes herself, always dead.
Snapped wrists, knuckles bled.
Voices always fill her head.
Moms home, red eyed.
***** bottle, she always lied.
Names Jeff, *******.
Names Ben, ******* too.
Daddy says, he wants to die.
Comes in my room, starts to cry.
He's been googling, clean suicide.
Asks the same question, who am I?
Brother screams, stamps his feet.
Sisters crazy, no nice and neat.
Go in my room, close the door.
Try not to breathe, lay on the floor.
Try not to cry, punch a door.
Try not to die, try not to soar.
Hand swollen, can't move.
Pack a bowl, for one not two.
Breathe in deep, let it sit
Listen to music, begin to slip.
Drink a bottle, finally faded.
Drop the mask, no masquerading.
Pass out, dreams are waiting.
Pass out, finally escaping.
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