Shiloh

Shiloh Dec 2015

Cassie.

Your voice is like a waterfall
I envy the way you smile
focus
on things that are never in the forefront
your fingers dancing in the wind
like you can see the soundwaves
or hear the colors of others thoughts
there is loaded silence in so many people
you know the unspoken words in ****** expressions
always finding a reason to be happy
even though not many really pay attention
you've grown used to that
always in the background
observing
riding a wavelength all your own
I have a lot I can learn from you
to grow into myself
I'm grateful for your creation.

Inspired by Cassie from the U.K. Skins.

Shiloh Dec 2015

Met·a·mor·pho·sis

Things play back in my head a whole lot
whether or not I give them permission to
I try and shut the blinds close my eyes
but they keep on poking through
this time around it's not as scary
just groundbreaking and unsettling
you are alien to me because you are healthy
a change for me I can't see happening
what truth lies before me
is past continually unraveling
I have been ruined by others
emotionally sore rotten to the core
waiting for
something to push me forward
I was always aware of the lessons
that I needed to go through
but slower than I ever handled
because I realized no one else was worth it
but you...
my shell had grown hard
always accustomed to defense
built tiny fences growing tall
protecting myself from it all
enjoying solitude until made to feel small
useless worthless pointless ruthless
I have let my dear fear hold me back from
basically everything
white-knuckled, foam-at-the-mouth
to my bad habits, I cling
but still the universe aligned
with what stirred in the back of my mind
you were right about taking this time
but I can't live this way, not anymore
I have no idea who this is turning me into
but that is not really the point.

Libby is responsible for this, couldn't sleep because she was pulling me towards these words, started to write then I saw she came back on here herself.
I love this woman.

Shiloh Sep 2015

Reserved Restraint.

I can't cry like I need to.
Something is begging to be let out,
but I can't identify it.
I can't write about it.
I can't help myself knowing what this will all come to anyway.
Self fulfilling prophecy seeking
not even knowing what that means.
Wishing to startle and scare those
aching for a difference
just to get a reaction
not caring one bit if I come off as mean or
spiteful or
vindictive.
I welcome the beauty of the negative.
The truth has been in the back of my thoughts.
It doesn't want to come out.
It smiles at my pain.
I try to cause more to compete.
I always have to fight
combat
even if it's just with myself.
Wanting those that love me most
to look at me with disgust
asking why I would even bother
that feels like my true self right now.
I have never allowed myself to explode fully.
Kneading at the need for release.
Clawing at the corners of my existence.
Swaying back and forth repeating nonsense.
None of this makes any sense.
What am I?
Scribbles and scratches of what once was.
I mourn with no feeling.
I go through the daily motions like I should.
With fog in my eyes and ice in my heart.
I watch as I know what should be my path.
Recognizing the signs, choosing not to turn.
I keep walking on the wrong side of the tracks.
I don't ever intend to look back.
I have outgrown and grown old.
The me in this outcome has no substance.
But something is rising.
Over it, I have no control.
I will be let known when the time comes.
For that I can actually feel one thing
Terrified.
I crave to be alone if I so choose.
But to be left alone I just can't stand.
Dying to be bound and left under water.
I don't think I can handle my thoughts any longer.

Sep 2015

Edna St. Vincent Millay

And You As Well Must Die, Beloved Dust

And you as well must die, beloved dust,
And all your beauty stand you in no stead;
This flawless, vital hand, this perfect head,
This body of flame and steel, before the gust
Of Death, or under his autumnal frost,
Shall be as any leaf, be no less dead
Than the first leaf that fell,—this wonder fled.
Altered, estranged, disintegrated, lost.
Nor shall my love avail you in your hour.
In spite of all my love, you will arise
Upon that day and wander down the air
Obscurely as the unattended flower,
It mattering not how beautiful you were,
Or how beloved above all else that dies.

Shiloh Sep 2015

Victory.

Once again you have won.
Not my heart this time, but the sanctity of my soul.
I am my own enemy in my mind.
Easily bothered, can't be touched,
acting like I want to lash out at everyone...
This is ******.
I can clearly see, how I am supposed to be
the actual being inside that screams.
I knowingly know change is the only constant.
But I can't move, breathe or see things clearly.
My Self is forcing its own reflection.
It was easy to erase you from my life.
Ever since that moment, it's all been bright.
I can taste the edge of happiness,
I recognize the idea once again.
However the nightmares creep ever closer.
You seep into the cracks of my night.
I may have won by losing you.
But you have successfully destroyed who I want to be.

Shiloh Aug 2015

Janelle

she whispers to me, like it's a secret
but we both know that it's not
she hums with desire

the beauty in her black has long left me in awe
with so many wounds she finds the strength
to get up and smile through the beautiful days

she does it all so flawlessly, soaked with class
her laugh vibrates within me
I've longed to get in between her ripped up fishnets

there is no one on earth like her
with all the good lighting up her heart
it makes me realize this cant be the first time

we have wiggled in many lives
for souls like hers never die
she's my sister, all you other ******* ain't got ****.

she turns eighteen today, loving us in many ways
I hope she get's what I'm trying to say
in my sloppy, ragged poetic mind

she whispers to me, like it's a secret
but we both know that it's not
"I'm awesome." she says.

"I've always known." I whisper back.

Shiloh Jul 2015

Disconnect.

you say you feel disconnected
do you really wonder why?
all you talk about is what I owe you
I've had it with your filthy lies

so just in case you are left
with your ******* thumb up your ***
here is what went down:
to put it simply...

you helped me realize my dreams
only to dangle them in front of me
to have one up, to feel the bigger man
all you have actually gained is
fear and disrespect
I loathe you, never have I been able to
fully say that before
and mean it
all that's left behind your eyes
are those ******* dollar signs
the actions you take to
"get you back for all you have done to me"
far outweigh my consequences
your priorities are skewed
and who the hell are you
to condemn me to such darkness
you must have forgotten what it takes
to fully get me to that place
where I seek serenity
and fully trust a human being
driving at top speed
screaming you were going to **** me
telling me I deserve to go to jail
just to see how it felt
well
how do you feel?
knowing you have truly
severed this connection.