if I had only known then
what I seem to know now
but I kept spinning around
in stupid circles
you would think I knew better
and maybe I did
still trying to find
the motivation
the drive
I'm clueless as to why
I must like pain more than I realize
down
I keep spiraling down
but the dark doesn't hurt
as much as it used to
I don't cry about things anymore
I'm empty
firing blanks
my reflection is a stranger
glancing for too long
it becomes broken and ******
there is no turning back
can't even pretend to
even if I wanted to
my self is abandoned
and this new shell has replaced
everything I thought I knew
I guess they were just lies
no solid ground to stand on
how am I still alive
when I finally find something to believe
then I turn the corner
and like a slap in the face
sometimes an actual punch
telling me every single thing I have learned
is wrong
is chaos
when all you have is yourself
but your self
is gone
taking things at face value
is a trait I now have lost
nothing is what it seems
simplicity is fallacy
as much as my heart pounds for it
it will never be
so all I have
are those moments
just those small moments
in time
flashes of light
soft skin
sleepy smiles
glances of appreciation
fingers running through my hair
toes in the sand
fuzzy blankets
breeze that brings lavender
creaky stairs
candlelight
twinkling stars
but I can never relax
I am never safe.

In my wildest and most vivid dreams
this was what I wanted
I craved and ached for the thought
that maybe one day
you might come back
realizing the obvious truth
of wanting me back
because despite all my imperfections
you are aware of the potential inside
and there is nobody capable
of being quite like me
it took me the longest time
to actually believe just that
but all on my own
all by myself
I did just that.

Clumsily staggering blindly
unconsciously for so much time
I came to.

In shock with part of me still angry
becoming fully aware of all I was repressing
instead of progressing
eventually the choice weighed me down
trying to accommodate the idea
of my dreams melting into reality
but feeling my enclosed emotions
with the chance of sharing secrets
and surprisingly harboring intense changes
within myself I saw the light
my whole life what I thought of as the classic fairytale
has turned into the best thing I never thought possible
I am my own prince charming
and as a result
I finally know it's too late.

You will always be perhaps the most important person in my life.
But I believe our time has passed.

Having been both there and done that
it's my time to move on.

I'm not the answer to your questions.
Stop asking.

Let us be
not as one
but as each other.

Happening too soon
I'm beginning to lose
it in the back of my mind
coming at me from all sides

different ways of everyone
telling me there is a right
and wrong always so caught up
in having every answer

and somehow missing the point.
I never loved you to get anything in return.
When I love
my reasons are for
that one
small
feeling...

I thought I had this planned
set aside the gas money
marked the map
packed the snacks

but the way things turned out
I was on the completely different road
going in the opposite direction
and I'm not sure how to find my way back...

Things are much better from afar away stand still.

Fingers are shaking
Lips are bit
I stare at my feet barely registering
the fact that anything else is happening
waiting is always the worst part.

Trying to convince my mind
that everything will be just fine
completely on the verge
of being gone.

Preparing myself
in every way
besides actually being prepared
for things
that happen
in life.

Finally the light shines down on me
I smooth out my shirt
take those first few steps
take a deep breath...

At that moment
when I come around to thinking
I can do this, it's not so bad...

I figure out
I didn't practice my lines
I don't even know what show I'm
supposed to be in.

These people expect something
There they wait, quiet, staring
some start laughing at my silence
because everyone should know what they are doing.