sometimes i wonder if you ever loved me, because if you did you wouldnt have left me so easily

i sailed across the seven seas looking for you.
i captured sirens and monsters, hoping to find a part of your heart.
i watched the waves turn my stomach into swirling pits of nothingness, painting the seas green and blue.
i thought you said you loved the ocean..?
i thought you loved me, yet you keep me as a castaway

you were a dream my mind had created out of little fragments of memories.
a dream made out of light from every gleaming star in the sky.
god, what a dream you were.
it felt as if i could reach into my mind and swim in the oceans in your eyes.
i could have count every freckle that sprinkled across your nose,
i could have gently pressed my lips against yours,
you couldve called me by your name, and i couldve called you by mine.
and i realize now you were nothing but a dream then.
but now youre my only reality

youre drifiting
through a timeline in space, dotting the lines with your love for me, for him, for them, for her.
youre drifiting
leaving remnants of your lovers fingerprints within you
youre drifting,
just promise me you wont leave me stranded in the stars

youre intoxicating so i go to school drunk and come home hungover craving your lips even more than before.
so hand me the bottle and lets gunshot another round,
because its misery to me when youre not around

you can smoke me away in empty boxes of marlboros,
or drown out my words in jameson.
but no matter how much **** you shove down your throat to forget me,
my shadow will always be imprinted in the back of your mind.
and my name will never leave your drunken tongue.

my head is pounding sorrowful rythems in the back of my head.
my heart is knocking against my ribs.
my blood is clotting in my veins.
i can feel myself dying.
but ill keep it inside

i love you he said,
handing me a dying rose.
and as he turned around to leave, the petals started floating away.
one
by
one.
and as each fell, he said
he loved you
he loved you not.
and by the end, all i had was the stem of the once beautiful rose,
and the petals.
showing how broken our love really was.

you’re not hard to love.
you make love feel like fresh pressed coffee atop the window sill.
like the first warm breeze of spring.
you are everything warm in the world encapsulated into one living being.
you are love, in every sense of the word.

you are worth the work.

i find myself wanting to hold your embers in my hands,
but if i do ill get burned.

i miss you just like a little kid,
a little kid with no sense of direction
no sense of new found love
no sense of the world around them.
i miss you like a sailor misses the ocean
lost without the sea
i miss you.
i miss you mom,
please love me
i need you

the coldest of nights turn into brute warm moments, between the beloved.
the intimacy of a single glance, a singe touch, a single word.
the entanglement of bodies matching the entanglement of hearts.
oh isnt it amazing to be entangled with the one you love, and yearn for.

i have been eroded.    
slowly chipped away by the flood of others love.
years of words and tears stored in the layers of my skin.  
my erosion has exposed a side of me,
of sedimentary rock composited of dry heaving and silent cries.
my erosion isnt pretty, but people will admire it and study it
thinking it will reveal beauty.  
when in reality, it never will.

i wish there was a key, for life of course.
that could take all your pain away,
erase you from humanity.
i wish there was a key for me to press,
to make you forget me.
i need a key,
an escape.

even if i were to hand you the worlds finest wine, using all of my delicacy to place it in your gentle hands.
your eyes would wear holes through them, causing the nerves to split and shake.
spilling the blood like wine all over your white pressed shirt.
yet even then, youd still love me.
and thats all that matters.

im begging you
to pull me out of the fire
can you see me through the ashes and the smoke
come quickly
im burning up inside.

my fire was blown out by the words you carefully whispered in my ear each morning.
the day my fire went out became the day your chains bound me to your love, and held me in place slowly feeding me pain and heartbreak

im not gonna leave you.
im not gonna set us up for failure.
im trying to make everything okay.
dont let your thoughts take it over.
i got it.
ill fix it.
im sorry.
im trying.
im gonna fix this.

crimson rivers escape me as my lung exhale the pain.
alluring ravines cross my skin as your lips try to heal my hurt.
im trying to fight the good fight but it keeps on getting worse.
i hope my bruised and bloodied arms will never make you leave me.
im trying my best to heal the pain, but only your words can fix me.

i need you to tell me that this wasnt for nothing.
that the sunflowers growing in my front yard grew from the sheer amount of love i poured into them,
rather than the fertilizer i packed into the dirt.
i need you to hold my face in your aching palms and tell me ive changed.
that my eyes shine like honey, and my skin glows in the moonlight.
that the promises i made many years ago have grown flowers in your heart and spread its seeds to the people around me.
i need you to tell me im good.
please tell me im good.

i forgive you for what you did,
but i hope you dont forgive yourself.
i hope it follows you around like a shadow,
i hope it makes your stomach sink when you think of me,
i hope it echos in your ears,
i hope your next lover leaves when you tell them of your actions.
but you forgave yourself long before i ever even thought of forgiving you and they do not plague you the way they have plagued me, so maybe,
i dont forgive you.

i speak.
the clouds that once fill my lungs seeping out with every breath, as you refill them with daisies.
the pain i once felt in the bottom of my stomach, washed away with words that roll of your tongue.
its a never ending cycle of healing,
through softy spoken words soaked in sweat,
through the ever so gentle touch of your lips,
through the way your love fills me to the very brim.
although i am broken, i can slowly feel my pieces come together when im with you.

sometimes i wonder if the late night car ride meant nothing to you,
if my name still rings in your ears,
if my guitar strings still snap your fingers,
i wonder if the late night tears mean anything to you.
i wonder if what i once was means anything to you.

with love,
the ghosted bestfriend

some days i let it curl into my side while i pet its head softly
other days i scream at it until my mouth tastes of blood
most days i watch it lurk around my room, picking up certain things and dropping them back down again
grief isn’t a friend, but it’s no stranger either.
it’s made it’s home in the pit of my stomach

the world may turn again
the breeze may whisper sweet nothings into my ears again
the flowers my bloom again
but the world will forever be dark without you holding my hand
i will never see
not without you guiding me

but life is full of goodbyes, and i guess this is mine

so long partner
till the next sunrise

i can feel the blood in my veins rotting.
i reek of the everlasting stench of self loath.
so maybe i can drink out the smell of my delicate lungs rotting away.
before i become chained to this prison of a body

i will drown myself in grief
heavy rocks weighting me down to the ocean floor
i will drown
in the knowledge that i am no longer what you want

despite all this rage,
i am still the little girl crying over her scraped knee

i hear you voice in strums of my guitar.
i can feel you arms wrap around my stomach and your head press into my shoulder blades.
i can sometimes feel your hands overlapping mine, trying to take control while you giggle.
sometimes i hear you whisper forgotten words into my ears.
i love to play but it brings you back.


just come home, ill play for you..

i can tie a beautiful silk ribbon around your heart
mend our souls together with a diamond ring
kiss your lips with all the passion of roman warriors
bless you in the waters of athens
yet that still wont prove the undying love i have for you.

I find myself laying awake in the middle of the night wishing I was her.
not for how she looks
or her smile
or her laugh,
but for the way you look at her.

youll pull me along, through the dust, the heat, the cold, through the world
and no matter the pain, the blood spilling down my arms
the rope burns across my fingers
ill hold on.
ill always hold on

stopping to stare into the whispers of a breeze,
to stare into the eyes held within the stars,
to see the faces in the trees.

home,
is within the eye of the beholder.
and for me, everything reminds me of you.
so i guess you have become my home
and my second nature

I long for home.
not the place I grew up, nor the house I live in.
I don't long for an apartment, or a city.
I want to go home,
to your arms.
to your eyes.
to your voice.
let me come home.

i’ve wished upon stars.
blew out dandelions.
picked four leaf clovers.

none of these methods have seemed to work

so i’ll pray.
i’ll plead.
i’ll cry and i’ll yell.
to a god that i haven’t believed in since i was 9 years old.

all for you to come home.

sometimes we fall onto our knees and bleed to the ones around us.
sometimes we expand our lungs with poison, for the ones we love.
sometimes we knock our own teeth out, and force a different smile.
sometimes we're human.
and thats okay.

I am from empty wine glasses
From jack and coke
I am from the forgotten house on the cove
(broken down, empty, but only on the inside rather than out)
I am from great oak trees
Growing towards the sun, shading me from the harshest words
Im from Christmas dinners and alcohol scented sheets
From mom and dad
Im from the broken promises and the smashed plates
From “get out of my face” and “you need to be fixed”
Im from forced catholism and torn easter prayers
Im from the sweltering heat of the south, and the glistening waters of Italy
From pasta and fried chicken
From the harsh voice of my mother
The lack of care from my dad
From the ripped photos off the wall
From the loving arms, I always wished to receive.

and once again i fell into a pile on the floor
crumbled into the lack of person i am
i have lost everything
i am nothing,
but a pile of ***** clothes on my bathroom floor.

i don’t know what it is about her..
that strikes so much jealousy within me.
maybe it’s the past, and the deeply regarded feelings you had.
maybe it’s the way she speaks to you like you’re waiting for her.
maybe it’s the way you light up when you talk about her.
maybe it’s the way you go to her for everything, and barely come to me.
theres just something about her that makes me doubt.
and i wish it wasn’t like that, i just dunno what it is about her

i got my blood drawn today
and all i wanted to do was call you.
i hate needles and you’d always talk me through it.

i did it by myself today,
i wonder if you’d be proud of me