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my eyes
ask you silently.

i dont want the answer
the way i want you
but i can't
help myself.

can't help but
imagine that
this is the last time
you
will grace
me.

i can't remember
a life
without you and the
heady suffocation
of your
gut-curling, heart-pounding
presence.
you've clean-slated me
the way
broken glass can
purge human vision,

your intoxicating soul wrapping me up
in its heated hollowness,

in that warmth
which keeps me up at night
and makes me
wish i could
drown
in the heavy circle
of your body.

and i can't imagine why
i fear
your vanishing
when more often than not

you,
your soul,
and your broken glass

are
the stuff of my
haunting dreams.
my life isn't the one i've had for
twenty
some odd
years.

i am
remarkably
and
uncomfortably
out of control.

and when the sound of the laughter
of the people i've never known
or loved
or grown up with,
who are not
a part of my memory's photo album
but who are now
apparently
my family

is just too much

all i can seem to do is
turn my back
and talk to the lioness in the chain link fence.
The skeleton sat in his chair,
legs crossed nicely at the knees,
head tilted back
and eyes
somehow closed.

He pressed a cold cloth to the
bare
bone
of his forehead and sighed
the sound of
emptiness.

He was quite lovely,
the white of his limbs unencumbered
by dusty flesh,

and seemed to know it,
his form reposed in the
chair like a
throne.

He acknowledged me without
Looking.
And spoke.

He didn’t tell me what it
was like
to die.

He didn’t explain
the sensation of
skin and strong muscle and
***** tissue
rotting, falling away,
consumed
by the vermin
of the
earth.

His words were brief, for his
jaw was unused
to such
human
movements. But he said to me
a few precious simplicities.
And then left me to
wither away.

“A truth: To be human is to be
Heavy.
To be dead is to be
Light.
But when goes the weight of
Beating hearts,
So leaves the substance
Which
Gives death itself
Meaning.”
I fight sleep tonight.

I imagine

What it would feel like

To curve into you.

To feel you press against me

And into me

And through me.

I think it would be like

Jumping off a bridge.

Pain is in the plan

But so is the water

And it's warm

And worth the sting.

I dream of being under darkness with you.

Eyes that flutter open

And brush your cheeks.

Kissing your skin goodnight.

Professing desire to your face.

To your eyes specifically.

Your eyes.

Something I am too selfish to describe.

I trace them every night

On the backs of my eyelids.

So I never forget the way they fall on me.

I imagine you in my dreams tonight

And sleep comes like a gun.
for two years
i have counted firsts.

first
time i
got hurt
drew blood
on accident
i
took a picture
and it was so innocent
but looking at the scars
on my arms
now
i cannot look at any cut
the same way

the first time i
cried
washed the dishes
put on a new shirt
slept
laughed
smiled
after mom left
i remember every one

i remember
sitting in the yellow room
of my sister's house
with the few things
i managed to grab
when mom kicked us out
listening
to the foreign sounds
of this new house
breathing
and making
a pretty little
asterisk
of red welts
on my forearm
with a
knife
for the
first time

tonight
was the first time
i played
ghost in the graveyard
since leaving
the first time
i ate a sugared
tomato
and i still remember
the first time
i learned
to not think
about
anything
that hurt
and now i wish
i could learn
again
 Jun 2013 Tiffany N Castro
hkr
ghost
 Jun 2013 Tiffany N Castro
hkr
i don’t have something to remember you by.

i think these past few months
would have been easier if
i’d had a sweatshirt of yours
to curl up into, even after too many washes
had drowned your scent.

but i think you loved me
too much
to let me indulge myself
in your ghost.
this could be about anybody but,
it's not. it's about you.
"if people were flowers i'd pick you"                                                             ­                                       
                         ­                  no, i wouldn't pick you
because if you were a flower            
you would be too fragile and beautiful
                              for me to pluck you from the ground
take you out of the soil that you're living in              
                                                ­because flowers, after a couple of days
                                                   wilt and slowly die
                                                             ­             while their colours fade

                            instead i would grasp the hardy weeds around you
making it a safer place for you to grow          
give water to you every day                                                        
send love to you every day                                                        

    ­                                       then if i was feeling really selfish
i would dig you up                
roots, dirt and all      
not leaving any of you behind              
and place you gently in a ***
before placing you on my window sill

letting you grow                                                             ­                                       
giving you water                                                            ­                                          
and loving you                                                              ­                                          
no, i wouldn't pick you

...
you dug your teeth in like an animal
savage and deadly
your claws helping tear open the wound
as you poured in your poison
you used to be so kind
or at least it's how you looked in my eyes
but with every passing day
a piece of your mask faded
revealing the skin of a monster
and although i was warned
and told to run
seek refuge
hide
i did not fear you
for i thought i knew you
but all you ever did was lie
and make believe you were the prey
while your predatory gaze kept a watchful eye

how quickly you sprang
how vicious your jaw
how easily i fell

and somehow it was my fault
somehow i was wading
****** and torn
in a river of apologies
unsure of the meaning
always searching

in time i learned your ways
and i froze
waist deep in the river
unable to swim to the shore
and become dry
because you cried
because you filled my ear
with sweet whispers of "i love you"
i believed you
so i stayed

but now as i lay freely
staring up at the sun
feeling its warmth
on my newly healed wounds
i realized that you never loved me
because love is not a violent word
7 months
 Jun 2013 Tiffany N Castro
sara
just hormones
i tell myself
not real pain
not a big deal
but everything hurts and i want to die
just hormones 
hiding behind eyeliner
it masks the red 
i wasn't crying
allergies
mine are bad this time of year
i wasn't sad
why do you ask?
how ridiculous
i
don't
get 
sad
i don't need help
 i just need some time alone
no people
just the static crackling of a car radio a few yards away
a talk show with the volume **** turned too loud
screams and laughter from where my friends stand
they aren't like me 
they don't want me
i don't want them
i'll hide in a corner
hide behind a mask
of eyeliner
and lip gloss
cloaked in shadows
drip drip
goes the water
it's cold over here
but hidden
nobody can see me
i'm just another person on their phone
clipped into technology 
indifferent 
not in pain
just hormones 
i remind myself
you aren't really hurting
the slightest touch will turn your eyes into waterfalls
so stay hidden 
stay safe
it's ***** over here
bird **** on a window
how is it that even possible?
moist
disgusting
guarded by 6th graders
to afraid to approach me
but i can feel their eyes on me
creepy pasta
is what they discuss
as they beat their violin strings
with their bows
unpleasant noises
there's my mom's car
pulling up
get ready
smile
energy
brush your hair back
natural
act natural
"How was your day?"
hard
"Fine"
it's just hormones.
i know
it's ****
but it felt good to write, so
the abuser tried to contact me
through his coward device online
the place where he sits to work
twisting and turning his words into easy prey
the place where i saw him work
light keystrokes of heavy rage
set out to destroy the happiness around him

he tried to contact me
as if i were an old friend
as if months of beautiful silence had not gone by
i don't know what he wants to say
because i have shut out the old version of myself
that would willfully go running back to him
i am disgusted by the girl i was
so warped
that every ounce of pain inflicted
every compromised moment of "love"
was meaningful

i can never go back
i won't
there isn't anything in the world
that could make me venture
to the chaotic territory of a
self-loathing
compulsive, lying
unstable
psychotic
manipulative man
who tore apart everything i had built for myself
and called it love

so here's my message to you:

                                          go **** yourself
                                          with your petty mind games
                       because i am strong
                                  and everything that i rebuilt is equipped
                                                 to destroy anyone like you
                        who tries to come near

i am finished, i am happy, i am me
finally
i can be me
I haven't read the message... I don't care what it is he wants
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