Deep in the night
darkness surrounds,
I walk, my lonely walk;
in the infinity above,
twinkle stars in millions,
smiling lazily, a half moon
winks at sleepless me,
night breeze sweeps by
kissing my wide eyes.

The world sleeps,
I walk on,
enchanted by the beauty
that night beholds,
awake I will remain
a company to the sky,
I've heard her call
to be by her side,
to sing the song
of her starlit, silver beams,  
I cannot sleep
cannot miss
the magic of this night.

Oh my soul,
so restless today
like the fluttering wings of the dove
before it soars to the sky,
like the rustle of leaves
before the gusty wind,
like the calm of the sea
before the gale comes
like the stillness of the cloudy sky,
before summer storm breaks,
like the hush of winter snow
before spring enters with songs,
like the deepest breath
announcing the end.

Oh my soul
be restless as you please,
patiently I wait
for all that your restless will bring.

Shuttling between foster homes
life shaped me
to who I am,
while love and hypocrisy
played hide and seek
I drowned my real self.

Now I stand
on the road's end
looking for directions,
while passers by
stare at me
asking each other,
'Lost sanity, isn't she?'

I look on
baleful eyes
silent and wondering:
if life gave me choices,
where would I stand?


'

I no longer say
"I miss  you"
though you are seven seas away.

Don't be upset
for
you are never far
from my heart,
so
how can I miss you?

There's this thing you know
have tried million ways
to clean
hard detergents, dry wash
home and laundromat
and other ways
tried to erase
to delete
but know not
what will work
on this stain, a mark
its so deep
inside
somewhere in my heart.

Advice please,
do you know
how marks of betrayal
can fade? ©

This is the tragedy you see,
he will never be
as I dream him to be
never feel the warmth that I do
never lie beside me
nor feel this closeness
in soul and body
for
he will never be
near to me, skin to skin
to radiate life within
when bodies blend
beyond barriers of being,
nor look me in the eyes
to seek this light
spreading with his touch.

It will never be you see,
for he sits on my throne
while I sit near his feet.
I look up for  light,
he never bends down
for he seeks not
what's unknown to him
a darkness that never broke.

It will never be
this new moon
will never be a full moon.
It will not be, not be
I wish I could believe
what reality is shouting at me
that hope has no life
in the futility of my pleas.

At times hypocrites get me
appraising glances, loving words
all the time, all around.
But I know
that really they are;
sugar coated poison.

I open my heart
hear birds' twitter
words of love,
open my eyes, see
flowers dancing with the wind,
all embrace me
with magical words.

My whole being lifts
to unknown heights;
a pure delight,
feeling loved,
so truthfully, so completely
by LIFE.
This pulsating energy
captures me
loves me with total honesty.

Out from my castle
far from the madding crowd,
on the bare earth
nobody around
yet,
I feel so loved!

Let death come
bringing smiles on my lips,
taking the last breath,
happy , knowing life was good
having lived the best of self,
intentions clear with the Creator
He, who sees me through
knows all too well.

Let death come
the smile on my icy face
bring tears to others' faces
warming their hearts,
for they hold me dear
deep in the fondness lane
yet cry from the heart.

Let death come
with irony and dance,
I shall leave in peace
and bid adieu
between tears and smiles.
©

I'm silent today
who do I talk to?

The wind is not blowing
not whistling or singing
the songs and lullabies
so who do I talk to?

The rain is not falling
no thunders crashing
no raindrops pattering
on window panes
to knock and awake me
and so who do I talk to?

Tree by my window
stands silent
no birds or wind
to share untold tales
it seems to say sorry
for not having any company
and so who do I talk to?

There are people all around
they chatter like birds
shout like raging storms
but they don't listen,
really listen you know
to what I say.

And so whom do I talk to?
I'm quiet today.

Reality *****
it drains me out,
but and then at times
it gives strength
like a match stick
to spark flames
like a key
turning on engine
and
carries me to the summit.

If tears came in colors
tonight they are red
coming down my eyes
like rivers and streams
rushing to the sea
seeking solace.

Those ****** tears
coming in torrents
are emotional wounds
burst  unconstrained
and spitting pains
like a volcano
spraying ashes and fire
into the infinity.

But
unlike lava taking over lands
this sadness  
will take the blue of oceans
and make them bleed
till water droplets rise
and fall back to earth
yet again
and for once
you will see some red rain.

I am sad today
let me cry.

too many bad memories crowd
in the chapter of the past,
want to erase
no eraser works,
want to delete
keyboard doesn't click,
drink wine
to be out for the night,
gin, red wine, champagne  
none work,
sleeping pills give nightmares
of those past days.

I am chained
to bad memories,
please past
go, go away
and let me live
in freedom
a day without you
for just a day.

Uniformed guards
stand like soldiers
ready to pounce
on intruders
you sit surrounded
by multiple walls,
security buttons and lights
blinking red, green, blue
beep, beep, beep go some
will scream like hyena
if one dares come
unknown,
surveillance cameras
show nooks and corners
even ants can't cross
unseen.

Yet, security seems nil
for you're insecure inside.
None can heal,
until you really find
yourself in your inner world.

This darknes
can’t be lit
by sunlight, moon
candles,
 bulbs
of 100 wts or more.

I’m lost
walking blindly
stumbling, falling,
waiting for you
to hold my hand
and lead the way.

The darkness
in my being
can only be lit
by the one
holding my dreams.

I wear this wedding ring
But I really don't know why
never thought really
until you asked,
the ring is there, sure thing
but where is the marriage?

No one looks into my heart
eyes falling on the diamond ring,
they see the "taken" sign
in assumption retreat,
perfect gentleman
respecting ******* of this kind.

I wait,
maybe some day
someone will see beyond
what social etiquette means,
see a heart in that ring,
look into my eyes
read the feelings behind,
dare to invade
and become my knight
in shining armor,
conquer sleeping feelings
beneath that stone.

Captive in my ring
I am a chrysalis,
the butterfly trembles
waiting to fly,
who will see
beyond my wedding ring?

Ego dear,
where are you taking me?

Pray, no first class rides
with pomp and show
with trumpets  blowing
as we go.
You and I,
as you know
have to live tomorrows.

So,
while I want my simple ways
quietly bear my days
and I will carry you well
without false veils.

My Ego,
you and me
let us live in harmony.

Wish
so badly at times
that bad memories
haunting ones
that keep replaying
after long nights of wine
and antidepressants.
would leave me alone
and go away.

Wish
I could  click them to 'Trash'
like spam mails, or
click the 'Delete' button
on my laptop
as I do with  unwanted journals,
sure that the mother board
would do its work
while I start fresh, every day.

I know I'm forever lying
when I say
I want just one more breath,
in truth, I want
more than one,
in fact
want to go on breathing,
forever,
in total honesty
I want
countless breaths.
God,  how can I be
a liar to myself?

Time, how could it be
you befriend me,
promise me life
and then,
when my heart pauses,
too weary to go on,
you do not wait,
but flow on.

You will never look back
even if my heart stops,
I love you time
but you love me not.

earliest dreams
of a little girl
held demons
fairies and kings

fifty years later
they are same.
only
all more real
and have different names

dreams in deathbed
may be same,
rulers and ruled
chasing each other
in peoples' names.

real dream
sleeping remained
and freedom never came.

A moment ago wind was raging
over my beautiful valley
knocking on window panes
waking me
not to tomorrow, but
to yesterdays of long ago.

I was little then
and wind blew strong
and scared of storms
in Ma's lap I'd hide
begging it to go away.

These days though
I ask the wind to go
not for fear
but the memories
that it brings:
a blessed childhood
that won't be  back,
so wind, let it go
don't remind me so
or knock on my heart's door.

Didn't know
to laugh or cry
sailing in the Pacific
as clouds floated by
and mountains calling
for daring rides.

Looking around
at human forms
tears and smiles
I longed
to be a part of it all,
like one life
with countless wings

I stood still,
where to go?
I didn't know
and
don't know, still.

Midnight bells go
ears strain, eyes wide
Sleep, where are you?
Facebook, You Tube
insomniac's delight
take me in arms
cradle me but no use,
Sleep clicks heels with tango.

Passing breeze by the window
parts my curtains
outside, a silhouette stands,
a tree, a mystic form
against the night sky,
with rustling sounds
singing me lullabies.

I stare out
as eyelids heavy grow,
but the soul roams
with the moonlit night
till the body slows
and sleep comes.

Facebook, You Tube
faithfully play on
and dreams hang
on a  buffer zone.

full moon stares
from a cloudless sky
night crickets drone
on and on
an owl hoots
to answer a fox
and serenading it all
my sleepless eyes
will not close tonight
not all.

Sky is painted blue
with or without you.
Looking endlessly
at the infinity,
I am with you
for,
your eyes are
cornflower blue.
If I look at the sky
it stares down at me
just like you
and opens its arms
to take me.

Life is shaping me
to be what I should be,
it shaped me
for what I am
it did hammer and chisel
in the past
shaping the being I was.

Wonder though
what does this sculptor
has on mind
to reshape me finally into what?

I will not know
for the last breath will still be
taking life's blows.

I am no fleshy being,
no blood or veins have I,
am light or energy,
like all living things.

The core of Earth
***** me in,
I'm hurling down, down,
no rocks or soil
stop me
till I touch the crust
the core
the lava and
then up I go
spit like volcanic fire,
high, higher
up till the sun,
moon and stars
take me in
and then I spread
as a light
another living being
in the infinity of the sky.

Thus, I exist
beyond a physical  being,
try to feel me
with the wind.

There's calmness within me
like a quiet sea,
no hushing or rushing sounds
no waves crashing
but a massive body of blue
rolling, rolling
yet there's
deep growling
echoing from the seabed.

Today
I hold peace
like a pause,
a hold on breath,
like the silence
preceding screams,
or the serenity
before a storm,
or the final sigh
before death descends.

I am scared
petrified,
of raging hurricanes
following my solitude.

Falling, falling, falling
  swirling, twirling
     brown, yellow, red
          leaves falling
            falling to the ground
               the earth calling
                    calling, calling
                       grasses fading
                           flowers dying,
                              pumpkin, Halloween
                               hey, fall’s calling!

                                  We’re joining
                                   seen, unseen
                                    seasonal decaying
                                       beginning, ending                                      
                                         eternity onwards going
                                          never backing,
                                          inhaling, exhaling
                                           hearts waiting, waiting
                                           smiling, smiling
                                              spring will be coming!

Once a baby
and then old
huff and puff,
the mid ones knit brows
troubled thoughts.

Lack of energy
limited spirit
hold oldies back
while babies haven't got it yet.

Middle wonder, this energy:
baby: it should grow faster
the old: should decrease slower.

Neither baby, nor the old
could really explain
a paradox really
true confusion.

The shoe pinches
for the wearer.

Her Majesty,
Rainy Sky
lifted her gray gown high
and out came golden stilettos
bathed in twilight
dancing on setting sun.

Wind held her hand
as my queen danced
drifting happily in waltz
towards the paradise
they went
through the gate of  rainbow.

Weary, lonely, totally lost
I wonder why, why
this soliloquy,
the thought train
rambling on,
lifeless, aimless
a total nowhere,
for you
are not listening.

A futile day,
meaningless sunrise,
oh,
you didn't say,
"love you too."

Between sky and land
I am the emptiness
endless space
absorbing, reflecting
sunshine, wind, rain and hail,
sea, desert and volcano ;
accepting with serenity
all that is YOU
in the lightness of our being.

I have opened all the doors
countless doors of my heart,
spring, winter, summer, fall
through wind and rain
in snow and hail
fall and foliage
and when cuckoos call,
how long do I wait
for you to find
your way,
so that we become:
you and I
WE.

Ah, you are shocked, thrilled
or repelled,
I do not know.
But as I kiss you
my lips captures yours,
do you think
love is born just now?

It all began long ago
on the first sight of you,
the heart moved
but the physical being
came in slow.

The heart, the mind
kissed you long ago.

Over snow covered paths
I walk along,
the winter wind
like blades of steel
slicing right through.
My breaths freeze
deep in the lungs,
I gasp for air
but only snowflakes
gently, lovingly
engulf me
in their falling game.

Chilly winds caress
till I feel certain,
I’ve lost bones and flesh
to an icy built,
and  am united
with the frozen land.

Waves rushing towards the shore
big, bigger, high, higher
wanting to take over
what's coming
and suddenly
breaking into surf
giving in
to what waits
on the shore,

wind rising
growing stronger
raging, destructive,
like a mad man
hammering head
on a wall
but when over
giving up to
to the calmness
of  the summer day.

with the wind
and the sea
I am running
fast, faster,
know not
when I will fall
buckle down
to the ground
to end my flight
for once and all.

It’s cold outside
icy wind, freezing rain
and with snow coming in
Polar Vortex is giving
its hardest kisses again.

I open the door,
step out
breathe deeply
feel a chilly grip
on my heart,
but its good, soothing
for
there’s fire burning
in my betrayed heart.
I prefer freezing outside
than have cursed love
burn my body and soul
when I am inside.
Winter, kiss me, really hard.

I tiptoed into the house
lived in silence
like oxygen
giving life.

You heard
the door
banging shut
and realized
I was gone.

hey poetry, lovely words
good moods, sweet smiles
where have you gone?
Troublesome life washes away
waves of gladness
found in poems
and instead delivers sand
to my clear streams;
streams of happy thoughts.

Hey sweet poetry
please, turn around
come back to me.

They fell, the raindrops,
such a long journey
from the sky,
came happily
hoping to find
green land, clears seas,
they had a purpose
you know:
have to rise again
and join vapors
to bless the earth.

Alas, there was too much blood
to wash away
into sea,
from Paris, Mali and more.

Why the change
they wondered
from a peaceful Earth
to a restless world?

I don't know anyone else, but you
to tell that
when night deepens, I cry
tears come for no reason.
Perhaps I am in denial
of pains that I feel
or else, why does
my chest feel so heavy
even when I'm in my nylons?

On new moon nights
when pitch darkness descends
the tears come in torrents,
I can't hold them back
nor the nights,
so dear Poetry
hold me, just hold me
but don't ask me
why I cry.

Birth comes through warmth
as love is born amid feelings intense
and rain's source is in the evaporation
babies emerge from the warmth of wombs
while a seed germinates in a certain temperature.

And if death be cold,
is rain the death of water drops
rising out of the sea
and love is dies
when our feelings freeze?

A moment magnified
is life seen,
a smile answered
joy complete,
tears shared
sorrow divides,
a glimpse of you
is togetherness.

Its just me and you
a drop of hope
in my vast emptiness.

In this age of technology
when switches and buttons control all
I just wish, just wish
there was a control panel
to control my emotions
so I could laugh and cry
or hold on to my pensive moods
as I please.

This time of the year
its a different waiting.

When will tulips bloom,
and daffodils too
and the grasses will be green?
So that when you come,
your bare feet
will walk beside mine,
while we feel the cool blades
tickle our feet
we'll be lost for words
and lie down,
waiting for the spring breeze
wrapped in each others arms.

A different waiting indeed.

There is no poem today
only my silence
against the loud call of the eagle,
a hush
to greet the changing season.

Have been that way
long, as I recall,
paused in spaces
that offered love,
co-existing,
spreading light
to nooks and corners.

Unwanted, if I felt,
removed myself
in silence
holding my peace
in respect of life
however it came.

Ans so
I walked away
without a single,
backward glance.

You are crazy you know
just plain crazy,
telling me so many rules,
so many norms
filling my heart
with so many hopes and dreams.

You follow
telling me that,
love is fair and square
and then taking back
all the words
uttered in solemn promise
you desert me,
while alone I stand,
confused
with your sudden flip
to other side of the coin.

What am I to do
you crazy, crazy thing
when you take me in
in your elusive games?
For once, LIFE
please be straight
don't play your crazy games.

How do you fix feelings
that like melted butter
getting solid again
coil back to numb pains ?

What do you do
when feelings like
tasty frosting
taste salty
instead of sugary
and creamy
hmmmmm...
taste like salty grime?

How do you
fix a pizza
with too much salt in
you can't throw it
in the bin
for hunger gnaws
in terrible pains.

What do you do
if you want to throw out
that inedible cake
but have to swallow it all?

What do you do
when the life you live
is not what you wish
but have to keep breathing?

Take sleeping pills
go to sleep
and never wake up
is that what you do?

Shhhhh
but you can't tell anyone
never, never
till you see or not see me again.