slowly
i can feel myself drowning again
drifting down
further into the dark
and the deep
blanketing me
so familiar

it was you who made me feel like i could speak my mind

so why is it you who tries to silence me

you’re the kerosene that keeps me aflame

yet after all this fire i always end up feeling numb

thoughts full
of jagged lines
scarlet drops
crystal tears
red stained bandages
hidden pain
smeared makeup
tubes of healing creams
red stained hands
red drops on porcelain sinks
spotty vision
haggard breaths
shaking limbs
stinging pain

he tells me
that i’m good
i’m important
i’m loved

she tells me
that i’m kind
i’m funny
i’m sweet

he tells me
that i’m amazing
i'm beautiful
i’m understanding

they all tell me
that i’m easy to love
easy to want
easy to know

i tell myself
that i’m annoying
i’m too much
i’m hard to love

i don’t understand why i can’t see what they see

how do you make it so that your compliments seem as if they’re filled with poison

for someone who feels so much
you make it look effortless to feel nothing