Sometimes I think of killing myself
How the end would be so nice
How the darkness would swallow me up
And how the numbness would suffice
My need

For all the voices of the feelings
That constantly keep me reeling
To softly slow to a hush
As my brain starts tur-tur-turning into mush

How wonderful it would be
To have that powerful silence
Not even grasshoppers would bother
To wake me

My cells would stop dividing
My brain would stop the lying
Myself would stop denying
What I truly want

But but but
This is just a reckless fantasy
A way to elude one’s own reality

Because as I sit here on the floor
Tears drip drip dropping
I realize there’s those who care for me more
Cherish me more
Love me more
Than I love my own self

The crickets chirp
I put the pills down

i don't particularly need anyone to hear these thoughts,
i just need to say them.

love will be when I am embraced for every last one, and I will weep
with happiness in every space
there was sadness.

i swallow your pride
and gag

id spend nights exploring the hell
id been abandonded in

it all passes like a train
near a building amased
in sawdust,
glue, and boogers.
lethargic brakes screech
on the tracks
through cardboard windows
that shake walls of drywall
to crash
atop cracked glass.
it passed like a train
and i know it to be passed.
i'll lie down to find a home anew
on this track of my own.

i want this year to be happy
my last two were so devoid