I think I lack a life
And feel dead from the neck up
But it's easy to see
I don’t give a ****

No
No
No

No motivation
Just constipation
Mostly
*******
Pay no attention
To my frustration
Breaking my concentration

I can't find a job
Must admit I don’t look hard
I wanna fix my ways
But I don’t know where to start

No
No
No

No motivation
Just constipation
Mostly
*******
Pay no attention
To my frustration
Breaking my concentration

I'm evil
I'm twisted
My train ride
I  missed it
I wanna
Get better
I'm writing
This letter

Dear reader,
I can't get outta my own way
And I have nothing to say
About the person I am
But help me if you can
Or maybe I shouldn't change why should I rearrange
I like who I am
So ******* man

No
No
No

No motivation
Just constipation
Mostly
*******
Pay no attention
To my frustration
Breaking my concentration

Nervously lighting another cigarette
My hands twitching and my head spinning
I look back at my trips to the city
With my first love, holding hands walking all over the island of Manhattan
Wearing my leather jacket, hoody and skull cap
Then, to my current love walking side by side holding doubt in one hand and self loathing in the other
She’s so good to me so why do I do the things I do?
I am a *****
I am a pig
I am a liar
A hypocrite
And a user
Or am I just dishonest to myself?
No not just to myself but to everyone
We walk through the Village with Scott and Tony
Laughing and seeing the street art
Drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes
Looking for the next stop of our interest
I think of the girl I’m seeing behind the curtains
Do I want her? She’s unsure as I am
Asking herself if she wants me
I don’t want me
I’ll do the same to her as I did to the others
I'll lie and build obelisks of false love stories
I was a believer in love
One and only one soul mate
But the pain changed that
Now I believe in making it work
But also free love
Or am I just a bitter ****?
I don’t know
She tells me she doesn't feel special
I don’t show her off like the one before her
It’s me not her
She gives me love, honesty good times
Social networks all blocked
No contact
Secret meetings and deleted conversations
I hide my tragic impulses
Everyone knows but not really, not at all
I kissed a man two nights ago, he wants me too
But I’m just looking for a good time
Am I just young and reckless?
Or am I stupid and remorseless
No, I’m not remorseless
I wouldn't be writing this of I wasn't
Then again this situation is just another trial
Another error, a tribulation
One step closer to finding out my limits and who I really am
If I leave her I am no better than then girl who left me
A drunken decision
A painful incision in the capillary of lust
The roads are blocked, good
I can’t make a decision without them being aware of the bigger picture
I bide my time
Time
Time heals all wounds but the scared are there until forever
My stomach is in knots 24/ 7
Constipated with guilt and indecision
I ask god, Buddha, Shiva, Jesus, Mohammed, the Greek gods, the Egyptian gods, for the answer
What do I do?
What do I fix?
How can I change?
I’m tired of crying like a little boy with a scraped knee
I need to be honest with myself
They both mean nothing but they want me
I need to find a person that means something more than just a place to stick my ****
I stick my **** in other people’s lives and **** it all up
I’m a monster, a ***** devil
I’m emotionally detached I see it now; I need to find my way back to the belief I once treasured and respected
It's all on me
But I don’t know what or who I want
I must find the pedestal and place someone up there
Or do I?
Do I really need someone right now?
Is it time?
I don’t know?
Should I just be alone with no attachments and go on doing what I’m doing?
No, that’s not solving anything
If I’m going to be alone I’m going to be alone and not look but be looked for
I don’t know why these people are in my life
I put them there
I built the rickety bridges
And what of Kathleen?
Just sending out more lies just to get my rocks off
Nope not going down that road stopping that right here
And what of Mary? Nope not doing that either
I’m learning
But now I have two
I used to have none and that made me want everything
Now I have too much and I wish I could throw it all away
Maybe the gods sent me this to make me happy maybe I should enjoy the luxury of having people wanting me
Or maybe it’s a test to see if I deserve to find the one and only, if they exist that is
In the subway I see a girl checking me out smiling; I smile back with my girlfriend next to me
I’m disgusting
I cheated on my first love seven times and never told her, she cheated on me once and confessed and left me, karma
I deserved the pain I brought it on myself
Whoever I choose I will not cheat ever again, but who do I choose?
I need more time
So I’ll take it, I'll fake it then make it or break it
Or do I chose myself and negate everything
American spirit takes me away
Back to Manhattan
The glitz the glamour, the icy winds tearing at our faces
We wait for the 167 to take us home
I can’t sleep I text the new girl and ask many questions to get to know her better to make my decision easier, it does not help
The fact that I do that just proves my weakness
I will wind up with neither I know it
The decision that the one before had to make is now before me
I feel as though I need to choose the one I’m with to do the right thing, but what is right?
What’s right for me?
Marijuana clogs my process so I won’t partake in its consumption until the decisions made and maybe not even after
Who am I kidding?
I will

Counting down 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
Hear the snakes rattle
Hear the cymbals crash
Hear the angles sing
See the ocean roar

The road moves under my tired tired feet
Street lights pass over head at an alarming speed
My heart racing my hand steady on the wheel
My eyes focused yet widened
Her thin face
Brown complexion
The street lights shine on her face
Her gray wool knit cap

I can hear the machines
I can hear the speaking just over the river
A beam of purple light lights up the sky

They've found it

The earth goes black

My head is in excruciating pain
Blood on the wheel the wind blowing hard
The girl is gone, I'm alone with my wrecked car
Where am I?
Where is she?
What happened?
What's gonna happen?
I need to keep moving, the girl is of no concern
She was just a stranger I need to carry on

There;s nothing that I wouldn't give to you
And you turn away
Please don’t walk away
No I won't

No I won't
Won't ever lie to you
Trust me when I say
I won't ever walk away
I won't

So selfish
I can't even fathom
Why I love you
Even after everything
You put me through
On a fire I'm standing
To prove to you
That I am not pretending
My love is true

I will do anything that you ask me
Even if it means to go and leave you alone
Baby I'll do it all, just so I can see
That sign that you're happy and make my love shown

This ain't fair
I'm giving you my heart
And you don’t care
I'm falling apart
Shadow of how I used to be
And I still want you
Even after everything
You put me through
And I'm not pretending
That I need you

I will do anything that you ask me
Even if it means to go and leave you alone
Baby I'll do it all, just so I can see
That sign that you're happy and make my love shown

You don’t even ever think about me
If I was dying you'd just leave me alone
The smoke has cleared and I can see
You’re a monster your true colors now exposed

All your lies have been plaguing me
This is my one promise I'll keep
I won't
Now I can feel my whole head spinning
But now I know where I'm going
Detached and so ready
So ready to live

You don’t even ever think about me
If I was dying you'd just leave me alone
The smoke has cleared and I can see
You’re a monster your true colors now exposed

All people will die
Some are never alive
Never lived freely or thought on their own
Always put down with out a sound
Victimized all year around

When you live
The callous have nothing to give
When you breathe
They tell you how you should be
When you live
Take and give
I insist

All people will die
Some are never alive
Some are permitted and others denied
Most are just laughed at and I know that
It’s a cycle going round and round

When you live
The callous have nothing to give
When you breathe
They tell you how you should be
When you live
Take and give
I insist

When you live
The callous have nothing to give
When you breathe
They tell you how you should be
When you live
Take and give
I insist

I'm packing my bags
I'm leaving this place
You'll cry when I'm gone
But you'll never see my face

There will be no goodbye
I'm walking out the door
I just can't take it
Won't take the fighting anymore

I refuse to play the game
And now I turn away

Home sweet home that's the expression
Home sweet home where you get a lashing
Home sweet home my heart is bleeding
Home sweet home i must be leaving

The screaming at me
The mistrust in him
The hatred for her
The light is getting dim

I love all of you
But I just cant cope
So I'm leaving tonight
I'm leaving my home

I refuse to play the game
And now I turn away

Home sweet home that's the expression
Home sweet home where you get a lashing
Home sweet home my heart is bleeding
Home sweet home i must be leaving

Home sweet home that's the expression
Home sweet home where you get a lashing
Home sweet home my heart is bleeding
Home sweet home i must be leaving

Deep inside my mind
Way back in my head
Somewhere in my heart
Is where the story starts
The shaking in my hands
My life all in a flash
The shivers down my spine
This is wear my sorrow lies

Our enemies on the ground
Our dreams coming true
Counting grains of sand
This is where it ends

Turn it up n let it go
Sit back and watch the show
Our three ring circus
You won't forget us

Tales of love and loss
Trying to make it
At any cost
Here we go