i dreamed of you the other night.
i dreamt of the way your hands would feel running through my hair, while our legs were intertwined.
i dreamt of the way your lips would feel pressed against mine, holding my face in your strong steady hands.
i dreamt of you the other night.
the way your chest rose and fell, with deep inhales and soft releases.
the way you would spin me around in circles.
i hate dreaming of you,
because i dont have you.

youre the sun to my moon.
you make me shine bright and gravitate around the ones i love.
you give me equilibrium.
youre the sun, and im merely just the moon.

im tired of waking up with tears streaming down my face.
im tired of the dull eyes,
im tired of the red rivers running through them.
im tried of crying.
i wish i could do something else, i wish the pain was easy to handle.
im so tired.
i wish i could go to sleep, maybe even never wake up.

i stare sometimes.
i take in the undefined beauty of the crowd around me.
i watch the way people gesture, the way their hands move nimbly.
i watch the people run, with every time their foot hits the ground their arms go up.
i watch people put in headphones and the way their body reacts, gently yet so strongly.  
i stare sometimes.
i find the way peoples rings fit on their hands electrifying.
i find the way peoples hands intertwine, so softly yet so intimate.
sometimes i stare,
and its not because im rude.
im just taking in the beauty of the world, and enjoying every second of it.

i feel sick.
i feel tired, and empty.
i feel my eyes moving in their sockets.
i feel the blood coursing through my veins.
i feel my lungs slowly filling.
i feel me.
i feel every piece of me.
im sick.
and im tired.
i dont want to feel.
why do i feel anyway?

you cant water dead flowers,
itll only drown them.

we're all just broken people telling others how to heal their brokenness, while ignoring our very own advice.

i swear to god if you look into someones eyes and realize the home you saw in mine had been moved..

im not sure what ill do.
cause my eyes are only honey pots to you..
to the rest of the world theyre brown.
and dull.
but not to you.
god not to you..

its been awhile since you've heard from me
                              
                                                  ive missed you.

its like we're stranger now, just walking around with each others secrets.
                                                i wish we werent.

maybe ill see you around sometime. we can get coffee if you want.

                                               i wont. but i can hope so

i miss you. come back to me.

                                              i love you.

*the number you have dialed is no longer in service.

i went months with the constant dispense of my addiction for you.
and now i get to suffer the blood rotting withdrawals.  
and i know we both agreed on this, but
when i look at you i see constellations.
i see ocean waves gone rouge.
i see mighty trees and blanket thick forests.
i know we both agreed on this, but
when i hear you i get butterflies in my stomach.
i hear swigs of whiskey.
i hear a sweet southern drawl like nothing ive heard before.
i hear the hums of an electric bass amp.
i know we both agreed on this, but
i need you.
like the earth needs the moon,
like space needs the stars,
like guitars need their strings.
i need you the way you need pokemon cards.
god i just,,
dont give up on me..

lay me down in the middle of a field, covered in primroses and lavender poppies.
let the sun wash me over and the clouds cover me gently.
allow the bugs and birds to sing me their simple songs.
cover me in the simplicity of nature till the sun falls.
i want to be one with the earth and live ever more.

why must the world be a battle field?

why are the loving hands of black men and women considered weapons?

why are members of the lgbt community considered evil?

why are non religious people seen as a spawn of the devil?

why must we live in a world where life is a battlefield?

why must we fight to believe in our own dreams?

why must we fight for the rights gifted to us as humans beings?

everyday we put up a fight,

and frankly i’m tired of this battlefield.

my demons are screaming i think they might win
my heads under water and i cannot swim.
theres weights at my wrist, a buzz in my ears, my eyes are going hazy my limbs are going limp.

my actions are now dire for the sake of myself
"mom i need help"
i force out my mouth like a bullet from hell.
"honey youre okay. youre gonna be fine"
those words hit my heart like a bunch of knives"
"okay, thanks mom. i love you"
i say, whisking away the blank expression on my face.

but heres one thing i just couldnt say.

my demons are screaming i think they might win
my breathes are short like october wind.
they have become people, violent and strong.
putting weights on my shoulders so i must play along.

ive kicked them off once, but they keep coming back.
they have become real things and theres no turning back.
they hold my sparks in the palm of their hands,
i sometimes wonder if ill ever see it again.

my demons are screaming i think that they've won.
my spark has gone out,
and im totally numb.

J'ai envie d'être aussi belle que les autres autour de moi.

i wish i coped with my anxiety in other ways.