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I think when I first saw you,
I swallowed you like my anti depressant pills,
and you settled into my stomach.
When I first saw you,
A thousand seconds in time wrapped themselves in silk,
And became cocoons of memories.
Turning into butterflies,
they fly around in my chest.
When I see your smile,
when I hear your laugh,
when I remember the stars in your eyes.
When I first saw you,
I wanted to breathe in all of the air of the earth.
Because you...
You took my breath away.
When I first saw you,
I wanted to live.
For the first time in my life..
I wanted to  live.
But minutes turned to seconds on our pocket watches,
and you sat on the hillside of my insides with a gun.
You sat there and shot down all my butterflies.
And now..
I don't want to live.
And I don't want to love.
I want to die.
You took love from me.
You stamped at it with your feet like cigarette ashes but I'm still burning.
You grabbed me by my throat and whispered,
"I love you."
And as you left me there dying,
with my last breath I apologized for getting blood on your coat.
Writing about whatever.

Thoughts welcomed!
I want your insecurities to roll of your shoulders
like rain drops.
Catching them in my hands,
like marbles,
putting them in a soft leather bag,
tucking them in my pocket.
I crave to walk into space with you,
to play on the moon in big klunky space suits,
with moon dust floating up from our feet
like whispers ,
coating our lips so that they become part of our smiles.
I want to take you back to your childhood.
To days filled with sunscreen smell,
first pets,
overly large parkas,
and muddy rain boots.
To the times before you tried to keep up with societies idea of how you're supposed to live.
Before the first few times you were hurt,
finally beginning to build your walls high,
like a fortress.
I want to commit arson,
intentionally burn it down, no matter what the cost.
So I can peer through the wood smoke and see the center of your kingdom,
where you hide your rain drop marbles and your moon dust secrets.
I know it's incredibly selfish for me to write your name with black stones in the salt fields of Nevada  without you ever knowing about it,
and then expecting you to open up your chest,
not your wooden box,
no,
your chest.
Where your heart lies,
and your lungs.
To open up your chest and show me the words scribbled all along your bodies walls.
It's not fair for me to expect it,
especially without telling you that if you did,
I fully intend on kissing them all until they are worn down and faded from your flesh where they float down to your feet like yellow feathers.
It's not fair,
but I'm tired of feeling you fade away,
or get annoyed when you  change to fit in with the people around you.
Why would you change, darling?
When you're so imperfectly perfect.
So I saw on something tumblr that said..

"I hate when you're trying
so hard not to cry in front
of someone and then they
ask 'are you okay?' And
you just lose it."

And I thought to myself..
No that's never happened to me.
And then I realized..
No ones ever asked me that before.

I'm right there with you Kay...

It's just kinda an empty feeling, huh?

Yeah, but I'm used to it.

Me too.
So then I asked her if she was okay,
and she asked the same of me.

We both said yes,
but I think we're lying.
He used to drink orange juice
out of cups that curved,
like his smile used to,
licking droplets of orange sun
off of his lips;
sun beams,
that shined from his face,
and his eyes,
which was unfair
because he knew;
I'm telling you,
he knew,
that summer was my favorite time of year.
And when the sun hit me,
like a thousand arrows,
from the bow of Heartbreak,
that I would think of him
and his orange juice cup.
And question all the reseons he sent me letters
with different stamps,
always scribbled in black lines,
like his pupils,
when I let him see through the jail bars of my soul,
and I asked him,
no,
I begged him to leave me cuffed to the wall,
with no food or water,
starving my desire to love again,
knowing that if I devoured every word,
every sound,
and memory,
of trembling hands on first dates,
leaning in to kiss me,
with lips and fists at the nape of my neck,
clinging to me like feathers;
with every single intake of breath,
and caterpillars that wrapped themselves in silk,
and waited for days and nights to pass,
until finally,
they spread their wings to reveal Picasso's paintings,
that I would eventually die of starvation,
as the words ran out,
and the kisses became short,
and the butterflies died...
He knew.
He knew that I loved summer;
and the drops of orange juice on his lips.
I feel like taking revenge,
every time you cancel on me,
or put me off again,
or call me last.
I feel like making you feel,
all the things I feel.
Hurt,
            rejection,
                             ­  sadness;

and don't forget, anger.
I feel like taking revenge,
but I'm far too kind for that.
When you watch the one you love the most become unhappy.
And there's nothing you can do about it because they won't let you in.
They don't want to share with you,
even though they know you wouldn't do or say anything to hurt them.
At least not intentionally.
And you ask and ask them what's wrong.
But they keep quiet and just distance themselves away from you.
You ask what's wrong,
They tell you they need space.
So you give it to them.
They probably just need to push you ways because they know you see everything about them.
You can see through them like glass,
and they don't want you to see how they're shattered.
So you think about them at night,
before you sleep.
About their smile and their laugh.
How you miss it.
And you'd do anything to get it back.
To breathe some life into your ghost.
And then finally,
when you think you may be getting somewhere with them,
maybe they'll tell you their secrets,
tell you what's hurting them.
So you say it..
You say it all.
I hate what's hurting you,
and I'd do or give anything to make it stop.
And you wait for them to respond,
but when they do all they say is
Okay, I'll be fine! Thanks.
And you just sit there with your eyes stinging because they are so much apart of you that when they're away from themselves,
they're away from you too.
It's like you can't breathe right.
So here I am sitting, worrying.
Wondering when you'll let me through.
Wishing I could drive to your house right now,
come through your door,
hold your face in my hands so I can see your eyes and you can see mine..
Looking into nothing but honesty,
so that if one doesn't tell the truth,
the other can see it right away.
Or maybe I'd be too chicken with such a direct approach,
knowing you don't like my finger prints staining your skin.
So I'd wait till we went to bed,
you lying on your side and I on mine.
Whispering in scratchy voices,
I'd ask what's wrong.
I'd hope you'd tell me.
Maybe if your answer was said in a dark room,
the heaviness would disappear from your words,
letting them float up to the ceiling until they escaped out the window.
I can't say for sure.
You don't open up.
And it kills me to know that,
that you can't even for me.
And it kills me more that my words probably wouldn't help you at all,
even if I said them a million times.
So I'll just repeat myself and say I'm here for you,
always.
And you'll probably repeat yourself too,
and say that you'll be fine.
Straight from the heart.
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