Remove
Recover
Resolve
Replace
Relocate
Relapse
Rebound
Recycle
R­ewind
Rewire
Relearn
Refund
Rekindle
Resound
Respond
Renegade
Rel­ax
Rinse
Repeat.

It always seems to be a linear thing
but the way it feels is so no longer
bubbling in discombobulated emotions
I could sit here forever
the truth would still be the same
I grew so timid of the normal
peeking through my fingers
at the thought of being seen
judgments and routine
getting the better of me
I now recognize
not what lay before me
but who I'll be
walking through time.

Things play back in my head a whole lot
whether or not I give them permission to
I try and shut the blinds close my eyes
but they keep on poking through
this time around it's not as scary
just groundbreaking and unsettling
you are alien to me because you are healthy
a change for me I can't see happening
what truth lies before me
is past continually unraveling
I have been ruined by others
emotionally sore rotten to the core
waiting for
something to push me forward
I was always aware of the lessons
that I needed to go through
but slower than I ever handled
because I realized no one else was worth it
but you...
my shell had grown hard
always accustomed to defense
built tiny fences growing tall
protecting myself from it all
enjoying solitude until made to feel small
useless worthless pointless ruthless
I have let my dear fear hold me back from
basically everything
white-knuckled, foam-at-the-mouth
to my bad habits, I cling
but still the universe aligned
with what stirred in the back of my mind
you were right about taking this time
but I can't live this way, not anymore
I have no idea who this is turning me into
but that is not really the point.

I can't cry like I need to.
Something is begging to be let out,
but I can't identify it.
I can't write about it.
I can't help myself knowing what this will all come to anyway.
Self fulfilling prophecy seeking
not even knowing what that means.
Wishing to startle and scare those
aching for a difference
just to get a reaction
not caring one bit if I come off as mean or
spiteful or
vindictive.
I welcome the beauty of the negative.
The truth has been in the back of my thoughts.
It doesn't want to come out.
It smiles at my pain.
I try to cause more to compete.
I always have to fight
combat
even if it's just with myself.
Wanting those that love me most
to look at me with disgust
asking why I would even bother
that feels like my true self right now.
I have never allowed myself to explode fully.
Kneading at the need for release.
Clawing at the corners of my existence.
Swaying back and forth repeating nonsense.
None of this makes any sense.
What am I?
Scribbles and scratches of what once was.
I mourn with no feeling.
I go through the daily motions like I should.
With fog in my eyes and ice in my heart.
I watch as I know what should be my path.
Recognizing the signs, choosing not to turn.
I keep walking on the wrong side of the tracks.
I don't ever intend to look back.
I have outgrown and grown old.
The me in this outcome has no substance.
But something is rising.
Over it, I have no control.
I will be let known when the time comes.
For that I can actually feel one thing
Terrified.
I crave to be alone if I so choose.
But to be left alone I just can't stand.
Dying to be bound and left under water.
I don't think I can handle my thoughts any longer.