i hope that in every lifetime
every lover i have
is a reflection of you

you tear my heart to shreds
but you’re the only one who can ever
put it back together again

every word feels like a knife
cutting through my chest
searing white hot pain

i can’t stop myself from loving you
needing you
it has to be you.

do you ever think about how we know everything about each other yet we live our lives as strangers?

i remember being gentle
being kind
not a single word i spoke was angry
i was soft
and sweet
and quiet

i don’t remember becoming cold
learning to be so mean
filling my words with venom and razors
i stopped being soft
and sweet
and quiet

i wish i never left my heart unguarded
i wish i could be gentle again
i miss when love came easy

it is so exhausting
trying to live in a society
that was created to destroy us

i want you to forever interrupt my alone time
my heart aches for your presence
the comfort of existing
with you

i write my pain
thousands of letters and words
hidden away in a place only i know

i hold things in
until i can find the words i need
to say what i feel

i let it go
tears smearing fresh ink
making the words bleed

so that i don’t have to

i always hope that someday
someone will write poetry about me
in the way i write it about them

i feel most like myself in skin covered in tattoos
skin you once ruined by your touch
the art on my body will never feel your cruel hand
skin that will never crawl with your presence
lines and colors that you cannot trace
beauty created on spaces that used to burn at the touch of your fingers
tattoos that you will never get to see
scars you will never get to feel
skin that will never be scrubbed in desperate hopes to feel clean again
reclaiming the space that you will never feel again
decorating my body, my home
that you will never intrude on again

no one talks about the soul crushing want to be loved

while also having the want to never love again

my biggest fear
is that i spend every day giving away more love
than i’ll ever receive

i hope that someday you find your peace
and you find your forever
even if it's not with me
i'd rather have a little of you
than none at all

it’s a terrible thing
to be filled with so much love
desperate for someone to pour it into

i want to love someone
i want to love someone so gently that they think of me at every soft breeze
i want to love someone with the patience they so badly need
i want to love someone in a way that both of us will look back at and smile
i want to love someone with the kindness that i believe everyone deserves
i want to love someone with the same amount of love in their heart as mine
i want to love someone in the exact way i want to be loved
i want to love someone
someone like you.

we all heal in the way we need
but always remember
those who choose not to heal
are not worth the risk to your own healing

there's a sort of peace in the ending
a warmth
a comfort
a realization

nothing truly lasts forever
nothing is forever
but after time
that isn't so scary

the end isn't a death sentence
the pain doesn't last forever
you will survive outside of their world
you will thrive

but take your time
to love
to live
to breathe

it won't feel like this forever
nothing hurts forever.

it's a slow spin
descending into darkness
it's dizzying

sanity feels so close
but so far away
reaching for a light
that fades

i don't know if it was the pouring rain
or the music blasting from my radio
but for one simple
fleeting moment
i felt weightless
and free

if i tried to save everyone
would it finally be
enough

or would i continue
to not be
enough

i write to release
my words may not rhyme
they may have no rhythm
but they make sense of the mess

they bleed on the page
a spilt coffee stain
misshapen and crude
but if you look long enough

an image is formed
whether it be of pain, sorrow, love
or even just a flower
blooming from the cracked ground

they take me places i could never say out loud
a safe haven of my own creation
a place to release
a place where i'm free

slowly
i can feel myself drowning again
drifting down
further into the dark
and the deep
blanketing me
so familiar

it was you who made me feel like i could speak my mind

so why is it you who tries to silence me

you’re the kerosene that keeps me aflame

yet after all this fire i always end up feeling numb

thoughts full
of jagged lines
scarlet drops
crystal tears
red stained bandages
hidden pain
smeared makeup
tubes of healing creams
red stained hands
red drops on porcelain sinks
spotty vision
haggard breaths
shaking limbs
stinging pain

he tells me
that i’m good
i’m important
i’m loved

she tells me
that i’m kind
i’m funny
i’m sweet

he tells me
that i’m amazing
i'm beautiful
i’m understanding

they all tell me
that i’m easy to love
easy to want
easy to know

i tell myself
that i’m annoying
i’m too much
i’m hard to love

i don’t understand why i can’t see what they see

how do you make it so that your compliments seem as if they’re filled with poison

for someone who feels so much
you make it look effortless to feel nothing

bright eyes
shining smiles
laughing melodies

scared glances
sad memories
unsaid words

from the closest of friends
to the most perfect strangers

you were my first salvation
now you will be my final damnation

hearts stop beating
blood stops flowing
tears start falling

no more breath
no more life
no more love

the sun still rises
life goes on
the world keeps spinning

eyes lose light
smiles lose shine
never the same

a life gone
friends lose friends
family loses family

a distant memory
a faint remembrance
a mental scar

here one day
gone the next
never ending hurt