i miss your hands.
i miss the way your fingertips trace their love into my hips.
i miss the way your hands wander all over me.
i miss the way your fingers feel on my tongue.
i miss your hands.
i miss how you hold me close.
i miss the way your fingers run through my hair.
i miss your hands in more way than one, but i long for every way just the same

id put a gun in my mouth if it meant i could **** the things living in my head.
without me actually being dead.

the thing about having
an alcoholic parent
is an alcoholic parent
does not exist

simply
an alcoholic
who could not stay sober
long enough to rise their own kids

i colored inside the lines my whole life.
than came you, and now my colors are reckless about their lines

im tired.
im tired of watching cuts slowly heal over and bruise.
im tried of begging for help.. silently.
im so tired.
i cant even hold my head up anymore.
but you know, im flexible.
you can pull me and i wont break.
not yet anyway

when i look into your eyes i can tell im dulling down.
my edges are rounding,
my color is dimming,
im not as shiny.
im trying to be perfect,
but maybe im not perfect enough.

even with all these voices in my head,
im still lonely without you.

why am i so sorry for myself?
why am i filled with pity?
i guess i finally realized the trauma has eaten its way at me.
but now all i am is filled with sorry feelings and pain.
why cant i think, why is this empathy weighting at me.
i cant continue to be sorry for myself.
but all i am is pity.

what do i do if im the only person on my deathnote?

when i feel the earth caving in i write.
i write about the earthy smell,
the way the roots twist and tangle,
i write about the way the rain falls horizontally.
i write about the way mother nature weeps,
the way her beautifully broken tears fall in puddles all around.
i write about the sky, and the clouds. the stars even.
i write about nature cause its all i know.
and i know nature will never change its earthy glow.

i feel like im drowning.
in unsaid words, unwritten poetry, unvoiced thoughts.
i can feel myself sinking into the bottom of this pit.
with my hands in shackles and my ankles tied.
im sinking.
everything echos down here.
im almost gone.
every thing is so cold.
imgone.
dont
       forget
me

her heart was like blown glass, sensitive and nimble.
she was hard to let pass.
she sat in your dreams swinging her feet, you always thought she was so sweet.
the heart of this girl so beautiful and true, would sing soft melodies to me and you.
it bumped and it thumped to the rhythm within, matching with yours. you were at a win.
the girl made of blown glass was vigilant of her heart, but only with you.
she was afraid of the new and you were too, so you protected her greatly.
her glass heart too.
but the harder you held the more she began to crack.

crack
crack
crash.

you sat with your love in bleeding hands, wondering why the girl of glass loved you.
but you loved her too, with every piece of newly hardened glass that she left with you.

i can stare at you for hours and still wonder the same things.
how such gentle hands have held up the worlds fires.
how such loving eyes have seen the worse aray of things.
how such sensitive ears have heard the worst words around.
i wonder and wonder about you.
yet you still leave me breathless

since when was the world full of bright brilliant colors?
since when did sunsets cast shades of pink and purple in the sky?
since when did coffee dates involve strands of yellow sunlight shining through frosted windows?
since when did skatepark dates involve soft green grass and ruby red roses?
since when has this world not been monochromatic shades of grey?
because thats all i can see.
help me understand these colors of yours, i would like to experience the beauty.

and all of a sudden i could hear your laugh again.
i could hear your voice, i could see your face.
i shouldnt have texted you.
but i couldnt help it

i want someone to wrap me in the warmth of their arms.
i want someone to hold my heart in the palms of their hands and slowly heal me.
i want someone to take a look into my mind and try to understand my pain.

but the only reason i dont have that is because of me.
its my fault no one wants me

i uttered those three words.
gently, softly spoken.
it was 3 am and the only sound that drifted through the room was the rasp in my i's.
i remember you looking at me and smiling,
only to softly whisper them back to me.
thank you..
thank you for loving me.

shatter my heart again why dont you.
keep my pieces sew together in webs of lies.
break me again why dont you.
rapidly force freshly made recipes of 'love' down my throat.
destroy my everything why dont you.
keep my dreams in a little glass bottle labelled 'hopeless'.

ruin me again and again.
you're my sadistic daydream.

im a ******* for the pain you cause me.

men in love with men,
women in love with women,
and enbys in love with enbys.
theres nothing more beautiful than innocent love.

i can feel my body going limp,
my sight going foggy,
im getting colder.
my head is throbbing and my hands are shaking.
its so loud, im so tired.
its only 8:53