Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 Feb 2014 brea
 Feb 2014 brea
i almost cried earlier because
for some **** reason,
church reminds me of
all the bad things that have
ever happened to me.

is that normal?

i thought church was
supposed to lift you up
because God loves you,

i know he does...
but why do i constantly
need a reminder that i am
not worthy of such love?
just some thoughts about earlier today at school in church....hmm....
 Feb 2014 brea
Weight Watchers
 Feb 2014 brea
I don't think I've ever heard my father
Tell my mother that she was beautiful.
I'm sure of it.
There wasn't any positive comments on her appearance.
"Fix yourself up a bit!"
"When are you going to lose some weight?"
"I don't like your hair that way."
When I was sixteen I wrote her a note for mother's day
Telling her that she was genuinely beautiful.
And she cried.

I can't think of any positive comments on my appearance
That either of them spoke to me,
That didn't revolve around losing weight.
And then was only when I was throwing up on a daily basis.
Pocketing lunch money,
And measuring out one cup of cheerios every day
That I eventually stopped eating,
And starting storing in gallon bags hidden under my bed.
"Are you losing weight, good for you?"
It wasn't even that I looked good.
Or that I looked beautiful.
Or even that I looked healthy.
Just good that there was becoming less of me.
And to keep at it.
And I'm sorry sometime I try to fight you when you say you like my stomach.
I was always told it was unsightly and needed to be smaller.

My little sister listens when they call her fat, that her *** is big, that she needs to lose weight.
Not other kids.
My parents.
She asked me why she didn't have a boyfriend.
She's 15.
She thinks she is fat and doesn't like the way she looks.
I try to corner her every once in a while
And tell her not to listen to our parents.
Tell her that she is beautiful.
That her hair is soft, and her eye brows are flawless, and her tummy is gorgeous.

There has to be someone there to do that for her.
Someone to counter the words of authority.
And tell her that she is gorgeous.
So she never has to meet Ana or Mia.
Because she was average to below average weight
When she was in preschool,
and I in elementary school,
And were put on weight watchers by our mother in the summers.
Maybe because she was never told that she was beautiful.
And it poisoned her.
You're not supposed to hate your body so much that you want it completely changed.

You're supposed to love it so much, that you'll work to make it radiate the love and goodness that you put into it.
 Jul 2013 brea
I said,
I've got plenty of feelings today
And I don't have any drugs
strong enough to make them all fade away

She said,
Because I've got plenty of blank canvases
And plenty of paint
I've got plenty of time
And plenty of love

Well thank Someone that I have less pain
than I have friends
 Jul 2013 brea
I'll keep smoking because it tastes like your lips
because the way the smoke rolls out of my mouth
just like the way you rolled the words "goodbye"
of your tongue.
Because the smoke twirls through my fingers
they way you did.
Because it leaves my hair smelling like the wind
and smoke
and rain.
And you said you always loved the smell
when we came inside
from a smoke break.
And i would lay my head on your shoulder
and you would twirl the golden strands.
Now i need a smoke break
because my heart aches
with the absence of your hands
with the absence of your smell
with the absence of your comfort.
With the absence of you.
So no i do not smoke to forget,
i smoke to remember.
And the memories are not the only thing that's killing me.
Because my lungs are turning as black as my heart.
Next page