There are few things I regret in my life
But this one thing,
I keep going back to.
I wish I had found a best friend.
Someone who would have seen me evolve into the woman I am now.
Someone who would know all the good, and all the bad in me.
Someone who would pick up on the first ring when I called.
Someone I could talk to about everything.
Someone with whom I would have built an empire of memories.
Someone who would be a recurrent character in the story of my life.
Someone who would be proud of me.
Someone who would unleash all the great and awful things inside of me.
Someone who would appear on every holiday pictures, every year.
Someone who would tell me to cut it out if needed.
Someone I could talk to.
Someone who could talk to me.
Someone I could fight against one minute, and die laughing the next.
Someone I would let read my writings.
Someone I would have no shame around, and who would have no shame around me.
Someone so dear to me I could say "I'd take a bullet for you" and mean it.
Someone who would know how I sleep, and how I laugh, and where I hide.
Someone who would gather me into his arms and say nothing, because he would know.
Someone who would want to look up at the stars with me.
Someone who would know my biggest dream.
Someone who would be there when I make it happen.
Someone I would worship because we would be on a whole different level of friendship.
Someone who would never judge me.
Someone who would make fun of me for my choices, but support me all the same.
Someone I could do all these things for.
Someone I could love and cherish.
Someone who would not be my family.
Someone who would have chosen me just because of me.
Because of who I am.
Because he would have made the decision that I was worth all of it.
Because I would be enough.
Because I would feel like I was enough.
Because he would fill the dark hole in my heart.
Because he would light up a candle and watch over it forever.
Because he would surprise me by being a she.
Because I would not have to wonder what gender he/she would be.
Because I would not have to imagine any of this.
Because it would be Destiny working its magic.
But I guess Destiny did not have me in her plans.

Qui suis-je, à part une poussière sur ta vie?
Je ne suis rien qu'un grain de sable
Sur l'étendue de ton océan je
N'ais rien de plus que le regret de mon insignifiance je
Suis invisible pour les yeux et ton cœur
Ne peux pas voir ce que tu refuses de lui montrer
Aussi noir que des poumons noircis par la haine tu
M'ignores chaque jour un peu plus
Chaque jour un peu mieux je
M'efface de ton champs de vision
Car je n'y ai jamais eu ma place
Des années à te servir d'ombre
Je te suivais avec perfection mais tu ne voyais que
Mes fautes
Je n'ai pas le courage de continuer à vivre dans ton univers
Je me rétracte vers la lumière éblouissante de la vie que j'ai manquée
Jusqu'alors persuadée de ta perfection je réalise
Que tu ne faisais que cacher ma vue avec tes mains
Soufflant au creux de mon oreille ce que je désirais entendre
Afin de noyer mes doutes dans ma confiance tu
N'es qu'une poussière sur ma vie et je te chasse
D'un abile coup de poignet tu disparais
Je me tourne vers l'océan et
Mon souffle…
Se
Coupe.

Writing is easier than yelling out every emotions
Writing is calming, a soothing voice –your own- dictating what to write
Writing is an escape.
Your thoughts move from their dark place inside your head,
Travel
Down
your neck,
Down
Your arm,
Feel the tension of your wrist as they go up, up,
Up into your waiting hands, fingers ready to translate the vague into the precise
Words tumbling down the ink of your pen.
Writing is the blade I slash across my wrist to feel the pain
Writing makes it visible.
My emotions.
Raw.
On paper.
Right. There.
Like a line of blood dripping down the numbness of a hand rended useless by the power of sharp blades.
My blood is my ink, and each day I bleed a little bit more onto the page, a little bit

l                o n g e r

Each day I shed my invicible suit to put on my poet cloak
For a few hours I pretend I'm a writer
I bleed to death everynight and then come back to life the next morning
I die everynight I peaceful sleep and when I wake up the blood is new.
The blood is fresh.
The blood is black.
And I bleed again and again my anger, my sadness, my incomprehension, my fear, my love, my hate, my loneliness, my grand feelings
I bleed them out
My blood is my ink.
My blade is my pen.
My pain are the words.
My redemption is the beauty of my pain
I lie down and realize my blood doesn't disappear, doesn't wash out.
No one can erase my death.
Because I am once again alive
And I will bleed forever.

Music does something to me.
Some songs feel like the only anchor to life I have, or need, to go on.
Music does something to me.
It comforts me and hurts me at the same time.
The voice burns a hole in my heart all the while mending the ache
The voice is my companion and I'm not alone in my loneliness
I can hear their pain in their voice as much as I hear mine in my head, my throat, my heart
Everything is agony but I'm not alone and it's soothing
Because we're miles apart
But we are connected
And I'm not dead
And I hear it all
And I feel it inside my bones
And my eyebrows wrinkle with feelings
And my heart constricts and
I don't know what to do with myself
Like torture
The sound touches every part of my pain and sets it on fire
But the burn eases at the same time as it flames up
Uncomprehensible
But it heals and breaks and I'm conflicted but I'm already addicted
And then their voice is just knocking on the other side
And I can feel myself being transported in another world
Where nothing can touch me
Nothing can hurt me
Because I'm in another universe.
The rhythm is making me feel both amazing and incredibly sad.
Music does something for me.
Music is my cure.
Music is life.
Music is my lifeline.
Music is the reason why I know I'm alive
Because it bursts through my window like I keep it open during the brisk winter nights
And it warms my home, my body, my heart as if it never felt cold
As if I never feel frozen inside
As if I never am alone
As if I never wonder what I did to deserve who I am
What I am
Why I am

So.

Empty.

Inside.

If I were a material, I'd be cold metal
Ice to your touch
Ice to mine
So untouchable
And hurting from it everyday.

Lonely is a monster,
Crawling from under your everyday thoughts,
Slowly turning your mind upside down,
Making you wish for things to end.
For things to stop.
Lonely hasn't got a shape; it forms itself through your fears and weaknesses.

Lonely is a monster,
Destroying you from within,
A designed killer with a wicked power,
Entering your head and spreading dark lies,
Hoping to find some release in your pain.

Lonely is a monster,
Feeding on your insecurities and your failures,
Wishing for more.

Lonely is a monster,
Moving its tentacles around in your head, searching for fears,
Looking for more.

Lonely is a monster,
A lonely monster, created by you, fed by you, controlled by you.
You give it its power to destroy you,
You give it all it needs to live and settle within you.

Lonely is a monster, a representation of all that you feel,
Your concerns,
Your pain,
Your weakness,
The dark side of you.

Lonely is a monster,
Looking for company,
Looking for someone to break the monster,
To change it into a person,
To make you appear.

Lonely is a monster,
A sad monster,
A weak monster,
A scared monster,
A hurt monster,
A monster that wishes to be something else,
Something that can be loved and cherished,
Loved and cherished,
Loved and cherished.

Lonely is burning a hole through my heart
Lonely is burning my soul to the core
Lonely hits me hard everynight
When everything around me is silent
When everything around me is dark and menacing
I have no one to hide behind
     I have no choice but to confront my monsters
They watch me with sympathy
Turning around teasing me surrounding me everywhere they are everywhere and I can't breathe but I don't know how to talk and how my body is disconnected from my soul and I try I try to breathe but it's silent my heart my heart my heart doesn't work it doesn't ring in my hear I have no heart I am frozen and they are closing in on my they are everywhere I can see them closing on me so close so close so close so so close they are all coming so close
And I can't take a breath
Lonely is choking me up
Lonely is making me weak
Lonely is winning the war
I have no one to save me
Lonely cannot be defeated
For as long as I am alone
And lonely has written its name
Along my body
Along my heart
With fierce, burning flames
My saving grace lies within the 7 billion people on this planet
But lonely is gaining ground all the way to my eyes
Burning a path down my cheeks
And crashing down with rage and pain
My heart feels the burn and my soul
My soul
My soul doesn't know where to hide
Or who to talk to
The guilt is lapping at her
WIth her burning tongue she
Reminds me that it is up to me to create relationships with other people
And my soul has no one to blame but herself and the shame, the pain…
… is like an open wound that cannot be healed, for it is not a physical wound
But a psychological pain drenched with the salt of my tears
Lonely has made its home in her heart
And tears are the only ones that get to escape the forteress of loneliness
That her body has become
Everynight she prays to a God she doesn't believe in anymore
And everynight her heart is getting stronger
Her mind is weaker
Because lonely has a mind of its own.
And its pushes me down
Drowns me in
Drowns me down
The salt of my tears

Injecte des mots dans mes veines
Emplis mon coeur de passion
Je suis ton jardin d'Eden
Un esprit d'illusion

Observe les étoiles dans mon regard
Et la promesse des mots sérieux
Ne te moque pas de mon ******
Je n'ai pas le temps de me perdre dans tes yeux

Donne moi le temps de souffrir
Pour comprendre la valeur d'un sourire
Je ne suis pas une guerrière
Bien qu'en contestent mes blessures dernières

Invente-moi un poème
Sous la lumière de la lune
Je t'en prie reste toi-même
Ton ombre est une importune

Elle n'a jamais sur parler le language de ton âme
Ou de ton corps en flamme
Elle ne connaît pas la lumière qui émane de toi
Ni la sureté que tu me procure en me prenant dans tes bras

Je n'ai pas besoin de ta protection
Si seulement tu me proposais l'option
Des mensonges sur tes lèvres lorsque tu ne comprends pas
Que la seule chose dont j'ai besoin chaque nuit, c'est toi

Tu m'accuses de prendre trop de place
Dans ton cœur protégé d'une cuirasse
Je ne sais pas comment briser le bouclier autour de ta peur
Et chaque jour un peu plus je me meurs

De toi
Du son de ta voix
De ta présence tout près de moi
Je me rétracte doucement
Vers l'ombre que j'ai rejetée
Ton cœur n'a rien de flamboyant
J'ai compris que tu l'avais brûlé