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I have never felt like ******
With the wind screaming in my ears
He tells me to
He wants me to
He wants me to slit the mans throat
The man who killed me

The voice can not be heard
By none other but me
He screams insanity in my ears
Yelling for me to bleed

To Bleed out the revenge
Hatred
Love
Hope


But all that does not matter
Not anymore
I'm a nothing
Drifting soundlessly down this street

For I am the demon of myself
I am the man who killed me
Here I am thinking

What have I become?

Is this me, Was it me before?

I'm exhausted by the constant adding up

-multiplying the times I have had to reassess

Where am I in this maze..

I feel the certainty chip away as the people I love wilt and disappear

The knowledge I once held close I lay down next to their once comforting words

Nothing is definite
Fact is a state of Illusion
Am I alright with this?

I once declared..  "I thrive on chaos"
I now search for comfort within it, and hold on tight to my own prospects

Is this really who I have become?
What do I fear? .. Measurement(?)

Those who are adding up their own multiples(?)

Me
As I look myself over in the mirror
judging.. assessing the weight of each insult

Who cares?
Do I? How can I find contentment in all of these flaws
My lack of effort
My lack of effort to conform to ideals .. is this part of me, a rebellion of sort

Will it pay off in the long run or will I fall flat on my face in the abyss of conformity

I am lucky I am loved. I think

oh so lucky .. luck is temporary, it's all temporary
that's the good part(!) We don't have to dwell but(!) might we have to Answer

To Pay.. for all decisions and outcomes.
Is this why(?)


..I know I am not the only one thinking..
 Feb 2014 travesties
Tie Nicks
You're the equivalent of a rainstorm
without the clouds
constantly falling on him
when he least expects it.
Drowning out his sorrows with empty love.
Just like you when you came from mountains with blood spilling from your mouth,
tying tree branches around your
nearly broken fingers as if they were
strands of his ***** hair
that he hasn't washed since last week 
I bet.
What's the point of cleaning up for a
funeral when no one will pay 
attention to you unless you're the
one about to be buried in the ground.
Pounding on everyone's chests hoping their breath together will pull 
out one last heart beat,
or one last sigh that would break
the silence and send the world
tumbling into a fit of volcanic ash.
Kind of like the way he wished
he swallowed your words whole
and could puke them up onto
a white wall to rid
himself of the burden of
keeping secrets.
But now I guess I'll walk around
aimlessly until I can find
something to own, not the place.
Just something to brand my name
on.
Maybe this time without collapsing into
a pile of dust
and screaming "Mother Earth save me"
because i am the earth.
Just burnt and unholy.
T.L
 Feb 2014 travesties
lucie jo
In the forest
your feet bare
long hair
bambi eyes stare.
Night gown
translucent lace
running fast
into my tight embrace.
Aesthetic bliss
a fragile kiss
looking out into the
dark abyss.
I didn't know that anyone understood my pain
I wasn't aware that I had friend out there
Going through something similar, if not a situation the exact same
Here I am sitting on my bed with a gun at my head
Thinking that no one understands
Yet she was there, trying to grab my hand
Trying to make me think twice about ending my life
“You do not break GOD made you better than that”
My body was numb. My heart was black.
I wasn't trying to stop
I was content on pulling that trigger
You know, trying to finally hear that, Pop!!

Five................................
I love you mom. I know you'll be sad but I tried...

Four................................
I love you dad. Don't be sad, now I wont get on your nerves anymore.

Three..............................
I love you sister. Go out there. Live you life... and just like they say..Don t be like me.

Two.................................
I love you brother...Only 5 amazing years with you

One..................................
I'm nervous. Once I pull this trigger, my brain will explode..It will all be done

Chest pounding..Sweat dripping down my nose..
I start to remember what she said to me...
“Just **** yourself you stupid ***!”
My palms are sweaty
The metal starts to slip
Thinking to myself...
'Just do it already!!'
Procrastination...I'm already a minute late.
I was supposed to dead by now..
Yet, for some reason, I feel like I need to wait.
Her words are coming back
'You do not break GOD made you better than that'
Are you sure?? How do know that for a fact?
God didn't watch you get beaten for absolutely nothing
He didn't hear your screams that were oh, so silent
I know what you're thinking..
'He cant hear you if you don't make a sound'
True, but if I had of been louder, I would've been permanently silenced
God didn't watch you cover up purple spots on your chest
God didn't put your stomach through a punching bag test
Did God help you scrub the blood stained spot off your shirt?
Did God pick you up and kiss your “boo-boo”when you got hurt?
Tears stream down my face as the memory fades
Gun in my hand...4 more minutes passed. 5 minutes pass my due date
I'm shaking. I'm scared
'Is this the right thing to do? Is this fair???'
I drop the gun...I realize its not going to be any fun
“You do not break GOD made you better than that”
I want to stand up for myself
And use the bone in my back
I AM strong
I AM brave
You were very very wrong
**And I refuse to let you **** me today.
Breathe in,
Breathe out,
...
I'm lying in bed
Honey-sweet sleep is pulling my eyes to unReality, dark and velvet and purple
But I got these words tossing in my belly
Roiling and churning up my throat
Trying to spill out
And burn the pale ****** air
BUT
at the same time
Trying to crawl back down
Scraping with just-cut claws down to my toes curling up in plush-snugly socks.
Scared to be born.
SO
I'm lying in bed
Ready to spin truth wrapped in fibs sprinkled with simile
I just feel frustrated
Because I'm saying the same thing over and over again
But it's just NOT RIGHT.
...
Here's the deal:
I'M NOT REAL.
Or rather, I might be real, but my existence is highly improbable.
I feel weightless,
like I could jump off a bridge and fly
But I can't even convince myself
I just hover on the knife's edge of uncertainty.
Am I real?
Or can I fly?
I know it's one or the other.
And I know it's double or nothing.
Either I'm real- just a person
(but- here's the rub- one who knows her limits...)
Or I'm not- I can fly and dance and
love men and **** dragons.

...

This knife blade is anguish.
I'm not suicidal.
I just want it to stop.

...

I need someone to prove me wrong.
I need you to look me in the eyes
And know that I am yours
And know that you are mine
And know beyond a doubt I exist
And maybe

just maybe

I'll see myself in your eyes
And you in mine
And some of that reflected certainty
might.
just.
stick.

....

*do you love me?
I'm
    f
       a
          l
            l
                i
                     n
                            g
...up
....down
.....inward
......onward
.......apart
..........t­o pieces.
It came to me in parts
I fell apart for you
Parts of you seducing bits of me

First I looked at your eyes
They are extraordinary, you know?
I've never seen that precise color
Brown, but light, like chestnut or cinnamon
Or some exotic spice...
I could ramble for ages

Next I noticed your hands and shoulders
and smile
They're loose and open,
Nothing to hide.
That's important,
I have enough to hide for the both of us
I'll tell you stories one day
I'll tell you secrets no one's ever heard

Then, I think, I heard your silences
They are deep and full of...well, something.
They have this quality to them
They become our silences...
I don't need to ramble with you.

Then I had a dream...
I dreamed we were together
In a crowd of people by ourselves
And I leaned over and kissed you right
on the freckle on your cheek that mirrors mine.
And you smiled at me.
And I woke up and I realized I was happy
Even your shadow made me happy.
And I think that comfort defines us

Then I felt something cold
It was a flash, like lightning
A girl smiled at you-
(you smiled back, being the friendly type)
It hit me
A twinge of jealousy!
I was, frankly, surprised
I still hadn't suspected anything

Then I felt something warm
When I sat by you I could feel your presence
Not like electricity, more like a change in pressure;
I could feel your warmth, your comfort
And we were a good foot apart
You're just so solid.

And then I knew.
I knew, you sneaky *******,
that I'd fallen for you.
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