i know i lied

but
so
did
you

(now i know)

and you tried
to make me
the villain

so
****
you

my stomach
can barely tolerate
going through the motions

our gazes
meet
and
my smile,
sleek shy grin
is the beaming
of my heart
that cannot be contained

doing what i can
to hear you
feel you
pull you in

just
give in

i give to you
what's left of me
and what you give back
is a newer,
golden
me

the aurora glows
     shifts into shapes
     only my heart understands

things the heart knows
but words cannot tell

when stars fill the sky
when the waves crash
when you look into my eyes

no one
but me
knows how
to set this goddess free

all of the possibilities
tied to that hope
floated away
with it

my legs are kicking wildly
pushing me away
trying to get out from under
your oppression
your wringing of my soul

i know i went willingly
in the beginning
but now i have to stop it
before it's too late

so i guess
what i'm saying
is

i don't
believe you

you soften me
with calm
you smooth my roughness
with ease

heal me,
love

you have
failed
to molt

and
it
will
destroy
you

you're not here
we aren't anything
this isn't real
i'm not your problem

i know
you
were here

i can't prove it
but
i felt you
near

he said,
what if we have
feelings
that
cannot be described in words?

people are starting to notice
our hidden love

you did your part
and then let me go

only problem is
i'm still holding on

i see you cherish
i feel you loving

these things give me hope

for my tiny rebel heart

i don't know
what to hope for anymore
except
an answer

hope lost now
is strength
for the future

hope
disappointment
and hope again
always hope again

how could we
walk away
from
a kiss
like that?

how do i explain
to you
what's happening
to me?

i am a work of art
imperfect
in motion

my canvas changes with time
people leave marks
experiences in many hues

everyone sees me
only you understand

working through
grief
of us

starting to see
a blue sky
where my freedom
purifies me

where the air
i breathe
is nourishing

where i
am
me

my ultimate betrayal
to the one i love
is pushing him away

where is the line
between optimism
and denial?

my gentle heart
feels a fool

should i feel special
because of your attention?

should i feel special
because you said you care?

should i feel special
because of your words?

because they are

words

and
nothing more

i don't know
what i want

but
i know
how i want to feel

the way you look at me
keeps changing

your eyes tell
     how deep
     how much
     how precious

we embrace now
like cradling this gem-of-a-thing
like savoring a rare,
                           fleeting,
                           wonderful,
                           incredible
                           experience

we know

i know why
you came back
you transparent
beautiful
stupid
boy

i know you
too well now
to pretend
that you're a stranger
my eyes tell
the whole truth

i think
you don't want me
but
you're too **** to admit

that this was just
something
you saw as a game
because
i'm
not
real
to
you

the reality
we allow

the reality
we need

i'm stuck
in between

my questions
emerge
burn away
the fog

the mystery
of our future

beauty in uncertainty
but
peace
in understanding

while it's true
you inspired
my open eyes

from here
my pursuit of freedom
has to be
just for me

your love is beautiful
(in theory)

our union
is magical
(in theory)

this love
will
last forever
(in theory)

i know
i'm doing this for me
but
after all of this
if i don't have you
i
  will
    fall
      apart

is there
a moment
when
you're not
on my
mind?

it doesn't work anymore

words with no meaning
hollow smiles

actions of empty hearts

i tolerate
i cope

but
i have no more love

i thought
it was
you

i don't even have to see you
to know that everything has changed

i don't want to see
the look in your eyes

that tells me
it's over

without your voice
i hear you

without your presence
i feel you

in dreams
i see you

and
one day
i will
have
you

why
does it have
to be
a wish?

my heart is
a full moon

can you feel me
shining
on you?

i'm not sure
what
you were expecting
but
you got
me

just so you know
i would have given it all up
to be with you

and just so you know
i would still
go
if you asked me


but
i understand

to know
your love
is the greatest privilege
of my heart

understanding
emotions
through
touch

so, wait a minute.

are you leading me?
or am i leading you?