"i want to wake up in the morning
and not wish that i was dead!"
i screamed into the mountains
hoping for a reply
take me back to 17
and let me live like i did before
let me live in my head rent free
and throw my emotions to the pile
on the floor
let me listen to sad music
and not relate
always waiting for the day
i will no longer have to wait

shaky hands, shaky heart
nothing feels connected
not even emotions that take part

dizzy and confused
am i even in this body?
or is my soul watching, abused?

uncontrolably kneeled
words fight to escape
but my mouth is sealed

am i going insane?
or coming to?
dear God, please let me escape this brain

why do i go to writings to release my inner war?
poems, paragraphs, lines
isn't there a better way to get off the floor?
to escape from this mind that only confines?

do they even matter?
these writings of release?
sometimes they just make me shatter
fall apart piece by piece

should they be shared?
or hidden beneath my hollow heart
wouldn't they show if they cared?
i guess i would have to be the one to start

empty bottles filled with something
it makes no sense
where is the sense they bring?
why am i still on the fence?

coping is bane
not who i truly am
will i always be the same?
this all seems to be a scam

will this empty bottle break?
or do i need to shatter it?
for goodness sake
when will this decision split?

these feelings are making a comeback
what do i do when they come back?
dramatized in my own head
but what would they be instead?

the question is a constant as a lose *****
gripping to the fragments of my brain
could it be what He is telling me to do?
seems like i might be going insane

i really need to get a grip
or the grip needs to let go of me

hazy and oddly mystified
a filter holding me back
from what is good in this life

will i ever escape
the mental anguish of jail bars
hours they take
holding me back from who i was before

“there’s no sense
in holding onto something broken.”
but in my defense
i might be the “something broken”

would it be a tragedy
if we all died tomorrow?
we wouldn’t need anymore gravity
or even sorrow

would it be a crime
to not get back up again?
could we disregard the time?
would it be a sin?

my headspace is numb
i understand
this is frightening to some
no one can know i am unable to stand