When you grow up, i am going to teach you three things:

1. If someone does something for you, and you say thank you, there is nothing more that you owe, in any situation. Anyone who thinks otherwise, and believes they need a reward for being a decent human being is dangerous and you stay as far away from them as you can.
2. Always put your needs first, nothing is more important than your happiness and they should understand that. You are not doing anything wrong by saying "no", and not all physical contact is wanted, even if it seems as innocent as a hug. You keep your ground.
3. In addition to that, always stay true to your own beliefs and dreams. Don't let another person compromise them, however much you may think you care about that person. If you want to be a lawyer, you work as hard as you can, you hold your head high and if anyone tells you that your assertiveness is "being bossy" and isn't becoming to a woman, you stick ******* up and tell them to *******. You will be who you want to be.

Because, unfortunately, my darling, the world is set against you, and we are fighting to change that.

My place in this world
Is certain
It is real
And it can never be reclaimed.
My death
Will not undermine
The fact that I lived;
That I was here;
And that I did what I have done
And dream of doing the things I want to do.
I have plans which will take place
And those that will fall through
I have ideas which will shape my life
And hopefully the lives of others.
I have read these books
I will study these subjects
Take these exams
And do this research
I will sing, I might even dance,
I will laugh, cry, shout and whisper
Run, jump, walk, jog
I will tell you in four different languages that
I love you
J't'aime
Te Quiero
நான் உன்னை காதலிக்கிறேன்
(Nāṉ uṉṉai kātalikkiṟēṉ)
And I know that I will mean it
And so will you.
I will do as many great things as I can with my life,
Be they by my standards or yours.
So why, I ask you,
Is it
That when I look at myself in a mirror,
Or in any reflective surface,
I hate myself
Only for the appearance
Of the girl I see peering back at me?

The sky outside is lilac and purple
The clouds hang like smoke outside my window
The draft which finds its way in sends slithers of air through
Drip feeding my lungs
Leaving me wanting

I bought you a gift
It was only small, something sweet
It might last long enough to sugar up some of the bitter days
I don't have paper to wrap
So I wrapped it in my favourite scarf
I don't want it back

I wrote three pages in my diary
Of all the things I haven't been able to tell you
When I think about it my lungs contract
My heart stops and starts
I don't want you to know that I'm in pain
I just want to say sorry

The sun has disappeared now
The purple has sunk into a rich velvet
The clouds cling like strands of cotton
And I am enveloped in the magnificence of the earth around me
If only I could have told you
We could have marvelled at it together.

It jumped up a notch every time I said hello
The voltage went up some
And though the pain got harder
And this game more dangerous
The pleasure,
That adrenaline,
It was the best feeling in the world
And I forgot how to back down.

They moved me away, they did.
They made me leave. They said
"It will be better for you, it will"
That's what they said
As the walls crumbled around me.

Now I live in a small white room
There's a bed and a dresser
And a window that never opens.
They said I'm safe, they did
They said I'm healthy, they did
They said I'm better, they did
They said I'm okay

But they don't listen when I tell them:
I'd swap this dull ache for that electricity any day
The underlying pain for that jolt flying through my body
I'd swap this life for that game in a flash
The same time it would take to do it all one more time
Just once more
This is a life, but I am not living.

It's coming.
What I've been told to look forward to,
My entire childhood up until this point,
That this will be the greatest time of my life,
That I will build all of my happiest memories in these next four years.
And now it's almost arriving,
And I am scared.

When you're scared,
You like to take control of everything.
You will do anything and everything you can to stay on top,
And I know you wish I reacted the same way,
But I don't.
I shy away, I procrastinate, and I try to ignore my problems,
This rising fear I have growing in my stomach,
Which is not full of butterflies, but of bees.

I will do it,
I know I will, I want to more than anything,
But it would really help,
If,
For now,
You could leave that bit to me?
I will find my own motivation, I promise.

It's not as if I've never seen you cry before
I have, so many times.
And though each time I felt sad,
This time it hurt.
You were always the strong one,
The one who didn't think, just did.
I guess I just had you up on this pedestal.
But the knowledge that you're scared,
That you're struggling,
It terrifies me to the core.
I needed to see you do it with ease,
As you've done everything else life has thrown
I needed to see you loving it:
This newfound, independent life.
Because then, I at least had a chance.
If it scares you,
What am I going to do?
How will I be able to cope?
And every day it gets a little bit closer
Every day I get a little bit more scared.
It's a part of life,  I know.
I'm going to have to do it someday, I know.
It'll be good for me, I know.
But am I ready?
I'm not so sure.

Today I felt sad at 5am
I wanted to tell you
The birds were beginning to shout
And the rising temperature of the sky
Matched that of my blood
As I felt myself cooking, stewing,
Gazing at the endless galaxies out there
Now invisible in this light trap.

Condensation dripped down the inside of the window,
From my nose pressed against the cold glass
But I made sure the sigh I exhaled didn't disturb the contents of this tiny box-
The door says 'do not disturb'
- And then I held my breath
Until the dust had once again settled,
A little thicker than before.

I tried to make myself dream
I thought up an expansive meadow,
Sat just at the top of a cliff
The grass greener than anything else
The sun dancing gently atop the wildflowers
And I imagined taking your hand-
running, screaming, laughing-
I imagined happier reasons
For my uncontrollable heartbeat, my rapid breaths, the clammy sweat,
Despite the fact that I'm actually shivering, swaddled tight under two heavy blankets.

I buried my face in the cushions
And turned on a light to ward off the dark
I put on headphones to mask the silence and the pounding screams
Of the tiny birds keeping residence outside my window.
If I had my own way I'd drown them out with my own song
The pounding of my dancing heels
Keeping time with the waves in my head
To fill this empty room

I wanted to tell you
But right now, you're somewhere else
Asleep as you should be
I tried to curl tighter
To ward off each stab of a high-pitched whistle
I made mental notes of songs I could sing you
Once I've escaped these walls.

Until then, tell those warblers to go taunt somebody else.

I was not born for this life
And you will not die for me
It's rude that I would reject this
When you dream of it
This luxury
But this is not  riches
This is not a life of extravagance.
What is wrong is that your view is so skewed
By your daily fight for survival
Imposed on you by those who cater for us
Who rule not only yours
But our lives also
That you should see my life
As opulence
When in fact it should be a standard
For all.
I was not born for this life
Just as you were not born to die for me.

Blue  is a horrible and lovely colour all at once,
Deep as the sea, while light as the morning sky,

Luminous and bright,
Yet mysterious and cold.

Now I understand why you had it at the entrance to your house.

The yellow light illuminating my broken window
From which all I can see are heavy grey clouds
And the winter carcasses of suffering trees

He said "not all men" and blamed it on my tears
He knows I'm strong but he wishes I could be invincible
I hope he never finds out how much he damaged me

The love songs are playing on repeat
But they can't soothe the rising fear as my time approaches
I was just left, alone, staring from the bridge

She says I need someone to catch my fall
And she hopes I won't blame her once I've dropped
But this pit lies empty, the darkness obscures all the other broken souls

I've been trying to move the clouds with my mind
Hoping the boundless wingspan of the circling crows
Could disperse this fog they've created

I know because I am, just as you are not.
And you can ask me why I did it,
How I could have committed such an act
Of cruelty, of violence and of brutality,
And I will tell you it is in my nature.
I am a carnivore
And I will eat away at you until there is nothing left.

And you can tell whoever you want
Who is responsible for your undoing,
You can shout it on high
But know that they will never listen
You can scream until your throat is raw, enflamed
And red as the blood which stains your hands
But every time you will be met with silence
As you realise you no longer exist
I am winning this battle.

Just as I was not born for that life,
You were not born for yours,
And she was not born to live a life of sorrow and struggle
We are one,
And we will become even stronger
And I will fight for my life to enforce that,
I will fight as she could not
As all the strength was drained from her
And that light flickered in her eyes
Before fading away,
And leaving her a lifeless bag of bones.

You’re frightened now that you’re losing this war,
You see your power slip through your fingers
But it was naïve to think you could have won;
You are but a small mind and we are the rest.
And you should know that we will show you no mercy,
Just as you were taught from your father,
And his father and his father,
The old men who ruled the world.
But our time is coming,
And we will know real freedom.

a million cross roads
of the billions of lives
who will cross one another
backed up in traffic
there was a breakdown
on the lay-by.

exhaust fumes pumping
a thousand beats a second
horns harmonising
in the chaos and disarray
watches ticking and alarms beeping
as they wait for time to resume it's path.

traffic lights twinkle in the night like stars
and headlights glare white like the moon
overheating cars create steam
like the fog of a winter's night
it's been years since the traffic jam began
and they can't remember real life anymore.

new models will come and go
as generations proceed onwards
older ones are forgotten and left alone
bar the occasional 'retro' beetle
very few remain in fashion
they're the lucky ones.

i asked you not to forget me
and i hope you didn't
it's been too long now
since i left, got stuck in this queue
and i didn't want to go.
i still miss you.

I don’t believe it that the man made of cheese lives on the moon. Last night he crept into my bed, demanding sausages. “*******”, I said, but he wouldn’t leave. He sat, for the rest of the night, on the edge of my bed. A a pair of glowing binoculars in his sweaty fingers, he stared up at the moon. He does want to go there. He says it must be where he’s from. “There’s no food on the moon.”, I told him, my voice heavy with sleep. He began to cry. I told him to go back to his own bed.

2. I asked the King for permission to leave my bed. He told me “No.”, firmly, so I stayed put. My eyes grew heavy once more, under his spell, and I was back in the grasps of the shadows. They reach through my window in the night, they pull past my curtains and seep slowly into my lungs as I breathe. The King rules the world of the night. I merely beg permission to lay my head to rest. At his feet. I’m not sure this is where I belong, but I can’t sleep any other way.

3. I lost my fairy wings in a duel with a raven. Taken in by the electric silk of his feathers, I fell into an oil well. My fingers coated, I lost my grip. As my heart beat picked up, panic rising through my oesophagus, I gulped down the thick molten lies. Glinting in the sun, I thought it melted gold. Now I have lost my voice, I realise I was just a fool. I have forgotten how to breathe. The raven’s claws pierced through my skin and as my blood merged with the oil, I forgot where I ended and this pain began.

4. I rode on the back of a brown bear. I was cradled in the warm fur during the cold nights, and the strong claws never once broke my skin. I felt safe. I told the bear “I have something I need to do” and I tried to leave, just for a few days. The bear grabbed my hair and tore me back. I pleaded for my freedom, and the bear began to wail. Am I indebted to him? Do I owe him my life now that he saved it? Maybe I should return there, to those dark depths once more. At least then he’d know I wasn’t going anywhere.

5. The man made of cheese sits at the end of my bed, again. In his hands are a plate of greasy sausages, bursting with fat. I ask if he wants vegetables, and in between scoffs he sends chunks of cooked meat flying across my clean sheets. I wish he’d listen to me. I told him I didn’t want him here, and yet, here he sits. If I still had my wings, maybe I could fly far from this kingdom of ether. The spirits are up my nose, working their fumes into my brain.

6. The man made of cheese sits, drawing up blue-prints for a catapult. I lie half-awake, waiting to fall into that deep hypnosis. Waiting until I’m cushioned by the suffocating darkness of the night, the only place where I can dream of the real world. If only I could remember how it was that I arrived in this ulterior universe. Send me down another rabbit hole. Maybe I’ll find peace down there.

A daisy chain love letter for a love that never was
Wrap it in a silk envelope
Sealed with pure honey
Tie a few balloons to it
And watch as it floats away
High above the candyfloss pillows
Of this cloudy, cloudy day.
She won’t be coming back

The buildings rise high in the distance
A different vantage point from
The night of the wolf howl
He'd held me close
And told me he didn't want to put me down
As our cries rose above the city scape
Our laughter lost to the biting winter air.

Tonight I watch from a pathway
On my way home I am alone
Limping, not from what you've done
I can't figure out how I feel.
Last time this was a dream
A nightmare, I groaned and shuddered
Until the snow cooled my fevered brow.

Now I feel different
The cold doesn't bite me but the thoughts of you have sharp teeth
Thoughts of her words when she sees me grind my flesh
She can't see me like this
Even if I'm not in a way
I don't understand what this is
But I know how to give you my all.
I wonder why you don't respond?

I do not want your love
Nothing so foolish as your heart or mine
I got what I came for
Or not, that's up for question
But you leave me undignified
Even as I stand tall
Even though we both know what this is
Is this inevitable?

I promised myself
I wouldn't let this consume me
That the claws ripping me apart inside
Can be stopped
Can be calmed,
But I think I have since forgotten
How to make them disappear.

Encase me in a casket made of crystal
And throw it overboard
Sinking down in the depths of that deep deep blue

Wait as my body sinks further and further
The cracks begin to show
As the pressure gets the better of my hard shell

Keep looking for me as the bubbles rise to the top
Knowing that there's nothing you can do
I'm still hoping I'll float

The waves are flooding into this crystal box
As the walls fall away at my sides
Don't leave me here alone, struggling against the current

You're running away from them
And they've put a price on your head
Dead or alive
They're shouting
Dead or alive.

I don't know what you did
To make them want you dead
Dead or alive
They're shouting
Dead or alive.

Their knives are at the ready
And their guns loaded with lead
Dead or alive
They're shouting
Dead or alive.

The noose is swinging slowly
"Do you accept the charge?" They said
Dead or alive
They're shouting
Dead or alive.

There's ***** on the ground
A few puddles of **** a bit further on down
There's blood all up the wall
A few drops trickling towards the floor.

Coagulated, it's a sticky dark brown
It's starting to smell like iron filings, ground
Mixed with the reek of bleeding raw meat
Just like the butcher's at the end of the street

The sirens are slowly beginning to call
Everything's slowed down, as ever closer they crawl
The guard dogs, stood loyal, bark and they howl
The creeping smell of a rotting soul turns this winter air foul

The uniforms they've now arrived on the scene
Somewhere in the distance, as always, is the wail of a scream
Over a screeching megaphone they've said to stay calm
It's a bit late for that, as they get back in their cars

Nobody will come down this godforsaken road anymore
They said they'd abandon it; they did- they swore
Out of respect for the dead, the papers they said, wrote
Heart wrenching eulogies with lumps in their throats

And now the smell lingers on while the cobwebs remain
Through the shattered windows you can see the carpets still stained
The radios left blaring, and the kids dropped their toys
But there's no sign of life here, just a constant white noise.

Drag me from this darkened pit
To that eternal bliss you promised
For I can no longer bare
The long, sharp fingers of the fire,
Licking my body
And peeling the skin slowly away,
Or those frightened wails
From those empty shells
Who are still new to this land,
To this existence
And who cannot understand why they are here.
Grip me tight and raise me from perdition,
O how my eyes do sting
From the sulphuric smoke that suffocates them,
And how my nose does flare
At the smell of the ash and bone
And how my ears do swell at the sound of that voice,
Please, just let me know you remember I once was.

Please believe me dear
When I tell you
That it was never a lie.
What I did was awful
I don't need you to tell me that
But I'm naive,
We're naive
And I'm still learning how to be.

I didn't set out to hurt you
It wasn't supposed to be this way
Please don't turn your back
As I plead with you
On my knees
Tears streaming down my cheeks.

I know it doesn't mean much now,
But if I utter that awful word,
Would you believe me that I am?
I wasn't ready for this
I should have known it from the start
But that doesn't mean it wasn't real
I was, and still am, just a scared little child
And I think that can be said about you too.

Baby I don't want to leave it like this,
And I don't want you to go,
Not now, do you really have to?
Please listen to me,
Just look me in the eye and let me persuade you,
I am sorry.

don't tell me that this isn't beauty
you can't show me how to love
you can shove as many pictures
down my throat
as you want
but you will never break this wall
and you will not break me
you do not dictate how i look at life
and you no longer have the power
to tell me that whether my eyes are blue,
my teeth are straight
and there's a gap between my thighs,
whether my skin is a light tan
and unblemished,
whether my nose is like a button
and my lips are like rose petals
or
my eyes are brown,
my teeth aren't straight,
my thighs touch
my skin isn't tan but it's brown
and i have freckles and spots
my nose is bigger than that
and my lips are full and round
is the difference
between
beauty
and the beast
you cannot control
me anymore.

When I said I didn't need the idea of you,
Well, maybe I was wrong,
I'm not sure anymore
On either account
Because either way, you're gone.

They've told me we can still be friends,
I don't know how many times you've said it,
But right now I don't know if I can.
My heart still drops to the floor at the sound of your name
And my stomach spins when I realise you're no longer mine.

I wanted to make sure you didn't think I hate you,
Because it's the direct opposite of that,
But it felt like everything was normal
Until you said goodbye,
And then a second wave of hurt knocked me back
And I almost let myself get swept away.

I don't know if it's you I need,
Or the idea of you,
Because now all of a sudden,
Everything feels a lot scarier,
And all of the changes feel so big
That they could overwhelm me completely,
Swallowing me up,
Reducing me to a speck of dust.

This is all too much for me,
And though I'm not alone,
You've left a space in my life
I don't think anyone else can fill,
Which begs the question,
Is it really you I need,
Or did I just like the idea of you?

I don't want to think about us just being friends
We've never been that before
You're making all of the same jokes as you always did
But they're different,
Tainted by those words,
Or maybe I was just blinded by you,
A bit too much involved
Though it was always you
Who seemed more enthusiastic.

It's not that I wasn't,
I just didn't know how to show it,
And just as I began to learn,
You ended it.

It wasn't a long relationship,
But I meant it when I said
That looking into your eyes
Felt like home,
Felt like I could see everything
I'd ever want or need to see
And that was sufficient.

I can keep telling myself that I don't need you,
I can and will go on just fine,
You weren't the only thing in my life,
But you sure as hell made everything
Seem ten times better.

I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you in your time of need
-Scratch that: I haven't been there for you.
I'm sorry I never came through on our plans to see each other.
I'm sorry I never call you up.
I'm sorry I never ask how you are,
How you all are.

I hope you know that it doesn't mean I don't care.
I wanted to be there
- I still want to be there.
But I'm not sure how.
I don't know her,
I may never know her, now.
And I want you to know that I'm ashamed to say that.

I'm sorry I didn't make the effort.

It happened today, and I didn't say a word.
Not one word
To you,
Nor to anyone else that mattered.
You can be angry with me for that, I completely understand.
But I can't empathize, I can't.

I don't believe there's a God.
Personally, I struggle to see how one could be so cruel.
But since you do,
Since she did,
I hope He thought of her.
He would have known her better than I anyhow.

I'm so sorry.
I just don't know how to be there for you.
I wish I did.
And I hope someone's taking my place.
I'm not going to tell you to get through this,
But I really hope you can find a way.
I'm so sorry for your loss,
Really, I am.

I sit, far from still, not listening as her perfectly placed moans hang in the air, tormenting my ears with her pain.
Lavender pillows envelop me as the sweet perfume drips into my lungs, streaming through my body with every new breath
This is intoxication. I feel the air around me in my veins, my fingers, my legs, my heart. I will never accept anywhere else again, this is it. This is home.
May I escape the other moments in my life. I tried to forget and for three years I lived in blissful silence. Now these words creep back in the lonely moments, during the deepest dreams of the night and in the loudest moments of the days.
I drank more than my weight and collapsed under the weight of my own thoughts, imagining you looming over me I fell into tortured nightmares and remained pinned to the feverish, sweaty cocoon.
I smoked to fill my lungs with lighter air, I wanted to float up towards that blue moon and let her cradle me softly, cushioning the hurt in my head. Instead my lungs went cold and my brain was infused with ice. I could feel my head turning to stone and the weight on my shoulders suddenly became real, my knees buckling under the true weight of my sins.
How can I repent for something over which I had no control?

As the other kids traipsed off to bed,
You held me on your knee,
I watched the cricket, next to him,
As they made history

The crack of the bat against the ball,
The cheering of the crowd,
I didn't understand it then,
And neither do I now

But his room would always smell the same,
Of mothballs, damp and sweets,
The three of us would all sit around,
In pyjamas with bare feet

The taste of garlic lingering,
The best food in the world,
And I knew what it meant to him,
To be next to his favourite little girl.

you're scared of what there is,
what you can tangibly measure,
but were you to open your eyes,
i think you'd realise that none of it would matter.

you're afraid of what they think of you,
you're scared you've made enemies,
you're worried you're alone
and you're too nervous to let anyone in.

but if you could only look up,
and see not the clusters of stars,
not the links you see holding everything else
to its companion

but see the emptiness,
see the gaps in the fabric of everything,
see how big the dark spaces actually are
where nothing conceivable could exist

then maybe it could help you
put things into proportion
and maybe you could see
how little it matters

we are but less than a speck
of something
in a vast sea of nothing
of empty space and darkness

and maybe it's possible
that as a whole we are more,
but you are just you,
and they are just them

so sweetheart,
lift up your heavy head
to the sky and look, harder.
things aren't that bad

and it will get easier.
just as everything up there
has made a link
you will make yours, eventually.

Red flags a flying
I shoot arrows in the dark
Each one tied neatly to arteries
I bleed into the night
And sell away my soul to these devils

I bump into them on the streets
Each one sitting pretty
A God complex weighting their heads to their shoulders
For fear their brains might just lift them away
Their worlds fall heavy like concrete, far from paradise.

They told me I could take solace in their church
To avoid these blazing arrows
They whisper sweet nothings along the gentle summer breeze
While their hands work like razors against my skin
I give myself away once more

That was when I entered the vestry
And found it full of weapons
You told me you were proud of your armour
But I am not proud of mine
Each metal plate melded from the iron in my body I am broken underneath it.

These devils they live above me
Like the plates of my armour they sit heavy,
Constricting my lungs
My head held down under the water
They said it was to burn the sins from my head

I admitted I did wrong
Even where there was no fault to find
I let them keep me down there
As the oxygen drained from my head and the pain took over.
I will not let you take me back.

I'm going to go fishing
Down at the rock pools
In the blue and green
Are you fishing for pearls?
No, I'm fishing for diamonds
Amongst the ***** and the fish
I'll stay til I have one
oh sure, you wish

When I find it, I'll show you
And then how you'll laugh
And I'll keep it with me
For no one else to have
And then you'll be sorry
You ever doubted me
You can sit by and stare
At the display you'll see
Of the strength and the beauty
The jewel it does hold
How it sparkles and shines
And glisters more than your gold

I caught a diamond
It's big and it's bright
It shines in the daytime
And brightens the night
I'm sure it won't last
And I'm sure it will
And you won't laugh
Any more
Because I am happy
And I've found what I'm searching for.

She asked me
If we would ever get back together
And I'm not going to lie,
I still dream of your kisses,
Your lips against mine,
Of lying in your arms
Feeling your chest drag
Heavily up and down
My heart beat in time with yours,
But I don't think I could.

I know you're right
When you say it was getting too much,
A week every couple of months
Isn't enough for either of us,
And soon I'll be at the other end of the country,
Maybe even the world
And it would only get harder.

But those weeks,
Sporadic as they were,
Felt as though they could make everything right
That even if forever isn't real,
We could last a **** long time.

Maybe I was mistaken,
And maybe it's naive
To think I could give this another chance.

Make me a deal
Do me a favour
Go the **** away
Why you calling me "mate" for?

You need to go back home
Maybe get in your bed
Just chill for minute
You need to sort out your head

What the **** have you done?
I can't ******* stand your lying
I thought youse were alright
But she's just run away crying

Don't you lay a finger on me
Or I'll break it, I swear down
You're a real piece of work
Take off that fake crown

Step down off that podium
You're not as big as you think
Everyone knows it
And I'm on the brink

Of losing it now,
So step away dear
And don't you come back again
Or I'll ******* rip off your right ear

I hate it when you lie to me,
I know that none of it's true.
I hate it when you cry with me,
And let your heart pour out of you.
I hate it how my soul feels free
Whenever you're around,
I hate that when we're together,
My heart is finally found.

And still you go on hurting me
As I beg you, please, just stop
You lie, complain, you twist me up,
While your beautiful brain just rots.
You let it stop you thinking,
Your heart takes full control.
Your body slowly falls away
Leaving vulnerable your soul.

I hate that you still need me
To protect you in the night.
I hate that I'm your angel,
Your harbinger of the light.
And I wish that it was me,
You had to look forward to,
But every time you look my way,
Your sight passes me right through.

So please, just let me escape from this,
Let me take my flight,
I don't want to be your strength anymore,
To be the dawn before the light,
I want you to do this on your own,
To let the darkness fade away,
I want you to leave me, happy again,
To leave me to the fray.

And there I'll burn, I'll turn to dust,
My life will be forgot,
No one will ever know my name,
Of my plight, you will know not.
From here I'll leave you,
On your own,
I know you'll struggle through.
You'll find the light soon now, my love,
And I will never come back to you.

I know why you smile,
Why that twinkle's in your eye
That up-curl on you rosy lips
Is the reason that I cry

I want to see you one more time,
You don't even have to speak
I still remember walking away
As the tears spilled down my cheeks

And yes it's bad to say all this,
It's been three months, I know,
But you've crept your way back into my dreams,
And I don't think I want you to go

So come back to me once more, my love
And we'll let the time fly by
But this time, won't you promise me
Just one last kiss goodbye?

There's a beautiful sense of injustice in what has happened to you, I notice,
As I watch from afar, your eyes cold, your heart beating slowly.
Your voice is barely audible above the clamour of the room,
Your gaze set low, sinking beneath the glare of these 'spectators' to your humiliation.
They bray and holler, as you rock to and fro on your podium,
Your 'pedestal'.
Your mouth is silent as your mind cries out for help,
Lost and falling,
Further
And
Further
Into the pit.
The dark envelops you,
As you drown in the echoes of your wailing soul,
Bouncing off the walls
Of the trap
In which you find yourself
Caught.
Still, you remain silent,
Strong,
Dignified,
In the eye of the storm,
Against all odds,
As they jeer and laugh at you,
You sit still,
Your back straight and you head held high,
Yet I see through your stony exterior,
I notice the missing link in your chain mail suit,
I notice the gap in your shell.
And only I understand what it means,
As you briefly loosen your grasp
On the pendant of the locket hung around your neck
The locket which is keeper to your darkest secret,
The secret you have strived to keep safe,
And only I see the fault
In your near perfect act,
For your 'loyal' audience,
To whom you are a puppet.
Only I will know why this is significant,
As the small gasp you let free,
Flies between ignorant ears,
Until it disappears, like smoke.
I once knew you when you were happy,
Though you're more peaceful now.
And that is unfair,
And it is beautiful,
Because today will be your last.

I wish I was asleep among the stars
Back in the best home I knew
And that cloud above my head
A thick, grey ball that floated above my head
Would once again pull me into its deep embrace
Enveloping my dreams like a cotton wool,
A gentle protector from the night
And a happy reminder
That I belonged.