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Dec 2015 · 365
i am drunk
Astor Dec 2015
my painted fingers feel like armor
when i rub them together i feel them pilling
i like pills
specifically oxy
it makes me nauseous
so does bourbon
but i dont mind that
it also makes me floaty
and black out
i dont like to black out i love drunk memories  
they make me feel free
even though im really stuck in a bird cage
it was my moms birthday
she smiles when i told her i love her
what have you done tonight
what do you mean
I wanna try coke
ive been thinking about that a lot lately
***** makes me feel best I dont get hungover with it
so I drank that too
I wanna stab my self
not for pain or anything (I mean i want that too)
but because I love blood i wanna see it
taste it
im done now
**** elliot man
detective is hot at ****
Dec 2015 · 752
Masochist
Astor Dec 2015
roughness
I thrive on it
Toughness
I live for it
Little girl of sixteen
Begging for ferocity
Tell me
Teach me
Mark me up
Pain is pretty
And I wanna be ******* beautiful

I'm a stone cold ******* practically pleading for my pale neck in between your callused hands
And blood dripping from my lip
From a hard bite that caused me to whimper

I'm a **** for ***** ****
Lipstick
Dec 2015 · 307
Androgyny
Astor Dec 2015
Alright little ones lay down to sleep
Little boy with his favorite plastic Dino
Little girl with her dolly
And me with my ragged cotton stuffed dog
Never was I binary
I don't know if I ever really wanted to be
I felt like I was walking on a tight rope and I was really **** good at it never falling onto either side and never ending

And that just kinda works for me
My family loves me
My friends are caring as hell
And I feel a little like I fit
A change of pace from *** drugs and alcohol
lipstick
Dec 2015 · 298
Celebrity skin
Astor Dec 2015
I've never actually felt this way before
But now for the first time I feel used
Text at midnight unassuming
Just enough to make me smile
You used me
Just enough to make you sleep all the better
While I lay awake knowing that I've been used but still kinda thinking that you maybe care
I'm only sixteen
Still young
Am I as mature as I'm told I'm supposed to be
Because I sure as hell feel like an idiot now

With my downturned eyes
And celebrity skin
I feel a little Lo
Lipstick
Dec 2015 · 663
Posh spice
Astor Dec 2015
Astronomy
On my mouth
Smeared deep into the corners
And stars entering my lungs with every deep inhale
Making me see nebulas
I've never seen a night sky so crystal quiet

I feel like I could dance all night
In the smoke of midnight fire
To hollow tunes that inch me closer towards the constellation creators
That make me tumble into a more interesting universe where I'm constantly curious but not anxious about finding my answers

Hollywood dreams
Teacups on silver afternoons
And a taste for blood and kisses

Posh spice
Bus rides roof top balcony
Truck stop bathroom

Barcelona real punk scene
Girls with green fishnets and mascara running from their teary eyes
Just what I wanna be
This is not about hoes and drugs

Oh wait it is

Lipstick
Dec 2015 · 437
I'm nude
Astor Dec 2015
I wish my stomach was flatter
I was more hairless
My **** were symmetrical
My *** existed
But **** all because it isn't
Lipstick
Dec 2015 · 485
Drug lord (sober)
Astor Dec 2015
Drug lord?
More like drug *****
Binge drinking ***** on a Tuesday afternoon
Tasting blood on my lips from where I bit my tongue
thinking about rough hands on me
At all times
I wanna wear Lace ******* and a pretty baby blue bra
So when you put a knife to my neck I feel soft and loved
Feeding me *** brownies and oxy laced herbal cakes
Delicate in my mouth but reeking havoc on my body
Yayo baby
Kiss me and give me all your love and violence
I guess you could call me a ***
Lipstick
Dec 2015 · 424
Drug Lord
Astor Dec 2015
**** me hard
and ******* blood, the blood that pools on my lips
after you ******* punched me in the face

I told you to do it because blood makes me ***** as ****
alcohol makes me ***** as ****
drugs make me ***** as ****

my dream guy is a drug lord
because he will beat me, **** me, and drug me up
and i guess that is what i want

**** give me *******
I've never had it but
it sounds nice as  ****

i like to be out of it
but most of  all i wanna be like lana del rey
and drink in the daytime

and taste the love of night
about lipstick
Astor Dec 2015
You are a painting for sure
an oil streaked canvas that I just cant help but stare at
Because wow are you breath taking
I want to run my fingers across your ragged surface
and let your paint smear across my hands

I could also compare you to the ocean
because you are neverending
I like to sit by the sea and just take it all in
the beauty, the sounds, the smell, the feeling of it touching my skin
giving me goose bumps
just the way I like to sit with you

Now while both of those are as true as saying the sun is hot
Ive heard that you are a goddess. Is it true?
Because you give me the shivers and I like to talk to you
but if you are a goddess I will become too terrified of you
to react
for gem
Nov 2015 · 266
Ive been thinking a lot
Astor Nov 2015
He is dead
******* dead
and I will never see him again
no matter how much I miss him
or how much I cry or scream he will never come back
Ive loved
Ive lost
But i cant ******* seem to love again no matter
how much I try
never again will I hold his hand or hear him tell me he loves me
****
he is dead and I don't want to believe it
But he is
his last words were to tell me he loves me eternally
mine were to tell him that Im stuck on him
he was sick
groaning wordlessly until I whispered that in his ear
then he spoke about how he loves me
I miss him
I ******* miss him
he is gone
but he now has his boat
(and that makes me sadder than anything)
for H2a my ocean and my boat
Astor Nov 2015
I wanna be a polaroid girl

I think that everyone knows at least one.
You don't ever have to say a word to them and yet they completely turn your life upside down and you end up kissing the concrete where your feet should be.
They are always on an adventure and you're just along for the ride
There are no rumors about them
Because every single one you hear is just a half truth

They are always beautiful, always free, always wild and utterly careless.
The life of a polaroid girl is not easily obtained its more something that they're born into
but you can always see one in the making

I want to be a rosebud like them
they are legendary but easily forgotten
and they live in a glorified loneliness because everyone is just a passenger in their lives they hop in and hop out
everyone idolizes them but no one fulfills them

they thrive on *** you can see it in their eyes

they're always stuck in the summer haze that helps define them

they have ******* and acid flowing in their veins
and alcohol on their breath

I wanna live on the breezy landscape photo that you have no memory of taking but treasure and never show a soul
penny
lana
julia
rose
sophia
margot
effie
lux
elise
Astor Nov 2015
What word should i carve into my own skin?
Into my lungs? My brain? My heart?
I want it to  fit me but not too much because I am so so scared that it will fit me too well
because it will encompass all the things I am so self conscious about
I want it to be hateful because it will feel real but if it is too hateful then even I would consider myself weak
I want it to be loving because then I will look at it and feel strong but if it is then I will be far too full of myself  to even consider my faults
I don't even want to do it because it will hurt but I do because nothing will feel better than the pain
It was all my fault
If this ends up being my suicide note I dont know how anyone will ever read it because **** it if this was in my own name

I guess I kind of want them to know how much pain I was in but at  the same time I dont want them to be hurt  by me
I guess I just want to be glorified once
Nov 2015 · 1.6k
sophomore superlatives
Astor Nov 2015
Most likely to Break hearts:
She lives in a world of ***
Hands around her neck, hickies on her hips, and blood on her boyfriends tattooed fists
Dating boys who are twice her age
She got straight A's but never will live up to her potential
because her *** is shaped like a heart, and her heart is shaped like a dollar sign

Most likely to Live in her dreams:
She wears twigs in her hair and presses flowers in notebooks
Scattered around her eclectic cottage
Living off  her woodland knowledge
Literally a ghost, no job, no life, no love
no ******* reality

EDITED:  MARK AS VOID (she dumped him and he fell apart)
Most likely to Elope after high school:
I can picture her running away with him
Living in ***** motels on concrete streets
Surviving on paper plates of buttered toast and styrofoam cups filled with bitter black coffee
kissing under stars in empty parking lots
She loves him so much not even I can see them falling apart

Most likely to Fry his brain on drugs:
Alone in his room
Bowl packed, lungs filled with skunked up smoke
Laughing at nothing listening to loud *** rap music
I can see his future its as empty as his head
Tripping up the stairs to his heavenly room to **** down more stale air
and taste clouds

Most Likely to Become a Stripper:
He looks like a stud with hair of gold
Picturing him with dollar bills being stuffed in his G string is an easy image.
His solid heart makes him strong
but his craving for a boy to love him makes him weak
I love him

EDITED:I AM NO LONGER A ****** BUT IM STILL UNLOVED
I am just most likely to die a young ******, drunk on *****, high on illegal drugs, melancholy about nothing, and empty inside.
a look into the futures of my closest friends
May 2015 · 287
I didn't mean to
Astor May 2015
Im sorry
Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry
Im sorry Im sorry
Im sorry
Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry
Im sorry
Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry
Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry Im sorry
Im sorry Im sorry
Im sorry
sorry
Astor May 2015
I saw him across the room at 301
With a piece of wood under his arm
and paint dripping onto his otherwise pitch black sneakers
Everything he says is backwards but  it makes sense
We spoke for a half an hour and I immediately felt like I knew everything about him
He told me his whole world in thirty minutes
I wonder what his real secrets are
For JV3
May 2015 · 1.7k
Stressed
Astor May 2015
Im Stressed out
And you made my day
I like you
I hope you ask me for coffee
21
#um
Astor May 2015
We met last week.
Its hard to understand but I think we hit it off?
You let me play with your hair
It was nice, I sat on the hotel bed above you and you sat on the floor below
We spoke at the mall and you pseudo ditched me
It was okay and I forgot about it
I like you, you make me smile
You're cute and easy to talk to
At 5:04 You said "HI"
your first facebook message completely unprompted
I saw I had a message and of all people I didn't think it would be you
I wasn't even hoping it was you, but I was happy when it was
It meant you thought about me
"Were you at school today? Or am I just blind" you said
You looked for me and noticed I wasn't there
You apologized for blowing me off, it was okay
We discussed school and teachers
At 8:34 you asked if I was coming to school tomorrow
I said yes
We talked about TV, movies, and things we liked
I liked you
You asked if I had a pet
I don't, you do
Out of the blue you asked if I liked coffee
I do, and I thought you were gonna ask me to get some
You asked if I liked a coffee shop down town
I thought you were gonna ask me to go with you
You asked for my number
I gave it to you
We talked about bad classes
You asked if I ever got detention
I had, you had too
We discussed grades
I mentioned I'm failing Algebra
You offered me help
I was gonna say no, but then I thought Why not
You offered me notes, or help in person, or both
You told me to text you when I need help and you would find time
You said something that made no sense
You mentioned that you were sleepy, and I suggested you go to bed
You did
I looked up through the moon through the slots of my window shade
All in all good day
Im hoping you message me again tomorrow
IS A ****** THING

— The End —