THE REAGANS KILLED MY BEST FRIEND

THOUSANDS MORE DEAD, THE PLAGUED MASSES PLEADING TO BE MADE CLEAN

THOUSANDS MORE INCARCERATED, THE JUNK SICK DESPERATION VOMITING UP DEMONS IN JAIL CELLS

THOUSANDS MORE HOMELESS, DEEMED WORTHY OF NOTHING MORE THAN SPARE PENNIES AND BARELY CONCEALED DISGUST

I will not let the blood be washed away
I will not let history paint you as Saint
I will not let you be made holy
I will not become another casualty in your war
Not while I still have a voice
I spit on your grave
I see red
I bleed red
I am red
I am a rifle
I am a nuclear warhead
I am a Contra weaponizing loopholes in the law to **** my enemies with
I am Osama bin Laden as the Crucifed Christ
I am the AIDS victim drinking drop by drop of toxic blood while the hawks of war stifle laughter from gay jokes in their capitals
I am the ****** bashing my head into a wall hoping to destroy the itch before it destroys me
I am the beggar who the wealth never trickled down to
I am the mental patient met with closed doors anf nothing but ammunition to soothe the screaming in my head
I am the workers on strike chiming out the death knell of the unions and my own autonomy
I am the Soviet child living one badly timed joke from holocaust

I AM THE DEATH MASK OF YOUR ANNIHILATION
I AM THE DAMAGE DONE
I AM WASHINGTON BURNING DOWN
I AM MOSCOW INSOMNIAC
I AM HINCKLEY IN MY DREAMS I **** YOU EVERY NIGHT
I AM WATCHING YOU RISE AGAIN
I AM TERRIFIED OF YOUR SURVIVAL
I AM READY TO DIE BEFORE I LET YOU RESUME CONTROL
I AM SICK OF LIVING IN YOUR SHADOW
I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE

I am writing to convince myself
I am on the second day of withdrawal symptoms and I am kicking myself for using such juvenile metaphors
I am sifting through scraps of newspapers, each one bearing the face of Antichrist burned into my retinas
I am feeling myself swell with rage
I am clenching fists and biting tongues
I am limited in my capacity to destroy
I am becoming romantic about forest fires and wildlife again
I am becoming misty eyed at the thought of where we came from
I am speaking in tongues
I am establishing a dialogue
I am addressing Mohammed as if we met at a high school party
I am watching a child of Christ light a cigarette at a gas pump
I am trying to think of an excuse to leave
I am breathing in exhaust fumes
I am standing on Nietzsche's shoulders as if he owed me a better view
I am putting off calling my grandmother back
I am godless in my arrogance
I am strung out on my ideology
I am overdosing on words
I am fighting hard
I am losing
That doesn't matter

I spend my nights bleeding out intoxicated poetry written under candlelight and screaming vinyl, spinning a web of loose ends trying my hardest to tie them together
I couldn't stop loving you even if I hated everything about you
I couldn't stop hating you even if I loved everything about you
I am picked up by my feet and dangled over an open fire that blacks out all of the thoughts in my exhausted head
The thoughts that are too heavy to handle even on my best days
Bright highway signs welcome me as I look for an escape, if I drive far enough to get away, maybe it will be written in my blood
My canvases painted ferociously to imagine a world more vivid than this one, maybe if I keep painting what I'm feeling, I'll be able to feel something instead of trying to accept the fact that I've grown numb to everyone and everything around me
I spend a lot of my time writing all of this out on my bedroom floor
Sometimes it's better to lay on the floor because a lot of the time nothing is as solid as the ground, it adds stability when nothing else is as stable as I'd like it to be

I deserve to be miserable
I deserve to be miserable
I deserve to be mi--

Tears won't get me where I need to be
Bandages won't stop the bleeding
My skin is itching with broken promises and unfinished words
As hard as I am on myself for the things I have no control over, you'd think that I would be used to this by now, yet here I am, lit cigarette in hand, the shaking getting worse when I try to speak
My sleepless nights are finally catching up to me
My mother notices on a daily basis and all she knows how to do is pray for me, I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry that I don't know how to cope with this, or anything for that matter
I'm having dreams that seem more real than real life, I'm becoming more and more disassociated by the minute, I can't help myself, I'm a ******* trainwreck

Everything is happening all at once and it won't stop even if it were asked to

It's the doubt in my mind that creates a silhouette of confidence to portray to those around me, this kid's got his **** together
I am not a writer because I want to be
It's the thoughts that crowd my head, all I know how to do with them is write them down because if I don't find the time to drain myself of the negativity, the demons it brings will build a home in my head and they'd never leave
I promised myself I'd stop, but I've never kept a promise, I don't know how

I don't know much

All I know is that everything is happening all at once and it won't stop even if it were asked to

Talking in code
Talking in rhyme
Sitting up summer nights on balconies high up enough to reach out and knock knock knock on heaven's door drunk on gin and chewing mint leaves trying to come to some kind of solution
There are problems here that need addressing but how much easier would it be to just ******* about it?
Piecing together alibis from the body counts of tragedies, picking up as many fragments as we can with the little strength we have left
We didn't do very much to deserve to feel this tired did we?
We could never figure out how to remove ourselves from the equation
Answers are a lot harder to come by when you've lost all personal interest
Where is this going?
Where does this progression end?
I wanna see what else is on
When I was a child I had recurring nightmares about televisions
When they shot Andy Warhol all he could say was that his entire life had been television all along
I don't know how to find comfort in familiarity
I am missing the connection here
I wanna see what else is on

Everything seems to be pitch black and quiet
I'm alright with this, considering I've grown tired of being in the spotlight
I don't remember how I got here or how long I've been here, but everything looks and smells so vibrant
I'm laying in what looks to be an endless meadow of roses
Everything is so beautiful over here

The last few things I can remember involve a couple of pill bottles, a couple glasses of water, and falling asleep with my TV on
I hope I haven't been sleeping long, I don't want to worry anyone
Maybe this is a dream
Something so wonderful like this couldn't possibly exist in the real world

I see people walking around way over there, but to be honest, I don't even want to bother them
I'm having the best time in the world just resting here in the roses, it feels like home
The people looked like flowers at last
I want to cut myself open and let my entire body pour out around me here
I wonder if the vines will wrap around me and turn me into something beautiful
The weird part is that I'm not even jealous anymore
I don't even need to plant my roses anywhere, I'm completely surrounded by them and they look to be all mine

I suddenly felt a shock and my chest lit up in the pitch black of what felt like the promised land
I woke up but I couldn't open my eyes because the lights were brighter than they had ever been
I saw my mother quickly reach for me but another woman immediately stopped her

"Your son is in shock, please don't touch him, it could make things worse"

Where in the hell am I?
Is this a hospital?
Where's my meadow?
Where are the roses?
Why is everything so bright?
Everything is so loud!

The doctors repeatedly shock my chest while my mother grows hysterical next to me
I didn't mean for this to happen, I swear
I only wanted to take a nap, honest


--

A few years have passed
My therapist made me start my own garden
I'm embarrassed I couldn't do it on my own, but I'm glad he made me do it, or else I probably wouldn't have
I still write in the same journal I got from my grandmother when I was a small child in hopes that she sees me, wherever she is, and that she knows I'm still fighting for myself
My garden is growing like a wildfire and some days it's the only thing that makes me smile
At least I can still smile

It's been a very long time, but I can still remember my adventure like it happened yesterday
If this is what death is, I'm upset that everyone fears it so badly

*Everything was so beautiful over there and the people finally looked like flowers at last

I am the worst nightmare
Something you don't want to see in your dreams
The taste of blood gets me exciting
I am the worst baby, I swear

Come on, Come all
Lets see a show
Full of misfits, big and small
I've got a secret
Oh, something you've just got to know

We'll all join hands and spin
This is all just for fun
Come along with me
Nighttime is all that you will see
We come alive when you say goodbye to the sun

You're a fun-house
I'm a freak
Can't I just play with your bones
Unbutton your blouse
And play in the sheets

There will be bright lights and deaf noise
This is a paradise that I desire
A place with no such thing as restrictions
You can now play with all of the toys

COME AND SEE

I must be talking about only one thing
Something that is by no means, heavensent
I am sick
I am aroused with excitement
This is the death of you and me

Pass the time
Pass the time
Pass the time

Think of what is not killing you
Let it seep into your skin and let it fill your lungs

Crack your brittle knuckles and pop your achey joints
This is only the beginning
Tie a noose around a tree and let the branch break, just to let yourself know that nature is keeping you alive for a reason

Now think of what is killing you
Let it fill and spill over and under your thoughts
Let it whisper soft meaningless nothings into your ears
Flirt with the idea of crushing a caterpillar just before it blossoms into a butterfly
Let yourself realize that there is beauty in the innocent
Learn that corruption is at every street corner, just begging and pleading for your attention

Pass the time
Pass the time
Pass the time

Give yourself to the wrongdoers
Let your blood bleed dark red onto your favorite t-shirt
Feel knowledgeable and learn consistently
Walk gracefully and fight viciously

There is no bliss in ignorance, just like there is no good in evil
Time is as valuable as diamond
Do not shied yourself from its shine and do not hide in its shadow

When the next opportunity comes, do not pass it
Do not pass the time and do not let it escape you
Breathe in air and exhale fire
Watch the clock like it is your favorite movie, it may just surprise you

Everything that made sense to me ended up hurting me
Maybe it's time I stopped making sense
A fourth, a fifth, a sixth
Whatever it takes to make me feel worth it

Yellow love, eat me up inside
Grow your vines and wrap around my heart and squeeze it until it pops like a balloon
I want to feel alive and full of air
I want confetti to explode out of my mouth when you kiss it because you a party and you deserve to be celebrated

Hold my hand and squeeze it so I know you'll never let go on accident
That way when I feel your hand unwrap around mine, I'll know you did it on purpose
It'll be a lot less hurtful, trust me

I will no longer be a lighthouse for your rough waters and I have grown to accept it
I will still see your ships and sails
And they will always be in the back of my mind
You will always be in the back of my mind

It's about time I say goodbye to what I thought would be forever
Blowing kisses and hugging the skeletons in your closet has never sounded so comfortable
But here I am, suitcase in hand
I just wish this goodbye could last forever

I can't complain
My coffee is getting cold and my flight is booked for an hour from now
Take a look at what's beneath your feet
Flowers that once bloomed at your every step are now wilting and crying onto your dress
Just wait for the clarity, this will all make sense
Where we're going, we are no longer safe
The stone walls you've built will crush us from the inside out

I have no choice but to burn what's left and start all over
Maybe then everything will finally feel fresh again
It's been so long since I've woken from a dream and felt confident
I never meant for any this to happen, believe me
I have wanted everything for us but I have spent all of my money buying you rings
and every one of them end up tossed into the creek

I always end up lost in the street
Begging and pleading
This is no place for a man that cares this much
I guess there is no place for a man that cares this much
Not on these streets and most definitely not in your arms

I want your head to shake and shatter like an earthquake when you read this
I want your gut to fill with panic and your sense of all understanding completely wiped out

Maybe I should stop wishing the worst for my enemies
But then again, maybe I should stop making sense

Curiosity and questions
challenging creation

Busting down each **** wall
built by that cursed machine

Each stride brings you closer to the finish line but each stride pushes it even further

You musn't stop running

For god sakes don't stop

For if you cease to push forwards
the end is already behind you