I can't cry like I need to.
Something is begging to be let out,
but I can't identify it.
I can't write about it.
I can't help myself knowing what this will all come to anyway.
Self fulfilling prophecy seeking
not even knowing what that means.
Wishing to startle and scare those
aching for a difference
just to get a reaction
not caring one bit if I come off as mean or
spiteful or
vindictive.
I welcome the beauty of the negative.
The truth has been in the back of my thoughts.
It doesn't want to come out.
It smiles at my pain.
I try to cause more to compete.
I always have to fight
combat
even if it's just with myself.
Wanting those that love me most
to look at me with disgust
asking why I would even bother
that feels like my true self right now.
I have never allowed myself to explode fully.
Kneading at the need for release.
Clawing at the corners of my existence.
Swaying back and forth repeating nonsense.
None of this makes any sense.
What am I?
Scribbles and scratches of what once was.
I mourn with no feeling.
I go through the daily motions like I should.
With fog in my eyes and ice in my heart.
I watch as I know what should be my path.
Recognizing the signs, choosing not to turn.
I keep walking on the wrong side of the tracks.
I don't ever intend to look back.
I have outgrown and grown old.
The me in this outcome has no substance.
But something is rising.
Over it, I have no control.
I will be let known when the time comes.
For that I can actually feel one thing
Terrified.
I crave to be alone if I so choose.
But to be left alone I just can't stand.
Dying to be bound and left under water.
I don't think I can handle my thoughts any longer.

Our story only ever being always unfinished
Knowing what I have longed for is right around the corner
Never having the courage to lift the veil
Of what I have always thought to be...

There are so many reasons not to
might even be easier that way
but there is something stirring in me
deeper than I have ever let myself go

but do I say so

Sleep all day and I'm tired when I wake up
Juggling the same thoughts that are longing to be forgotten
My tendencies focus on
the negative
the useless
an equation led by conditioning no doubt
resulting in thinking I'm less than nothing
when I know I have so much to offer
but a life dragged on by sadness
is all I've ever known.

With so much hate and fear
puzzling the pieces of me
when I thought there was nothing left
but a stubborn tough front
to my dismay I have discovered
there are reasons
waiting to be understood
for the way I am.

I just wish I knew what I was waiting for...

Ever so slowly...
Starting to feel like myself again
It seems the smallest things
can make me smile
Let me sink
into my skin
All the anxiety
Won't let it get to me
In the end it's not my style
No longer longing
Only belonging
in this moment
Mine.

Something isn't right here
if I squint my eyes and
take a deep breath
it's almost like I could just forget
that this whole time has been spent
aching for you
but it never was you really
how the hell could it be
just an idea
and I made it such a good one
which is why I always kept trying

Something doesn't smell right
I smell getting used to
never really trying
because you know I'm always around
My love for you was Somewhere Bound
I guess it just got lost in translation
that is how you got yourself
so **** ingrained
into my soul
I had always wanted a sister
but that requires talking, ever

Honestly I'm sorry
you never got to know me
and in the end
it's all on you.

I can barely breathe
the passion is dripping
past my defenses
I wish I could tell you

it has never left.

Even though you did
not once but twice
and picked up the pieces
walked over the stones

in your path that we kept.

You made something new
to be honest I'm jealous of you
I wish I could distance
myself and my heart

but I've still only wept.

Yet I hope for the best
I crave that you say
words that need to be said
take the lead,

for my love has never left.

To my future
All I see
Is empty

Blank space

Quiet sighs
Of disappointment

All I've ever felt the need for is guidance
Not able to shoulder my burden on my own
Not knowing the right questions to ask
Never having a hand to hold

Most people fear what I feel surrounding
The dark and the silent I dance in
To drift would be so easy
Yet it would break everything I have built

I have the courage but lack the design
Of a mind for cleanliness
Could never leave another to my mess
So here. I am.

Yet how do I be...

Out for help I cry
My screams making no sound
Imagining a way to die
The blood in my ears pound

Resentful is how I'd describe
The way I feel about my life
Thrown at me with no second glance
Not wanted, nor asked for this chance

Yet here am I
Then, what, is being
Stare with dead eyes
But truly seeing.

Standing my ground
While the winds flow right through me
Enveloped by the night
The cold no longer bothers me
I seek it out willingly

As I lean back
To sleep for eternity.

What is left to consider
Where you think I'm resisting
I'm testing the resilience
You don't have to drag anything out
It's all there directly under the surface
All you have to do is swim.

I find myself too often
complaining on the daily
about the broken world in which we live
where violence is easy

The other day I caught myself
in a moment of being happy
feeling lucky about
being able to trust again

I find freedom in reliance
in the mutual agreement
to cherish someone to the fullest
I found our sacred place

The string that connects us
even over distance
the ease in which it all fell into place
was honestly magnificent

Sometimes it hurts when I can't describe
how vast my love for you really is
so deep and sweet and beautifully natural
like dark chocolate and violins

I'm discovering myself
while talking to you every day
but as I start to feel brand new
stretching and fluttering my wings
I keep hitting that crash landing

These are my dreams
You are making them come true
and sometimes I still can't believe
that I am one for you too

I see the difference
the path you now walk on
how important it is that you stay moving
you see all the small details
yet you fly right by me

I've been here
I'll be here

I don't even know what it is that I should do
but I know you
and I can do this.

Love is love.
Yet I love it.
After all this time it still drives me.
I don't need it, like air
I can observe it from over there
Go on with my day, like any other.
But I seek it and want it and
see fire when I fall

I've been beaten, ******, and blue
But I won't believe that it's true
That it's no big deal
That I'm making it into something it's not

The very first rule
has been broken
that you made
in the first place.

When waking up in the morning
is all that I can do sometimes
when breathing hurts so badly
when I know I cannot cry
because I will not stop.

My faith in being honest never wavers
no matter how many souls
lie to
cheat on
deceive
leave
prey on
abuse
ghost


In love I still believe
but I think you have finally convinced me.

You may feel backed in a corner
but I have no way out.

Just a simple



I miss you



Would be nice.

I no longer have the energy
you have taken it from me
to lift my fingers
to motivate the string
of words that used to flow so easy

I have cried myself dry
I no longer see why
I should keep believing.

It is not
that I have no faith in people
that I won't be close to them
any of them

or that I think I can find it again
I just don't want to
my focus is elsewhere
life is about wherever that takes me

but then here you are
didn't even wish for this
and if you ever asked me...
...that is.

The moonlight is somehow pink
but only in the air around me
somehow I wish you were still here
even though I know there is far
too much that will never be said
no matter how badly I want to

Everybody hurts me when they leave
and in the end, they all do
but so far none has left me hollow
quite the way it did when I walked away
and still, it feels like being ripped apart
from something I've realized I never knew

The balance has shifted and fallen
my potential left untouched
what I need is ignored
what I have to give
being slowly forgotten
who will find me?

or shall I simply disappear?

I didn't know nearly enough
of Things I Wish I Knew About You
But that wouldn't have stopped me from trying.

You've changed me.
I didn't even know what I was looking for
when I found you.

When you thought you were too much
I just think about all the time we had
I could have always had more

I don't know how, but you match me
made me smile when I forgot how to laugh
raised my standards when I was at my lowest
raising my spirits to see your shine

Lately I've been questioning everything
going through all of this blind
but I would never forgive myself

if I were to just let this fade away.

I may not know everything there is to know
Who says that I need to
I just know you set my soul on fire.

You started something
then you finished it
I have no regrets

I will always miss you.

I write them
I look back
Scattered pieces across every single one of them
There you are
In my thoughts left unexpressed
In all words better left unsaid
Still not sure how this could happen
Not only once but all over again
And yet I rewind myself daily
To remember
That the next time
Love stumbles my way
To close my eyes
Dive in head first
As if I never have before.

I am lonely.
Solitary, confined, empty.
Alive, warm, home.
I am lucky.
This I know.

But this endless middle ground
habitual uncertainty
all I want is to be found
will he or won't he
and I sink beneath the ground
sickening to say the least
somewhere inside I have a voice
but not one soul is around
no one left to ask me.

Once again I'm drawn within
I see with blurry eyes
their plane crashed and I die inside
for a love I have never known
and maybe never will.

I observe as he gets mad
not knowing what to say
it makes me laugh because I know
he loves her every day
as time passes they will grow
while being side by side
and I am left just by myself
swimming against the tide.

There was a time their life was threatened
and they could have lost it all
but now it seems she's lost to us
so our hearts will take the fall.
The love they share is like no other
holding onto what is real
I dream about it on the daily
pink and blue is what I feel.

My mind hangs on by a thread.
As each day comes to an end.
Going over what was said.
People care, but aren't aware.
Avoid and swerve, as if I care,
I'm reaching out, but nothing's there.

I live in the past
romanticizing the ways
when people hurt
and inevitably
left
I thought I understood
I thought it was just a matter of time
missing them terribly
but somehow never
asking myself why

I found some old forgotten pictures
of myself in moments previously
entirely lost and hard to hold onto
sneaky smiles
optimism or hope
some pain as if
asking my future self
to stop before it was too late
(spoiler I didn't)

then I caught one
where my most honest form
shone through everything else
yes I wasted time
indeed I made mistakes
but how have I gone this long
without knowing
I am in fact worthy
I belong here
I am good

I actually danced tonight
like nobody was watching
because that is where I am
in the shadows, kept secret.

But I am my own and I prefer it that way
I feel lighter now that I know the truth
I choose now not to look back
for if I slow down I just might drown.

Shadows cast upon me in the moonlight
The cold is friendly and chills me to the bone
Adventure is always calling me
But I will stay right here