if i could just see you for one day
a whole day to see your face
what would i say?
would i tell you how i think about you day by day?
or how you always made me feel like i was in the right place.
would i tell you how i compare everyone to you
and its so hard to go through
would i tell you how my body and heart aches
because of all of those dumb mistakes
would i tell you that i thought you were the finest
bringing my emotions to a high with your kindness
would i tell you that i know i wouldnt be able to funtion without you in my life
i've even dreamt about being your wife
all of these things i want to tell
but here i am back in my shell
back in where im too scared
very unprepared
while my lips spread apart
i say"maybe we can have a fresh start"
-te

i dont get why people talk to me? im so anti social. i may be nice or friendly, but once i think we're good friends and i try to hang out with just me& you or just text you, i know you'd rather be doing something else then talking to me because i **** conversations. i'd rather sit by myself then have to carry on a conversation. i dont have any ambition, i've made so many mistakes. i try to make things right but nothing works. no talent, no grace. i dont get why people call me their friends or enjoy talking to me, because i wouldnt. yes, some nights i need that 1 person to just talk to, but even though i hate messaging first, i still do it. even though i know the conversation wont last long after that, i still continue to press send. the dumb stuff i've done and been through is crazy. im not surprised how i lost a ton of friends. i feel like everything needs to be about me, some histrionic **** thats what it is. i cant deal with this. now that i know, it actually bothers me even more.

some days I watch those tv shows or movies that have some cute but sappy love story in it. I always think to myself, I wish that could happen to me. for my relationships to be perfect. I realized relationships arent perfect at all! everyeone argues, and disagrees. everyone has some issue, but usually couples are able to fix that. there is always the "i guess it was meant to be" or " theres other fish in the sea" I feel like I have said those lines way too much for a 14 year old. I think back at all my relationships and even though I say I regret some, i shouldnt because at the time that person made me feel happy, special, and just made me feel good. I think back at my relationships and they were horrible. They were horrible because of me. I was the problem. The horrible problem. Im not pretty enough. Not skinny enough. Dont talk that much. Well sorry I have acne, like to eat and very shy. Im trying to work on those things and I guess no one is able to see that. I think about my past relationships and go through them one by one. part by part. to see why it ended, why that person couldnt be my soul mate. some were that we hardly talked, it was awkward, he liked other(better) girls, I just wasnt good enough. Most of them was my fault. I've been through the dumbest relationship problems, and now its effecting me. now it is really getting to me, and I truly wish I could go back in the past to fix everything. To fix my broken heart. To not put it out there so much so it could get hurt. I think about my relationships in the past and then I look back at that one. The only one who I liked through everything. who never left my side either we were together or best friends. the one who had issues himself but still put me first. who made me feel like a better person, and the most beautiful. the one i trusted the most and couldnt live without. where is he now? he is off, doing his own thing, moved on. why do i still think about him? because I love him. i love him so much, no matter what. He knows. Nothing has happened for about a year now, and Im guessing nothing else will. He'll be over at his school, dealing with his own problems, with his best friend. Me at my own school, trying to deal with everything happening around me.Now because all of these dumb relationships, I just try to find someone who doesnt care about all of that and just likes me now. doesnt like me for love and relationship, but likes me for what i do. I can flirt, talk and kiss him all he wants. both of us missing two different people and since we're not able to see them we just use each other for what we want. I hate to say it. to say that im friends with benefits with someone, but its just come to that. i hate to acknoledge it. to acknowledge that my first love has moved on, and im just here, slowly getting away.

why does it hurt so much?
I guess its the feeling of
being alone again.
not being able to see a happy face
a face of someone I adore
I adore so much that I do so much to impress
all for what?
a hug
a kiss
a few laughs
or the fact that , his
face
hugs
kisses
laughs
are the only thing that makes me feel
wanted
special
beautiful
most of all..
safe
-te

theres love in my eyes that no one is able to see, i dont think anyone is able to see the despaire i have inside of me i try and try to  let it out but nothing works except crying just balling my eyes out it feels better like im refreshing my screen, or talking to  people who are actually there to help, with helpful words that help with the tears just makes me feel better in the end i dont know how to explain the feeling to certain people because a lot of them dont understand it maybe i just feel the need for attention so im forcing myself to feel like this..i have no idea. those thoughts i have of "i wish i was sick or hurt so people would notice me or see me or at least pretend to be my friends" i hate the fact that some days i can be off in my own world in this mood that just sweeps over me and starts tearing me apart piece by piece and then i just sit there in silence eating my lunch with friends all around laughing and smiling and having a good time or even a bad day but they seem to make themselves happy again with a fake smile that almost everyone brings along with them. but instead i forgot mine and i just sit there thinking of all the things, maybe thinking of that stupidness that i want myself hurt so people would notice me more, or  just maybe people will notice how i look today and they'll ask or wonder and i'll be able to tell them all about it and they can help or relate or just say a few words to put a smile on my face. but then the fear comes back..the fear of what if they dont care? what if they get annoyed..that big fear too its like how do i get the attention i want when its hard to . i think now i should nust continue getting all the help and advice and support i need from friends because thats the only thing going to help me keep going.

friends
with
benefits*
three words
means two lips
always
together
means hands everywhere
touching
skin
means a lot
no
emotion
means
n o t
r e a l
-te