i asked him to hold the lighter

i n h a l e
exhale

i coughed until I puked

that night at the building
i drank an entire bottle of strawberry ***
every drop burned my throat

it was disgusting

that night in the building
i took 14 oxycodone pills
it was hard to stand up

it was sad

that night in the building
i asked you why i wasn't enough
i asked you why you wanted her too

you told me you hadn't had *** with her
you saw what the pictures did to me
and after

you had *** with her

forgive and forget
not this time

my dad is a wonderful man
he tells me stories about growing up poor
his mother
she was schizophrenic

he reminds me that it doesn't matter where you come from
it only matters where you go

at 1 am i wrote my mother's bike to Elliott
we met behind the elementary
in the grass with the mosquitoes
we had ugly, painful ***

when we were little we used to play here
in the grass, yoga and football
now we play a different game

instead of scraped knees
broken hearts

Before

You used to look at me with this goofy grin
**** em! You’d scream at the top of your lungs

We drove through the ice and rain
broken windshield wipers
Heads stuck out the windows
I have never laughed so hard

I looked at you
my best friend
The rick to my morty
The **** to my pipe

After

i don’t know what your smile looks like
Your words are strange and unfamiliar

You laid in the bed, blue eyes closed, entangled in tubes
Pink stuffed animal unicorn
Heads almost touching but not quite
I have never cried so hard

I no longer look at you
i don’t know
Stranger
Someone I used to know

we downed half the bottle of blue poison in my bathroom

uncontrollable laughter

so this is why people drink

blissful stupidity

that night

we screamed and laughed
we kissed and fought

we trudged through slush and snow
we huddled in a tiny concrete basement

you barely smoked
you wanted to leave

i smoked a lot
i told you to stay

you dropped me off
you said I love you

i said goodbye
i said I love you

if

i had known
that was the last time

i would shut that old blue car door
i would not have gotten out.