Shiloh

Shiloh Mar 2013

This is why I used to cut 'til I bled and made no fuss, and why I wish I never stopped.
This is why I drink 'til I'm drunk, I chug 'til I'm ******, hoping I will get kidney failure.
This is why every plane that flies above, I wish I could be on just so I could jump off.
This is why I hide, keeping most things inside, to myself so nobody can find what really lies there.
This is why I try so hard not to cry, knowing I will not get by until I am all dried up.
This is why running away has always been my first choice.
This is why you think I don't have a voice.
This is why I make you think I am so mean, so cold, so angry, so controlled.
This is why you will never be able to unfold what can never be foretold.
This is why even though I lost you, I know you will lose me right back.
This is why I will never give myself any ******* slack.
This is why I write all the time.
This is why I will always **** at rhyming.
This is why I get so lost in fairytales, stories, dimensions, other peoples minds.
This is why there are no mirrors so I will forever stay blind.
Knowing that if I ever catch a glance, looking at myself, I will know this is the reason why.

Shiloh Mar 2013

A Case Of Blah.

Alright.
So.
What is it?
What do I want?

...
Alright, that won't work.
What can I do?

Nothing.

You are seriously just going to turn your back now?
No, I know, you think you are right,
Especially when you use that condescending tone.

But in reality,
You just come off idiotic.

If no one will help me
When it is so ******* difficult
For me to ask in the ******* first place

When I don't have any problem doing things on my own
That is how it has always been

But things are different now
I have fallen down.

Have dug my own grave it seems
And there is no way out.

I can scream so loud
But there is no sound.

I get frantic at first
In a blurry hurry rush out the words
But for not very long
At one point I just... stop.

You would think I got it all out
But a part of that would be feeling better.
I just don't.
All too painfully aware,
That I have just barely
Scraped the surface
Of my purpose
Which is apparently
To be spiteful and needy

You know things aren't looking good
When it feels like you should
Just **** yourself
To make it all easier.

Shiloh Mar 2013

Baked Goods.

When you met me
It would be an understatement
To say it was too soon
But at the same time
I don't know what I would have done
If you weren't there for me

for that I say thank you.

I had all of the ingredients
they just weren't mixed up yet
You wouldn't think
To snack on flour
Without trying to make something out of it
Or to sip on straight vanilla

But you always tried.

Because let's face it
By themselves these things are great
But when they all share the same space
Not only does it smell wonderful
If you do it right
But it can make your spirit smile

It was my responsibility.

I was working on getting my **** together
Then needed some time to bake
To warm up and fully expand
Into everything I was meant to be
But the biggest part of my transformation
Was to calm down and chill the **** out,

And now I am ready to enjoy.

One of my favorite scenes:

Buffy: What was the highlight of our relationship? When you broke up with me or when I killed you? I'm well aware of my stellar history with guys... And, no, I don't see fat grandchildren in the offing with Spike, but I don't think that really matters right now. You know, in the midst of all this insanity, a couple things are actually starting to make sense. And the guy thing— I always feared there was something wrong with me, you know, because I couldn't make it work. But maybe I'm not supposed to.
Angel: Because you're the slayer?
Buffy: Because—OK, I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat— or enjoy warm, delicious cookie me, then... that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done.
Angel: Any thoughts on who might enjoy— Do I have to go with the cookie analogy?
Buffy: I'm not really thinking that far ahead. That's kind of the point.

Buffy: Angel. I do... sometimes think that far ahead.
Angel: Sometimes is something.
Buffy: Be a long time coming. Years, if ever.
Angel: I ain't getting any older.

Shiloh Mar 2013

When All Else Fails.

Something that has always been easy
For someone like me
It is always the hard way
I have to learn how to trust
how to relax
how to really smile

When good things happen
The back of my neck will get tight
I brace myself for the fall
Because being happy never
lasts for too long
The way I treat myself
Nothing is ever good enough

I have always known you can only be better
Your life is made of up moments to try harder
So I would always be searching, forever wandering
Not fully understanding
What I have been looking for
Has always been
Within me
Waiting

Hoping that the minute I stop wanting
With full realization
That everything I have to give
I deserve to give to myself
When my smile lacks
Based off what is missing
It gets easier to forget
How lucky I turned out to be
The entirety of what I need

The universe always listens.

Clear or cloudy days
The love for both is shared

The sun never unnoticed
Keeping me alive
Just a few steps behind

What I have always believed
It makes no difference
Where or who you happen to be
It always comes around to the simple idea

What questions your heart seeks
Will always be answered
In one way or perhaps another
If you take that chance and walk around those corners
You'll see this Earth has all kinds of different worlds.

Shiloh Mar 2013

Words.

so softly summoning
the undiscovered beauty
from underneath me

scared to believe
trembling with relief
with the belief

it can be
real.

Knowing that I
will only ever have time
to learn of the things
that I have always known.

It all fits together
all having pieces
to put together
a yin
to every yang

Since I have
noticed that
symmetry
I don't have to believe
I just feel.

All I know
You make me smile
Every once in a while
I wonder
If we can just make things simple.

Understanding the complexity
Having such sympathy
For all of the living
Is the only
Way to Be.

Words are a powerful thing.

Shiloh Mar 2013

Virgo.

I analyze,                                                                    my whole entire world
I specialize,                                                                  always in acting a fool
I socialize,                                                        but the truth trickles through
I vocalize,                                                                         not wanting to undo
I internalize,                                                          everything that matters to
With surprise                                                                            the ones I love
I realize,                                                                   they never left my side
Then I visualize.                                             Always believing what is right.

Shiloh Mar 2013

Archers.

The closest I have ever been to anyone
Has always been a spark to start me
My inspiration, the heat that lights it all up
Such fiery passion, longing and desire

I gravitate towards it
Ever so slightly addicted
Lusting after the lustrous glow
Illuminated by the moonlight

But set ablaze
By the Arrow.