Sometimes I try
I swear I try
To be happy
To be carefree
But then reality snaps back
Like the elastic band
Put on their wrists to help them
When they want to cut
And I'm reminded of all the things
That make me sad
Like the hugs I don't get
The kisses no one gives me
The soft words I need to hear so badly
The arm which should hold me close at night
Never have I considered ending my life
But in these times
These lonely times
I remember life is all about love and
Sharing
Things whith those you care about
And I realize
I'm
So
****
Lonely.
My heart is so full of things I want to say
Things I want to write
Things I want to shout
Things I want to sing
Things I want to say
So heavy with emotions
And yet I never pick up a blade because
I own a pen
And I write away to ease the ache
I wish I could be more optimistic
More artistic
Write more, create more, do more
BE more.
But I'm just me
And I am doing the best I can
As I am
Even though sometimes it's hard
Even for me
To open up to myself
And to let myself write down what needs to be said
I want to ink it all down
Until I can't feel my hand anymore
Until my head is empty of
words


(I just wish there was more to say.)

I am exactly the way you left me
In the wintery day you said I wasn't worthy
The snow has turned me to ice
Like the words spit from your lips turned my heart to glass
So easily shattered
Icebergs of the past revealing the truth of thousands of years in hiding
Brittle bones and DNA
As if you didn't know pain is only temporary
But traces of love last forever
No matter how broken I am
Memories of completeness linger at the back of my mind
Surface back in my dreams like ice cubes in water
Slowly dissolving, transparent and ever changing
Ever alive
A few deep breaths and I see smoke
From the dragon lungs I own
Since the day you turned my heart to ashes
And every season it burst aflame again
Each time a breath comes out
So does the smoke from my burned spirit
And I am back on track
Not the girl I once was
But stronger and weaker at the same time
Strong, lonely and sad… just like you
Hard to love
And be loved
Hard to break
Too tough for you
Sparks flew then it was over
And the only memories I own are those the flames consumed
With burning passion the love evaporated in the heat
Just like the breath of life
I insuflated in your lungs
With my cold cold soul
I am exactly the way you left me
And moving on isn't easy

I believe a lot of people lie about liking being alone.
No one really wants to be alone.
It's a way to protect oneself, not a way to live.
It's a statement.
Being alone says:
"I can handle myself, I can take care of myself."
But it also means:
"I have nothing to hold on to.
I have no on to care about.
I am lonely.
I am hiding it, but I need rescuing.
I appear like I seek loneliness
But I am fooling each and everyone of you.
I am only seeking company."

Things are so much harder
When all your feelings are bottled up
And you don't know what's keeping them inside
But
You can't get them out
And everything inside you amplifies and hurts ten times more than if you would
Just
Write
But you can't
And you don't know why
It's so hard
Because nothing you want to say comes up and nothing you do feels right
And it's just
So
Hard
To keep on being human
To live like everyone else
You don't feel like everyone else. You feel different. Sadder.
Almost like the only thing that could save you was hiding away from you.
Your writing.
Your love for words is there but your inspiration is

G
O
N
E

It's hidden somewhere
In the depths of your soul
It's hiding from something you haven't yet discovered.
It's hiding well.
You wonder for how long it will hurt.

You tell me it's okay
I should enjoy that
When you bash my head in with a baseball bat
And my skull splits open
With ideas of what a relationship should be
And you step all over my ideals
They turn into blood
And seep through the floor and into the ground
Forever feeding the seeds of violence.

You are the wind and the sea
You are the sun and the stars
You are everything
When I look around all I see is
Everything reminds me of you I am
Lost in translation
No words can describe
You
Are not a three letter word
Or a sound in someone's mouth
You
Are not a simple pronoun used to be refered to
You
Are the galaxy in my universe
The ray of sunshine on a rainy day
You
Are not an exact definition of the word
You
Are so much more than
You
Do not know what it is like to be
Me
A simple two letter word which is never
A sound in someone's mouth I
Am not recognizable or worthy of attention
I
Am slowly disappearing into oblivion
I
Am a one letter word never used in any way
I
Am neither one or the other
I
Used to believe I would be a part of
Them
But I do not exist in their eyes
I
Am only a one letter word and
They
Are so much more than I could ever hope to be
You
Can grow one letter bigger but
I
Am to far away from
You
So I cease my useless efforts because
I
Am only a one letter word
Which is never relevant as it is never used
My mouth never opens to make me appear
Behind the mask of silence I hide my name
I
Am not only a one letter word but
I feel like an unsignificant piece of life
I
Do not want to disappear but
Who am I?
A one letter word in a silent mouth attached to an invisible soul.

You don't get to call me out on my actions
You don't know me at all
You don't know I lost my soul to the devil spying on me
Watching from the ceiling my life pass by
In the bed where I lay
Still
Silent
A statue as strong as the universe
As heavy as the weight of the world
When the sun comes up and down
Bashing me in sunlight only to dim the light
Until nothing is left but darkness
And in those moments of quiet restlessness
I stay silent and let my mind drift to places
Where hidden monsters peek from underneath my healthy mind
Filling my head with thoughts as dark as the night
And I see it
The light at the end of the tunnel
The escape I can't run to
Without sharing my last breath with the empty space next to me
Where you were supposed to appear
To take all my worries away
And lift me in the sky
With the force of your bare heart
Lifting my spirit up in space  where I look up to see you
But you are nowhere to be found
And I am nowhere to be
And the stars won't answer me
They blink and watch upon my story
With a frown upon their faces
Wondering when I will be strong enough
To join them.
And that is why you don't know a thing about me
You don't know my ribcage is empty
You don't know my world is my poetry
You don't know and it doesn't matter
You are nothing to me as I am a shell without a heart
Disappeared years ago in the night
Where I would hold your hand and pray for you
A rescue, a bandaid to my pain
But I bled and ruined you
And now you're gone.