Headless chickens
Come to mind
Running, lost, dazed and confused
I am really sorry
For the ways I have been treating you.

Scrambled eggs
Replacing neurons
Mushy, pale, broken and beat
I'm breaking before you
I have nowhere to stand, on these two feet.

Lollipop swirls
And condensed milk
Sweet, sugar-rush, headaches and broken hearts
You ended it perfectly,
Taking aim in this game of darts.

Chocolate cakes
And cookie-dough ice cream
Cold, set, sickly and baked
I gave you an idea of me
I'm sorry for the additives.

Icing sugar
And self raising flour
Wispy, powdered, whipped and kneaded
I didn't want to just let you go
But you'd have loved if I'd begged and pleaded.

120ml milk
And 3 broken eggs
Flour: plain and sugar: caster
Write this down and lock it away
It's just a recipe for disaster.

Make me a deal
Do me a favour
Go the **** away
Why you calling me "mate" for?

You need to go back home
Maybe get in your bed
Just chill for minute
You need to sort out your head

What the **** have you done?
I can't ******* stand your lying
I thought youse were alright
But she's just run away crying

Don't you lay a finger on me
Or I'll break it, I swear down
You're a real piece of work
Take off that fake crown

Step down off that podium
You're not as big as you think
Everyone knows it
And I'm on the brink

Of losing it now,
So step away dear
And don't you come back again
Or I'll ******* rip off your right ear

My place in this world
Is certain
It is real
And it can never be reclaimed.
My death
Will not undermine
The fact that I lived;
That I was here;
And that I did what I have done
And dream of doing the things I want to do.
I have plans which will take place
And those that will fall through
I have ideas which will shape my life
And hopefully the lives of others.
I have read these books
I will study these subjects
Take these exams
And do this research
I will sing, I might even dance,
I will laugh, cry, shout and whisper
Run, jump, walk, jog
I will tell you in four different languages that
I love you
J't'aime
Te Quiero
நான் உன்னை காதலிக்கிறேன்
(Nāṉ uṉṉai kātalikkiṟēṉ)
And I know that I will mean it
And so will you.
I will do as many great things as I can with my life,
Be they by my standards or yours.
So why, I ask you,
Is it
That when I look at myself in a mirror,
Or in any reflective surface,
I hate myself
Only for the appearance
Of the girl I see peering back at me?

can you not hear the thunder
building inside of me
rippling through my bones
from my feet, up my spine, to my brain
as the lightning strikes within

would that i could
i would open my mouth
and like a gramophone
this storm that rages deep inside
would be projected.

i would, but it would deafen
and it would be felt for miles
from Lands End
to John O' Groats
and it would shake this island.

you can't hear it
and i hope you never will
but if i write it here
that i have concealed it
will you listen?

Take me away on a lily pad boat
Push it away from the shore
Let the current catch us and carry us downstream
I can't take this anymore.

We can dance with the frogs
And do the dragonfly waltz
Sing the kingfisher's song
And swim with the ducks
I want to forget all that's gone wrong.

I'll only weep in the shade,
In the company of the willows
Never again will I have to cry alone
And I'll float like a feather
In the cool summer breeze
And leave all the lives I have known.

I can sway with the reeds in a little rockpool
Let the seaweed tangle in my hair
Let the sand become my skin
And replace my eyes with shells
I'll let this water replace my air.

The mud at the bottom of this babbling brook is thick
And it's urging me further, tugging at my feet
I'm too tired for this, I can't fight it anymore...
Whoever said death could be sweet?

I wish I was asleep among the stars
Back in the best home I knew
And that cloud above my head
A thick, grey ball that floated above my head
Would once again pull me into its deep embrace
Enveloping my dreams like a cotton wool,
A gentle protector from the night
And a happy reminder
That I belonged.

I'm too naive for this.
I let myself fall once more into your arms
I let your lips graze mine
And I let you whisper those sweet nothings to me
As we lay in the dark
My stomach churning.

Don't you ever pull me into your arms again.
I let you do it that one night
Drunk, lonely and sad,
But your even drunker self the next night
Seemed to misunderstand the lack in continuity.
I never want to walk you home again.

I will never let myself into your grasp again,
As far as I can control
But calling me to your bedroom
On false pretenses
Even if "For the sake of your roommate"
Was not fair,
And I did not share in your laughter.

I will never miss your hold again
As your sober hands found their way across my body
I stopped them
And I tried to remind you of that all important word
A hint that went unnoticed.
That, dear friend, was unforgivable.

Tell me you love me one more time
And I won't be polite anymore.
All those conversations
And you still couldn't fathom
The dual nature of our situation
I DON'T WANT THIS
I hope I make myself clear.

Someone once told me 'stay in contact with your exes'.
To an impressionable, idealistic fifteen year old
And though an innocent observation,
I don't think as a middle-aged man
His experiences in romance would be comparable
To those of a naive, inexperienced, insecure young woman.
I like the sentiment,
But I don't know if it would really be wise,
Given what's already happened.

Close your eyes
Shut your mouth
Open your mind
And restart your heart.
Breathe.
Live this moment for a century
before you move onto the next one.
Treasure it.
Feel each pulse of your heart
like a beat of thunder through the sky
Feel it resonate
down the spines
of all who surround you.
Feel your presence:
Absolute.
Now let the silence envelop you once more.
We are all small
But we are all here
And before long we will all be gone,
Bar the marks and scars we left upon this world.

You're running away from them
And they've put a price on your head
Dead or alive
They're shouting
Dead or alive.

I don't know what you did
To make them want you dead
Dead or alive
They're shouting
Dead or alive.

Their knives are at the ready
And their guns loaded with lead
Dead or alive
They're shouting
Dead or alive.

The noose is swinging slowly
"Do you accept the charge?" They said
Dead or alive
They're shouting
Dead or alive.

I know because I am, just as you are not.
And you can ask me why I did it,
How I could have committed such an act
Of cruelty, of violence and of brutality,
And I will tell you it is in my nature.
I am a carnivore
And I will eat away at you until there is nothing left.

And you can tell whoever you want
Who is responsible for your undoing,
You can shout it on high
But know that they will never listen
You can scream until your throat is raw, enflamed
And red as the blood which stains your hands
But every time you will be met with silence
As you realise you no longer exist
I am winning this battle.

Just as I was not born for that life,
You were not born for yours,
And she was not born to live a life of sorrow and struggle
We are one,
And we will become even stronger
And I will fight for my life to enforce that,
I will fight as she could not
As all the strength was drained from her
And that light flickered in her eyes
Before fading away,
And leaving her a lifeless bag of bones.

You’re frightened now that you’re losing this war,
You see your power slip through your fingers
But it was naïve to think you could have won;
You are but a small mind and we are the rest.
And you should know that we will show you no mercy,
Just as you were taught from your father,
And his father and his father,
The old men who ruled the world.
But our time is coming,
And we will know real freedom.

you say you stand for democracy,
but do you really know the meaning of the word?
you tell me he was a dictator, yes there were 18 elections, but all of them were rigged, he was corrupt,
but  tell me,
is not this system worse?
where a party can only stand if it has the money to launch a campaign, where votes are bought by those with the wealth, only looking to protect their own interests?

you have chosen to directly ignore all of the evidence placed before you
that tell you you're wrong;
he could not have had an agenda when he described the democracy you hate so much as "the most perfect democracy he's ever seen",
you've ignored every piece of legislation he passed, all to give rise to greater democracy to the real people of the country
and you tell me there's political repression when there were 80% turnouts and over 30 other parties in each of those elections.

you are so blinkered by those walls around your mind
you don't want to accept that he could have done it better than you
because you know that once you acknowledge that,
once the world acknowledges that
all you built for you
and that other 1%
will be taken from you,
as it should have been long ago.

i don't know how it's going to happen,
not now, not in this lifetime,
but in lifetimes to come,
people will be taught that the meaning of the word
democracy
lies in demos, the people
and that those big conglomerates,
no matter how much money they have,
are not the demos.
that there is more to life than your capital accumulation;
their health, their education; their basic human rights
are, and always will be, more important than how many zeroes
are written in your will,
and that no matter how much they drill it into you,
you are beautiful, you are unique, you are important
so stand tall  and proud, hands on heart
because there is more to life than the money you make.

how this will be taught, i do not know,
but as a starter, maybe we could try teaching the cats themselves
that there is more they can do for the world
than sit on thrones of gold,
and there is more to life
than how many carats they have,
and i think a brilliant way to teach this
would be to **** all of their friends and family
until they realise that money isn't all that important,
and however malicious an act that would be,
i could rest safe in the knowledge that my death toll
would not be a fraction of theirs.

why the **** would you set fire to a ******* university, starting with its library,
all in the name of what they would like to call "democracy"?
this is a situation you have all seen so many times before,
with exactly the same perpetrators,
by exactly the same means
for exactly the same ends
and you have the cheek to call that man a dictator?
a man who worked solely to improve the lives of those around him who were in suffering?
a man who would work up to 18 hours a day, day-in, day-out for 18 years to actually democratize his country and tried so hard to lessen the wealth gap
a man who went on tv every day to communicate with those he represented, listening to their concerns and grievances and actually addressing them?

you complain about the lines outside the shops, and **** right you should.
you complain about the violence and the destruction of communities, and **** right you should.
but if you dare say one more time it was his fault, or it's the fault of his successor you can shut the **** up right now.
it's who it always was, acting on the motivation they've always had: accumulation of capital.
people have died at their hands for centuries, hundreds of millions of innocent civilians' lives exchanged for your wealth
and you have the cheek to call him a bad man?

he is in the league of people who put their lives on the line for what they knew was right,
who were so committed to that vision of
purity,
of equality
of beauty
but you tarnish their names by lumping them together with whiny children, privileged brats who know nothing of the world but are bored,
all because you know these figures
these freedom fighters and heroes
are right,
and are thus a threat to your piles of gold
(each pile covering another pile of bodies)

i don't know whether to hate you or not
you did the right thing,
though it broke my heart
but was it naive of me to genuinely believe
you might still want to be my friend?
i do try talking to you,
but it's hard to keep up the conversations
and this time,
i want to be the one in control
after having lost it for such a long time.

i know you're not really okay
but unfortunately my dear,
i can't change that for you
and no one but yourself can get you to
make that all important move.

i know you're doing what's best for you
and, in the long run,
probably me too,
but it still hurts when you ignore me
with such frequency
for such lengths of time,
when it's still fresh in my head
a time i could hardly go a day
without your contact.

i'm not asking to have you back,
nor is that something i would really want,
i don't think,
but if you could just help me out,
would you rather i hated you and we never spoke,
or can you find it in you to talk to me back,
like you promised you would?

When you grow up, i am going to teach you three things:

1. If someone does something for you, and you say thank you, there is nothing more that you owe, in any situation. Anyone who thinks otherwise, and believes they need a reward for being a decent human being is dangerous and you stay as far away from them as you can.
2. Always put your needs first, nothing is more important than your happiness and they should understand that. You are not doing anything wrong by saying "no", and not all physical contact is wanted, even if it seems as innocent as a hug. You keep your ground.
3. In addition to that, always stay true to your own beliefs and dreams. Don't let another person compromise them, however much you may think you care about that person. If you want to be a lawyer, you work as hard as you can, you hold your head high and if anyone tells you that your assertiveness is "being bossy" and isn't becoming to a woman, you stick ******* up and tell them to *******. You will be who you want to be.

Because, unfortunately, my darling, the world is set against you, and we are fighting to change that.

I've been dreaming about you,
Your warm beauty emanating
Like the glow of a new star,
Your smile lighting my nights
And your sweet voice lulling me deeper
Into your realm of dreams.

You remain nameless,
I don't want to ruin the illusion
And no word I can think of
Quite describes you,
No name is beautiful enough
To be yours.

I do hope I meet you one day,
Outside of the dream realm,
So I can feel the satin touch
Of your light fingers across my skin,
Share the song that is your voice
And your heart finding its way out
Of the cage in which it is enclosed.

I will know you then by name,
A name I will only have to hear once
Before I fall madly, deeply and passionately
In love with everything about you.
So please, my guardian angel,
Find a way to merge our realms
I am sick of waiting
For the release of sleep
To see your face.

sometimes
when i feel really lonely
i dream of your lips
so soft against mine
noses rubbing
and your eyelashes tickling my cheek

i dream of your moans
small gasps for air
as you bite your bottom lip
trying to control yourself

i dream of your hand
clasped to mine
of your laughs and giggles
or your tears and shouts

of your amazing body
immersed in warm soapy water
your hair straggly and wet
and your cheeks red with heat

i dream of your voice
quiet and velvet like
as you whisper my name
and the pronunciation is perfect

i dream that i know you
more than i know myself

don't tell me that this isn't beauty
you can't show me how to love
you can shove as many pictures
down my throat
as you want
but you will never break this wall
and you will not break me
you do not dictate how i look at life
and you no longer have the power
to tell me that whether my eyes are blue,
my teeth are straight
and there's a gap between my thighs,
whether my skin is a light tan
and unblemished,
whether my nose is like a button
and my lips are like rose petals
or
my eyes are brown,
my teeth aren't straight,
my thighs touch
my skin isn't tan but it's brown
and i have freckles and spots
my nose is bigger than that
and my lips are full and round
is the difference
between
beauty
and the beast
you cannot control
me anymore.

Your technology gives you away
I didn't ask it to tell me
But when I went on our last conversation
It showed me the last time you'd seen it,
About 20 minutes before I had.
You're doing exactly what I am,
I don't think you want to let go
Not yet
Even though I know we need to.
I just have one question,
That drunk message you sent me,
Does it betray you more than you'd hoped?

What's one more drop
In the ocean
Of a water so salty
It leaves tracks on the skin
And renders it
Weak and painful

And what's one more run
Of your tongue
Across your dry lips
Before you feel the skin crack
And the taste of blood
Covers your tongue

And what's one more look
Across the room
To the gap left by your absence
And you feel your heart shudder
And your stomach drop
As a jolting pain
Fills you up
Will you find a way out?

I don't know what hurts more
That what's been done has been done
Or that I know it hurt you too,
Although a small, selfish part of me does hope
That it did.

I heard that creak in your voice,
And though you didn't stumble
Over any of your words,
I heard your voice change pitch,
Your words squeezing their way
Over that lump in your throat.

I hope you didn't hear me break,
I didn't give you much of a chance to,
But it seemed a bit too loud to me,
When I felt my stomach rupture
As my heart crashed down through my rib cage
Landing with a thud at my feet
Having fallen all the way from the top of my throat
To where it had leapt at the sound of the words
"I don't know if I can do this anymore".

It hurts to know that it's still there,
That a part of you was reluctant to do it,
Though I know it couldn't have lasted much longer anyway,
We were too far apart,
And you were locking yourself in your own head.
So, I guess,
I hope you find a way out.

I wrote a poem for you,
It's actually one of many,
But this one,
I wrote it on the back of one of those quotes
The ones I kept on my wall?
I don't know if you remember
That half of them fell off,
And I haven't had the time
To put them back up,
I'm leaving soon anyway.
I wasn't paying attention
To the paper it was written on,
I was just looking for anything at that point,
But I turned it over before,
And I realised
The song it's from is not about love,
But there are snippets that could be,
And that have always meant so much to me,
And I know it's a coincidence,
But I find it tragically beautiful
That it landed on
"I will be with him wherever he goes"
Because I don't want to let you go
Not yet,
And that's not romantic,
Since it's not reciprocated.

I don't want to think about us just being friends
We've never been that before
You're making all of the same jokes as you always did
But they're different,
Tainted by those words,
Or maybe I was just blinded by you,
A bit too much involved
Though it was always you
Who seemed more enthusiastic.

It's not that I wasn't,
I just didn't know how to show it,
And just as I began to learn,
You ended it.

It wasn't a long relationship,
But I meant it when I said
That looking into your eyes
Felt like home,
Felt like I could see everything
I'd ever want or need to see
And that was sufficient.

I can keep telling myself that I don't need you,
I can and will go on just fine,
You weren't the only thing in my life,
But you sure as hell made everything
Seem ten times better.

She asked me
If we would ever get back together
And I'm not going to lie,
I still dream of your kisses,
Your lips against mine,
Of lying in your arms
Feeling your chest drag
Heavily up and down
My heart beat in time with yours,
But I don't think I could.

I know you're right
When you say it was getting too much,
A week every couple of months
Isn't enough for either of us,
And soon I'll be at the other end of the country,
Maybe even the world
And it would only get harder.

But those weeks,
Sporadic as they were,
Felt as though they could make everything right
That even if forever isn't real,
We could last a **** long time.

Maybe I was mistaken,
And maybe it's naive
To think I could give this another chance.

When I said I didn't need the idea of you,
Well, maybe I was wrong,
I'm not sure anymore
On either account
Because either way, you're gone.

They've told me we can still be friends,
I don't know how many times you've said it,
But right now I don't know if I can.
My heart still drops to the floor at the sound of your name
And my stomach spins when I realise you're no longer mine.

I wanted to make sure you didn't think I hate you,
Because it's the direct opposite of that,
But it felt like everything was normal
Until you said goodbye,
And then a second wave of hurt knocked me back
And I almost let myself get swept away.

I don't know if it's you I need,
Or the idea of you,
Because now all of a sudden,
Everything feels a lot scarier,
And all of the changes feel so big
That they could overwhelm me completely,
Swallowing me up,
Reducing me to a speck of dust.

This is all too much for me,
And though I'm not alone,
You've left a space in my life
I don't think anyone else can fill,
Which begs the question,
Is it really you I need,
Or did I just like the idea of you?

Tell them to look towards the stars
And within them they'll find their dreams.
What you won't tell them is that
Halfway across the world they dream of seeing
Another child does the same
Only to watch their dreams snatched from their fingertips
Carried away by the white clouds
As rain clouds fill their night sky
And the stars disappear
As the neon lights
Illuminate their impoverishment.
They will not dream of the same things
As our children,
But of education, of food
And of rest
Of a clean water source
To which they aren't required to walk miles
And as the cats roll into town
Their eyes spiralling and their grins wide
The children will look down from the stars,
A sight they know in their hearts
They will never see them again.
We only have the right to express ourselves
Through the way in which we decorate ourselves
Because these children don't dream anymore.

I was not born for this life
And you will not die for me
It's rude that I would reject this
When you dream of it
This luxury
But this is not  riches
This is not a life of extravagance.
What is wrong is that your view is so skewed
By your daily fight for survival
Imposed on you by those who cater for us
Who rule not only yours
But our lives also
That you should see my life
As opulence
When in fact it should be a standard
For all.
I was not born for this life
Just as you were not born to die for me.

Your eyes shine brighter than the sun
And try as I might,
I can't look away.
I will go blind
If it means I get one more glance,
One more look
At your beauty and splendor.

When I was young
Whenever a bee would come near me
You would tell me
"It's because it thinks you are a flower"
And I wouldn't be so scared anymore.

When I cried you would hold me close
And sing the lullaby
You had always sung to me
To remind me that a part of me is yours
And will always be
And I mustn't ever forget that.

At night you used to read to me
Your voice soft and gentle
As you lulled me to sleep,
My head on your lap
And I knew that as long as you were there
Anywhere would be home.

Sometimes you'd get out a world map
And place it in front of me
And we would point out all of the countries
We would travel to, together
And you would tell me all of the things we could do.

And the days when you would pick me up
From after-school club,
I'd come running across the playground to greet you,
Especially when it had been weeks since we'd last seen each other
And I would fall into your arms
And everything was 10x better.

I say it to you a lot,
Since I've grown up we've become closer friends,
But sometimes when things get you down
I don't think you always believe me when I say
You are amazing, and I am so proud
To call you my mother.

If I stay silent
Maybe if I just don't open my mouth
The screams and the cries
Won't find their way out

I am scared that if I begin to say
What's really going on in my head
The demons will force themselves
From my stomach out into my world
Where I can see them

I don't know how to explain to you
That I feel as though my insides are crumbling
And my brain is shutting down
While they take control

I want you to help me stop them
But I can't open my mouth
If they find a way out
They become real
And I don't think I'm ready for that

Listen.
To the echoes
Bouncing off the red walls
Of this dark cave
Pulsating and dripping
A deep, muddy red.
This is not mine.

And just as she
So flawed in her human skin
Was so loved by he
Superior in his very essence
So might I love you
And so might I give life
To generations
Who are not my own.

I did not ask for this
But this burden I am given
And so it is my fate
To deliver me from hell
I am not my own person
A part of me is shared with you all
I am not real.

I will wait until you listen
Until you understand
The vibrations
Within this solemn cage
Of flesh and blood
And the beat of the drum
We all feel inside.
We are one,
Currently divided.

Listen.

Please believe me dear
When I tell you
That it was never a lie.
What I did was awful
I don't need you to tell me that
But I'm naive,
We're naive
And I'm still learning how to be.

I didn't set out to hurt you
It wasn't supposed to be this way
Please don't turn your back
As I plead with you
On my knees
Tears streaming down my cheeks.

I know it doesn't mean much now,
But if I utter that awful word,
Would you believe me that I am?
I wasn't ready for this
I should have known it from the start
But that doesn't mean it wasn't real
I was, and still am, just a scared little child
And I think that can be said about you too.

Baby I don't want to leave it like this,
And I don't want you to go,
Not now, do you really have to?
Please listen to me,
Just look me in the eye and let me persuade you,
I am sorry.

It's not that I specifically needed you
To end the loneliness
There were so many days I was fine

It's that I needed more time:
I like to be on my own
And sometimes it all just gets too much
To be with someone all of the time

But take away the time I had
To balance it out
And everything goes out of whack
So that night when you hung up
It hit me
Like a brick in the face
That you weren't really there
And I would have to sleep in
My empty bed
With shadows as company.

I don't need the idea of you,
I can get along just fine
But now that I have you
I need you more than ever.

File up
In a single line
Until I can see
But one silhouette

From there you will march,
March until your feet bleed
And the soles of your shoes are worn down.
Do not stop
Until I give the order.

Hand me your possessions
And remove all accessories
You are one
You are not individuals.

I will present to you a selection
But you must choose one route
You may not divert
From the course I have given you.

Now tell me you're free
Tell me you have a choice
Tell me you have an identity
That is separate to theirs.

Welcome to conditioning.

I promised myself
I wouldn't let this consume me
That the claws ripping me apart inside
Can be stopped
Can be calmed,
But I think I have since forgotten
How to make them disappear.

You lay beside me
And I felt safe,
Everything forgotten,
Just the beating
Of two young hearts
And the heavy
Up and down
Of your chest
As you breathed,
Soft as the sea
Upon the sand.

If I threw you a line,
Would you catch it
So I could reel you back to safety
From the mucky waters
In which you are currently drowning

The salt in the water
Has chafed your once flawless skin,
Which is now
Red, peeling, sore.
Let me tend it for you,
So when I cradle you in my open arms
You won't hurt.

I know it's colder outside the lagoon,
I know it's hard to leave,
But if I lit a fire, we could
Sit around it together,
Singing sweet lullabies,
A blanket draped over your shoulders
As I rock you to sleep.

We don't have to speak,
I just need to know you're safe.

I don't know how you've done it,
But I'm hanging off your every word,
I'm waiting on edge for your reply,
And there's a small part of me
That isn't convinced
When I say it's okay that you'll call tomorrow.

I'm not usually clingy,
And I've never felt like this,
And while I'm over the moon
When you kiss my lips soft,
I have also never been this nervous.

You've done the damage now,
How I wish we lived closer,
So you could start patching it up.

you're scared of what there is,
what you can tangibly measure,
but were you to open your eyes,
i think you'd realise that none of it would matter.

you're afraid of what they think of you,
you're scared you've made enemies,
you're worried you're alone
and you're too nervous to let anyone in.

but if you could only look up,
and see not the clusters of stars,
not the links you see holding everything else
to its companion

but see the emptiness,
see the gaps in the fabric of everything,
see how big the dark spaces actually are
where nothing conceivable could exist

then maybe it could help you
put things into proportion
and maybe you could see
how little it matters

we are but less than a speck
of something
in a vast sea of nothing
of empty space and darkness

and maybe it's possible
that as a whole we are more,
but you are just you,
and they are just them

so sweetheart,
lift up your heavy head
to the sky and look, harder.
things aren't that bad

and it will get easier.
just as everything up there
has made a link
you will make yours, eventually.

I looked into your eyes
And it felt as though they were
A direct window
Into space, and the galaxies
And the constellations
Unfolded before my very eyes,
Each star the twinkling
Like the little lights
That hang from my walls.

And as I looked deeper,
All of a sudden,
I realised that if my world were to fall apart around me,
It would be alright
Because I could still come home
And look at you
And there would be endless worlds
I could fall into.

I want you to remember
That to write
Is to express yourself,
The flicks on your n's
And the loops on your f's
Show me the inner workings of your mind.
When she sent that letter,
There should have been tears on the page,
You should have been able to see
The corners had been folded and torn,
And the paper was *****, crumpled,
And covered in coffee stains.
You couldn't see any of that, though,
Because she chose to send it to you
In the form of a small series of lights,
Accumulated on a screen
To mimic a cold,
Soulless version of herself.
Maybe it's because she didn't want you to know
What was actually going on.

If your eyes
Do not look to the sun,
Then I wonder where it is
They look
To view the beauty of this world.

As I look around me,
All I see is poverty,
Cowering next to immense greed,
People begging
At the feet of those who have far more than they could ever need,
And yet still refuse to share it.
I see the people walking past,
Blind to the injustice of what is happening,
And ignorant to the extent to which they are controlled.

And even still, I see the grey shadows all around me,
Clouding my own view,
Blocking me from the world through which I travel.
And so I wonder,
How can you know beauty
If you've never even seen the sun?

Drag me from this darkened pit
To that eternal bliss you promised
For I can no longer bare
The long, sharp fingers of the fire,
Licking my body
And peeling the skin slowly away,
Or those frightened wails
From those empty shells
Who are still new to this land,
To this existence
And who cannot understand why they are here.
Grip me tight and raise me from perdition,
O how my eyes do sting
From the sulphuric smoke that suffocates them,
And how my nose does flare
At the smell of the ash and bone
And how my ears do swell at the sound of that voice,
Please, just let me know you remember I once was.

It's coming.
What I've been told to look forward to,
My entire childhood up until this point,
That this will be the greatest time of my life,
That I will build all of my happiest memories in these next four years.
And now it's almost arriving,
And I am scared.

When you're scared,
You like to take control of everything.
You will do anything and everything you can to stay on top,
And I know you wish I reacted the same way,
But I don't.
I shy away, I procrastinate, and I try to ignore my problems,
This rising fear I have growing in my stomach,
Which is not full of butterflies, but of bees.

I will do it,
I know I will, I want to more than anything,
But it would really help,
If,
For now,
You could leave that bit to me?
I will find my own motivation, I promise.

I was always too young to understand what was actually going on in your head,
Though I don't think even you knew completely.
You wouldn't tell us about it though;
We were children,
Too naive,
You didn't want us thinking about that kind of thing anyway.
The closest I got to understanding,
Was the time you cried,
The only time I had ever seen you crack.
She wasn't there to help us out,
So we sat with you,
We cuddled,
And I handed you some tissues,
But you didn't explain.
We were too young to understand that kind of thing anyway.
There's always been a part of me that thought I was your favourite.
I was always your little princess,
I could get away with anything.
But I think my stubbornness as a child scared you a little,
I hadn't mean to make you upset that time,
But she was much easier to entertain,
And easier to get along with.
I think you interpreted that as her being my favourite.
And though I've grown out of that stubbornness,
I think you still think the same thing;
You've not got enough confidence to understand this kind of thing anyway.
When I said goodbye the other day,
Though I don't think you saw it,
I was on the verge of tears.
Sometimes I worry you don't quite realise how much you mean to me,
That I don't have favourites,
And those worries make it so much harder to leave.
I don't speak about it with you often,
It would be a strange conversation for me to have,
But if you knew how much I spoke about you to everyone,
If you knew how highly I thought of you as a person,
Not just as my father,
I think it would help you come round.
But we're not around each other enough for that to happen,
And I think there's a part of you that's still too stuck in your head to understand that kind of thing anyway.

Hand me a razor and I will hack away at myself,
Until it's not me that's left,
But another faceless, vulnerable canvas
And I will leave the skins I have shed lying in my wake,
All for the sake of acceptance.

I give you my autonomy,  and in return you bombard me with images,
All of the same, dull, blank piece of moulding clay.

"Muscle is weight and weight is fat, lose it" and I try,
Holding desperately to the pieces me I have left.
And she tries harder still,  and her health drains from her blood, until you tell her she has gone too far: "this is not beautiful"
And with that, you shatter her world: you taught her that's all there is to care about.

Show me a picture I ask of you,
and you show me a porcelain statue
"Bone is heavy and hard to touch. Where have the curves gone?"
And so she looks down at her body,  shrinking in to herself,  ashamed of who she was born.

Play me a song, I ask again,
But you show me yet more bodies.
More faceless aspirations you know I can't reach.
"Conform, conform, conform" you order,  and I do.
You pull from my tight clasp the last few parts I have of myself,
Remove all with which I was brought into your world,  and you show me a doll.

You cut, stick, sew and glue until she is no longer real. You cover her imperfections with paint until she is no longer recognisable.
You dress her in clothes too tight to be comfortable, in shoes too impractical to walk,
and then you throw her into the lion's den,
As she has to fight her way out much harder than any of you were made to.
You make her fight until her soul has left, and she will never be the person her mother made.
You tell me that this is adulthood, that she is a woman,
But you have taken the human out of her, and you have kept her corpse as a trophy.

This is a man's world, but I will not back down.

I'm learning not to cry anymore,
I'm learning not to care
I'm learning not to take the tags off,
I'm learning to prepare

I'm learning not to play the game,
Everyone else can play it better
I'm learning just to cover myself up with a worn out, beat-up sweater

I'm learning what I was told to love
Is what should make me so ashamed
I'm learning that I'm not good enough
I just don't fit in your frame

I've learnt I'm not an autonomous being
You hold all control
I've learnt I can't avoid your grasp
My freedom you stole.

He screamed 'have at you!'
And he ran towards the light
As you crouched,
Trembling in the corner

We all knew that he was wrong
But only you
Could have given us voice.

Only your thoughts were those that mattered
In the uncharted territory
He called a mind.

And so he wasn't stopped
And as you watched,
Your vision blurred by your tears.

You saw his soul tear in half
And his body crumble
As he was engulfed.

Your screams came too late.

There was no one there to tell him
That it wasn't what it seemed,
We were all blocked out
Of the intricate inner-workings of the puzzle,
Only you had the key.

I don't blame you for what happened to him,
It was his choice to begin with,
But I do so wish you could have spoken up,
Told him what he needed to hear.

He thought the light was this beautiful purity
Not the raging fire we knew it was.

It wasn't the burns that killed him,
Oh no,
It was the realisation
That it wasn't all perfect,

It was knowing
That the inherent evil he had always denied
Was real.

It was knowing
That we were right.

I don't blame you.
But he was our last light.
And we turned him into darkness.