My heart has never been this broken.

And you’ve broken it before.

This is real.

This is the end.

This is not a poem about love.

I don’t really love that many people.

Not truly, way down deep in my heart.

I guard it. I numb it.

I don’t let it get hurt.

But that’s really just the lie I tell myself so that I feel safe.

I’m easy to pierce and I’m easily broken.

I hang on too tight to things that aren’t always there.

I fantasize.

Not in a *****

Nasty way

But in a way that makes me hope.

Hope that maybe one day this will mean something

We can look back and remember a first touch

A first word

The first time we knew

Or I knew

And then when you did in turn

Or maybe that will all be flipped around

Chronology isn’t important

What matters is that it happens

Eventually

Some day

Sometime

Soon

You are my forgiveness. My long lost way out of this eternal labyrinth of suffering. I have never let someone grow so close to my heart before you.

I have never let anyone hurt me so deeply before you did.

And I certainly never forgave anyone for hurting me like that.

Before you.

You are my forgiveness.

You opened my eyes to the fact that just because I was hurt, doesn’t mean you did it to hurt me.

You never wanted to do that but that didn’t change that you thought what you were doing was right.

We still argue about it sometimes.

But you are my forgiveness.

Just because I know that that hurt was deep

and real

more real than any hurt I have received since was little more than an infant

doesn’t mean that I have to hold it against you

or against myself

I love you eternally.

Growing apart for us doesn’t have to be inevitable

Maturing and changing

Becoming more of who life is shaping us to be

That doesn’t mean that our closeness still isn’t meant to be

If I do nothing else great with my life

nothing of import or worthy of notice

I will go to my grave with the satisfaction of knowing that I did not let my relationships follow the pattern of societal acceptance.

I will hold on to people I have known forever, for loyalties sake.

For love’s sake.

I will never stop loving you, or them, so why should I let the warmth between us die just because friendships don’t “usually” last that long?

When I’m 30, I want you to call me old and laugh.

When you’re 40, I’m going to dye your hair completely grey instead of back to black.

When you finally have those little offshoots called children, they will call me auntie and I will let them name any kittens my hoard of cats is likely to have

When I finally pop a few out, you will be their stern uncle, that warns them against the flighty ways of their ever errant mother

Telling them stories of drunken nights and bad decisions

Scaring them with almost too many details about who we both used to be

Our matching pair of German Shepherds  and our almost identical college diplomas will always remind us of where we came from and how far we’ve come down

The road out of the labyrinth.