For a brief while
I did not believe in “love.”
Looking back I thought
oh what a cynical child....

But today I remembered
I never
Wanted anyone
To have the power
To make me
Feel
Like
This
Ever
Again

i am a girl
and i am afraid...

to walk down a city street.
my friend and I huddled together
not just because of wind
and she whispers to me,
"i forgot the first rule. don't make eye contact."
that's what my mother had taught me too
and we walked a little faster past the stranger
nervous that the split second of acknowledging merely that he exists
in his mind, was permission

i am a girl
and i am afraid...

to go to work.
i'm always there later than everyone else
sitting at the front door,
workers come in and out
i don't know one by name
but i remember when i interviewed
"dress professionally, because you're young and you're pretty
and you'll work with a lot of men"
i know how to redirect unwanted attention
but i didn't realize i'd be here alone...
so i buy myself a taser
and listen to my coworker say "there's cameras"
anytime i voice my concern
and i pray
that i am not the one in five

i am a girl
and i am afraid...

that i’ll never be good enough.
on our way to the airport my mom asked about work
and after a brief explanation of the weight loss competition that had started
and my 20-pound goal
she made a mom face and said
“but honey don’t you think you could aim higher than that?”
“what?’ i ask because i literally have no idea what she’s saying
“well i bet you could shoot to loose 30 to 40-pounds if you want!”
“do you really think i’m that fat…?”
“well honey i’ve just been a little concerned since high school.”
i’ve never felt more crushed
to be a size 6

i am a girl
and i am afraid…

that things wont change
and that my daughters will live on
the same
**** schedule
i have always lived on

It's not his fault.
He doesn't really understand what he's saying.
He couldn't have meant it the way it seemed.
He just doesn't know.
It's not on purpose...

These phrases
These excuses
prevented me from seeing
my abuse.

**Don't let them blind you

I am not sure what this is
Yes I'm talking about this poem
But I'm talking about this life too
And this.... Love?
I am not sure what this is

I have been in love before
But this is soooo different
We are so different
We are together
But neither wishes to define it
I am not sure what this is

You grew up in a different world than mine
My mom avoids "unnatural hair colors"
And when you run out of drugs you just
Ask your mom to use some of hers
See what I mean about different worlds?
I am not sure what this is

The second time I got drunk
Like flat out
Fall down
Cry for no reason
Only remember flashes the next morning
Drunk
You held me up and put me in bed
But right before
You held me tight
And tears spilled from your eyes
As you told me I was different
As you said you were so afraid you would ****
Everything up
I didn't think we would ever be anything serious
I am not sure what this is

My cousins think you look
Like a gangster
Not even gonna lie
You definitely do
I wear ******* diamond earrings
Real ones
I still go to church with my family
When I'm not busy
With you
I am not sure what the **** this is

I know this poem is super long
And it's more a jumble of thoughts
I am not sure
You could even call it a poem
But
I am not sure what this is
And I am not sure who to ask
I am not sure what to do
And I am not sure what to think of you
Is this...love?
I am not sure what this is

I have never needed people

I am more than fine on my own

Occasionally I find people
Like me
That I understand
And that understand me

I understand that
People are not
Permanent fixtures

But I do think they are like trees

The wind blows and they put down roots
They can go but it takes a lot
For the most part
They are
Almost permanent
I try to be a tree

But everyone else
At least all of the people
That I care enough
To give a piece of me
They are not trees

I don't know what the **** they are
But I just want them to
DECIDE
I don't give a ****
If you go
Or stay
Just PICK

BECAUSE MY LIFE IS NOT A REVOLVING DOOR

Please
If you care for me at all
Just pick
******* pick
And I assure you
I can handle your decision

But I am a tree
And I am always here
And you will always come and go
With no regards for me

I do not have a hard time
with sadness
or hurt
or anger,
well occasionally anger,
but I don’t have a problem
with laughter
or being annoyed,
with anything really….
Except Disappointment.
Disappointment is my dark cloud.
It’s everywhere
in every person
even me
every place
(California wasn’t as warm as I believed it would be)
every food
(Any good salad dressing is high in calories)
See? I meant everything.
Maybe I expect too much
but I already thought I had cut my standards
down low.
I don’t have a hard time with understanding,
or listening to others
or lifting burdens that aren’t mine
but I just cannot get on the same page
as Disappointment.
I don’t know what to do
or where to go
or what to say.
I haven’t found
a place
or a thing
that hasn’t Disappointed me.
The biggest thing,
the largest problem,
is that
so often
I find myself Disappointed
with me.
Mostly for being Disappointed
by other things.
And thus I found
the never ending cycle
of Disappointment.